Flipping the Calendar

Today as I was flipping my work calendar to get a glimpse of what I already had scheduled for the next month, I heaved a sad sigh.  It seems of late that my life is blocked in month sized segments.  My work schedule is a heavy influence, but about a month at a time is all that I seem to be able to handle.  And the pages just keep turning and time keeps passing by me.  I feel relief when I get through a month, but then it is just another month that has passed.

I have planning my wedding to look forward to this year.  I am really excited, and so is T~.  We are nearly finished with finalizing the venue.  Then we will start figuring out the other large details, such as an officiant, photographer, flowers and music.  And I can seriously start shopping for a dress.  There is much to look forward to in 2015.  It makes me feel happy.

Then in the back of my mind, as much as I try to push it away, I worry about time...time to build a family.  T~ and I have talked about it and we would like to have a child or two.  We agree on small.  He is open to adoption, but it would be nice to try for a baby of our own.  With every passing month we grow older.  I want to enjoy us, and let our relationship continue to grow and unfold.  I'd rather not rush things just to try to get to a maybe baby.  I don't want to wait or put it off either.  Ideally, I would prefer to be married for a year before having a child.  We want to enjoy our first year of marriage.  I don't know how we will feel by then...we may want to try sooner or a tiny bit later.  And if we were to get PG, I want us to be able to enjoy that, too.  I don't want to put us on a timeline.  But, I also don't want too much time to pass.  I am scared of us missing our window of opportunity, but it may have already passed.  Who knows?

Every now and then I will click on a link to a parenting blog that was posted on FB.  Sometimes I read them because I am curious and other times I read them because maybe one day I will find the information helpful to know...maybe...maybe.  Some of the writings are touching or insightful.  Sometimes I tear up a bit, a sting, and I think to myself I must be glutton for punishment.  (The words that got me were I want them to have babies.)

This most recent post made my heart ache.  A mother reflects on her time in motherhood.  She realizes that this life that she has right now is beautiful and something that dreamed about as a girl, a girl who always imagined herself as one day being a mother.  She also believes that when the end of her days come that she will look back on this time as the best part of her life.  (She could be wrong or she could be right.)  But, what she decides to do is to be thankful and drink it all in and allow herself to fully be in the moment and appreciate it.

I wonder, if I don't become a mother, what chapter in my life will I most be wistful?  What part of my life will I hold dear and want to relive in my mind over and over?  Am I living it now?  I find it a little hard to believe while I feel like I am waiting in hope or longing for a dream that may not come to be.  

And that is why I try to shove those worries about time passing to the very farthest corner of my mind.  I am trying to find some space of peace to be able to be happy living the life that I do have.  I am trying so hard to enjoy and make the most of the life I have with T~ right now.  It happens at times, but I want more moments of balanced happiness than those of longing.

What are the chapters in the lives of the childless that are most meaningful or peaceful or happy?  What do the childless wish they could relive just as it was and not as they might have wished it could be?

Leading into Mother's Day

As the years pass, Mother's Day does get easier for me.  I am still in that space in my life that a child could be a possibility.  The acute pain is not as it was when I was actively trying to be a mother.  The sorrow is more distant, somewhat of denial and somewhat of acceptance.

However, it feel like there is a greater presence in advertising for Mother's Day during the week leading into it this year.  I could be wrong.  But, there seems to be more news stories, advertisements on web pages, FB memes and pictures of Mother's Day teas.  My plan is to avoid social media and the internet on Mother's Day, but I am finding myself having to ramp back earlier because the celebrating feels like it is extending into a week.  It is good for people to express true gratitude for their moms.  I just have mixed feelings.  I am trying to balance protecting myself and not hiding from the world.  It seems silly, selfish and sad to feel pain from expressions of love.  I want to be happy for others, but I also don't want it all so much in my face.

I had a few tears when I picked out the card for my mom this year.  She has been so supportive, loving and patient and I am so grateful for so wholly feeling her love.  As the years pass, I become increasingly aware of my parents' mortality.  They have some health issues, but they are managed for now.  I cannot help but think that time is limited.  It is limited just as much for me as much as it is for them, or more.  If I ever get to a place of motherhood, will they be able to enjoy it?  It is a question that lingers in my mind, especially as I see friends who are experiencing ill health and death with their parents.