Friday, January 21, 2011

Crossroads and Poor Timing (Maybe)

Hmm...how to get into all of this without getting too long? I've already written an unpublished post and talked ad nauseum with several friends about it--as per, I am a girl. I think I have a pretty good feel for the situation, but this post is about how to cope (See paragraph 5 and onward.).

So in short, a few weeks ago RJ called our relationship into question. He realizes that we are now in a serious relationship and feels a lot of pressure. He doesn't want to hurt me if we were to break up and feels the longer we are together, the more difficult that possible break up would be. When I asked him where he thought this was coming from, he told me about something he said a few weeks ago. He told a friend that he thinks he could see himself marrying me because he didn't think he could break up with me.

My reaction and response over a few conversations--I don't need another relationship where a guy stays with me just because he doesn't want to break up with me. I want RJ to be with me because he wants to be with me. I also shared that I see possibilities of marriage with him, but that there are a lot of little steps in between before getting to a place to decide that. I wouldn't be dating him this long if that wasn't a possibility. And I said that right now, I enjoy dating him. He said that he likes dating me, too. I finished by saying that right now, I am focused on finishing my master's degree.

So, I've given RJ some space and he was out of town last weekend. I am unsure about if this is a finished conversation and if we are on the same page or if he needs more time to sort out his thoughts and feelings. That is where I think time will tell and I will just have to see how things unfold.

But the hard part is that RJ is out of town, again! I am having a difficult time dealing with this because he is gone for a week. Even if our relationship was not so up in the air, I know it would be difficult for me (and I am trying really hard to be positive and supportive). Can you say, separation anxiety? And I feel like a looney toon for feeling that way. Part of it is from my past messy relationship. Part of it is because he is my first meaningful relationship in dating again. Part of it is because I wish he could have left on better grounding in our relationship. And part of it is because I just plain miss him.

This is not the first time that RJ has been out of town, as he has had several weekend trips during the course of our dating. What makes this more challenging is that he is out of the country and does not have cell phone access--no texting, no voicemail. I did not know this (and I am not entirely sure if he understood the ramifications of it all). RJ does have his laptop and called me with Skype. The tough part about this is that he can only call me. Sucks for him because if I don't pick up, I totally miss him and can't return his call. Sucks for me because I can't initiate a "just letting you know I'm thinking about you" message.

So, I sent him a cheesy email. I'm not even sure if he is checking his email. And sure I want to give him his space, but a gal wants to let her man know that she is missing him and send him wishes of having fun.

Although, as I am typing this I am realizing that I have no idea where he is staying. What does that mean?! (And cue: a billion other questions that flood my mind. But we'll keep that crazy to ourselves.)

Arghhh!

(Okay, breathe. Don't get ahead of yourself. Let go of any expectations or worries.)

I know RJ could really use a break from work and a trip to some place sunny will do him some good. And this gives our relationship some more space, which might be what it needs.

But regardless, Wednesday cannot come fast enough... :(

6 comments:

  1. Ugh. You just reminded me how much I disliked dating. There is so much uncertainty. I imagine hearing RJ tell you that he didn't want to hurt you if you guys broke up wasn't the easiest thing to hear. After all, breaking up isn't something you want to be thinking about. The thing I don't understand is why he's getting so ahead of himself. What's wrong with enjoying your relationship and taking it one step at a time? It doesn't sound like you've asked for more than that. It's not like you've asked him to take you ring shopping. :) It sounds like you both enjoy each other's company. That's a wonderful thing. Hopefully he'll keep that in mind and start to relax a little more. I think you've handled the situation perfectly.

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  2. Thanks, Kerri, I appreciate your thoughts. I do hope that I am being mindful of what I say to RJ while being true to myself. I think what I am realizing over the weekend is that when I feel a bunch of intense, yucky feelings that I need to take them in and figure out from where they are coming. I need to figure out if it is an RJ related issue or if it is something that is coming from my past. I don't want to project my fears and feelings from my past onto him. He is his own person and I need to remember that. And RJ is a special guy that I am happy to have in my life.

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  3. Perhaps letting him know that you will have the courage to break up with him if it is not right will give him the freedom to stay in the moment and not get ahead of himself.

    Trust yourself. You will know. love barbie

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  4. I echo what Kerri said. You've handled this situation perfectly. And I'm sure the whole conversation about your relationship and RJ's feelings on things came out of left field and was not what you were expecting to hear. The uncertainty must be very difficult especially amidst all this separation. Hopefully the saying "separation makes the heart grow fonder" will ring true in this situation for both of you. Maybe this separation from you is what he needs to sort things out and come back more confident about your relationship. I also agree with Barbie that making sure he doesn't feel the pressure of staying with you if he knows it's not right will help him enjoy the wonderful parts of your relationship and not feel like he needs to speed ahead into an engagement. Then it will also give him and you the freedom to know where both of your hearts lie so that when/if he does decide to make that choice to propose you can both rest assured that it is coming from the heart and not a sense of obligation. Keep being your wonderful self and I'm sure everything will play out the way it was intended to. It's hard when your SO is out of the country! Stephen was gone in Germany for a week and I thought I was going to go crazy!

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  5. I third what Kerri said. :) The uncertainty of dating stinks. I think though, that missing him is a good thing- if you didn't have a hard time with it, then I'd take it as a sign that maybe what you thought was there, might be as strong as you thought. I hope Wednesday gets here fast for you and you get some clarity from him on where the two of you currently stand.

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  6. Thanks, Barbie--I've thought about what you said. And while I wouldn't want anything I say to come off as being an ultimatum (Talk about pressure! And not my style.), I see the value in letting RJ know that I can make my own decisions and stand on my own. I will have to trust in my heart that I will know what I know when I know it. And I have realized that if that means walking away and letting go, that I will do that. I don't want another relationship where I am fighting more for them than they are for me. The relationship needs balance in the responsibility of keeping it strong.

    Ellie, thank you for your perspective. You are so smart! I have been trying to take the side that this kind of space as a good thing. I really like the part about:

    "Then it will also give him and you the freedom to know where both of your hearts lie so that when/if he does decide to make that choice to propose you can both rest assured that it is coming from the heart and not a sense of obligation."

    Thank you, Katie, for your encouragement and support. Dating can have its ups and downs and uncertainty. And while it can be tough, I am happy and thankful to have this experience right now. I am learning more about myself and really trying to learn from my past mistakes. I hope it is all helping me to put my best self forward.

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