Christmas music is one of my favorite parts of the holiday, along with several other things like twinkling lights, fresh trees, cookies, candy canes, Christmas Story, Elf, wrapped gifts, spending time with loved ones, midnight mass, the nativity and the story of Jesus's birth. But, I feel Christmas music sets the tone in many of the places you spend time preparing and celebrating the holiday whether it is at home, shopping or at church. My favorite Christmas songs are by Johnny Mathis.
However, it has been a long, long time since I have been able to find the joy in Christmas music. Some things were ripped away when my life changed and I really felt the lonely darkness and cold of the winter season. Music was painful. It took a lot of time and healing to really embrace music more fully again, and it seems like Christmas music was the last to fall into place. While I will wait to listen to Christmas music until after Thanksgiving Day, it was not something I was actively seeking out in my recent past. But this year, I found myself tuning into the radio station quite regularly. It was not until Christmas Eve that I came to realize I have been enjoying Christmas music more wholly again, and that made me smile.
Merry Christmas!
Showing posts with label holidays. Show all posts
Showing posts with label holidays. Show all posts
Friday, December 25, 2015
Thursday, December 11, 2014
The Heart of it All
It was really good to be home for Thanksgiving this year. My fiance and I went to Ohio to visit our families. We had six days, and we spent the first half with my family and the second half with his. It was really nice because T~ got to meet more of my friends. My brother surprised everyone by dropping in for the holiday, traveling up from North Carolina. My parents' reaction was priceless. T~ and I looked at wedding venues, too. While it was very full, it still felt unhurried and with quality time with those we love.
I really miss living in Ohio. I miss home. The trip was just further confirmation for me that I want to move back. Fortunately, T~ would also like to move back to Ohio. It fits us both well. I want to be closer to our families...a car ride verses a plane ride...to be able to spend time with them for holidays and everyday life. I feel like I am missing out on so much!
This has been the year that has filled me with more urgency and want to spend more time with my family and closest friends. I've always enjoyed spending time with them, but time is precious and limited. I feel a greater need to get home. Priorities are shifting and I may not have the patience or the time for my career to catch up. Plus, if I want a chance of trying for a family of my own, time is running out. I may have to chose, but hopefully something will work in my favor soon. A friend of mine said I was nesting. I am just so thankful to have T~ in my life and that we are in it together.
I really miss living in Ohio. I miss home. The trip was just further confirmation for me that I want to move back. Fortunately, T~ would also like to move back to Ohio. It fits us both well. I want to be closer to our families...a car ride verses a plane ride...to be able to spend time with them for holidays and everyday life. I feel like I am missing out on so much!
This has been the year that has filled me with more urgency and want to spend more time with my family and closest friends. I've always enjoyed spending time with them, but time is precious and limited. I feel a greater need to get home. Priorities are shifting and I may not have the patience or the time for my career to catch up. Plus, if I want a chance of trying for a family of my own, time is running out. I may have to chose, but hopefully something will work in my favor soon. A friend of mine said I was nesting. I am just so thankful to have T~ in my life and that we are in it together.
Thursday, May 9, 2013
A Yellow Jacket
Holidays are tough for me and Mother's Day is coming. Sometimes I can feel very lonely, whether it is a day spent by myself because my family is far away or if it a day spent in a room full of people--even people I love. Sometimes holidays can feel like a reminder of what was lost in terms of hopes and dreams--for myself and my parents. There can be sense of failure.
Last summer before I moved from Pittsburgh, I spent time purging to lighten the load to pack. Overall, it felt really good and freeing. There was a bunch of stuff that I gave to my mom to pass along to my goddaughter. I figured she would appreciate it more than sitting in my closet or on a shelf collecting dust. It felt good.
Then a few weeks ago my mom forwarded me a picture of my godchild, O~. She was wearing my yellow spring jacket that I had as a small child. My mom explained that when my cousins came for Easter, the girls wanted to go outside, but it had grown chilly and O~ didn't bring a coat. So, my mom went into the closet and found the jacket and offered it to her to wear. It fit her well and she wore it home. In fact, she enjoyed the coat so much, my mom said she could keep wearing it. The picture my mom sent over the phone was of O~ and LJ going for a walk in the woods in a park near their home.
