August Nightmares

August is the anniversary month of my previous marriage.  Had we stayed together, we would have been together for more years than apart this year.  Funny how the math goes that you can hover so long and so close before reaching that tipping point.  It is like one of those age problems from Alegebra I.  When we were happy, we used to marvel at how much of our life we spent together and acknowledged that we really grew up together having been college sweethearts.  We were young and so much happened during those years.

Then suddenly, he left.

August has been a tough month for me after that part of my life was cleaved away.  The first year was awful...raw.  I was thankful for a kind friend's phone call.  I tend to try not to dwell on specific dates, even if they are etched in your brain.  I am more aware of the general season of those memories as they run in the background of my mind, getting further in the distance.  It has gotten easier over time, especially with wanting to let go...as sad as that is, but neccessary.  This year was the first that the day came and went and consciously it didn't seem to bother me.  The undercurrent of sadness and malaise seemed a scant phantom.

However, I had the most terrible nightmares for a better part of the month.  And he was in most of those dreams, leaving me feeling unrested, upset and feeling used.  In a few of the dreams, I missed him and felt sad.  It was hard to shake the feelings after waking up.  At the time, I didn't connect the dots because the day had passed and I thought I was fine.  But, somewhere deep I am still letting go.

All of the dreams kind of made me worry about my relationship with T~.  I think it is all of the wedding stuff and how people say you only get married once and the person you marry should be your best friend.  Somehow it hurts.  Somehow there is guilt.  I once married a person who I felt was my best friend and intended only to be with him.  (Cue Don't Speak by Gwen Stefani, No Doubt.)  

I feel badly that T~ cannot be my first and only spouse.  I recoil when people make references to us being best friends.  I cringe when he says it.  My visceral reaction sickens me and I feel awful.  I don't want to marry a "best friend," after the last one.  But, would a best friend ever treat you like garbage with so little regard?  Can true friendships implode, deteriorate or devolve in such ugly ways?  Maybe he wasn't a friend in the first place?  Betrayal is so insidious.  It is difficult to believe that someone you loved and whom you thought loved you could actively make such choices.  It wasn't an accident or unintentional.  It was selfish, grossly selfish.  That is the hard part, when trust and respect are broken so horribly.

I know T~ is his own person...a wonderfully loving, kind and intuitive person.  I'm just having difficulty separating the term "best friend" from my past experience.  He either was never really my friend or he was, but then stopped somewhere along the way.

So, I try to reframe it by thinking about children giving each other friendship necklaces, the ones usually divided up into halves.  Kids will often give these kinds of necklaces to more than one person.  It is kind of like you are only supposed to have one best friend, but the secret is that you can have lots of best friends.  It can be flexible due to context and purpose of that friendship.  I think the important part is to let go of "the one and only" part.  It somehow makes it feel like I didn't use up my only shot.  It makes room for more.  It makes room for T~.

Once I put it all together, the dreams stopped and I have been more at ease.  It may or may not look like progress, but to me it is.  I am glad that I am not actively dwelling on that past relationship.  As a friend once told me, the ending of a relationship is like a perspective painting where the road keeps getting smaller and smaller as it meets the horizon.  That road will always be on my map, but that part of my life is near that dot in the distance.  T~ and I are together in the foreground, in the present.  I'm ready and excited about our adventure!

Car Drama

So, much has been settled from my divorce.  The only legal thing that has tied us together has been my car.  Even though we agreed the car would be mine, it still had to remain in both of our names because there were still payments left on it.  Talk about a pain in the butt when I moved to Florida and had to get a new title and registration.  However, once the car was paid off, it would be transferred to solely me.

Car was paid off in May.  I started looking into the details of the new title ahead of time so I would be prepared.  I waited for the pay off letter to email my prior spouse so there was proof no money was owed on it.  The process should have been very simple because it was an electronic title.  But, no.  He had to go and complicate things and lie about it!

I made two trips to the DMV.  And there were additional costs because he had the title printed and mailed to him.  He was caught in his lie of saying he was looking into it when the DMV shared with me the date he requested the paper title to be printed.  Fortunately, I had options.  Since I had legal documentation that the car was mine and a power of attorney document for the car from my prior out of state registering process, they could wait 30 days and consider that the paper title was "lost."  Then, I could request a new one to be printed and get it all switched over to me.  Or he could sign and appropriately mark the box on the paper title and send it to me.  He lied again about putting it in the mail, which I called him out on it.  But, either way I was returning to the DMV and going to get my car.  Fortunately, it came in the mail the day before I went to the DMV.  So, while the electronic title would have been the cheapest and fastest route, it would have been most expensive to go the title "lost" route.

