Well, first I want to give myself credit for not waiting to call RJ to ask him if we could talk. I am glad that he was willing to come over and clarify the mixed messages. Because I just don't really feel like hashing out every detail of our conversation, I am going to be brief. I told him how I have been emotionally sitting on the fence of hanging onto hope and taking that step towards acceptance that the relationship has come to an end.
But, it is over. RJ does not see wanting to resume a romantic relationship with me, and he shared that he does not want me holding out for him. His friendly demeanor comes from that we have known each other for two years and the relationship did not end poorly for him. In someways it can be easier when things do go badly because it can be easier to walk away. So, he is still in a comfortable and familiar place with his interactions with me, but he does not want an intimate relationship with me. RJ said that he doesn't necessarily want me out of his life, but is understanding that it may not work for me. He acknowledged that my position is probably harder, as he has been there in the past and it is up to me in how much or how little communication that is shared going forward.
I don't want RJ out of my life, but it hurts too much right now. I told him that even though it is comfortable and easy to share about our lives on some levels, it also hurts because he doesn't want me in his life anymore--not on the level that I want where you really share a life together with someone special. It is hard to go backwards, especially since it seems that my feelings for him were stronger than what he felt for me. Even down the road, I am not sure if having some kind of friendship would be a good thing. Less is probably best. It is just really hard to let go. I feel so very sad. At least I have an answer to my question and I really can move towards acceptance of my new reality--my life without RJ. I will miss him terribly.