While scrolling through Facebook, I saw a piece that caught my eye from mindbodygreen.com. It comes from the perspective of a life that once dreamed of having a child, but it did not come to be for the author. She shares her insights and learning from a living a life without children.
My IVF Treatments Failed. Here's What I Wish Others Struggling With Infertility Knew. By Justine Brooks Froelker
I appreciate that she is another voice who shares the side of the story of when a person is not able to have a child of their own. What happens? How does the person move forward?
Some of what she says echoes what others have expressed. Although, hearing those sentiments repeated is validating. She talks about breaking the silence, being careful not to compare your journey to others, respecting our individual limits and being more than trying to have a baby. These seem to be good things to keep in mind however your IF journey unfolds, baby or not.
Then the author takes it to the next step, the space where there is no baby. Below are a few quotes I really liked.
"For us, healthy hope has meant redefining our dream of family, accepting that we will never have children, and yet doing the work to always have children in our lives."
"For us, this is in living a childfull life and finding ways to parent in honor of our babies who we don't get to hold."
"When we give ourselves permission to feel it all, at the same time, we can find our clarity again. In the complicated gray of life, we can awaken to life in color again."
It takes time to figure out how to live without a child in your family in the way you had once hoped and imagined. It takes time to sort through the feelings and knowing you will not ever be done feeling them all, but finding a way to dream new dreams and deciding how to fold children into your life, how to make room to experience motherhood or parenthood a bit differently. And maybe for me it has been a bit awkward at times, but I'm trying to figure it out. T~ and I are still near the beginning of our life as a couple. While we are newlyweds, we have been together for three years and have had several conversations about children and family. We still have hope, but we are realistic in knowing that time is limited. This part of our story is still playing out. But, it is up to us in how we decide to live while in this space of between.
Showing posts with label hope. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hope. Show all posts
Monday, December 21, 2015
Friday, December 4, 2015
The New Mr. & Mrs.
We're married!!!
More photos to come, as this was at the end of the night and the only picture that I took. Oops! It was beautiful and fun!
Recessional
Carl Goes Up, Up Soundtrack
(I realize the song comes from a movie steeped in infertility, but it just felt right. There is something very freeing and hopeful about the song. It marks the start of a new journey, even if it is not all how you imagined. Plus, T~ enjoys Pixar films.)
More photos to come, as this was at the end of the night and the only picture that I took. Oops! It was beautiful and fun!
Recessional
Carl Goes Up, Up Soundtrack
(I realize the song comes from a movie steeped in infertility, but it just felt right. There is something very freeing and hopeful about the song. It marks the start of a new journey, even if it is not all how you imagined. Plus, T~ enjoys Pixar films.)
Monday, September 21, 2015
Birthday Month
This year, my birthday was good. And that made me feel great! No feelings of doom or glum or anticipatory sadness. It started as a pretty regular day. Got to talk to my Mom and Dad on the phone. Later, A~ was going to take me out to dinner or make me a fancy dinner, but my arm felt sore from a doctor's appointment and I wasn't really feeling it. Instead, we went grocery shopping together and meandered through the aisles. Picked out a fancy slice of cake from the bakery case and a bottle of wine. He made me macaroni and cheese, and we curled up on the couch and watched an episode of Call the Midwife. It was simple and lovely.
Microblog Mondays
Microblog Mondays
Monday, May 5, 2014
Twin Quiz
I confess, I am a junky when it comes to taking the personality quizzes you find on facebook. I rarely post my results, but I love taking them! Yes, I want to know what kind of house I should live in or which Disney princess I would be or which two words describe me. And just when I think, I am done with this silly, mindless time suck, there appears the next quiz to fill the hole of gaining more personal insights. Haha! I am such a sucker. :)
But, there was a quiz that gave me pause. At first, I was just going to pass on it. But, then I saw a guy friend post his results and thought what the heck? The quiz was called, "How Many Kids Are You Going to Have?"
I wasn't sure if I wanted to know the answer because I was a little afraid it would say "zero." Then, I went back to my friend's results and his comment. He is single and got "one" and made a hopeful remark that sounds about right and that he hopes to meet a good woman someday. It struck me as simple, honest and sweet. So, I took the quiz.
My result was "twins." The blurb said something about two for the price of one--in maybe wanting one pregnancy, but being blessed with two. It made me smile.
As I am getting older, I find that I am changing my thoughts on family building. When I was younger and in my twenties, I daydreamed of having four to six kids. Over time, that number is decreasing. It is in part because of practical reasons, time and managing expectations. But, it is also in part with wanting less, to simplify things in life--like having a smaller home, less things. My mind has been shifting towards thinking that maybe one child is all that I would want--to be able to devote more attention, time and resources towards them. But, getting the result of twins makes me happy because maybe deep down I still do want more than one child. There is also something very special about twins. It speaks to me somehow.