Why?!  Why complicate things when you were the one to so quickly want me out of your life?  I was proud of myself for keeping the email communications brief and to the point.  I initially believed him when he said he was still looking into the details.  My blood wanted to boil when the lady at the DMV told me he had already requested a paper title and that it had been mailed to him about three weeks ago.  Really?!  You are "looking into things?"  I was seriously concerned he was going to try to take my car.

Then once it was all signed and done, I felt a little sad and almost teared up.  I took a deep breath and put it behind me at the DMV.  The sadness surprised me.  I figured that would come with the annulment, not a car.  But maybe it was because he hasn't participated in the annulment process and has just ignored it (making  it even longer), and that the car was the last thing we had reason to communicate.  I thought I would have felt relief.

But I didn't, just sad.  Not a sad that I miss him.  Not a sad that this would be the last time to "speak" to each other (if you count email).  Not a sad that I wanted him back.

Maybe a sad for that distant loss.  Maybe sad for a good-bye that was never said.  Maybe a sad to honor what had once been cherished, loved and important.

The Betweens

My blog is in a state of flux.  Sometimes I question if I have more to write, but then a post comes to mind and it goes on the page.  It sometimes feels like a trickle.  It is not so much that I am dealing with immediate IF issues.  I have used this space to process and grieve what once was my battle with IF.  Now it feels like I am grappling with the left over reverberation, such as how this has all impacted my parents and family.  They have been marked and hurt by the process and sometimes hurt for me in what could have been.  It is sometimes unspoken and more with a knowing sigh or glance.  Pandora's box has been opened and there is no going back to how it was before IF invaded our lives.  It has left a hole and there is no undoing of that want and dream of a child my own.  That chapter in my life has closed and the loss is still felt.

But, there are new chapters yet to be written and a child could still be a possibility.  There is a chance that a new dream of a new child could be born.  However, until that time, I am in a space of in between where I must find a way to live in the present.

And it is in this space of in between that I am trying to find peace and happiness and freedom.

So, where do I look for support?  It is a really, really small niche in the IF community.  As of yet, I have only really found two other blogs where a person was once married and dealing with IF and got divorced and were still of an age to be able to conceive a child potentially.  One stopped her blog shortly thereafter and the other remarried, but then her life quickly took a turn as she faced breast cancer.  This second blog has been very validating for me in a retrospective kind of way before the writer learned of her illness.  And she continues to be inspiring in framing what is most important in life.  Her situation made her have to get off the IF roller coaster.  Then how she documented her journey put things in a different perspective.  Her blog also helped me through my mom's treatments for breast cancer as the blogger was a few steps ahead of my mom in her treatments and it kind of prepared me for what was next.  lt helped me to focus on my current blessings and helped me find clarity in prioritizing what I want in my life.

So, I continue to look for ways to help me deal with the current childlessness in my life because if I do not, I may get stuck in my sadness and grief.  I need to find a way to live my life now and be happy.  The places I find myself more so lately are the blogs of those living childfree.  Perhaps there is something for me to learn from them to help me manage during this chapter in my life.  It is not that I am giving up hope on having a child, just trying to find a way to peaceably live until it may be time to dream that dream.

November Guys

Another picture text came my way from my Mom and it was bitter sweet.  I know it is my family's way of including me, especially living further away and not getting to be part of family gatherings.  And I hate to admit it and it is one reason why it has taken me so long to write about it.  It stings and hurts on multiple levels.  I wish it wasn't so.  I really do.  I think I was trying not to let it bother me.  But the harder I try, the more it creeps back and hurts more.

One of my godsons celebrated his birthday in November.  It is also the same month of my Dad's birthday.  Little J~ is a guy's guy and loves being around his male relatives.  My mom gets a kick out of how much he enjoys my dad and buddies up with him.  In the picture, Little J~ was sitting on my Dad's lap playing an arcade game at Chuck E. Cheese.  My first thought was, how sweet.  Which, I guess is an improvement.  But, it was quickly followed by a piercing sadness.

Then my dad sent a picture text of Big J~ and Little J~ where they both had enormous grins.  It is a rare sight with my cousin because he is such a serious guy and his little boy doesn't fall far from the tree on that one.  That picture made me smile.  It wasn't as hard.  And I was happy for them, more wholly in that moment.

I continue to get better at seeing people in pictures with their children.  But it was hard to see one with Little J~ with my dad.  I want so much for that little boy to be my son sitting on my dad's lap.  I want to be the one to bring my parents joy with grandchildren.  Durring times like these, I briefly ask myself, why can't that be me?