But somehow this picture did not elicit the same feelings of when I gave O~ the Teacher Barbie and children's books. My heart was sad, and then I felt guilty. My mom had always said that she saved some of my old clothes because she thought that when I had children that maybe they could wear some of them. What was once something I imagined would be for my children, was now being worn by someone else's child. And I cried. But, I did not let my mom know. I didn't have the heart to tell her. She was so excited and happy to share that O~ loved the coat and was so proud to be wearing it.
I mean, I had given pause in the summer when I gave my mom some of my stuff to give to O~, but that stuff didn't seem to have as much meaning. The children's books were kind of a helpful reduction in the mass of books I had collected for my classroom library. In fact, I told my mom to share with my cousins that if there were any books that they didn't really like, to just give them away. The Teacher Barbie was something A~ gave to me as a Christmas present when we were in undergrad together. I went back and forth on that one. It spoke to my roots in teaching, but I kept thinking about him when I saw it. I figured O~ would have more fun playing with it.
But, what I had held back was a little pearl necklace. I don't remember how old I was when my parents gave it to me, but I do remember feeling like it was one of my first real pieces of jewelry. It is a kid's version and not real, but it was close enough as a kid. I went back and forth. Why should it just sit in a jewelry box when O~ could probably enjoy it? But the nagging thought was, what if I have a little girl someday and I want to give it to her? Would I regret giving it to O~? If I gave it to her, would that be giving up on my dream of being a mother? Would I be giving something away in haste and later have regret?
Somehow the yellow jacket had more meaning for me, too. I think it goes back to how items of clothing can carry so much more meaning for some people. And even though the jacket was mine as a child, was it mine to give away? This jacket really belongs to my mom and it is really for her to decide in some ways, I think, maybe. So if that is the case, what does that mean? Has my mom given up the dream that I will have a child someday? Has my mom given up the dream that she will have a grandchild? I thought that coat was special. Maybe it doesn't carry as much meaning as I thought it did for my mom? Or maybe her intent is that O~ can borrow it and then return it when she grows out of it?
I don't know. I just know that I feel terribly upset about it, and I feel incredibly guilty and selfish for feeling sad about it. My heart hurts in so many different ways. And in the picture O~ just looks so happy and like she is having fun wearing the jacket. How can I feel so sad when it makes O~ and my mom so happy? At least I know that by my cousin taking a picture of O~ wearing the coat and sending it to my mom she knows it is important, has meaning and will take care of it.
Last summer before I moved from Pittsburgh, I spent time purging to lighten the load to pack. Overall, it felt really good and freeing. There was a bunch of stuff that I gave to my mom to pass along to my goddaughter. I figured she would appreciate it more than sitting in my closet or on a shelf collecting dust. It felt good.
Then a few weeks ago my mom forwarded me a picture of my godchild, O~. She was wearing my yellow spring jacket that I had as a small child. My mom explained that when my cousins came for Easter, the girls wanted to go outside, but it had grown chilly and O~ didn't bring a coat. So, my mom went into the closet and found the jacket and offered it to her to wear. It fit her well and she wore it home. In fact, she enjoyed the coat so much, my mom said she could keep wearing it. The picture my mom sent over the phone was of O~ and LJ going for a walk in the woods in a park near their home.
But somehow this picture did not elicit the same feelings of when I gave O~ the Teacher Barbie and children's books. My heart was sad, and then I felt guilty. My mom had always said that she saved some of my old clothes because she thought that when I had children that maybe they could wear some of them. What was once something I imagined would be for my children, was now being worn by someone else's child. And I cried. But, I did not let my mom know. I didn't have the heart to tell her. She was so excited and happy to share that O~ loved the coat and was so proud to be wearing it.