The quiz gives me hope. It is not too late. It is validating in that it is okay to still playfully dream of a child. That I am still deserving to be a mother, maybe someday.
But, there was a quiz that gave me pause. At first, I was just going to pass on it. But, then I saw a guy friend post his results and thought what the heck? The quiz was called, "How Many Kids Are You Going to Have?"
I wasn't sure if I wanted to know the answer because I was a little afraid it would say "zero." Then, I went back to my friend's results and his comment. He is single and got "one" and made a hopeful remark that sounds about right and that he hopes to meet a good woman someday. It struck me as simple, honest and sweet. So, I took the quiz.
My result was "twins." The blurb said something about two for the price of one--in maybe wanting one pregnancy, but being blessed with two. It made me smile.
As I am getting older, I find that I am changing my thoughts on family building. When I was younger and in my twenties, I daydreamed of having four to six kids. Over time, that number is decreasing. It is in part because of practical reasons, time and managing expectations. But, it is also in part with wanting less, to simplify things in life--like having a smaller home, less things. My mind has been shifting towards thinking that maybe one child is all that I would want--to be able to devote more attention, time and resources towards them. But, getting the result of twins makes me happy because maybe deep down I still do want more than one child. There is also something very special about twins. It speaks to me somehow.
The quiz gives me hope. It is not too late. It is validating in that it is okay to still playfully dream of a child. That I am still deserving to be a mother, maybe someday.
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
Fix You
Somewhere along the way this past year or so, someone said something about God that really spoke to me. It seemed to click with a peaceful acceptance. I have always believed that things happen for a reason. But then someone took it a step further. They said that God presents us with challenges for one of three reasons. He is trying to help you to grow. He is using you to help someone else to grow. Or, He is moving you out of harm's way.
I like that.
So when I am feeling like I am in an emotional place of betweens, I find it helpful to listen to Coldplay's Fix You. It is just the right balance of releasing sadness and turning towards hope. It allows me to grieve and honor what was lost--a dream, something that showed promise or a change in direction. Sometimes it is a person, a place or a plan. But by listening to the music, it helps me to let go. That is not easy for me. I want to hold on tight. I want to hold it all and stay in that moment. But, that is life. Life is change.
This is also a song I play for myself when I feel close to being afraid--just near that space before the tipping point, the anticipation of change and that somehow life will soon be significantly different. Again, it is change and sometimes laced with fear. But then I will listen to the song and it helps to bring me past all of those mixed up feelings. And as the tempo rises and the music becomes more bold, I feel as though I can get through it, get beyond it and there is hope. Sometimes I can imagine myself running in the brisk, cool air while building my speed to a sprint at the end of a great run. It is a sense of soaring wrapped in determination and confidence.
The theme of returning home reminds me of a safe place, a place of roots and grounding where I am always loved. It reminds me of my family and their unconditional love, supportive friends embracing joy and giving it up to God. Letting Him fix you.
Monday, October 21, 2013
Gravity
Over the weekend I saw the movie Gravity. It was the first time I saw a 3D movie. I was a little nervous because sometimes I've experienced some motion sickness watching a couple of IMAX films. However, I think I picked a good one to see in 3D because they didn't seem to over do the effects and the movie was well suited for it. Plus, the length of the movie was appropriate in that it wasn't too long and told its story in 90 minutes. It was a good experience and a pretty good movie. (I actually removed a few "goods" from this paragraph. Good sums it up well.)
SPOILER ALERT: While the movie was about troubles in space and trying to return to Earth, it was also about grief, learning to let go and getting back to the business of living life. Sandra Bullock's character has lost a daughter who died in a freak playground accident. Since then, she has been emotionally stuck and just passing the days immersed in her work as a way to escape and withdraw from the world and others.
At one point she expresses a want for the silence in space. But, when that silence comes after being cut off from mission control and being left on her own, it does not seem to acquiesce the pain of loss. She must make a choice to live and really live or die. There is no longer an in between. It is when she nears an emotional rock bottom that she chooses life and moves into the space of letting go without forgetting and leans into the strength of hope--hope of a new future, a new life.
The story in the movie spoke to me, reminding me that there is life after loss. And I need to give myself credit for being so bold to take up that strength to propel my life forward. I did not just give up and get stuck. I've moved on with my life and there is still joy and happiness to be had. Yes, I have a new career, but there is more. I'm making new friends, and slowly building a support system in Florida--to add to my one in Ohio and Pennsylvania and in the IF community. I have a loving, thoughtful, and giving boyfriend whom I find myself falling in love with over and over. And I am blessed with a family who loves me unconditionally.