It also doesn't seem to be getting any easier because as my parents get older, it is just another reminder that time is limited.  My mom recently shared that my dad is thinking about retiring next year.  I don't want him to retire.  It just really means he is getting older and I don't want to accept that.  It just doesn't seem fair.  But life is not fair as it keeps painfully reminding me.

All of this probably sounds selfish, but I cannot entirely help it.  I try to rise above.  But sometimes you have to admit those ugly feelings to yourself.  Otherwise, they just eat you up and that is not good.  I guess it goes back to the idea that feelings are not bad, it is what you do with them.  So, I keep it to myself.  And I remind myself to be thankful that my parents get to have these kinds of experiences.  And it is good for my cousin and my godson because Big J~'s parents each passed away awhile ago and never met there grandchildren.  It is a blessing for all to be there for each other to give support and share their love in other ways that cannot be.

A Yellow Jacket

Holidays are tough for me and Mother's Day is coming.  Sometimes I can feel very lonely, whether it is a day spent by myself because my family is far away or if it a day spent in a room full of people--even people I love.  Sometimes holidays can feel like a reminder of what was lost in terms of hopes and dreams--for myself and my parents.  There can be sense of failure.

Last summer before I moved from Pittsburgh, I spent time purging to lighten the load to pack.  Overall, it felt really good and freeing.  There was a bunch of stuff that I gave to my mom to pass along to my goddaughter.  I figured she would appreciate it more than sitting in my closet or on a shelf collecting dust.  It felt good.

Then a few weeks ago my mom forwarded me a picture of my godchild, O~.  She was wearing my yellow spring jacket that I had as a small child.  My mom explained that when my cousins came for Easter, the girls wanted to go outside, but it had grown chilly and O~ didn't bring a coat.  So, my mom went into the closet and found the jacket and offered it to her to wear.  It fit her well and she wore it home.  In fact, she enjoyed the coat so much, my mom said she could keep wearing it.  The picture my mom sent over the phone was of O~ and LJ going for a walk in the woods in a park near their home.

But somehow this picture did not elicit the same feelings of when I gave O~ the Teacher Barbie and children's books.  My heart was sad, and then I felt guilty.  My mom had always said that she saved some of my old clothes because she thought that when I had children that maybe they could wear some of them.  What was once something I imagined would be for my children, was now being worn by someone else's child.  And I cried.  But, I did not let my mom know.  I didn't have the heart to tell her.  She was so excited and happy to share that O~ loved the coat and was so proud to be wearing it.

I mean, I had given pause in the summer when I gave my mom some of my stuff to give to O~, but that stuff didn't seem to have as much meaning.  The children's books were kind of a helpful reduction in the mass of books I had collected for my classroom library.  In fact, I told my mom to share with my cousins that if there were any books that they didn't really like, to just give them away.  The Teacher Barbie was something A~ gave to me as a Christmas present when we were in undergrad together.  I went back and forth on that one.  It spoke to my roots in teaching, but I kept thinking about him when I saw it.  I figured O~ would have more fun playing with it. 

But, what I had held back was a little pearl necklace.  I don't remember how old I was when my parents gave it to me, but I do remember feeling like it was one of my first real pieces of jewelry.  It is a kid's version and not real, but it was close enough as a kid.  I went back and forth.  Why should it just sit in a jewelry box when O~ could probably enjoy it?  But the nagging thought was, what if I have a little girl someday and I want to give it to her?  Would I regret giving it to O~?  If I gave it to her, would that be giving up on my dream of being a mother?  Would I be giving something away in haste and later have regret?

Somehow the yellow jacket had more meaning for me, too.  I think it goes back to how items of clothing can carry so much more meaning for some people.  And even though the jacket was mine as a child, was it mine to give away?  This jacket really belongs to my mom and it is really for her to decide in some ways, I think, maybe.  So if that is the case, what does that mean?  Has my mom given up the dream that I will have a child someday?  Has my mom given up the dream that she will have a grandchild?  I thought that coat was special.  Maybe it doesn't carry as much meaning as I thought it did for my mom?  Or maybe her intent is that O~ can borrow it and then return it when she grows out of it?

I don't know.  I just know that I feel terribly upset about it, and I feel incredibly guilty and selfish for feeling sad about it.  My heart hurts in so many different ways.  And in the picture O~ just looks so happy and like she is having fun wearing the jacket.  How can I feel so sad when it makes O~ and my mom so happy?  At least I know that by my cousin taking a picture of O~ wearing the coat and sending it to my mom she knows it is important, has meaning and will take care of it.

Unsuccessfully Resisting the Merk of March

It angers and frustrates me that infertility is a lingering part of me.  I'd like to say it is not.  Any admission that I still think about it from time to time, whether a fleeting passing of grief or a moment that triggers a deeper pain, I just want it behind me.  It does not define who I am, but it has shaped me.  Writing about it is difficult because it is easy to fall into that false belief that I should just be over it--the same kind of thinking that ticks me off from those who do not understand.  It is NIAW, so I will give myself permission to write a few thoughts sans guilt.

