Hmm...how to get into all of this without getting too long? I've already written an unpublished post and talked ad nauseum with several friends about it--as per, I am a girl. I think I have a pretty good feel for the situation, but this post is about how to cope (See paragraph 5 and onward.).
So in short, a few weeks ago RJ called our relationship into question. He realizes that we are now in a serious relationship and feels a lot of pressure. He doesn't want to hurt me if we were to break up and feels the longer we are together, the more difficult that possible break up would be. When I asked him where he thought this was coming from, he told me about something he said a few weeks ago. He told a friend that he thinks he could see himself marrying me because he didn't think he could break up with me.
My reaction and response over a few conversations--I don't need another relationship where a guy stays with me just because he doesn't want to break up with me. I want RJ to be with me because he wants to be with me. I also shared that I see possibilities of marriage with him, but that there are a lot of little steps in between before getting to a place to decide that. I wouldn't be dating him this long if that wasn't a possibility. And I said that right now, I enjoy dating him. He said that he likes dating me, too. I finished by saying that right now, I am focused on finishing my master's degree.
So, I've given RJ some space and he was out of town last weekend. I am unsure about if this is a finished conversation and if we are on the same page or if he needs more time to sort out his thoughts and feelings. That is where I think time will tell and I will just have to see how things unfold.
But the hard part is that RJ is out of town, again! I am having a difficult time dealing with this because he is gone for a week. Even if our relationship was not so up in the air, I know it would be difficult for me (and I am trying really hard to be positive and supportive). Can you say, separation anxiety? And I feel like a looney toon for feeling that way. Part of it is from my past messy relationship. Part of it is because he is my first meaningful relationship in dating again. Part of it is because I wish he could have left on better grounding in our relationship. And part of it is because I just plain miss him.
This is not the first time that RJ has been out of town, as he has had several weekend trips during the course of our dating. What makes this more challenging is that he is out of the country and does not have cell phone access--no texting, no voicemail. I did not know this (and I am not entirely sure if he understood the ramifications of it all). RJ does have his laptop and called me with Skype. The tough part about this is that he can only call me. Sucks for him because if I don't pick up, I totally miss him and can't return his call. Sucks for me because I can't initiate a "just letting you know I'm thinking about you" message.
So, I sent him a cheesy email. I'm not even sure if he is checking his email. And sure I want to give him his space, but a gal wants to let her man know that she is missing him and send him wishes of having fun.
Although, as I am typing this I am realizing that I have no idea where he is staying. What does that mean?! (And cue: a billion other questions that flood my mind. But we'll keep that crazy to ourselves.)
(Okay, breathe. Don't get ahead of yourself. Let go of any expectations or worries.)
I know RJ could really use a break from work and a trip to some place sunny will do him some good. And this gives our relationship some more space, which might be what it needs.
But regardless, Wednesday cannot come fast enough... :(