Graduation--I Made It!

It is official, official--I graduated and I now have a Master of Science in Applied Developmental Psychology. One-hundred five pages of my thesis project in program design proposing a preschool literacy program for a children's hospital setting is done. An executive summary of two pages highlighting the most important elements of my program and oral comps to present my project to a two person panel in the department is complete. With the final edits submitted, I can now say that I have accomplished my academic goal.

It was a lot of hard work and I had spent many long nights reading and writing to get it all done on time. Even though the class is for three credits, it is really six credits worth of work. Plus I was studying and preparing for the Child Life exam in November, which I passed. That was the equivalent of three credits. So, this fall was like going to school full-time, plus I have been working part-time with a temporary job at the children's hospital. Looking back, I don't know how I got it all done. But I am grateful for my friends and family who were patient and supportive as it took away much of my free time.

My mom and dad came into town for my graduation ceremony last week. I am so happy that they were able to come and share in my day. RJ and his parents also attended the event. And when the dean asked family and significant others to stand for recognition of their support, they took their turn. I was so happy to turn around and see their smiling faces.

These past few weeks have been especially emotional for me. As the deadline for my work was due, I waited with bated breath to see if I would really be able to get it all done. I was afraid to admit that I was going to graduate because I was afraid of the "what if's" and I did not want to disappoint myself or anyone else. But I kept working and pushing to get it done and to get it done well. I do not like to do anything half-heartedly.

But my emotions have also spilling over because graduation has a greater significance than just another degree. It is also part of my journey in taking back my life. Pouring myself into school is one thing that I have used to cope with the changes in my life in the midst and after the divorce. It was my chance to invest in myself and to have something good to work towards. And on the days when my mind would start running about what was going to happen to me, grad school allowed me to refocus on the smaller goals and to just take it one day at a time or one class at a time. With every passing assignment and every passing class, it helped to build my confidence.

On the days when it would be really tough, I had a song in the back of my mind urging me to keep going to keep doing my best. I was on my way to moving further and further beyond the heartbreak of my past. I kept telling myself to trust in myself and that everything would be worth it and the fresh start with independence was just around the corner. If I needed some inspiration before settling into writing my paper, I would play this song and remind myself to get back to the business of the task at hand. It is also heavily played on my iPod with the pounding of my feet along the pavement in the cool fall/winter air in those few times that I can squeeze in a run.

It is the end of one chapter and the beginning of a new one, which is both terrifying and freeing. During this last semester, especially towards the end as I got closer to finishing, I found there were moments that I could not help but cry. With frustration, I would also ask myself why I am feeling this way? But then in another moment, I would feel on top of the world, proud of myself, and bursting to show the world what I have to give. I should be feeling a more constant happy, but I often feel a mess of everything all at once. It ebbs and flows and in the moments of peace, I try to relax.

I had the school plan in place and now that it is done, I actually have some choices to make. I need to decide where I want to focus my job search. Where do I go from here? It is completely open and I am not entirely sure. I am hoping to steal away a little bit more time so that I can be still for just a moment and listen to my heart. While I do not want to rush, I do not want to miss any opportunities either.

But also, I want to get back to the business of living my life more freely--spending time with the people I care about and enjoying the simple fun in life--slow it down a bit to notice and to take pleasure in what I am thankful to have in my life. But I think what will help get me there are the wise words from one of the speakers at my graduation. She said let your faith be stronger than your fear. Have faith in yourself, have faith in what you are set out to do with accomplishing greatness, and have faith in God that He will lead you.

Thesis Project

I am working on the last of my thesis project. I have a LOT of work that still needs to be done. I am just taking a break for just a moment to put it out into the universe to send good vibes my way to keep strong and focused to get it done. I feel like there is so much riding on graduating in December.

Consumed by School and the Next Step

This week I took the Child Life certification exam. I took it at a testing center online and shortly after pressing the submit button to end the test, I found out that I passed! Many of my friends and family said they didn't have a doubt. I was feeling pretty good about it, too, but just didn't want to count my chickens until they hatched. It was a lot of pressure, given that the exam is only offered twice each year. And the Child Life Council does not share what it takes to get a passing score, so that adds to the anxiety level. So, whew! Glad that is done!

