Birthday Month

This year, my birthday was good.  And that made me feel great!  No feelings of doom or glum or anticipatory sadness.  It started as a pretty regular day.  Got to talk to my Mom and Dad on the phone.  Later, A~ was going to take me out to dinner or make me a fancy dinner, but my arm felt sore from a doctor's appointment and I wasn't really feeling it.  Instead, we went grocery shopping together and meandered through the aisles.  Picked out a fancy slice of cake from the bakery case and a bottle of wine.  He made me macaroni and cheese, and we curled up on the couch and watched an episode of Call the Midwife.  It was simple and lovely.

Microblog Mondays

Full House

A couple of months ago, T~ and I were doing a couple of test runs using Facetime on his iPad.  He was letting me borrow it for an interview.  At first we tried his older brother and sister-in-law with their two children, but they were not picking up our call.  They often Facetime with T~'s mom so he knew they had an account.  No luck.

Then, we tried T~'s younger brother and sister-in-law.  They answered the call and said they would help out.  After we got it set up and connected on Facetime, T~ asked his brother how he was doing.  He gave a vague answer and they both seemed quiet and almost kind of shy.  Knowing his brother, T~ softly teased and asked his brother again and called him out on that something was up and to just say it.  Looking back at his wife who was sitting beside him, they seemed to exchange looks.  She smiled and he seemed somewhat in disbelief and then he said they were going to be having a baby.

We congratulated them and they were happy.  They asked us not to tell anyone yet because the news was still new.  They had been TTC for about two years and were in the process of considering possible IVF treatments when they naturally got PG.

T~ and I suspect that they had just found out.  The timing of the news, the EDD and their reaction during the conversation.  Plus, they asked us not to say anything.  It felt like such a private moment between them that we just happened upon.  It was one of those rare intimate moments that you witness between a couple and you feel like an observer.  It is beautiful, but you feel a little awkward having witnessed it and out of respect for their privacy.

After our brief conversation and learning of their news, T~ and I said our good-byes.  We looked at each other barely taking it all in when T~'s older brother suddenly called on Facetime.  Still in shock of his younger brother's news, we fumbled through the conversation with his whole family and their mother, who was visiting.

Glad that we had kept our word about the news and once the Facetiming was finished, T~ asked me how I was feeling.  It was very kind and thoughtful of him to ask.  He didn't want to see me hurt.  But, I wasn't.  T~'s younger brother and sister-in-law knew that I experienced IF during my previous marriage.  I told T~ that news of babies can affect me differently.  Most times when I hear about a couple that has been TTC, I do feel happy for them without hesitation.  I think it does not make me sad because I can relate to the pain they have gone through to get that BFP.  They appreciate the miracle of conceiving a child.

So, fast forward to the present where T's younger brother and sister-in-law have already shared the news with their families...and why I can post about this story now.  In the sharing of their news, they also made a video and posted it on Facebook and YouTube.

T~ was excited to share the video with me, proud future uncle to his younger brother's child.  We watched it together and it was beautiful and touching.  And not even halfway through I started to cry.  T~ said he was sorry that he showed me the video and felt he had been thoughtless in that it did not cross his mind how I would feel.  I told him not to apologize, but I appreciated his concern.  I told him I was glad he showed me the video--he was being a proud uncle-to-be and sharing his life with me.  I would not want him to hide that.  I told T~ that it was a combination of happy tears and sad tears because I could relate to so much of it.  But, there are more happy tears than sad ones.  And this will not be the first or the last time that I will probably cry.  I told T~ that it is okay.  I would rather share in his life, his happiness.  I think my reaction may have helped him understand on another level just how big of a deal it can be to have a child.  It truly is a blessing.

The video took my breath away.  It really is beautiful and I am happy for them with all of my heart.  At the end of it, I had a feeling of yay, you did it!

Click here for the link.

November Guys

Another picture text came my way from my Mom and it was bitter sweet.  I know it is my family's way of including me, especially living further away and not getting to be part of family gatherings.  And I hate to admit it and it is one reason why it has taken me so long to write about it.  It stings and hurts on multiple levels.  I wish it wasn't so.  I really do.  I think I was trying not to let it bother me.  But the harder I try, the more it creeps back and hurts more.