I need to remember my own strength and dig deep and use it. I have to trust in myself and not hold back.
SPOILER ALERT: While the movie was about troubles in space and trying to return to Earth, it was also about grief, learning to let go and getting back to the business of living life. Sandra Bullock's character has lost a daughter who died in a freak playground accident. Since then, she has been emotionally stuck and just passing the days immersed in her work as a way to escape and withdraw from the world and others.
At one point she expresses a want for the silence in space. But, when that silence comes after being cut off from mission control and being left on her own, it does not seem to acquiesce the pain of loss. She must make a choice to live and really live or die. There is no longer an in between. It is when she nears an emotional rock bottom that she chooses life and moves into the space of letting go without forgetting and leans into the strength of hope--hope of a new future, a new life.
The story in the movie spoke to me, reminding me that there is life after loss. And I need to give myself credit for being so bold to take up that strength to propel my life forward. I did not just give up and get stuck. I've moved on with my life and there is still joy and happiness to be had. Yes, I have a new career, but there is more. I'm making new friends, and slowly building a support system in Florida--to add to my one in Ohio and Pennsylvania and in the IF community. I have a loving, thoughtful, and giving boyfriend whom I find myself falling in love with over and over. And I am blessed with a family who loves me unconditionally.
I need to remember my own strength and dig deep and use it. I have to trust in myself and not hold back.
Monday, November 19, 2012
Clues of Moving On
To help me validate the closure and end space between me and my most recent significant past relationship:
- Find myself sleeping in the middle of my bed.
- Feeling less angry and frustrated with it ending. Moving towards acceptance.
- Having no interest in lurking on his fb page.
- Fewer instances of seeing things that remind me of him. (Moving certainly helped. But surprisingly, initially there was more around than I thought that reminded me of him.)
- Wanting to purge and clean out my closet. I kind of started that before the move, but still find myself doing that a bit more. It's kind of like shedding an old skin or old self.
- Reflecting on what I learned from the relationship. Appreciating what was good about it and what I can apply going forward.
- Find myself shopping and eyeing up cute dresses and tops with thoughts of, "That would be cute for a date." I'm kind of in a reinventing phase.
- Going on dates. :)
- Adding more music to my current collection. Always looking for good music, but it tends to increase when I'm looking for some good pick me ups to get pumped about the next adventure.
- Looking to do something new with my hair. I trimmed my bangs a little different and I have been trying to grow it out a little more. I'm thinking the new bangs go better with the length that I would like to grow it.
- Noticing men and picking up more on the vibe when there might be a little something there worth investigating.
- Going on a date and not comparing him to what I had with RJ.
- Feeling more free and excited to explore my new home and people around me.
- Being fully in the moment with a man and noticing and enjoying what is special about him.
- Seeking connection, engagement and satisfaction in my work, play and daily activities.
- Allowing myself to dream, considering new possibilities and itching to travel.
- Generally feeling happier and at peace within myself.
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Orlando Came Calling
As it turns out, the universe was listening. I have a job! It is so great to be able to say that. I have a job at a new hospital in Orlando as a Child Life Specialist. It is an amazing opportunity and I am so grateful. It is exactly the type of position that was the focus of my master's degree.
At first I was told that they found someone with hospital work experience, but that they wanted to hold onto my resume since they anticipated growth. Hence the previous posts of disappointment. I had such a good feeling and had been so hopeful. So, when I got the call for the offer a few weeks later, it was quite a surprise. As a matter of fact, when I returned after my second interview, I went shoe shopping to find something to go with my dress for a friend's wedding and found a cute pair of wedge heels. They were a maybe for a match with the dress, and I ended up deciding on another pair. But, the shoes were such a good price, and the braided jute accents just said Florida all over them. I remember thinking to myself, "I don't need two new pairs of shoes, but maybe I should keep them. They are just so right for Florida." I took it as a sign that Orlando was calling me. When I got the initial news, I thought, "No, not the Florida shoes! I don't want to return the Florida shoes!" My disappointment in kind of having to return the shoes seemed to reflect just how much I really wanted the job and felt it was right on so many levels.
So, even if all did not unfold as neatly as I may have liked, it is still crazy good that I got the offer and I will be going. As I said, it is a brand new hospital and everyone is new. There is a lot of good, positive energy and I cannot wait to begin. With everything being so new, there is an element of not fully knowing what to expect.
