As of Late

Some brief updates since my last post:

• Been focusing on my health to get my body in better shape, both for myself and when we want to be more actively trying for a child.  Being better about taking my vitamins and getting enough regular sleep.
• Had gotten back into building a more regular workout schedule with running and some biking.  I was making good use of my planner to map out my workout time for the week and recording it once it was complete.  My hope was to train for another half-marathon in the spring.
• However, much of the progress I made on my health goals came to a grinding halt when I got sick.  I was really sick!  I got a nasty upper respiratory virus that later turned into an ear infection.  It all lasted seven days (plus two trips to the doctor) until I actually started to feel a bit more normal.  I did a lot of nothing but rest and take in fluids.  On the eighth day I was well enough to return to work.  Tal commented that I was actually much more myself and I don't think it was until then that he fully realized how sick I was.  Fortunately, I only had to miss two days of actual work because of my rotating schedule.  Unfortunately, I was sick during my long weekend off and two other days off and had to work four straight when going back to work.
• Had a bit to catch up on at work the following week.  While it was just two days of actual work missed, I had a lot planned for those two days, plus emails and it being busy season at the hospital (peak of flu season).  So, I didn't really get back to exercise because I was letting myself get plenty of sleep while I was still recovering from being sick.
• Working on the house.  During late fall/ early winter, we painted the dining room and living room.  Took a break during the holidays.  After rebuilding some of the savings, we recently bought some new furniture and lamps.  I think it has been hard for me to really jump into more actively trying to have a child because I want to feel more settled in the house.  We hope to paint the kitchen in a few weeks.  And we are just about done unpacking the last bits from the move.  Our house is feeling more like a home.
• Enjoying time as a couple.  It is important for us to connect.  While having a child at our age is not preferred and time is ticking, I don't want to rush things to just check a box.  We need time for us and our relationship is a priority.  Without a solid relationship, it would be very challenging to raise a family.  So, we enjoyed restaurant week, went to a concert and talked about future plans.

So, moving forward, I plan on getting back to the gym, we've picked some dates for finishing up the painting and hopefully we can schedule delivery of our new furniture soon.  By spring we should feel much more settled in our house.  May have to pick a different race and scale back to a 10K, but it will feel good to reach a more attainable goal.  And we have to focus on our timeline for when we feel ready to take the next steps.  Time will tell if we may need to readjust our family building plan, but I'd rather take the time we need to build a solid foundation than to rush something that needs that foundation.

Arm Wrap Up

Yesterday was my last session of PT for my shoulder.  There were a lot of emotions.  Nearly eight months of therapy after a failed attempt of treatment from another care provider and fourteen months since the injury.

I am thankful for being able to get a second opinion and to then get the care I really needed and advocated to get in the first place.  I am thankful for the doctor who believed my pain and that I should not settle for partial healing and movement of my arm.  I am thankful that he referred me to a fantastic PT group who also took my concerns as real and my desire to get better as true.  The new doctor and PT group found it reasonable for me to want to be able to put on a coat without pain or hook my bra when getting dressed in the morning or to be able to sleep through the night.  They recognized that my injury and healing process were atypical and were not going to give up.  They were able to work with my injury so that I could avoid surgery or manipulation under anesthesia.

It took a long time, and with very slow and steady progress.  They did not place blame or make me feel badly for it taking so long to recover.  They focused on the forward progress no matter how small.  They acknowledged my efforts and were my cheerleaders.  They listened to all of the little, subtle details of what I observed or noticed along the way to make adjustments or tweaks in their treatment plan.  They did not make me feel silly for being frustrated by some of the limitations I had experienced in my range of motion.   They were glad that I wanted to be able to throw a baseball again or reach for the cereal on the top shelf or be able to make snow angels.  I did not just want to settle for partial results.  Sure, I may not get back to exactly how my arm was before the accident.  But, I don't have to settle for good enough.  They understood that I wanted to get back to as close to my normal, which may be a bit farther than most because of me being hypermobile or naturally more flexible.  It was not a crazy expectation or unrealistic.  It was just me wanting to be me again.

So, before I left on that last day, I thanked the PT therapists who worked with me.  I also thanked other staff for their patience and kindness.  Once I stepped out of the hospital, I cried a little bit.  Tears of relief, tears of saying good-bye and tears of thankfulness.  Hopefully, it is over and my arm can heal that last five percent on its own with my own exercise, regular living and time.  I am walking away feeling confident in the medical care I finally received.

Up in the Air

Literally and figuratively...spending time on a plane and traveling and what possibilities lay ahead.