Currently, I am personally grappling with the question of finding resolve with infertility and finding resolve with childlessness.  They are not exclusively mutual.  You can have one, the other, both or none.  If I have to be honest with myself, I do not have resolve with the infertility.  I have resolve on shaky ground with a hoped, temporary childlessness.  There is an acceptance that things are on hold and there is still time--to not give up hope--to be okay with not closing that door just yet.  Infertility still hurts me.  Or is it that I still allow it to hurt?  It hurts me less on a daily basis, but getting through March is still really tough.  It is a different animal each year.  I guess I need to truly accept this, to allow room for the emotion, the pain and know it will likely come.

The twins would have been four years old in March of this year.

I Saw You Looking Back...

as you were pulling away from the driveway in your car.  I pretended not to notice as I took out the Tupperware containers from my lunch bag to be placed in the dishwasher.  I casually spun around and returned my lunch bag to its place on top of the refrigerator.  In that moment of glancing up and out of the kitchen window in the midst of my usual after work routine, I saw you do something that you never did before when we were together...something that when we were together I looked for so hopefully.

I cannot tell you how many times I stood by my kitchen window watching as you left.  Part of it is my familial habit of walking visitors, friends and family to the door when saying good-bye and then watching and waving in their send off.  Sometimes it seems silly, but I cannot help these rituals.  It provides some sense of comfort, hope and well wishes exchanged between myself and those that I care about until I see them again.  When it is reciprocated, there is a sort of feeling of closure in that moment, almost like an acknowledgement...until the next time...or...my spirit is with your spirit.

But when we were together, you never looked back.  You would jump into your car and off you went...zoom...onto the next adventure in life.  So many times you were full of energy and bounding to do the next thing.  I wondered if I was hardly a thought in your mind as you carried about your day after you left.  You seemed so comfortable in your leaving.  But was it that you took for granted that you would return to me?

Today you paused.  You were looking up at me, and what seemed like the first time that you had been watching me.  It's strange to suddenly realize that you are being observed.  My breath slipped away and when I neared your eyes, I looked away.  I didn't want you to see me noticing you noticing me.  The thing that I longed for when we were together and you didn't do, suddenly now you took the time to do.

My heart hurts and it's not fair.  There are days that I still miss you, still think about you and wonder why it could not have worked.  I loved you so.  But then I think back to the things that secretly brought me relief when it was over.  And that saddens my heart, too.  It comes in cycles of mourning, sadness and anger that get smaller and smaller with time.  They are followed by the building of strength that comes from productively feeling the pain...to honor what was lost in order to move onward.

Why did you have to look at me in that way today from your car?  It was awkward enough to have to ask you to come and unlock my door after I locked my keys in my apartment.  You were kind about it, but you could hardly look at me.  And I could hardly look at you.  We were polite and asked the obligatory, "How are you?"  I sensed that you did not want to be there in that space with me as it felt quietly rushed.  Both were seemingly insouciant, but with more under the surface than what either of us was willing to admit.  I cannot imagine what the real thoughts were in your head.  I have no idea.

As you were unlocking the door, I just kind of glanced around you.  I could not look at you, as much as I wanted to catch a glimpse of your face.  A song came to my mind, one that is so cliche, but snippets kept jumping out at me...

"Dreams, that's where I have to go to see your beautiful face anymore." 

I almost felt like I would rather just remember you the way that I imagine than to painfully see you in this current reality knowing you are no longer with me. 

"I would lie and say that you're not on my mind."

Virtual Sanity

Over the last few weeks, I have been grieving the end of my relationship with RJ. I have come to accept that it is over, and with it comes a sadness in realizing the separation and that we are no longer apart of each other's life. So much has happened in my life that RJ would not know the slightest, and the same for me with his life.

It really hit home when I noticed that RJ changed his Facebook profile picture. He always had the same one, a picture of him with a friend. Now it is of him in one of his favorite places in the woods. Then there were a few postings on his page that had not been there before when we were together. And I looked back onto my page and saw the things posted on it since we broke up. It was a visual representation of the distance and space over time that comes between two people when a relationship ends. My friend, Emily, said it is almost like a drawing with the perspective of something tiny fading into the horizon. It makes me feel sad. But, it is a good thing, and it is part of the process of moving forward and healing. Time. Distance. Space. (Sounds like a math or physics problem.)