I mean, I had given pause in the summer when I gave my mom some of my stuff to give to O~, but that stuff didn't seem to have as much meaning. The children's books were kind of a helpful reduction in the mass of books I had collected for my classroom library. In fact, I told my mom to share with my cousins that if there were any books that they didn't really like, to just give them away. The Teacher Barbie was something A~ gave to me as a Christmas present when we were in undergrad together. I went back and forth on that one. It spoke to my roots in teaching, but I kept thinking about him when I saw it. I figured O~ would have more fun playing with it.
But, what I had held back was a little pearl necklace. I don't remember how old I was when my parents gave it to me, but I do remember feeling like it was one of my first real pieces of jewelry. It is a kid's version and not real, but it was close enough as a kid. I went back and forth. Why should it just sit in a jewelry box when O~ could probably enjoy it? But the nagging thought was, what if I have a little girl someday and I want to give it to her? Would I regret giving it to O~? If I gave it to her, would that be giving up on my dream of being a mother? Would I be giving something away in haste and later have regret?
Somehow the yellow jacket had more meaning for me, too. I think it goes back to how items of clothing can carry so much more meaning for some people. And even though the jacket was mine as a child, was it mine to give away? This jacket really belongs to my mom and it is really for her to decide in some ways, I think, maybe. So if that is the case, what does that mean? Has my mom given up the dream that I will have a child someday? Has my mom given up the dream that she will have a grandchild? I thought that coat was special. Maybe it doesn't carry as much meaning as I thought it did for my mom? Or maybe her intent is that O~ can borrow it and then return it when she grows out of it?
I don't know. I just know that I feel terribly upset about it, and I feel incredibly guilty and selfish for feeling sad about it. My heart hurts in so many different ways. And in the picture O~ just looks so happy and like she is having fun wearing the jacket. How can I feel so sad when it makes O~ and my mom so happy? At least I know that by my cousin taking a picture of O~ wearing the coat and sending it to my mom she knows it is important, has meaning and will take care of it.
Monday, December 31, 2012
A Collision of Selves
A little over a week ago, I was at a team huddle meeting at work. My boss was telling a story about the talent show/variety show at a local medical college for it's first graduating class. It is not so much of the talent show from elementary school, as most people who were performing were quite talented in their performing arts. It serves as a celebration beyond the sciences before the students have Match Day to find out their assignments for residency. My boss was briefly cluing people into the Match Day process, where the medical students go on interviews for residency and then the students and the hospital programs rank their preferences. All of this information is submitted into a computer program for the entire country and it does its computing and matches most all of the students to a program. Then on Match Day, each student's name is called and they are given an envelope to open and find out where they will go for residency. Match Day is in late March, and most students have about six weeks to finish classes and pack up and move for the next step. The talent show/variety show is an opportunity to take pause and celebrate before the mayhem begins and everyone goes their separate ways.
My boss was very impressed and touched by the talent show/variety show experience. As he was describing it, I found myself swept away by an emotional wave that took me back to a place I did not anticipating revisiting. My eyes started to get teary and I had to look away and not make eye contact with anyone in the room. All with that brief summary of Match Day, it took me back to the time when I was with A~ and going through that process. It felt like my past life was flashing in snippets before me, with the excitement, nervousness and wonder about what was going to be the next chapter in our lives together. I remember when he came home after the first round of interviews. He was bounding with a brightness of fantastic possibility that we did not realize was before us. Our initial expectation was that he was going to probably rank Pittsburgh or Cleveland as top choices. But when he came home and told me about some of the other programs and what they had to offer, I felt it was important to be open to those other choices. So, I went with him for other interviews and second looks to check out other cities and take it all into consideration. It was a beautiful time when A~ and I really worked as a team and he included me in his career choices because it was going to impact our life together. We were giddy with the new found adventure before us, and we were scared to let our parents down if we ended up in another city. We tried to buffer the news, but we were also cautious about sharing too much because we did not want them to try to convince us otherwise. This had to be our decision. It was a chance to see how we could make it as a couple, and it would push us to grow in ways we could not imagine.