That being said, studying for the test has been taking up much of my free time while looming over my head. I have been preparing for it for almost three months. So, my thesis project has been taking a bit of a back burner and now I need to really get rolling on it. I also went to two professional conferences this fall, both were very beneficial. I have been a busy lady and now that I have taken this weekend to breathe and regroup, I have felt badly that I have not been quite as connected with some of my friends. I've reached out and fortunately I feel they are understanding and I had met a couple of them out last night for some girl time. It was hard to really enjoy it with all that is on my mind, but fully thankful for having that night out.

Now that the test is over, I have my thesis project to complete before graduation. I just want to get through these last weeks and get to the finish line. I feel like at this moment in time my life is almost all about school and I have been feeling a little one-dimentional. It will be so nice to have a normal life again--having free time and having more choice in how I want to fill it. But approaching the end also scares me. Graduation means a lot to me in not just completing a huge educational goal, but it will also be the turning point in which I have the power to really take control of my life again, to get my life back after the divorce.

So with feeling a lot of intense emotions, I decided it would be smart to check-in with my counselor to help me sort things out and regain my footing before this last push. I told him that I am afraid to fail, but I have been trying to break it down into smaller tasks and to not get too far ahead of myself. He said that I am not afraid to fail, but afraid to succeed. He told me, you are succeeding and you are getting to the end and you will have all of these choices and opportunities. I think he has a point. I have been working so hard to just get by and to not get to wrapped up in worring about my future that now it is almost here. I will have to make a choice.

Not only will I need to make a choice in what direction I want to take my career, but that may very well affect my relationship with RJ. Which means I am also going to need to really consider how I feel about him. I don't feel ready for that yet. I feel like I have gotten to a really good place in processing my divorce and the loss of adoption, that I am feeling so much more free. Before now, I knew I was not ready to really think about marriage. And I feel like as I am finishing school, I am getting to that place to have the mental space to really give my relationship more thought. But I am feeling this possible crunch of having to decide sooner, rather than a bit later, depending on when I decide when I want/need to open my job search outside of Pittsburgh.

I do not want to take a job and feel like I am settling after all of my hard work. But then, I may still have some resume building to do regardless. Do I stay or do I go? I don't want to sacrifice my career for a guy after what happened in my marriage. But I don't want to pass up on love if there is potential for a lasting long-term, I want to spend the rest of my life with you kind of relationship.

RJ has also started to question the relationship. We have only started to really begin talking and I am not sure if his mind is made up or if he is scared, too. I could speculate round and round, but I really need to have more conversations with him. But we also need time to just be us. The very bottom line is that I need to decide how I feel about him. And I think there has been part of me that has been putting that thought process off because I am scared to trust in my feelings. Along the way I have been able to say yes there is some pretty fantastic stuff here, so enjoy it and don't over think it. But as time passes, there comes a time when you have to assess the fun and decide if you want to make it last for the long-term.

I have been shaken in trusting myself in how my marriage ended. I felt so certain about making that decision. And looking back, with what I knew then and how I felt, I would not have made a different choice. But my councelor said that I cannot base my decisions in life based on fear of what may happen. I have to trust what I know in that moment in time and make the best choice. Life is not static, it is constantly changing and we have to grow and adapt.

My counselor made a really good point. In life, there is no certainty. You also cannot wait for every part of your life to be perfect either before you act. Say I take a job in another city, there could be budget cuts and I would need to look for work again. Or if I have that awesome job and meet someone, there could be the possibility that they could get a job transfer. I could stay here and choose relationship and something terrible could happen to either one of us. The point is that I cannot plan out every detail or have a back up plan for every case scenario. I have been thinking very rationally about my relationship with RJ, but what I need to do is to consider the heart. I have to look for those moments, the ones when you know everything fits and it feels fluid and full of life, not just going through the motions. I have to re-embrace the feeling part of life and see what it tells me.

But relationships take two people. So, I have to focus on doing my part. Time will tell what RJ will do with his part. And now I am a ball of nerves. And I have to somehow find the focus to get to the business of the last of my work. Yikes!

Ha! Like I Really Would Know What I Am Doing!