One of my godsons celebrated his birthday in November.  It is also the same month of my Dad's birthday.  Little J~ is a guy's guy and loves being around his male relatives.  My mom gets a kick out of how much he enjoys my dad and buddies up with him.  In the picture, Little J~ was sitting on my Dad's lap playing an arcade game at Chuck E. Cheese.  My first thought was, how sweet.  Which, I guess is an improvement.  But, it was quickly followed by a piercing sadness.

Then my dad sent a picture text of Big J~ and Little J~ where they both had enormous grins.  It is a rare sight with my cousin because he is such a serious guy and his little boy doesn't fall far from the tree on that one.  That picture made me smile.  It wasn't as hard.  And I was happy for them, more wholly in that moment.

I continue to get better at seeing people in pictures with their children.  But it was hard to see one with Little J~ with my dad.  I want so much for that little boy to be my son sitting on my dad's lap.  I want to be the one to bring my parents joy with grandchildren.  Durring times like these, I briefly ask myself, why can't that be me?

It also doesn't seem to be getting any easier because as my parents get older, it is just another reminder that time is limited.  My mom recently shared that my dad is thinking about retiring next year.  I don't want him to retire.  It just really means he is getting older and I don't want to accept that.  It just doesn't seem fair.  But life is not fair as it keeps painfully reminding me.

All of this probably sounds selfish, but I cannot entirely help it.  I try to rise above.  But sometimes you have to admit those ugly feelings to yourself.  Otherwise, they just eat you up and that is not good.  I guess it goes back to the idea that feelings are not bad, it is what you do with them.  So, I keep it to myself.  And I remind myself to be thankful that my parents get to have these kinds of experiences.  And it is good for my cousin and my godson because Big J~'s parents each passed away awhile ago and never met there grandchildren.  It is a blessing for all to be there for each other to give support and share their love in other ways that cannot be.

Today WAS Better

I know my last post was down right depressing.  It was raw and felt so good once I hit publish.  Sometimes I think the anticipation of something can be almost worse than the actual thing.  I had been trying so hard not to let myself get so upset, to not go near what I was really thinking and to try to be brave.  Sometimes I am just so tired of feeling all of those feelings or knowing that they are just waiting to spill over.

But, today was a better day.  I had a presentation to give this afternoon at work (my very first!), so I think that helped to focus my mind elsewhere and keep me distracted.  And when I was done, it felt really good.  I was proud of myself.  After I thanked the group for participating and sharing their stories, they sang happy birthday to me.

It was a good day because I got to enjoy the extra pumpkin chip cookies that I made for my presentation.  Yesterday, a new friend made me birthday dinner.  I was surrounded with love from family and friends with birthday wishes with cards, texts, facebook messages and phone calls.  My mom sent me a birthday present in the mail with my usual and favorite birthday gift--a new fall sweater (a light one since I am in Florida now).  I am blessed to have so many people who care about me and want good things for me in my life.  And my heart is with them, too, wanting nothing but the very best for them.

I know this post is cheesy.  But sometimes it is important to recognize the good--especially when you are more ready to embrace it again.  Hopefully, each day gets better.

Beads Strung with Care

As I look over at the necklace sitting on my dresser, it reminds me of a wonderful visit with my friend Christine near my hometown. A few weeks ago, I went home to spend some time with my parents before the fall semester began. And since I was in the neighborhood, I asked my friend if she would be up for a visit since I hadn't seen her since Christmas.

She works part-time from home and has two children, a four-year-old girl and a two-year-old boy, and expecting one on the way. We hung out with her kids as we talked. Her daughter asked a few times if she could take out the beading kit she got for her birthday. After fair warning that she would have to share with her brother, she raced upstairs to get the kit and Chris got a memory game for her son to play with as we sat around the coffee table.

We continued our conversation, stringing necklaces with Chris's kids (She was of course carefully supervising her kids with the small pieces and helping when necessary.). I made her daughter a necklace as she worked on a bracelet. For her second project, she made me a necklace. Chris and I helped her to sound out the letters in my name and then she added more beads as she saw fit. When her daughter was almost done, she asked me if I would mind having an orange bead. I said of course not. Chris asked her why the question about the orange bead. Her response, "Well, orange is a boy color." Chris and I had to laugh and then Chris told her that orange can be a boy color or a girl color. She asked her daughter about one of the dresses she has in her closet that is orange to dispel the myth. Her daughter also invited me to come back and visit at Christmastime so that I could go with them to Pettiti's Garden Center and see the talking tree.