And so I sat there with all of these warm, bubbling memories of a life past, a life now gone. As quickly as these moments surfaced, along came the crashing flood of sadness and grief. I thought back to my old self, feeling sad for her not knowing what was to come. How brave and trusting she was in her relationship with A~ and feeling like they were on the edge of something incredible. All of the sacrifice, the dreaming and the determination of really making it together with him...gone, all very gone. All of that work and planning and hope...all just so far away gone.
Was it all for nothing? Is it now meaningless? What was the point?
And there I sat, with my job... in a hospital... in Florida... in a place that my old self would have never imagined, especially not without him by my side. For a moment, I felt outside of my own body and I just felt so sad.
How long had it been?
Ten years.
Ten years ago this holiday season, I was out on the road traveling with him squeezing in interviews and second look visits while popping in to see our family for the holidays.
My life feels like it could be nothing further than what my old self would have or could have imagined. And now where am I? How was it that I came to work at a hospital? Is it weird or strange that my life has taken this path?
What will happen in the next ten years? How much will change? How much will I change? Will I be happy? Or will I be lost and waiting?
The emotional swells have been reverberating within me, as I try to find a place of balance, strength and acceptance of my current reality. I know I am in a place of transition once again. I just need to be patient. It is okay to grieve what was lost, honor it and put it down again.
My boss was very impressed and touched by the talent show/variety show experience. As he was describing it, I found myself swept away by an emotional wave that took me back to a place I did not anticipating revisiting. My eyes started to get teary and I had to look away and not make eye contact with anyone in the room. All with that brief summary of Match Day, it took me back to the time when I was with A~ and going through that process. It felt like my past life was flashing in snippets before me, with the excitement, nervousness and wonder about what was going to be the next chapter in our lives together. I remember when he came home after the first round of interviews. He was bounding with a brightness of fantastic possibility that we did not realize was before us. Our initial expectation was that he was going to probably rank Pittsburgh or Cleveland as top choices. But when he came home and told me about some of the other programs and what they had to offer, I felt it was important to be open to those other choices. So, I went with him for other interviews and second looks to check out other cities and take it all into consideration. It was a beautiful time when A~ and I really worked as a team and he included me in his career choices because it was going to impact our life together. We were giddy with the new found adventure before us, and we were scared to let our parents down if we ended up in another city. We tried to buffer the news, but we were also cautious about sharing too much because we did not want them to try to convince us otherwise. This had to be our decision. It was a chance to see how we could make it as a couple, and it would push us to grow in ways we could not imagine.
And so I sat there with all of these warm, bubbling memories of a life past, a life now gone. As quickly as these moments surfaced, along came the crashing flood of sadness and grief. I thought back to my old self, feeling sad for her not knowing what was to come. How brave and trusting she was in her relationship with A~ and feeling like they were on the edge of something incredible. All of the sacrifice, the dreaming and the determination of really making it together with him...gone, all very gone. All of that work and planning and hope...all just so far away gone.
Was it all for nothing? Is it now meaningless? What was the point?
And there I sat, with my job... in a hospital... in Florida... in a place that my old self would have never imagined, especially not without him by my side. For a moment, I felt outside of my own body and I just felt so sad.
How long had it been?
Ten years.
Ten years ago this holiday season, I was out on the road traveling with him squeezing in interviews and second look visits while popping in to see our family for the holidays.
My life feels like it could be nothing further than what my old self would have or could have imagined. And now where am I? How was it that I came to work at a hospital? Is it weird or strange that my life has taken this path?
What will happen in the next ten years? How much will change? How much will I change? Will I be happy? Or will I be lost and waiting?
The emotional swells have been reverberating within me, as I try to find a place of balance, strength and acceptance of my current reality. I know I am in a place of transition once again. I just need to be patient. It is okay to grieve what was lost, honor it and put it down again.
Saturday, November 24, 2012
Turkey Day Thoughts
While it is still Thanksgiving weekend, I want to remember to quickly get down some thoughts while they are fresh in my mind. So much has been happening in such a short amount of time that I am not getting to all of the posts that I have floating along in my head.