August and July have been all over the place as far as my career.  Things seem to be going well with my part-time position in that my work is appreciated by the families and my team.  It feels good to have that kind of success and I am grateful.  My hours have fluctuated up and down and now probably up by a lot, but still not full-time right now.  There have been changes in the company and one of my coworkers took another position.  So, I'm taking it one day at a time and do the best work that I can.

With things still not being full-time, I had followed a couple of promising leads.  However, I have not been successful, but have been SO close.  Both said it was a difficult decision, but want to keep my information on file should something come available.  Fingers crossed!

But for now, I will have to let go.  As I have said before, interviewing gets me dreaming and there is so much that I want in my life, my life with T~.  I would like a steady full-time job, healthcare benefits, retirement benefits, a house, travel, and to be in a place that when we are ready to start trying to have a family that we feel ready and not scrambling for the next steps to get us there.  It is hard getting your hopes up and to then be let down.  I am sad because I really wanted the last position, but it is all out of my control.  I did the very best that I could.  They really liked me, but the other person had just a little more experience in the specific department they were hiring.  It hurts to keep putting yourself out there.

Thankfully, T~ is very supportive and he understands that I need a break.  He admitted that he did not realize how competitive my field really is and underestimated how long it would take to get a full-time job.  Right now, I'm going to focus on my current job and enjoy some normalcy in my life.  It will be nice to focus on my life with T~, make wedding plans and slow down to enjoy life's simple pleasures.  I will accept the peace in my life and the other things will come in time.  I will keep hoping that the things in my daydreams will come in time.  And I will keep reminding myself to be thankful for the blessings in my life.

Then, T~ and I got to get away for a long weekend to go to Gen Con, a gaming convention, where I got to enjoy trying new board games.  It was nice to spend time with T~'s friends, too.  And it was nice to explore more of Indianapolis and be away to relax.  We both needed it and I hope we can plan for more time away soon, even if it is for a weekend.

And finally, between all of this running around, T~ and I decided to look into a new apartment with our lease being up in September.  We have been packing and doing all of the stuff that goes along with moving while trying to keep it loose in case plans changed.  But, as the month wrapped up, most of the stuff that was up in the air is now more clear.  We will be moving to the other side of Orlando, which will greatly help with my commute.  We are looking forward to having our first home together where we move into it as a couple.

Work Life Balance

A large part of my career change was inspired from experiences volunteering in children's hospitals.  It is very humbling, heartfelt work and a privilege to help others in a time of need--to bring comfort, confidence or everyday living.  There were many small steps that all seemed to fall into place and fit very well with the wisdom that everything happens for a reason.  I loved teaching, but I am also blessed for this new direction and still being able to use my educational background to help children and families.


However, another benefit was that I was searching for a career that may lend itself better to work life balance for me.  Teaching is an art, and like many artists, the work does not leave you when you go home.  It is ever evolving and ideas crop up at anytime.  I loved and thrived on the creativity.  Sometimes it felt like I was ever problem solving in how to better teach children, help them figure it out and build a community, or at least that was how it was for me.  Summer was a time to recharge from the grind of the school year in its marathon style to prepare kids for the next step, the next grade level.  But, of course summer was not always "off," as there were classes to keep up on certification or the draw would come back and I would find myself doing some research or a mental homework of sorts in how the next year would be different.  I was very invested in my teaching and I cared a great deal for my students.  I always knew I would say good-bye at the end of the year.  And kids and families have a way of touching your heart.


Some people said that it would be different when I had kids of my own, that your priorities change.  Sometimes that left me with a bad feeling, like I cared too much about my work or that what I was doing wasn't really that important.  But one teacher told me, it is not that you care less about what you do, but that over time you figure out how to do it faster, be selective in your tasks and make room for your own children.  That seemed more reasonable and sensitive.


Then IF and divorce entered my life.  At the time I was substitute teaching after relocating for my former husband's work.  I was not sure how I was going to be able to continue teaching.  Going into the classroom broke my heart.  I was still very good at it, but there was a shift.  I realized that teaching was somehow integrated into my life dreams that were slipping away.  There was a hollow feeling of sorts, and that I was a shell of myself.  I almost felt like I was just going through the motions, which I was not so much really because I was very attuned and in the moment with my students.  But, everywhere I looked was a reminder of what was gone...a marriage, family and a dream of children.  I needed a change to give myself the space and time to heal.  It was difficult to imagine re-entering the regular classroom.  What if I never had a child of my own?  What would happen then?  Would teaching consume me?  I felt there was a slippery slope for me that I would risk becoming one-dimensional, single and alone with only dedication to my career as my life and that I would get lost.  Teaching is a noble profession, but I did not want to risk losing myself, my happiness and potential to expand as a person at a time in my life when I felt vulnerable.  Fortunately, I was self-aware to know that it would be easy for me to get lost in my work instead of true self-care.  Some people did not understand, but I was fortunate that I was able to go to graduate school full-time.  Many of the small pieces along the way pointed me towards my new career and I decided to take a chance.


