Tuesday, March 30, 2010

March Madness

So with the close of March coming, I may as well put it out there about the other significant event in the unfolding of my life, my divorce. March has not been an easy month for me. It has been weighing heavily on me and I am just trying to sort through it all.

March...when I was in college, it was the month that my former spouse proposed to me. I was totally, madly, deeply in love. One big chapter in my life was closing and there was so much new on the horizon. I had a bright future with adventure ahead and someone to share in the journey!

March...it was the month that my Great-Uncle Carl died. He was like a grandfather to me. I loved him so very much and admired him in the way he cared for his family, his generosity, and passing along stories of family history to connect the generations. He was an exemplary man of the Greatest Generation.

March...it was when we found out that we had about six weeks to find a house, find me a job, pack up, be in a wedding, and move to Atlanta for his job. It was a thrilling whirlwind. I was so sad to move so very far away from my family. But I was excited about the potential of living in some place new and so very different than what I had ever experienced before. It was an opportunity to be out on our own and away from our parents--a test of what we really could be.

March...it was when we decided to take a year for ourselves to sort things out after all of his education and job training. It was a time when we tossed around where we wanted to settle ourselves and started making plans to move closer to our families. We dreamed, we laughed, and we traveled. It was probably one of the best years of our marriage.

March...it was when we decided to start trying to have a baby. This was it, we were going to start a family and a big moment when it just felt right for both of us. We broke ground on our new house! It was all falling into place.

March...it was when he went away for four months on a business trip to help his company start up a new contract in Tulsa. It was also one year in with no baby. At this point, I thought there was something wrong on my end. I was feeling broken, a reject, and I hated my body. It was when I needed him the most. But I was going to be strong and support him and hold onto those trips when I could fly out and visit him. I felt like my life had been put on hold and I was just waiting and waiting and waiting. I was loosing myself.

March...it was two years in with no baby, but we had long stopped trying. He lied to me about breaking things off with the other woman when we were supposed to be trying to rebuild and reconnect. He served me with divorce papers after two months of separation. He said it was "just in case" because our state requires a cooling off period of three months before a divorce can become finalized. He didn't want to "waste my time" if it didn't work out. He was stringing me along and had checked out long ago. It took me time to realize he wasn't really trying anymore and had already started making plans for his life after me. I was just slowly coming to terms that it was really over. I held out for so long hoping that we could work it out, find some way to put it all back together again. I did everything that I could to save the relationship and I do not have any regret in that, no matter how painful or when so many would have walked away under the circumstances. I put it all out on the line, so there could be no regret that I didn't try it all.

March...it is now when most of the dust has settled in my very fast moving divorce. The papers were signed in the fall, but it takes time to sell a house, close out accounts, divide up your stuff, and sell the rest. There are just a few other things that need to be taken care of before the rest of what is agreed upon goes on auto pilot. I am tired and I am sad.

It was well said in a support group, that divorce is the tearing of your soul. It is a pain felt so deeply that it rips to your very core and shatters your identity as your whole world falls apart--with its impact far reaching. You loose so much more than just a marriage.

Time to pull up those boot straps and pick my chin back up. I just need a moment to catch my breath while I continue moving forward in my new life. I have to put my faith in God and thank Him for the love and support of my family and friends and the blessings in my life. In counting those blessings, it all adds up as I try to take it one day at a time.

March...it is now when I am going to let go of this great, heavy sadness and anger. It is too much to hold onto and it is time to let it be. Someone told me you mourn the loss of things that matter to you. There is a time to grieve and there is a time to move forward and back into the present. I've spent my time in mourning and it is time to be free.


  1. MAN, I wish I could give you a BIG GIANT HUG right now.

    It's so important that you recognize how much you did to make things right. You fought for him, you held on, YOU DID YOUR BEST. He was a - Hold that thought... I'm not going to retype the tangent I just deleted, but in stead dub him "Your Ex: MD" ... MD is short for Major Douche. EHHEM, what I was getting at is that you're awesome and I think it's fantastic that you're at the point where you feel ready to move forward. There are just so many reasons to be caught up in it all, but not you. You know better.

    Honey, enjoy your new found freedom. You earned it.

    P.S.I feel so grateful to be one of the people you've given this blog address to. The way you've poured your heart out here leaves me speechless.

  2. Jamie, I feel so terrible that it wasn't until April that I read your post on just how painful March has been for you.

    I don't know if I can top anything that Melissa said. She was so right that you did EVERYTHING you could to hold things together when he had checked out. No one can say that you didn't give that relationship your all.

    You have known for about a year now just how much of an "MD" (Melissa's term for him was just perfect!) that I think he is.

    I am so glad that you are going to let March be a time for you to celebrate your newfound freedom.

    And, I am also grateful that you let me be one of the people who you share your blog with. It is so heartfelt and amazing.

    Love you.