Then I had a conversation with another friend, Julie, about pictures on Facebook. Slowly, I have been deleting the photos with RJ (Sidenote: He also has not untagged himself either.). It has been difficult for me--not in the sense of wanting him back, but more along the lines of not wanting to erase me. The time we spent together meant something, and I am not trying to wipe it all away like it did not happen. My friend said she understood. Then she commented that I have probably taken down the photos of him in my apartment, which is true. She likened the photo albums on Facebook to the photos you keep on your bed stand, mantel or refrigerator. Facebook is kind of like a virtual version of those same spaces in your home. I liked that. It makes it a little easier to continue taking down those pictures. It is kind of like rearranging the furniture.

Maybe next weekend I'll do a little spring cleaning on my Facebook page. Right now I have to do some work at home. And it is supposed to snow tomorrow?! So, who wants to do spring cleaning when there is snow around? :P I'll get to it, soon enough.

Lingering Conversations

So, after that first conversation two weeks after RJ broke up with me, we have talked a couple more times. When he came over the first time, it was after a slight misunderstanding in each of us thinking the other had something they wanted to say. When we figured out that neither had anything planned, I took it as an opportunity to talk about tying up loose ends.

One of the hardest parts was in giving RJ back his keys. As I dug into my pocket to get them out--because I knew my hands would be fumbling if I tried to take them off my key ring in front of him--RJ started to shake his head no in protest and neither one of us could look each other in the eye. He told me again that I really did not have to give them back and shook his hand away. As the tears came rolling and my voice could barely get the words out, I told him that I did not want to give them back, but that I thought it would be best. RJ took them and then hugged me tight and we cried.

It was so difficult for me to give back the keys because when I looked at them, it just brought me back to that summer day that RJ first gave them to me. I went with him as he made several copies so that if he were to get locked out of his apartment, there would be spares. He gave one to me and I remember saying with a big grin, "Really? You want me to have one." He said yes with a smile--both with his lips and in his eyes. It felt really special, and it was special. He was the first man to give me the keys to his home. It was so meaningful in both feeling the trust that he had in me and in our relationship that it was really going somewhere.

And then in that moment as he held me close, I asked RJ a question I had been burning to ask. I asked him, "Do you have any feelings of anger or bitterness towards me?" I knew the answer really should not matter because even if he did, it should have no barring on my self-worth. But I asked the question for me. I asked it because of how things ended with my ex-husband and how by the end of it A~ just absolutely hated me--hated me for existing, hated me for just being and hated me for being in his way of attaining what he thinks will be his true happiness. I know A~'s thought process was unfair and that he was projecting his frustrations onto me for which I was not responsible. There were two people on that August day that both committed to the marriage. But it was still so devastating to hear and to feel that kind of intense anger after being with him for fourteen years, part of which I thought included love and happy memories. How can you hate someone for being married to you when you are the person who was the major contributor to destroying it? And even in emotionally deflecting back that responsibility of A~'s change in feelings, I still could not help but feel that negative energy.

So, I asked RJ my question. RJ emphatically said no that he did not feel angry with me. He said that as much as he thinks this break up is what needs to happen that he still loves me and that there will always be a part of him that will love me. RJ then continued that he feels that we formed a deep connection. He said it is very hard for him to make those kinds of connections with people and that once he does, he does not let those go.

I found relief in that RJ does not hate me like in the way that my ex-husband did. I found comfort that he still had positive feelings surrounding me and what we experienced. But RJ's admission also hurt because I just do not understand how you can love someone and walk away. I just do not get it.

He did insert that if I did do something to hurt him, that that would change, but quickly reiterated that no he still cared very much for me. I told him that I don't want to hurt him. I think that comment may speak to either a fear of getting hurt or that vulnerability that we are both feeling with being unsure of how it is all really going to end. But I think that if two people want a peaceful ending, even if it is sad, that can happen.

Then RJ shared something that is reflective of his spiritual side. RJ told me that as silly as it may sound, he hopes or would like to think that in the next life we will cross paths. He said, "I hope that we run into each other and that we hug each other. And that we both say, 'Thank you. Thank you for being there in my life because you were exactly what I needed then and I got exactly what I needed from you.' "

And those are the words that I try to hold onto because in some ways it speaks of hope that there will be better for each of us to come. I feel that what RJ shared in that conversation on that day helps to validate that the time we spent together and what we had was real and that it was special and meaningful.

And then RJ read my blog...

the last one with him in it...

and he was upset.

I got an email from him, which was also in response of a few things we needed to take care of doing, but I could see the extra space where he clearly deleted some things. I felt sick because this was not how I wanted things to end, especially after our last conversation.

So, with still looking for a job and having some extra time at home, I decided to walk over to his apartment.

