In-Person Parent Time

There is a guy, Tim Urban, who writes a blog called Wait But Why.  The topics of the posts can be a bit all over the place, but many are an interesting read.  Sometimes when he kind of gets more introspective, I kind of feel like he is walking around in my head.  Yes, I think and worry about those things, too!

One thing that I probably spend too much time worrying about is having the opportunity to spend time with my parents.  Some of it probably has to do with experiencing several significant deaths at an early age.  Some of it likely has to do with IF as it brings an awareness of the fragility of our being.  And with currently being childless, I don't have kids to distract me from thinking about these particular big life thoughts.  It is not to say people with children are not deep thinkers or share similar thoughts, I just have more time to dwell on them.  Finally, some of it may be because I'm a sensitive, old soul who enjoys deep meaningful relationships and favors quality over quantity.  Parents are pretty significant people in our lives.  It freaks me out to acknowledge that my time with them is limited.

Some may dismiss my worries because they say we are all getting older and it is life that we will not have our parents forever.  True.  But does it not bother you?

Tim Urban does a very nice job of quantifying this concern of mine.  In fact, he has a mathematical, pictorial representation.  He also discusses in-person parent time.  You can read his blog here.

As I was reading his blog, I vacillated between excited appreciation and increasing fear.  It was a relief to read that someone else thinks about this kind of stuff while trying not to rev up feelings of anxiety.  He gets close to the edge of the runaway train effect.  However, he closes on an important message.  Proximity, priorities and quality matter.

I am thankful to have moved back to Ohio.  I feel a bit more at ease than when I lived in other places.  It feels very good after visiting them this past weekend just because I had the time.  Big fan of unstructured time.

Summer Highlights

Much has happened this summer and it will continue to be busy until things settle down in the fall.  Here are some highlights:

• New job is going well.  The work I do makes me happy and I like the people.
• T~ got a job offer and will be joining me next week!
• Temporary housing has been tough and a blessing.  There was a lot to finangle before my move to get things set up for my new job and finding a place to live.  I also had to rush to do some pre-packing before hitting the road.  Although, my tetrising skills came in handy with fitting most of what I needed for two months in my car.  The rest was brought with strategic flights with checked baggage.  My wedding dress came with me in one of my bags for carry on luggage!  I had thoughts of Ben Stiller trying to hug his bag and not gate check it like in the movie, Meet the Patents.  I also do not like feeling unsettled with so much up in the air.  But, I am rolling with it and floating along.  However, living in temporary housing gives me pause from moving to focus on my new job without having to settle into a new home.  Cooking and cleaning are a minimum with a small space.  The commute is short.  It was planned and I just keep telling myself it will all fall into place.
• T~ and I planned two trips to see each other while being apart during the transition.  He came to visit me for a long weekend.  We went to a gaming convention for a day and spent time by the pool.  I went back to Florida for a weekend and got to go with him to his farewell party hosted by his co-workers.  It is easy to take for granted the time apart as another thing on a checklist and chalk it up to it will all be alright.  But, spending time together is so important, to feel each other's touch and hear each other laugh and to talk.  Intimacy is a delicate thing to nurture.
• With me being in Ohio and T~ being in Florida, I have taken advantage of visiting with my family and friends.  I am grateful to have this time with them and just hang out.  There is no rush of holidays or the feeling of trying to cram it all into one visit.  We cooked out on the grill, ate outside and made smores.  Went to Cleveland to go to the flea market, the Westside Market and some local restaurants.  Flipped through some family photos and sorting through things from my childhood.  To just be is wonderful.
• Got to see my brother on my original drive up to Ohio.  He lives in North Carolina, so it was a good stopping point.  Glad to spend some time with him and hope I can plan another trip soon.  The weather will be great for biking.
• Wedding stuff is plugging along.  Invitations got lost in the mail.  Have to now pick them up from my parents' house.  T~ picked out his tuxedo and for the groomsmen.  Bridesmaids are nearly done getting their dresses.  My sister fell off her bike, broke her collarbone and had surgery.  So, that put a delay in shopping.  But, more importantly she is doing better and will have full movement in her arm.  Rings should be ready soon.  T~ is hoping to take them with him before he leaves Orlando.
• T~ and I will camp out in our new apartment until the rest of our stuff arrives.  Yay for making deals with it being the off season for moving!

That kind of wraps things up.  A sprinkling of things to remember the summer before it becomes a blur.  Cannot wait for T~ to come home!

The Heart of it All

It was really good to be home for Thanksgiving this year.  My fiance and I went to Ohio to visit our families.  We had six days, and we spent the first half with my family and the second half with his.  It was really nice because T~ got to meet more of my friends.  My brother surprised everyone by dropping in for the holiday, traveling up from North Carolina.  My parents' reaction was priceless.  T~ and I looked at wedding venues, too.  While it was very full, it still felt unhurried and with quality time with those we love.

I really miss living in Ohio.  I miss home.  The trip was just further confirmation for me that I want to move back.  Fortunately, T~ would also like to move back to Ohio.  It fits us both well.  I want to be closer to our families...a car ride verses a plane ride...to be able to spend time with them for holidays and everyday life.  I feel like I am missing out on so much!

This has been the year that has filled me with more urgency and want to spend more time with my family and closest friends.  I've always enjoyed spending time with them, but time is precious and limited.  I feel a greater need to get home.  Priorities are shifting and I may not have the patience or the time for my career to catch up.  Plus, if I want a chance of trying for a family of my own, time is running out.  I may have to chose, but hopefully something will work in my favor soon.  A friend of mine said I was nesting.  I am just so thankful to have T~ in my life and that we are in it together.