My friend, Pete, asked me a couple of days ago, "Are you scared? I mean, to move some place totally new and all by yourself?" He said that he thought that I was brave because he has only lived in the same city his whole life and cannot imagine being anywhere else. My friend, Melissa, kind of shared the same sentiment, but in a totally different context in that she is jealous that I have lived in so many different places and highlighted it being a great opportunity. My knee jerk reaction is, "Yeah, I've done this before." I will not be totally alone either. I have cousins and aunts who live in Orlando. However, if I stop and think about it, I start to wonder what I have really gotten myself into with this new position and move?
The closest that I can come to describing it is that it is like going away for college. You think you have an idea, but there is so much yet to be discovered and so much that is unanswered. It is kind of like going in blind, and it is all of what you make of it. The same could be said for when I went to study in Spain for a semester in college. I took those risks for me and they worked out well. I just have to have faith in myself and remind myself that God has a plan for me. He is leading me somewhere and while it may be challenging at times, I have to trust and believe I am exactly where I need to be right now. The whole experience of moving to a new city and restarting my career in some place new in of itself is a grand opportunity to really start fresh. It is exhilarating and scary and hopeful.
I'd almost say it's like restarting my life, but I've been living a new life for quite some time since the infertility and divorce. And I am proud that I have been making a life for myself while rebuilding, going to grad school and searching for a steady full-time job. I have found a pretty good balance of living life in the moment while going with a plan with some fluidity. In the good kind of way, I think this chapter in my life has well illustrated the old adage, "Life is what happens while you are busy planning it."
It's been a whirlwind--or as my hairdresser told me--a cyclone! During the past three weeks, the offer was made, I accepted the position (with a bit of thinking time to be sure I wasn't being totally rash), began calling/emailing/facebooking to share the news, flew down to Florida to find an apartment, signed a lease, have been packing, made moving arrangements, packed some more, went to a wedding, and have been squeezing in as many good-byes to my Pittsburgh friends and Cleveland friends and family. I have had hardly a moment to think about it. Sometimes there are fleeting thoughts and then it is back to work.
I have experienced excitement about moving to Orlando. And I know that I will miss Pittsburgh, too. I have made some wonderful, supportive friends here. I have made memories and will always have a connection to this city. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I am happy that I was able to make living in this city my own experience--to really take it back and own it. There may be some sad things here, but I think the good things far out number them and have greater power. I have felt a lot of love here. And I did it when when my whole other life was falling apart. I invested in myself and those around me who cared. So, if I can make it in a strange place in the midst of heartbreak and crisis, I can certainly make friends and a home in a new place, as well. Pray for me and wish me well! I have felt the love here with my circle of friends on-line and I thank you for allowing me to share my journey with you!
Another funny note--When I went to Orlando for my second interview, I stayed in a hotel next to the one that I stayed in with some of the BBC ladies on that first gathering three and a half years ago! When I met the ladies there, I never imagined really returning there. I took that as another sign that I was supposed to be in Florida. Funny how life works sometimes.
At first I was told that they found someone with hospital work experience, but that they wanted to hold onto my resume since they anticipated growth. Hence the previous posts of disappointment. I had such a good feeling and had been so hopeful. So, when I got the call for the offer a few weeks later, it was quite a surprise. As a matter of fact, when I returned after my second interview, I went shoe shopping to find something to go with my dress for a friend's wedding and found a cute pair of wedge heels. They were a maybe for a match with the dress, and I ended up deciding on another pair. But, the shoes were such a good price, and the braided jute accents just said Florida all over them. I remember thinking to myself, "I don't need two new pairs of shoes, but maybe I should keep them. They are just so right for Florida." I took it as a sign that Orlando was calling me. When I got the initial news, I thought, "No, not the Florida shoes! I don't want to return the Florida shoes!" My disappointment in kind of having to return the shoes seemed to reflect just how much I really wanted the job and felt it was right on so many levels.
So, even if all did not unfold as neatly as I may have liked, it is still crazy good that I got the offer and I will be going. As I said, it is a brand new hospital and everyone is new. There is a lot of good, positive energy and I cannot wait to begin. With everything being so new, there is an element of not fully knowing what to expect.
My friend, Pete, asked me a couple of days ago, "Are you scared? I mean, to move some place totally new and all by yourself?" He said that he thought that I was brave because he has only lived in the same city his whole life and cannot imagine being anywhere else. My friend, Melissa, kind of shared the same sentiment, but in a totally different context in that she is jealous that I have lived in so many different places and highlighted it being a great opportunity. My knee jerk reaction is, "Yeah, I've done this before." I will not be totally alone either. I have cousins and aunts who live in Orlando. However, if I stop and think about it, I start to wonder what I have really gotten myself into with this new position and move?