It was strange to walk up the steps to his front door. It reminded me of the first time I came to his door and he invited me into his apartment before a bike ride. I rang the doorbell, which was probably broken. So, I stood there deciding if I should try the back door. As I turned to go down the stairs and lifted the latch to open the gate to walk into the back yard, I glanced over my shoulder half expecting to see the old Italian couple sitting on their front stoop. Of course they wouldn't because it is winter, but in my mind's eye I pictured them as I saw them so many times that first summer and they would laugh and wave as I walked those same steps with what I imagine as a glint of excitement to see RJ. As I climbed his back steps up to the landing on the second floor, I paused before knocking, taking in the view of other tiny city back yards, the walk with the rose garden and the back of the church parking lot where so many couples and their wedding parties bustled to and from the church for the ceremony. I remembered sitting on the rails of the landing talking to my friends on my phone about this amazing guy. Still standing, I remembered the slow warming of summer mornings as RJ watered his garden or the back and forth from the kitchen to the yard for barbecues or the starry nights as we left his apartment for some nighttime fun down the block. I remembered the first summer looking out of RJ's kitchen window and wondering, "Will I be in this kitchen the following summer? I certainly hope so, it feels like it. Will that one day be us in that church parking lot?"

My head was becoming full in these fleeting thoughts. And not wanting to indulge in them for any length of time, I pushed them aside because I just did not want to feel the sadness in not ever experiencing them again. I pushed them away as I raised my hand up to knock on the door and RJ answered. He answered with a quiet hello. Cutting past the small talk, I told him right off that I read his email. He paused and I invited him to come outside. Fortunately, it was one of those warmer 50 degree winter days. But somehow the temperature seemed almost non-existent.

RJ apologized for sending me the email and that he had been avoiding reading my blog, but did this morning. I told him not to apologize for sharing his feelings and that I would rather know he was upset and be able to talk about it. I told him how I noticed his editing and that he didn't fire off everything that he was thinking and that maybe it was good to get it out and then delete it--to which he looked down with a slight knowing laugh.

Then, RJ shared that he was upset because he felt that he had been completely honest about how he felt about us along the way and that the break up was not a complete surprise out of no where. I asked him how much of my blog he read, if he had just read the one entry or others too. He said just the one. I told him that there were other entries that talked about the leading doubts and that the surprise came from the fact that I was not expecting the break up that morning. He said he was surprised by it too and it was not planned. I told RJ that he was as honest as he could be in sharing his concerns about the relationship along the way. However, I felt he was inconsistent in sharing the good things and the love that he felt for me. I felt there were times that he seemed to show he cared in big ways and I was hoping not to be grasping for straws in searching that he really loved me. I told him that you have to share the good stuff too and sometimes that includes saying it.

RJ said that he gave everything that he could put into the relationship and that he was in it fully. But RJ and I agreed that we would go round and round as far as to the argument of how one can be fully in the relationship if they are worrying or thinking about it ending. I feel that if you are in that mindset or fear, it does take you out and that was what was missing. And RJ said he gave everything that he had, which I can understand to a point. I told him that I also gave everything that I had, but there were times that I became aware that I was not in it 100 percent. I would then re-evaluate and work through those fears to then give more of myself. I always gave 100 percent of what I knew I had to give.

RJ mentioned that there were times that I would talk about the future in what if's in not being certain if we would be together or not. And then it hit me as for part of my role. I talked in what if's because I was afraid of chasing RJ away in pushing too much too soon or in getting ahead of myself. I just felt like I was not in a place to really talk about marriage with having to finish grad school. I later told RJ I was terribly sorry for that. I did not mean to give him mixed messages about if we could have a future together. But I also told him that it took time for me to get to that place to be ready and that was a large part of what I was trying to get at when I admitted my feelings to him in wanting more, more with him. But part of me now wonders, if he really wanted more then, why didn't he just say it or ask about it? Why did he not question or address it with me?

RJ also added that it is not about being afraid of him getting hurt. He said that he was holding back because he was afraid of me getting hurt. He said how he did not want to hurt me like how my ex hurt me. RJ said in all that I shared he was able to see how devastating it was for me, or in his words--destroyed me. He said it must be so difficult for my family and friends to see me in another relationship and ask what will happen if it happens again? I told him I knew I should not have told him, but he said no that he wanted to understand who I was and where I was coming. To his credit, he did listen well. And what I did share with RJ was not every detail, but it was more in that I am feeling sad and this is why so that you don't think it is you or this is the lens that I see the world because of my experiences but I make every effort to not project them onto you. I told him that I knew I was still processing the loss during our relationship and I did not want it to be unfair to him. And in some ways there was no way to process certain things related to my past relationship without being in a new and serious relationship. But I told RJ that I also feel that I have grown, become stronger and moved through it. I asked him if he had read the entry about the dream and he said no. I feel frustrated that RJ does not seem to recognize the new strength and confidence within me.