I have about a week left with my internship at the children's hospital in Columbus. I have been feeling so many emotions. There have been times I have felt frustrated and wondered if I will ever know all that I need to know about Child Life. Then I have had more moments in building new confidence in what I am doing at the hospital. I get excited as I can start to see the light at the end of the tunnel which is my journey through grad school. I can begin to see that I am almost there! Then I panic because I can feel a little scared about how I will do about getting a job. I question my abilities to make it on my own. I haven't worked full-time since leaving teaching in my own classroom in May 2006. It's a little scary. Then I dream about someday having a little house and knowing that I will support myself. I hope I will feel better once I do have my first job out of grad school.

I thought I would feel more settled and have more answers by the end of the summer--or at least more certainty. But I don't. However what I do have is a plan for what I will do this fall and I will just have to go with the flow with the rest. Just have to keep remembering to breathe, take one day at a time, and let go of expectations without giving up the dreaming.

Columbus Bound

So it has been a little busy for me since my last post. And I kind of wanted to wait to share once everything was really in place and confirmed. But, yep--I'm going to Columbus for the summer! I feel really good about the program because they were really excited about me and I felt really excited about them, too.

Pittsburgh did make an offer and I felt honored. Before finalizing my choice, I talked to one more person on the staff. My main concern with passing up the internship in Pittsburgh would maybe hurt my chances of getting a job in their hospital once I have graduated. It made me feel better about my decision to go to Columbus because they understood the benefits of going to another hospital in developing my career. And it can help me in looking for a job in Pittsburgh when I am done because I will have something to bring back with some fresh ideas. It is a risk, but one worth taking.

On a personal note, it is important to me to go to Columbus because I want to be able to open up as many opportunities for myself once I am done with my graduate studies. About two years ago, when I really started my journey with pursuing my master's, I had no intention of staying in Pittsburgh. I wanted to tie up the loose ends of my divorce, get my degree and get out of this town. I lost half of my life with the divorce--half of the people I considered to be family-- grounding in familiar places with what had once been happy memories--my home--my hopes and dreams--my identity. Granted I had a few friends, but they are married and you can only be some one's third wheel for so long.

Then as I started going back to school, I decided I needed to put myself out there. I needed to be around people and I needed to be active and to feel alive again. Instead of waiting to finish my degree to restart my life, I chose to live in the moment right then and there. I felt free and wanted to make every moment count. It was scary, but also thrilling. And so I got to experience a whole different side of Pittsburgh. It was like I rediscovered the city and made it new all over again, just for me.

I am more involved and more connected. I have been able to share in the happy moments of rebuilding my life with my old friends and I have made new friends. I am thankful for these friendship because of the support I have felt from all of these very special people who have come into my life. And one of those special people is RJ.

But I want my decision to stay in Pittsburgh to be just that--my decision. By going to Columbus it will let me take a step outside of Pittsburgh and to experience another city. I will be able to test out how it might feel to move somewhere else and to start anew. It will give me a better perspective on how I really feel about Pittsburgh. I don't want to stay because I don't feel like moving my crap or because it is easy. I don't want to feel any regret or resentment about staying in Pittsburgh. It can't just be about a guy or because this is where I got stuck as a result of my divorce.

I hope that all will work out in the end. I am feeling a lot of pressure like I have to make a choice and that somehow it feels permanent. But I think I need to allow myself to be more fluid. And when I do get my first job after I graduate, that I should remember that this doesn't have to be the job I stay at for the rest of my life. If it doesn't work out, I can always change. I just have so many dreams I wish to happen and I am afraid of loosing more time.

The Interviews Are Done

I have to keep reminding myself to take a few deep breaths. I just finished last interview for a Child Life internship on Friday (Although, one last program could still call, but I'm doubtful at this point.). Now is the waiting game to see who makes an offer. It is down to four programs and if I thought the interviews were stressful, the waiting is worse.

I think this has been worsened by my last interview. My last interview was very intimidating with seven people sitting at a table and asking me questions. I feel that I answered their questions well and seemed to get a lot of smiles and head nods. But then as the interview was wrapping up they said that they would be making their decision on Monday and calling me. I feel like that can be interpreted in one of two ways. One, they already know the two candidates they want and I am not one of them. Or two, they know one and were waiting for my interview (the last one) to see if I was what they were really hoping to see.

I could throw up. I am afraid to pick up my phone tomorrow.

Then I should be hearing back from one of the other programs early this week. And the other two programs said they would get in touch with me around the 22nd of February. But if any other program called to make an offer, to let them know right away.

