Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Is It Every Really Good-bye?

It is strange because RJ and I live in the same neighborhood and I live in one of the apartments he owns, so our ties are not completely severed. Not to worry, I've always sent my rent to his business partner, which has kept things healthfully distant in that aspect. However, I have not randomly or casually run into RJ, and even he shared that he was surprised by this, considering we live three blocks away from each other. I'll admit that I did kind of avoid the main street at first for a bit. Then slowly, I have been venturing into places that I think would be less likely for him to be there sometimes. The neighborhood is my home, too. So, I am not hiding away, but just deciding how to reclaim my part of it.

It is just odd to say good-bye to a relationship without really being able to say good-bye. As a matter of fact, when RJ left after fixing the washer a few weeks ago, he said, "See you around." It felt out of place.

Then I began to notice the clues of RJ's lingering, whether they are somewhat intentional or lacking in his awareness. For example, he has not returned a few things of mine that I didn't realize I left behind, he randomly sent me a text, and he trickles in collecting his things that were left at my place. In our phone calls related to the apartment, he has turned to having an up beat tone in that way that is acting in a friend kind of way, initiates further conversation and still ends things by saying, "I'll talk to you later." I have pondered if these actions have more meaning or if it is just my ruminating in searching for hope or my difficulty with letting go. But in adding them up, I do feel I am getting some mixed messages. His intentions are unclear to me and I don't think he is doing it on purpose. Still, it hurts me.

I tried to tell RJ last week that the friend kind of talk is just too soon for me. I asked him if the change was because had already moved on or if it was masking what he was really feeling. He said it was still hard for him, too, but that he figures it is better to have a positive attitude instead of letting himself be so down. Without seeming like a brat, it was hard for me to really convey that his super positive attitude was hurting me. From my perspective it felt like, "Hey, my life is great! Let me share how wonderful it is, especially when you are not in it!" While I do hope for good things for RJ, I don't want to hear hints about the progress of his life. It's too soon. It hurts me to hear those things because he does not want me in his life anymore. I tried to gently request that he respectfully pull it back some, so as to be sensitive to my feelings. I let him know that I am appreciative that we are trying to be adult in our interactions by taking the higher road. I was trying to establish some kind of healthy boundary in how to interact in moving forward if we are not supposed to be together.

Then in the past few days, I have realized that I am still holding onto hope that RJ will come back to me. It seems terribly silly and unrealistic, but I miss him. I miss RJ. I feel like I am stuck between that place of not wanting to entirely close the door and moving to that place of acceptance in that the relationship is really over. I am teetering.

So, I need to talk to him again. I cannot wait to see if he going to take direct initiative. The lingering and mixed messages keep me in limbo. I have told myself that he needs to be the one to say he wants to come back. But, what if he does and he is too proud? What if these little hints have been his way of reaching out? Have I been pushing him away by reminding him to take his stuff or in my attempts to define boundaries if this is really the end? Am I having second thoughts before saying this is the end of us for myself? I am on the edge and I am afraid of making a mistake with action or inaction.

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