Friday, September 14, 2012

Today WAS Better

I know my last post was down right depressing.  It was raw and felt so good once I hit publish.  Sometimes I think the anticipation of something can be almost worse than the actual thing.  I had been trying so hard not to let myself get so upset, to not go near what I was really thinking and to try to be brave.  Sometimes I am just so tired of feeling all of those feelings or knowing that they are just waiting to spill over.

But, today was a better day.  I had a presentation to give this afternoon at work (my very first!), so I think that helped to focus my mind elsewhere and keep me distracted.  And when I was done, it felt really good.  I was proud of myself.  After I thanked the group for participating and sharing their stories, they sang happy birthday to me.

It was a good day because I got to enjoy the extra pumpkin chip cookies that I made for my presentation.  Yesterday, a new friend made me birthday dinner.  I was surrounded with love from family and friends with birthday wishes with cards, texts, facebook messages and phone calls.  My mom sent me a birthday present in the mail with my usual and favorite birthday gift--a new fall sweater (a light one since I am in Florida now).  I am blessed to have so many people who care about me and want good things for me in my life.  And my heart is with them, too, wanting nothing but the very best for them.

I know this post is cheesy.  But sometimes it is important to recognize the good--especially when you are more ready to embrace it again.  Hopefully, each day gets better.

Thursday, September 13, 2012

Unhappy Birthday

Turning 34 was really difficult for me.  Turning 35 this year is even harder.  This is not where I thought my life would be.  Yes, I know it is better to be thankful for what you do have in your life and to focus on the blessings and the positives.  But I am tired of being strong and I just want to sulk in my misery for a bit.  Kind of need to hit that bottom (again) and try to get it out of my system before coming up again.  Sometimes I just need to cry.  If I had my way, I'd just stay in bed all day tomorrow and just wait it out to end.  I just don't feel like being around anyone.

It was hard enough being married and turning 30 and not having had a child.  Now I am 35, divorced, single and in no place to be entering a new relationship--and nowhere near considering having a child because if I'm going to have a child, I want that to be a shared experience with someone I love.  I'm just such a mess.  While I do feel like I am making more headway towards finding closure with the end of my relationship with RJ and forgiveness with A~, I just feel so lost in the loss of my dreams.  My heart aches and hurts so much, to have a desire to give so much love and to have no direction to give it.

Turning 35 feels like the window is not far off from closing.  I know there is still time and I am trying really hard not to hang all of my happiness on a relationship or a child.  But today, it is really hard.  So, I am just going to give myself permission to feel sad and cry every tear that I need today.  Hopefully, tomorrow will be better.

I am trying really hard to hang onto hope that I will find a man to share love and a life together.  My next step is to build up the courage, faith and trust to believe that it will happen.  As much as it almost hurts to breathe right now and that I'm drowning in my own sorrow, I will come to the surface--hopefully sooner rather than later.  What gives me hope is knowing several women in my life who have found love later in life and have received many bountiful blessings.  Please, God, let my turn come.