In the middle of all of my miserable feelings, I feel insecure about my relationship with RJ in that I don't want to mess things up. I am scared of not being ready for him in the way that I want to be. I hope that he is patient in waiting for me to return to Pittsburgh. I hope he is understanding of the mess that I am feeling, which is asking a lot.
Just in general, I am scared of saying too much to him and I am scared not to say enough. I don't want to lean into him too much for support as I am trying to be independent, but I don't want to shut him out or put too much of a burden on him either. I struggle to find the balance between losing myself again and allowing myself to go to him when I could use some comfort. I am tired of feeling like I always have to be strong and I want to feel okay with showing that vulnerability sometimes. I sometimes wonder if I am overcompensating and if I am holding too much of myself back. Part of being a couple is being there for each other. But how much is too much?
I want to crawl into his bed and into his arms. I just want to cry away all of these frustrations and for him to hold me. Is that okay? Is it asking too much? It's not RJ, it's me wondering--to give myself permission to do that.
I miss RJ.