And still it remains that RJ says he just does not want to hurt me like how I have been in the past. Again, I could go round and round on that one, but his mind is made up. It is not my job to convince him to be with me.

On a final note, RJ said that if I walk away with nothing else, it is that he wants me to know that the relationship ending is not because of something that I did or did not do. He feels that we both did everything that we could have done, even with trying to replay or find certain moments that could have gone another way. He feels we both acted in ways that were true to ourselves and in giving as much love as we could give. Was it timing? Did he not feel safe coming to me to show his vulnerability?

Before I left, we hugged once more on that back porch landing under a bright blue sky. It was then that I realized how cold I felt from standing outside for as long as we did. I was actually starting to shake.

I am just so very, very sad in that the relationship couldn't work and that it has to end. I just do not get it. I do not understand how you can love someone and walk away. I am deeply saddened that he cannot see my strength and resolve. However, during this conversation and in wrapping up I shared with RJ how much his words from our last conversation meant to me. It was real.

Good-bye RJ

RJ and I talked earlier this week. No surprises, but I was able to talk to him about my three main areas of concern--lack of respect for not calling me, feeling like he did not give us enough time, and that he was making the decision about our relationship without me...in that hey if you sense things are off, talk about it, explore it, and at least try to figure out the "why" before you run.

I told RJ that I felt that part of that missing piece in the relationship was that he wouldn't communicate how he really felt about me. While I respected that he did not want to lead me on, I also felt that he was holding himself back. If you love someone, you say it. You don't fear that you will change your mind or that the relationship may end sometime down the road. You have to be honest and communicate with that person in that moment because otherwise it does not allow the relationship to grow. It restricts it, creates confusion or mistrust, and puts up a wall.

He talked about how he had really been hurt in the past. But I told him he hadn't talked to me about that in a long time and I didn't know how he felt about it now. Then I said that is why you have to check-in with the relationship from time to time and let the other person know how you are truly feeling. Loving someone is scary sometimes. It is also takes a lot of work. Loving someone is a choice that you make every day.

I just feel really angry because I feel that of all people that he could have tried to be more open and honest about fears of getting hurt was with me. I know what it is like to get hurt badly. RJ said there wasn't anything that I did do or did not do in our relationship to end it. He said he just felt like he wasn't fully into the relationship and did not want to be wasting any more of my time. I just don't understand what was missing for him. And maybe I cannot relate because I was willing to put my whole heart into the relationship with what I had to give along the way. If you are not fully into the other person or the relationship, then what is the point? I just don't know why I couldn't see that he was not in it all the way. Or maybe I did, but I did not want to read into things too much and assume there was a problem and kind of create one if there wasn't one.

And I am also angry because I feel that with so much of what we talked about could have brought us closer together and made our relationship stronger before the breaking up. Had RJ been more honest and open in sharing how he felt scared and vulnerable, we could have validated and comforted each other. Again, love can be scary because anything worth doing takes thought and consideration. And if you are just mindlessly going along with it and just doing what is expected, the relationship becomes empty. And as I have been trying to tell him in coming to my own life conclusions, it is that you cannot be scared about the what if's...will the person leave me, will the relationship end...you have to make the best decisions that you can with the information that you have at the time and how you feel about that person in that present moment.

Ugh...

We left on as good of terms as possible that night. There were times that we hugged and cried a few tears, but there was also a distance with it. When the conversation turned towards how we would be moving forward...exchanging stuff, communication...RJ became emotional. Either he is not fully resolved in his decision or he is trying to leave room to string me along. If it is the first thing, then I feel so angry for him making his choice in such haste. I don't understand how he can say that he still has feelings for me, but thinks breaking up is the right thing to do. Can't you nurture love? Then if it is second thing, I would loose a lot of respect for him and I don't even want to think of that as a real possibility. It is very difficult for me because I want to believe the best in people, but I am afraid I am very naive in that way.

As RJ left that night, he seemed at a loss. As we hugged, I shared that it is really hard for me to see my life without him, but mumbled that it would probably be better not to communicate. He seemed to agree, but I felt it odd to be taking the lead in setting expectations of how it would end.

After he went out the door, I walked back out to his car for one last hug. I felt like there was something still left unsaid. I told him that I would not regret the relationship with him and that our time was special to me. Then I said thank you. That is when we really hugged each other. I told him I wished we could have just one more night, but softly laughed it off...knowing it could have been beautiful, but then that much harder to let go in the morning. RJ said something like, me too. With one more hug and a quick, gentle kiss on the lips, I walked back inside without looking back and he drove away.