The closest that I can come to describing it is that it is like going away for college. You think you have an idea, but there is so much yet to be discovered and so much that is unanswered. It is kind of like going in blind, and it is all of what you make of it. The same could be said for when I went to study in Spain for a semester in college. I took those risks for me and they worked out well. I just have to have faith in myself and remind myself that God has a plan for me. He is leading me somewhere and while it may be challenging at times, I have to trust and believe I am exactly where I need to be right now. The whole experience of moving to a new city and restarting my career in some place new in of itself is a grand opportunity to really start fresh. It is exhilarating and scary and hopeful.
I'd almost say it's like restarting my life, but I've been living a new life for quite some time since the infertility and divorce. And I am proud that I have been making a life for myself while rebuilding, going to grad school and searching for a steady full-time job. I have found a pretty good balance of living life in the moment while going with a plan with some fluidity. In the good kind of way, I think this chapter in my life has well illustrated the old adage, "Life is what happens while you are busy planning it."
It's been a whirlwind--or as my hairdresser told me--a cyclone! During the past three weeks, the offer was made, I accepted the position (with a bit of thinking time to be sure I wasn't being totally rash), began calling/emailing/facebooking to share the news, flew down to Florida to find an apartment, signed a lease, have been packing, made moving arrangements, packed some more, went to a wedding, and have been squeezing in as many good-byes to my Pittsburgh friends and Cleveland friends and family. I have had hardly a moment to think about it. Sometimes there are fleeting thoughts and then it is back to work.
I have experienced excitement about moving to Orlando. And I know that I will miss Pittsburgh, too. I have made some wonderful, supportive friends here. I have made memories and will always have a connection to this city. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I am happy that I was able to make living in this city my own experience--to really take it back and own it. There may be some sad things here, but I think the good things far out number them and have greater power. I have felt a lot of love here. And I did it when when my whole other life was falling apart. I invested in myself and those around me who cared. So, if I can make it in a strange place in the midst of heartbreak and crisis, I can certainly make friends and a home in a new place, as well. Pray for me and wish me well! I have felt the love here with my circle of friends on-line and I thank you for allowing me to share my journey with you!
Another funny note--When I went to Orlando for my second interview, I stayed in a hotel next to the one that I stayed in with some of the BBC ladies on that first gathering three and a half years ago! When I met the ladies there, I never imagined really returning there. I took that as another sign that I was supposed to be in Florida. Funny how life works sometimes.
Friday, July 6, 2012
Okay, Universe...Let's Try This Again
Well, its back to plugging away for my next career opportunity. It is disappointing to get sooooo close, but not close enough. I have a few more job interviews yet, so please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. These are still great opportunities and bring their own strengths. And there may be some opportunities to come on the horizon. It is not easy to find full-time employment in this economy. With my last attempt I was 1 of 10 interviewed out of 1,500 applicants. They said that they anticipate growth in their department and would like to hold onto my resume. Slowly getting closer and holding onto hope. In my heart I feel like I am on a path of where I am supposed to be, and I know I will be fantastic.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Staying the Course of my own Journey
Have you ever driven down a road where you can see that it runs parallel to another road by the traffic off in the distance? I'm thinking back to my days of college at Bowling Green in Ohio where it is pretty flat and you can see the semi-trucks or the occasional car across the spread of corn betweeen I-75 and state route 23. You sometimes notice the other vehicles in the corner of your eye and other times, even if you know they are there, you almost forget they are out there. Then eventually, a town interupts the view or a bend comes along one road and the other just fades away. It becomes no longer relevant because it has nothing to where you are now and where you are going.
I feel the two roads are a good visual representation in letting go of the dream. It is not at all that I long for that other life again, but that it is mourning what had been and more so a life of what could have been. Initially, it was something that loomed so heavily and I couldn't help but compare where I was and all that had been so carefully planned. Then slowly I began to notice it less as I focused on the new road that I was taking with all of its new adventures and challenges.
I've known that that dream has long died, but finding out that my ex has remarried serves as another reminder with another layer of grief with this whole process of regaining my life. It is forcing me to say good-bye to the dream yet again when I already thought I had done that. But then again, I carried a small fear of wondering how I would feel if I heard that he had married again, especially to that woman. I didn't dwell on it, but felt like I would deal with it if and when it came. That moment is now and all I can do is be honest and patient with myself in allowing me to feel what it is that I need to feel so that I can continue to move forward. I can better identify why I have felt so sad and angy, and now it is a matter of my heart catching up to my head. It is not easy watching a dream die, even if I know it really is for the better. I feel this undercurrent of emotions that just have to pass with time and acceptance. To borrow a familiar line from the children's book, Going on a Bear Hunt , and suggested by my friend, Julie, "Can't go over it. Can't go under it. Gotta go through it!"