- I am thankful for my new job and I am loving it! Even with not being a morning person, I find myself happy and looking forward to the day when I get up around 5:15 am. My spirits are usually high as I jam along with my early commute watching the sun start to come up.
- I am thankful for family and friends who love me. Emails, texts and phone calls carry with me as I often wonder how everyone is doing. My thoughts and prayers are with you all for health, peace and happiness.
- I am thankful for the new friends that I am making in Orlando. I am starting to make connections here and it is helping me to settle into my new home. Just want to keep going with the exploring and adventures that come my way.
- I am thankful for this new chapter in my life. Moving to Orlando has given me a fresh start and a new perspective. I feel more open and free than I have in a long time. I am hopeful for what is on the horizon as I try to remember to take it one day at a time and live in the present.
- I am thankful for healing space. It takes a lot of strength to let go and I imagine myself more and more on the side of freedom. My past will always be part of who I am, but there is more focus on the present in who I am now.
- I am thankful for my family in Florida and having the opportunity to spend my first Thanksgiving in Orlando with them. Of course I missed my parents, brother, sister and cousins this year. But this holiday was I think the first that my heart did not hurt for a longing of a life I so desire to have. I needed that. Even with other holidays being better since my divorce, there has always been that little stab of emotional pain that crept into my heart. A friend of mine suggested that I spend a holiday doing something totally different. Part of me wished I took her up on that offer a few years ago, but I think I got to experience some of that relief this holiday. There are times I feel sad with lost dreams, not being able to provide my parents with grandchildren, and a longing to share a life with a love. Thank you to my cousins for being so welcoming. It was a lovely day. And it was funny because my cousin's mother-in-law makes homemade stuffing very similar to my mom's. So in some ways, my Cleveland Thanksgiving was not too far off from the Thanksgiving table in Florida. My mom's stuffing is better. But, this was a good close second.
Friday, May 11, 2012
Moments of Mourning
Yesterday was an unexpectedly bad day. But then, maybe not. Maybe I've been trying to hold the emotions at bay, or maybe I've been distancing them until I could make sense of them.
Mother's Day is coming and my mind has been on the twins. They would be three by now.
As I was driving to work, I just could not stop crying. The tears rolled down my cheeks and I just let them come and wash over me...while on this rare occasion being thankful for the traffic along my way to work that extended my drive to a long 45 minutes.
I hate feeling so sick about Mother's Day. On top of that, add a layer of guilt. I will not be spending the day with my mom because she is working all day and lives in a different state. But my mom said not to worry because it is like she is getting two Mother's Days this year. I was with my family last weekend celebrating my sister's college graduation. (Yea, Kara!) Then, I will be returning to Cleveland to run in the half-marathon and going to my god daughter's birthday party next weekend. So, all good family time. :)
Today was better. Maybe some of it is out of my system. I felt frustrated because March came and went without the emotional roller coaster this year. I took this as a sign of progress. It is not to say that I don't think about them, but it didn't hurt so much...until yesterday. I miss and grieve the opportunity to be their mother. My heart aches and I so want to be a mother. I know I would be a good mother. But I just don't only want children. I want a child to share with a man with whom I love, in a life that we build together...and that would be a blessing because the relationship is the priority.
And I need to be patient with myself. Grief is a process. It will always be there, but less each time it surfaces while showing new meaning or taking a different shape. Feel it, embrace it, honor it and then let it go again and again.
So, I take down those hopes for having a child and put them on another shelf while I continue to reorganize my life. I need to be able to take care of myself first...have a full-time job. Then I need to have the space to meet someone special with time to nurture the relationship. And I go back to the grind of searching and finding that next place in my career. I've been working really hard and meeting a lot of great people doing great things for children in the hospital and educational fields. Something has to open up soon.
Mother's Day is coming and my mind has been on the twins. They would be three by now.
As I was driving to work, I just could not stop crying. The tears rolled down my cheeks and I just let them come and wash over me...while on this rare occasion being thankful for the traffic along my way to work that extended my drive to a long 45 minutes.