While I am still finding my footing in my new career, I think I made the correct choice.  It is nice to be able to end the work day and not bring home additional work on a regular basis.  As with many jobs, there may be times that you bring work home.  But, it is considerably less and allows me to really spend more time with loved ones and friends.


Over the last several months, I have lost some of that work life balance.  Looking for new career opportunities and starting a new part-time job can kind of do that.  I has been frustrating for me because I want loved ones, family and joy in living to be important.  Sometimes it has felt like I have been in survivor mode and trying to take care of basic needs.  It is important, but after awhile there is a longing for normalcy--to be able to better enjoy free time, make plans for the future and just be.  It is one reason why I have not been writing as much in my blog.  I think that is understandable. 


Slowly, things are getting back on track to a degree.  I have had more to write about, too--actually a lot to write about.  But, I have not had the time to do so.  During the month of May, I kept a post for myself with a running list of things to blog.  So, that is what I have been doing during the first part of June, going back and writing the posts that I wanted to write.  I felt it was important for me to go back and add them in as a way to document my life and thoughts so they better reflected the timeline of them.  So, if you are now coming across this post and really want to catch up on my blog, I suggest you taking a look at May.  Hopefully, I can also get back some of that work life balance that I was in the process of learning when I left Pittsburgh and beginning to enjoy when I came to Florida.


More to come...

February Run Down

Time is strange.  While it feels like time just keeps flying, I also feel stuck and that things are moving slowly.  I am busy everyday but I wonder, how much am I actually accomplishing?  It is another back dated post, but I seem to want to jot down some notes so that maybe I can see some progress, movement or forward motion.

Looking for a job is a full-time job.  It is a constant cycle of researching, completing applications and following up.  There is always more.

My health is important and having insurance is a priority.  There is relief that I can get it, but it is expensive--the laws vary from state to state and there are so many variables as to who is eligible for reduced premiums.  My arm still hurts and I need care.

Emotional IF meltdown with a trifecta of triggers.

• Read an article linked from a blog about new research suggesting that the decline of egg quality is more like in the range of 33 to 37.  It means that egg decline begins earlier than 35 and that the range ends more quickly than previously thought.  It is more like dropping off a cliff.  While I know getting pregnant at 35 or after is high risk and greatly reduced, I thought there was more time in the decline.  I thought the time to be more realistic for it not happening for me would be around 40 or 42.  If the cliff is 37, then I have about six months to get pg.  And that is highly unlikely because the timing has been derailed for me.  While I am in a relationship, it is not the right time for us.  We just moved in with each other, my career is unsettled and I am unsure where I may be living in a year.  Life feels like it is on hold again in some ways.  And while the pause button has been pressed, time keeps passing and my window of opportunity gets smaller and smaller.
• This got me thinking about my age and I realized that I am older than what my mom was when my sister was born.  My mom had my sister when she was 35 and I was 11.  I look at what my parents had at my age--marriage, a house, children, career and being part of the community.  I am nowhere near that and I feel like I am just floating and drifting from space to space.  There are no roots, stability or routine.  Everything is up in the air.  While some envy the freedom of my life in having choices to make my life whatever I want, the reality is that I am limited in my choices.  The economy is really tough and I don't want to rush my relationship with T~.  Time is a limited resource.
• Then I return to those urges where I so very much want to be a mom.  And I wonder, was having a sister 11 years younger than me as close to motherhood that I am going to get?  Will I only get glimpses of it through my godchildren?  Will I only experience it through the joy I feel for my friends as they share pictures and stories about their own children?  Is it just not supposed to happen for me?

March is coming and while I am not specifically sad about the twins, I think I am feeling that undercurrent of emotion.  It has quieted down this year.  I think that I have made significant gains in my grief over the loss of adoption of them.  I think these overwhelming emotions are more related to facing the possibility that I may not ever become a mother.  Time is not out, but at some point you have to face reality--even getting ready to face that possible reality.

The twins would have been five-years-old this year, preschoolers getting ready for Kindergarten.

Bad, Bad Blogger...For Good Reason!

I have had every intention of writing other blogs, but I have been a busy lady.