Chris's son was a little slow to warm up because it takes him a little while to wake up from his nap to be ready to play. But as the afternoon continued, he joined in the play in helping his mom to string beads for a bracelet. He also enjoyed toting around his favorite garbage truck and arranging the memory picture cards.

Then as the weekend was approaching, I just kept getting a feeling like I should give Chris a call. I once read that if you keep thinking about a person, then you should get in touch with them. Then I got an email from my friend happily announcing the birth of her third child, a baby girl. (Long story short--she left her cell phone at home in the mix of going to the hospital.) I took that as a sign that I should call her the next day and was only expecting to leave a voicemail to tell her my congratulations. As it turns out, Chris picked up the call and was happy to talk because her newborn was sleeping, her husband was at home with the two other kids. At the moment, she was a bit bored sitting in the hospital and welcomed the call and we are gabbers, so it worked out well.

After Chris told me about her birth story and how the rest of the hospital visit was going, I decided to share with her how much our last visit meant to me. I started to get a little choked up and she asked if I was okay. I told her that it was happy tears and thanked her for sharing her time with me and also spending it with her children. I was grateful for sharing in a lovely, carefree afternoon. I was very touched with her daughter's kindness in giving me the necklace and her kids were very sweet in how they played with each other. Chris said you're welcome and thanked me. She said that her kids were looking forward to me coming all day. And whenever they see a map that has Pittsburgh labeled on it, they say, "Pittsburgh, that is where Jamie is!" It's fun and meaningful to be seen as someone special in the eyes of a child.

From a Tiny Seed, Come Big Dreams

I have some big news, some really big news! After volunteering at the hospital and steadily having conversations with a few people here and there, something big for me has evolved. My proposal for a pilot summer reading program has been accepted!!! It will be an eight week project and it is related to my graduate studies. It will be a great experience and falls right in line with what I will need to do for my final project to complete my program. If all goes well, this could be really fantastic for me!

And thinking on it, the whole progression puts me back to when I was in some of my darkest moments in my life, both on the heels of facing infertility and soon after in coping with my divorce. I had volunteered at other hospitals and I was looking forward to continuing it once I settled in Pennsylvania. I have heard from several sources that when you are feeling down and at your worst, sometimes that is the best time to give back. It helped to take the focus off of myself and allowed me to put my energy towards making someone's life better. It was a much needed break from outside of my own head and to feel purposeful. I did not realize it until I was able to step back. As the old hospital was closing and the new one was opening, everyone was invited to write on the walls in the hospital--patients, families, nurses, doctors, staff, and volunteers. My message reflecting my experience was deeply personal and at that moment I felt forever grateful for having an outlet from my pain. And I continue to feel grateful.

It was also around the time when I was reading Joel Osteen's book, Your Best Life Now: 7 Steps to Living at Your Full Potential. One thing that was mentioned in the book is the importance of planting little seeds. It is when you start doing good in whatever form and continue to cultivate it, good and unexpected things can happen. And that is exactly how this whole proposal came to be. About two and a half years ago I started volunteering at the hospital. I felt very motivated to speak up and share from my heart in promoting education for children receiving long-term care. I formed some wonderful relationships with people with genuine energy, passion, and vision. My time at the hospital also lead me to my current professional development path in working towards my Master's. And now I am blessed with an opportunity to promote my passions in literacy, tie it into my studies in applied developmental psychology, and expand my experiences at the hospital.

Two and a half years ago I felt so lost and broken. My identity continued to tumble and crash. As I was trying to figure out how I was going to put my life back together and move forward, I was blessed that my ex was flexible to allow me to continue my volunteer work and backhandedly supported my thoughts on going back to school. I say this because I don't think he thought I could really get into graduate school. His words were the right thing to say, but they were empty and hollow. He told me with a quiet sigh, "Jamie, you don't have to climb mountains." He thought my efforts to try to improve the school program and to promote educational rights of hospitalized children was too big for me. Glad to say he was wrong!

So now the real work begins! I am excited and nervous and in awe. It will be a lot to do, but so worth it. I want to make every moment count. I have a post-it from my adviser, who is ridiculously awesome, and it has become my new mantra.

GET TO WORK--You aren't being paid to believe in the power of your dreams.

It is awesome to have dreams. It is even better when you can make them happen.