So far I have handled some of the rejection letters and emails well. I applied to 12 programs and can't expect all of them to be making offers. But now that all of the interviews are done and it is out of my control, it is really scary. It is down to four and I am trying to remain positive, but trying not to set myself up for disappointment.

To add to this stress is that I have a high likilyhood of being away from Pittsburgh for about three months or so. This both excites me and worries me, and I have been trying very hard to push those feelings aside until the reality unfolds itself. I know RJ really wants me to stay in town, but he has also expressed that he will support me in whatever happens. The good thing in all of this is that he works from home and that maybe if I end up out of town, he will be able to have more flexibility to come and visit me. But the bottom line is that I have to make my decision as to what will be best for me and my career.

Please send me some good vibes or prayers or any positive energy my way!

Living Up the Last of Summer--Quick Updates

I have spent time away from my blog because I have just been so crazy busy living life! And that is not such a bad reason for not having posted in a bit. But I do want to touch on a few things as August comes to a close and the school year kicks it into high gear.

1. Summer Reading Program--I pitched an idea to support literacy development for children receiving long-term care at the children's hospital. And with some continued talk, I got hired to create and implement an eight week pilot summer reading program! One part involves sharing fabulous children's literature by featuring three books each week in a read aloud/booktalk. These were done in the library at the hospital and at bedside. If the child liked the book, they got to keep it. (If it was not of their taste, then I had a stash of other books from which to choose.) The second part was to encourage the kids to spend a certain amount of time reading independently to earn fabulous, cheesy prizes. It has been an awesome job! I am basically like a book fairy. I get the kids excited to read and then surprise them with getting to keep books for free. Some of the parents have gotten just as much into listening to me read as the kids. Do not underestimate how much people of all ages love to listen to some read aloud. And it is something that I will be able to get some grad credits for some of the evaluation work that I do with it this fall!
2. Kickball--Our team was crazy good in the spring--second place in the play-offs. But then with a few roster changes this summer, our team was terrible. We won only the last game of the season. But we still rocked our bubble gum pink t-shirts and enjoyed in a ton of laughs. This season was a little more fun for me because my finger finally healed enough that I was able to be moved to playing second base instead of catcher.
3. Pool Time/Girl Time--August has gone by so quickly that I think I actually spent more time swimming in July than I did in August. But what I will say about pool time in August is that I have had some good girlfriend time there. I've enjoyed lounging around the pool and having that time to have some meaningful girl talk, both with new friends and old friends. It is like the water just has a way of freeing you, to let you be more open for things to drift out. It is then that you realize you are caught up in something deeper than you might have expected and learn something new about the other person. And I have had some great girl time away from the pool, too. I am just so happy to be blessed with some great friendships. The best times are when you walk away feeling that rich connection and you just feel so good about yourself. It feels awesome when you know that friendship is being reciprocated and that you are able to give back to your friend.
4. New Guy--Yep, we're still dating and I am enjoying that! We have been spending more time together and he makes me smile. It is the little things that tickle me and really start to add up. And it is fun to know that you are being thought of during the moments away. It is not to say that we haven't had a few ups and downs, but I think we make an effort to talk about things openly and honestly. My favorite times are the trips to Home Depot, walking around in his neighborhood of the city--Little Italy, and cooking together. Life still feels like being on an adventure with him (i.e. caught my first trout last weekend) and he has a touch of a romantic in him that I love to observe in his ways.
5. Fall Classes at Pitt Begin--This time around I will be a full-time student! I am excited and nervous. But when I start to get nervous, I just focus on what a wonderful opportunity I have at hand and to take it one step at a time. I really love what I am studying and grad school is so much more fulfilling, deeper, and richer than undergrad. I think having time and experience from which to draw upon make the classes more meaningful. I just really want to make the most of my experience while I am back at school.

I know there is more and I know there is a greater depth that some of these things deserve. But for now, this is what I have. I also want to thank a friend who gave me some good advise in that I don't have to publish all of my posts and that some can just be for me. I am really glad that I did that because sometimes it is just about getting the thoughts out of your head so that you can look at them better. And in another blog, I carefully read some good advise to be mindful of respecting other people who may appear in my blog so as not to over share about them. Some things need to be kept to myself, both out of respect and for a little mystery.

I wonder what the fall will bring. I have not wanted summer to end, but I think I am in a better place to accept some of the changes and to remind myself to go with the flow.