1. I am in the middle of the semester with papers and projects piling up all around me. As a matter of fact, I am in the library typing this blog right now.
2. I went to San Diego for a conference for the Association for the Education of Children with Medical Needs (AECMN). It was an excellent conference and I met a lot of great people in the educational field in a children's hospital setting. And I got to visit with some of my family who live in San Diego! I really need to post about this trip and add in the pictures...so more to come on that one.
3. I am still moving/settling into my new apartment. I know, that was a month ago. I move at turtle speed. My goal is to have my pictures hung up by Thanksgiving and then I will feel more officially settled.
4. I have been making a better effort to get back into running. Got to sign up for the Turkey Trot!
5. I've been on Cloud Nine with you know who...New Guy! And it is great to feel that he is right up there with me, too. (I really should come up with another name for him in my blog...Hmmm?)

Yep, I've regressed to toddler mode and it has been about me, me, and me in this short, little post. :P

Living Up the Last of Summer--Quick Updates

I have spent time away from my blog because I have just been so crazy busy living life! And that is not such a bad reason for not having posted in a bit. But I do want to touch on a few things as August comes to a close and the school year kicks it into high gear.

1. Summer Reading Program--I pitched an idea to support literacy development for children receiving long-term care at the children's hospital. And with some continued talk, I got hired to create and implement an eight week pilot summer reading program! One part involves sharing fabulous children's literature by featuring three books each week in a read aloud/booktalk. These were done in the library at the hospital and at bedside. If the child liked the book, they got to keep it. (If it was not of their taste, then I had a stash of other books from which to choose.) The second part was to encourage the kids to spend a certain amount of time reading independently to earn fabulous, cheesy prizes. It has been an awesome job! I am basically like a book fairy. I get the kids excited to read and then surprise them with getting to keep books for free. Some of the parents have gotten just as much into listening to me read as the kids. Do not underestimate how much people of all ages love to listen to some read aloud. And it is something that I will be able to get some grad credits for some of the evaluation work that I do with it this fall!
2. Kickball--Our team was crazy good in the spring--second place in the play-offs. But then with a few roster changes this summer, our team was terrible. We won only the last game of the season. But we still rocked our bubble gum pink t-shirts and enjoyed in a ton of laughs. This season was a little more fun for me because my finger finally healed enough that I was able to be moved to playing second base instead of catcher.
3. Pool Time/Girl Time--August has gone by so quickly that I think I actually spent more time swimming in July than I did in August. But what I will say about pool time in August is that I have had some good girlfriend time there. I've enjoyed lounging around the pool and having that time to have some meaningful girl talk, both with new friends and old friends. It is like the water just has a way of freeing you, to let you be more open for things to drift out. It is then that you realize you are caught up in something deeper than you might have expected and learn something new about the other person. And I have had some great girl time away from the pool, too. I am just so happy to be blessed with some great friendships. The best times are when you walk away feeling that rich connection and you just feel so good about yourself. It feels awesome when you know that friendship is being reciprocated and that you are able to give back to your friend.
4. New Guy--Yep, we're still dating and I am enjoying that! We have been spending more time together and he makes me smile. It is the little things that tickle me and really start to add up. And it is fun to know that you are being thought of during the moments away. It is not to say that we haven't had a few ups and downs, but I think we make an effort to talk about things openly and honestly. My favorite times are the trips to Home Depot, walking around in his neighborhood of the city--Little Italy, and cooking together. Life still feels like being on an adventure with him (i.e. caught my first trout last weekend) and he has a touch of a romantic in him that I love to observe in his ways.
5. Fall Classes at Pitt Begin--This time around I will be a full-time student! I am excited and nervous. But when I start to get nervous, I just focus on what a wonderful opportunity I have at hand and to take it one step at a time. I really love what I am studying and grad school is so much more fulfilling, deeper, and richer than undergrad. I think having time and experience from which to draw upon make the classes more meaningful. I just really want to make the most of my experience while I am back at school.

I know there is more and I know there is a greater depth that some of these things deserve. But for now, this is what I have. I also want to thank a friend who gave me some good advise in that I don't have to publish all of my posts and that some can just be for me. I am really glad that I did that because sometimes it is just about getting the thoughts out of your head so that you can look at them better. And in another blog, I carefully read some good advise to be mindful of respecting other people who may appear in my blog so as not to over share about them. Some things need to be kept to myself, both out of respect and for a little mystery.

I wonder what the fall will bring. I have not wanted summer to end, but I think I am in a better place to accept some of the changes and to remind myself to go with the flow.