And part of me is okay with him remarrying first because despite whoever would do it first, I imagine this process of grief would still take place. At least I get to digest it all on my own and separate from a day so special as a wedding day, a day that is supposed to be full of happiness and love. In facing this loss now, I hope that if/when I do get married that it will free me to focus in sharing my day of happiness entirely with the person I love. I am happy to gain more distance from that road that might have been before committing myself to share in a life with another person. I want to be in a place to fully embrace a new dream.
I feel the two roads are a good visual representation in letting go of the dream. It is not at all that I long for that other life again, but that it is mourning what had been and more so a life of what could have been. Initially, it was something that loomed so heavily and I couldn't help but compare where I was and all that had been so carefully planned. Then slowly I began to notice it less as I focused on the new road that I was taking with all of its new adventures and challenges.
I've known that that dream has long died, but finding out that my ex has remarried serves as another reminder with another layer of grief with this whole process of regaining my life. It is forcing me to say good-bye to the dream yet again when I already thought I had done that. But then again, I carried a small fear of wondering how I would feel if I heard that he had married again, especially to that woman. I didn't dwell on it, but felt like I would deal with it if and when it came. That moment is now and all I can do is be honest and patient with myself in allowing me to feel what it is that I need to feel so that I can continue to move forward. I can better identify why I have felt so sad and angy, and now it is a matter of my heart catching up to my head. It is not easy watching a dream die, even if I know it really is for the better. I feel this undercurrent of emotions that just have to pass with time and acceptance. To borrow a familiar line from the children's book, Going on a Bear Hunt , and suggested by my friend, Julie, "Can't go over it. Can't go under it. Gotta go through it!"
And part of me is okay with him remarrying first because despite whoever would do it first, I imagine this process of grief would still take place. At least I get to digest it all on my own and separate from a day so special as a wedding day, a day that is supposed to be full of happiness and love. In facing this loss now, I hope that if/when I do get married that it will free me to focus in sharing my day of happiness entirely with the person I love. I am happy to gain more distance from that road that might have been before committing myself to share in a life with another person. I want to be in a place to fully embrace a new dream.
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Sorting Out a Hot Mess
I don't even know where to begin.
Just when I felt like I was getting to that processing point in finding the words and discovering the reasons behind some very significant recent feelings, I am hit with a wall. Being in Columbus has allowed me to do some serious reflecting, for which I am thankful. But what the heck am I supposed to do with this information? Am I in some state of denial? Am I going to feel worse tomorrow morning, in the coming week or month? Will this tsunami of new information come back and test the strength and forgiveness that I have tried to build?
Enter the lovely Facebook...
My ex married the w----*.
Today as I happened across an old friend my ex and I shared, I noticed this friend looked happy and was dressed nicely in a suit. I was thinking, "He must have had a friend get married, how nice." I then thought I would see if his wife, also an old friend, was on his list of friends just to be nosey and to look at the profile pictures. (Honestly, I was curious to see if they were still together because it seemed like they might have been having relationship troubles around the time my relationship with my ex hit the fan. I am very happy they are still together.) As I was scrolling down the list, there popped up the wedding photo as her profile picture.
I was not expecting this. A few of the last words my ex said in my presence were, "I am NEVER getting married again."
I had never known what she had looked like. And I liked it that way.
Stupid, stupid, stupid. My intention was not to probe into his life. I was taking a walk down memory lane, just missing a few people who had been in my life for fourteen years.
It was weird. As I looked at the picture, they looked happy and had they been strangers to me I probably would have thought that they looked like two people who seemed to go together.
And it hurt because it is not easy to think of myself as so replaceable. My next thought was that he has definitely moved on with his life.
Argh! And just when I was getting to a place where I was not comparing the milestones in our lives as a measure of success in my life and letting go of feeling like it was less. I was (and am trying to hold onto) being better able to just let that all go. His life doesn't matter. Focus on myself and be thankful for all of the good in my life right now.
And despite all of the growth that I have made in the last few weeks**, I feel guilty for not being in a place to feel happy for him. I don't wish him harm or for bad things in his life. I have just been feeling at peace--just kind of neutral--you live your life and I will live mine. I don't know if I can feel happy for him. I'm not there yet. How could he have moved on so quickly? It's not about him. What's so wrong with me? And I don't want to hear that if this is what makes him happy that it was meant to be. Then why did I love him for all of those years?
Let it go.
(Important Note: When I originally created my Facebook page, I immediately blocked my ex. I wanted to minimize the chances of him knowing about my life and I had no interest in knowing about his. I knew her name and attempted to block her, but she did not have an account. Blocked a few other ex-in-laws and had not messed with the edits since.)