I hate feeling so sick about Mother's Day. On top of that, add a layer of guilt. I will not be spending the day with my mom because she is working all day and lives in a different state. But my mom said not to worry because it is like she is getting two Mother's Days this year. I was with my family last weekend celebrating my sister's college graduation. (Yea, Kara!) Then, I will be returning to Cleveland to run in the half-marathon and going to my god daughter's birthday party next weekend. So, all good family time. :)
Today was better. Maybe some of it is out of my system. I felt frustrated because March came and went without the emotional roller coaster this year. I took this as a sign of progress. It is not to say that I don't think about them, but it didn't hurt so much...until yesterday. I miss and grieve the opportunity to be their mother. My heart aches and I so want to be a mother. I know I would be a good mother. But I just don't only want children. I want a child to share with a man with whom I love, in a life that we build together...and that would be a blessing because the relationship is the priority.
And I need to be patient with myself. Grief is a process. It will always be there, but less each time it surfaces while showing new meaning or taking a different shape. Feel it, embrace it, honor it and then let it go again and again.
So, I take down those hopes for having a child and put them on another shelf while I continue to reorganize my life. I need to be able to take care of myself first...have a full-time job. Then I need to have the space to meet someone special with time to nurture the relationship. And I go back to the grind of searching and finding that next place in my career. I've been working really hard and meeting a lot of great people doing great things for children in the hospital and educational fields. Something has to open up soon.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Easter (Yes, I know it was in April.)
I started this post a while back, but am just now getting to finishing it! So, just because I don't want to forget how special it meant to me to share Easter weekend with RJ...
We went to Cleveland on Saturday to spend the day with my family. It was the first time RJ was coming to my hometown on Lake Erie and I felt so nervous. I just did not know what he would think and I hoped it would go well with meeting more of my family. I really enjoyed talking on our drive to my hometown and I had to chuckle when RJ asked me, "Am I asking too many questions?" One of best parts was that as I was taking him around town to see where I went to school and the first house that I grew up and the time he spent with my family, he took a genuine interest in it all. It was not like he was doing this stuff out of obligation, but that he really wanted to be there and participate. He was also very kind in sharing that he loved how cozy and comfortable my family's house felt and it was exactly what he imagined in a house near a lake. I also had to laugh because he shared how he understood why I kept saying how Lake Erie is a lake--a real lake. While with the North Park Lake in the Pittsburgh area, it's like you want to pinch its cheeks and with a gentle laugh say, "Aren't you so cute, trying to be a lake?" I grew up near water and I think that is going to be a requirement for me--to live by some form of water. It is just so calming to me.
On Easter Sunday, RJ suggested we go to church in our neighborhood. I was glad that I went and found a familiar sense of peace being in the space. For whatever reason, I find comfort in sitting in a church. I also appreciated RJ's reverence and respect during the service, not that I expected anything different from him. He is a good guy.
I have not been to church in a while, mostly because I am having a difficult time with whole annulment process. It just feels so invasive and unnecessarily lengthy considering how I have purposefully sought help in healing in other ways. I have a difficult time with the concept of having to prove that I should not have gotten married in the first place--because given all that I knew then and how I felt, I honestly do not think I would have changed my mind. But the Catholic church does have a caveat that if the other person steps outside of the commitment of marriage, that it is grounds for an annulment for the wronged spouse. Unfortunately, there is no check box to indicate that and skip having to write out all of the miserable details at length for some group of strangers to read and discuss and judge you on if they think your relationship was messed up from the beginning for it to be better if it had never existed.
After mass, we went to his grandma's house and had dinner with RJ's mother's family. It was very nice of his family to share in their Easter tradition of painting Easter Eggs using traditional Ukrainian wax, tools and dyes. His aunt also made this amazing sweet bread that I think uses sour cream and then you top it with butter, cream cheese or horseradish. Yum! I also appreciated how after dinner, his family sat around the dining room table and talked and shared stories as a group. It reminds me a lot of how my mom's side of the family spends time together.
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