It Became Real When I Called My Mom

"No, Mom," I calmly paused to let the words be taken in and to allow myself to take a patient breath. "My body cannot naturally carry a child.  I should be able to get pregnant, but my body does not produce enough of the right hormone to sustain a pregnancy."

And then my mom sobbed into the phone and the biting sadness of it finally felt real.

There have been times in my life when I wanted to cry, but it just would not come out.  It could have been shock, denial or just plain stuck deep within me.  But I know that pause within myself and know it is only a matter of time before it all comes tumbling out.  And when it does, there is some relief in the release.

It was in May when it was seriously brought to my attention that there could be another reason why it was taking so long for my arm to heal from its injury in September.  It seemed that I had frozen shoulder, which usually occurs in older women and my medical providers were confused because I am younger than the typical onset age for such slowed healing and that I am in good shape and exercise regularly.  It was narrowed down to three possibilities--diabetes, early menopause or hypothyroidism.  So, I did some follow-up with an endocrinologist and my Ob/Gyn in late May and early June.  

Thankfully it is not diabetes or early menopause.  However, I have borderline hypothyroidism.  Right now I do not need medication to treat it as far as daily living goes.  But, the endocrinologist's nurse practitioner warned that if I wanted to get pregnant, I should come in to start medication otherwise I greatly risk losing the baby.  She was getting ready to gently, but firmly, lecture me on why it is important to take this medical advisement into consideration and that the risk is real.  I kindly interrupted her and shared briefly about my past experiences with IF.  While in the past it was related to my previous spouse's health and not mine, I was fully appreciative of the seriousness of the situation.  She paused and backed off some and said usually people do not really get it and she is trying to protect them from getting hurt because they often come in for the medication once they find out they are pregnant, but by then it is often too late to sustain the pregnancy.  She was doing her job.  I'm just glad that she listened to me.

Even though this seems to be a medically manageable situation and there could be worse news, it still has its own heaviness and sadness.  Some of the spontaneity of trying to have a baby feels lost.  If or when that time comes, it will not be as easy as just kind of going for it.  It will have to be planned, an appointment scheduled and then a follow-up before really trying.  It is also another obstacle on top of my age.  It's not turn my world upside down kind of news.  It more like the deflating of a balloon.  

And it is important for me to be able to recognize that feeling.  Just give me a moment.  I am also a little sad because things have been going well with T~ and me.  As I have been allowing myself to daydream about a possible future together, part of that has included the possibility of a child.  Just as I feel like I'm getting to a place in my life that the possibility of having my own family could maybe happen, this news shakes that up.  A tremor, not an earthquake, but still unsettling in its own way.  As the years tick by, I've almost been somewhat preparing myself to accept if I am not to have a child how to have happiness and fulfillment in my life as it is.  Then as things have been unfolding with T~, the dreams of a child, a family awaken again.  Straddling these two worlds is not easy.  And this recent news with my health has a bit of a dampening effect.

However, on the flip side of this news, if I were to try to have a child, at least I can be proactive about it.  Having this information will save some heartache had I been trying and not been successful.  And of the diagnoses out there, this one seems to be a bit more manageable...maybe, I have not tried or done the research, but that is what I am hoping.  Also, there are no antibodies, meaning that I had always had this condition or was predisposed to it.  Sometimes you can not have it, but if a parent does, then your body will create antibodies, which will eventually turn and attack your thyroid and then you develop hypothyroidism.  Long story short, for me I find some comfort knowing this has always been present and it is not like if I had tried getting pregnant when I was younger that would have changed things too much.  I would have been angry if I learned that I could have become pregnant had I not been with my previous spouse for so long.  He made a lot of hurtful claims at the end of our relationship that he was never serious about the marriage and really did not care about having children.

But most of all, I am thankful that I could talk to T~ about it.  We have had conversations in the past about not taking either of our fertility for granted.  He remains positive and said that he is open to adoption, as he has said in the past.  I truly believe him and I think T~ is the kind of man who could love any child and call them one of his own.  As T~ has said before and continues to say it, love is what makes a family.

Leading into Mother's Day

As the years pass, Mother's Day does get easier for me.  I am still in that space in my life that a child could be a possibility.  The acute pain is not as it was when I was actively trying to be a mother.  The sorrow is more distant, somewhat of denial and somewhat of acceptance.

However, it feel like there is a greater presence in advertising for Mother's Day during the week leading into it this year.  I could be wrong.  But, there seems to be more news stories, advertisements on web pages, FB memes and pictures of Mother's Day teas.  My plan is to avoid social media and the internet on Mother's Day, but I am finding myself having to ramp back earlier because the celebrating feels like it is extending into a week.  It is good for people to express true gratitude for their moms.  I just have mixed feelings.  I am trying to balance protecting myself and not hiding from the world.  It seems silly, selfish and sad to feel pain from expressions of love.  I want to be happy for others, but I also don't want it all so much in my face.

I had a few tears when I picked out the card for my mom this year.  She has been so supportive, loving and patient and I am so grateful for so wholly feeling her love.  As the years pass, I become increasingly aware of my parents' mortality.  They have some health issues, but they are managed for now.  I cannot help but think that time is limited.  It is limited just as much for me as much as it is for them, or more.  If I ever get to a place of motherhood, will they be able to enjoy it?  It is a question that lingers in my mind, especially as I see friends who are experiencing ill health and death with their parents.