**Highlights from the previous weeks leading into learning this news...
So, in coming to Columbus for the summer, I have been reconnecting with some friends and getting back in touch with some old classmates. Feeling a bit nostalgic, I've been scoping out Facebook a bit more and it has been fun. And really, where it had sometimes been tough seeing people from my past with their families and children, in talking with them I am really happy for them. It is a very healthy thing.
Part of that I contribute to moving to a place where I can dream again--for myself and in my life. Last weekend, RJ and I went to a bunch of yard sales. I love roaming around a neighborhood yard sale with him. As we were out and about, we went into a couple of homes that were having open houses. RJ wanted to check one out to see how they were restoring the house, as it was in progress. It was fun to appreciate the workmanship. Then I was curious about another house, not wanting to lead the realtor on, but just a peek. It gave me a hint of what a house can cost in the area and how much home you can get and in what condition. It was the first time that I realized that I could really one day own a home again. I think given what I hope to have as an income when I get a job, I think I could one day swing getting a nice, little house. And I think it was important to view this as a possibility that I could potentially do on my own--in the way to know that I will be able to support myself and not rely on having to be with someone to do this. This is NOT a slight against RJ. If anything, I see this as me being able to have more to contribute if we consider more in sharing a future together.
It was refreshing to catch myself in that moment of dreaming and playfully considering the possibilities of my future, especially in such a positive way. It helps me to focus on me and to be thankful for what I have in my life and to not measure my life experiences with those of others. As my friend Karen said, "We each have to make our own happy." And that freedom to accept and appreciate my life allows me to enjoy more fully what others have in their lives for those who have meaning in my life. Again, a very good thing.
Then getting back to that nostalgic bug, Columbus has a lot of selection in music stations on the radio. There are several that play music that reminds me of high school and college. As much as I have tried to fight it, I have been thinking about my ex a bit more. Not in that way where I miss him or want to be with him, but just wandering thoughts of some of the good that we experienced together. I have felt very sad, but it has also been nice not to have vengeful or ugly thoughts related to him (*Oops, that one slipped.). In thinking about it, I wondered if I might be coming to a better place in reaching another level of forgiveness with him in letting go of the bad and the hurt. I am tired of feeling angry and maybe this was a sign that I am turning that corner or something has lifted. Many times I wondered if I could ever look back on the relationship with any kind of positive regard or if it had all been ruined in that my life during that period had been for nothing and a complete waste. But I decided that maybe how I was feeling recently was showing me that there was some good there and it was not all for naught, that there is meaning that I can positively take away for myself from that experience.
And with this new realization and acceptance I feel like I can better move forward in my life, especially in allowing my self to dream and in my relationship with RJ. Letting go helps me to be free and to have that space to enjoy more of life. It gives me better clarity as I work towards deeper resolve and acceptance. I am living my life for me! (Darn it!)
I just hope that I can hold onto that strength and level of forgiveness. I don't know how I will feel tomorrow or the coming days. I have a feeling that I may be in for experiencing a bit of an emotional hangover. Blughhhhh...
Just when I felt like I was getting to that processing point in finding the words and discovering the reasons behind some very significant recent feelings, I am hit with a wall. Being in Columbus has allowed me to do some serious reflecting, for which I am thankful. But what the heck am I supposed to do with this information? Am I in some state of denial? Am I going to feel worse tomorrow morning, in the coming week or month? Will this tsunami of new information come back and test the strength and forgiveness that I have tried to build?
Enter the lovely Facebook...
My ex married the w----*.
Today as I happened across an old friend my ex and I shared, I noticed this friend looked happy and was dressed nicely in a suit. I was thinking, "He must have had a friend get married, how nice." I then thought I would see if his wife, also an old friend, was on his list of friends just to be nosey and to look at the profile pictures. (Honestly, I was curious to see if they were still together because it seemed like they might have been having relationship troubles around the time my relationship with my ex hit the fan. I am very happy they are still together.) As I was scrolling down the list, there popped up the wedding photo as her profile picture.
I was not expecting this. A few of the last words my ex said in my presence were, "I am NEVER getting married again."
I had never known what she had looked like. And I liked it that way.
Stupid, stupid, stupid. My intention was not to probe into his life. I was taking a walk down memory lane, just missing a few people who had been in my life for fourteen years.
It was weird. As I looked at the picture, they looked happy and had they been strangers to me I probably would have thought that they looked like two people who seemed to go together.
And it hurt because it is not easy to think of myself as so replaceable. My next thought was that he has definitely moved on with his life.