Since RJ was going to the gym, I decided to make a mad dash to his place and get the rest of my stuff that I wanted. I just did not want to put it off any longer and knew it would be harder later. I needed to do it for me, so that I could really begin the process of moving forward. I sent him a text to let him know so that it would not surprise him coming home, and I said that I did it out of a caring place.

I continued that I felt that we had ended things with dignity and peace when we parted. And I wrote that that I will miss the "us" terribly and that I will hold a fondness for him in my heart. RJ responded that he can't even explain to himself what he is feeling. I asked him if he wanted to come over, if there was something more to say...I kind of had that feeling that maybe he was rounding near that break when a relationship is ending and you share what was truly special about that person and the experience. He said maybe later and that he didn't think he could handle it well at the moment. I said that that window is now and that we wouldn't have much more time, but I would respect it if he did not want to come over. I was hoping he would because I felt that because we were both so raw, there could have been a refreshing honesty in just being together as a final good-bye...more than words. I felt it just before he drove away in that last hug, when you really open yourself up one last time to honor what was real and special in the relationship. So, I will just hold onto that last hug and kiss because that is as close as I think RJ can get to really letting me back into his heart to have a deeper good-bye.

Feeling Something in the Air

March is a difficult month for me. I wrote about it last year in my post, March Madness. Even though I feel like I have done a lot to process those events and feelings, there is still a trace that is felt now. I have found myself to be quite emotional for the past few weeks. There are times when I can barely hold back the tears that seem to come from somewhere deep within me--a great and overwhelming sadness. When I stepped outside on Friday, there was something in the air, the wind and the sunshine that took me to that place again in a snap. But the sadness that I felt was somehow different. It was like in layers, some distant and some newly surfacing. The welled up feelings seemed to suddenly fall into place and crystallize in one moment, in one breath. As I am moving beyond my past relationship and my past life, it is the loss of motherhood that haunts me.

A few weeks ago, I was volunteering at the hospital and visiting with children who needed a little extra company. As I reached into the crib to pick up the infant, the blanket slipped a bit and I saw the stripped print of his sleeper. He was wearing the same sleeper that I had purchased for the babies I had once hoped to adopt with my ex. The same sleeper that still sits in a drawer in one of my nightstands.

Of course I was sad and I gave pause in that moment. But I also tried to push aside my feelings so that I wouldn't completely fall apart while sitting in the hospital with this child. I rocked him and sang songs to him.

After I left, I wondered what my baby would have looked like, would have felt like in that sleeper. And then I realized that if my ex and I had been able to adopt those twins from Utah, they would have turned two-years-old this month. I could be the mother of two-year-old twins right now. What would we have already experienced together? What moments would I have treasured? What would we be doing right now? I pictured taking them outside and going to a park, going to the grocery store or holding their little hands. And it all just makes me so sad. The chance of motherhood seeming to have slipped past me.

And has it really been two years? That feels so long and far away. And then I feel like it is pitiful that I still have the sleepers. I have felt ready to pass them along for a while, or at least that is what I have told myself. I no longer feel like giving them away means giving away the dream of motherhood, either, which is good. I just haven't found a place that seems good enough to give away something so significant to me. I can't tell you how many times I have driven past the Good Will store or shook my head as I passed a donation drop off box. But, my most recent thoughts on the sleepers have been to maybe donate them to the hospital. I don't know, maybe.

It is time. I have held onto the sleepers for too long and I don't want to feel like they are holding me back. Before I do, I think I will write a letter. I need to have my good-bye and I think it will be good to write about what they had meant to me.

Ten Years Ago

Ten years ago I got married to a man who I thought I would spend the rest of my life. This was the anniversary I wondered about in what we would have done and accomplished in our lives together. I looked forward to making it to ten with a house, children, satisfaction in our careers, rich with family memories, and still being madly in love. I looked forward to that milestone and thinking that we would still be pretty young and being set to enjoy the prime of our lives. Not that I wanted to skip all of the years between, but I could really envision a future with him.

I am so very sad and hurt today, on what would have been our wedding anniversary. I don't want to be with him anymore. But today just really sucks. I am angry that he cheated on me. I am angry that I am thinking about my past with him. The loss of the happy memories makes me feel sad. I feel so mixed up and I would rather just forget about today.

Part of me wants to just curl up in bed and stay there all day. Part of me wants to treat the day as any other. But ten years just seems like too much to ignore. I thought last year would be difficult and it was. But I thought this year might have been easier and it is not. I am tired of hurting. I am tired of this day haunting me. It is too big for me, I want to give up this burden and to be free.