Argh! And just when I was getting to a place where I was not comparing the milestones in our lives as a measure of success in my life and letting go of feeling like it was less. I was (and am trying to hold onto) being better able to just let that all go. His life doesn't matter. Focus on myself and be thankful for all of the good in my life right now.
And despite all of the growth that I have made in the last few weeks**, I feel guilty for not being in a place to feel happy for him. I don't wish him harm or for bad things in his life. I have just been feeling at peace--just kind of neutral--you live your life and I will live mine. I don't know if I can feel happy for him. I'm not there yet. How could he have moved on so quickly? It's not about him. What's so wrong with me? And I don't want to hear that if this is what makes him happy that it was meant to be. Then why did I love him for all of those years?
Let it go.
(Important Note: When I originally created my Facebook page, I immediately blocked my ex. I wanted to minimize the chances of him knowing about my life and I had no interest in knowing about his. I knew her name and attempted to block her, but she did not have an account. Blocked a few other ex-in-laws and had not messed with the edits since.)
**Highlights from the previous weeks leading into learning this news...
So, in coming to Columbus for the summer, I have been reconnecting with some friends and getting back in touch with some old classmates. Feeling a bit nostalgic, I've been scoping out Facebook a bit more and it has been fun. And really, where it had sometimes been tough seeing people from my past with their families and children, in talking with them I am really happy for them. It is a very healthy thing.
Part of that I contribute to moving to a place where I can dream again--for myself and in my life. Last weekend, RJ and I went to a bunch of yard sales. I love roaming around a neighborhood yard sale with him. As we were out and about, we went into a couple of homes that were having open houses. RJ wanted to check one out to see how they were restoring the house, as it was in progress. It was fun to appreciate the workmanship. Then I was curious about another house, not wanting to lead the realtor on, but just a peek. It gave me a hint of what a house can cost in the area and how much home you can get and in what condition. It was the first time that I realized that I could really one day own a home again. I think given what I hope to have as an income when I get a job, I think I could one day swing getting a nice, little house. And I think it was important to view this as a possibility that I could potentially do on my own--in the way to know that I will be able to support myself and not rely on having to be with someone to do this. This is NOT a slight against RJ. If anything, I see this as me being able to have more to contribute if we consider more in sharing a future together.
It was refreshing to catch myself in that moment of dreaming and playfully considering the possibilities of my future, especially in such a positive way. It helps me to focus on me and to be thankful for what I have in my life and to not measure my life experiences with those of others. As my friend Karen said, "We each have to make our own happy." And that freedom to accept and appreciate my life allows me to enjoy more fully what others have in their lives for those who have meaning in my life. Again, a very good thing.
Then getting back to that nostalgic bug, Columbus has a lot of selection in music stations on the radio. There are several that play music that reminds me of high school and college. As much as I have tried to fight it, I have been thinking about my ex a bit more. Not in that way where I miss him or want to be with him, but just wandering thoughts of some of the good that we experienced together. I have felt very sad, but it has also been nice not to have vengeful or ugly thoughts related to him (*Oops, that one slipped.). In thinking about it, I wondered if I might be coming to a better place in reaching another level of forgiveness with him in letting go of the bad and the hurt. I am tired of feeling angry and maybe this was a sign that I am turning that corner or something has lifted. Many times I wondered if I could ever look back on the relationship with any kind of positive regard or if it had all been ruined in that my life during that period had been for nothing and a complete waste. But I decided that maybe how I was feeling recently was showing me that there was some good there and it was not all for naught, that there is meaning that I can positively take away for myself from that experience.
And with this new realization and acceptance I feel like I can better move forward in my life, especially in allowing my self to dream and in my relationship with RJ. Letting go helps me to be free and to have that space to enjoy more of life. It gives me better clarity as I work towards deeper resolve and acceptance. I am living my life for me! (Darn it!)
I just hope that I can hold onto that strength and level of forgiveness. I don't know how I will feel tomorrow or the coming days. I have a feeling that I may be in for experiencing a bit of an emotional hangover. Blughhhhh...
Sunday, May 2, 2010
NIAW
Well, National Infertility Awareness Week is coming to a close. To be honest, I would not have known had I not been reading the blogs of my fellow IFers. I know, it may be weird to still think of myself as an IFer, but it will always be a part me. And it sucks, especially feeling left so very far behind or falling into an "other" category. But I try not to think about it too much, especially since there is no point in worrying about it since it may not apply to the future me. So, I just tuck it into the back of my mind in the way of honoring something important from my past, but not as something as part of my future.
As I was reading the posts from the ladies "on the other side" I felt better that they have not forgotten. Not that I would ever think they would forget for a moment. I think it takes strength for these women to reflect back on their experiences and to show their hearts, especially to those who have not yet become mothers. It is a window of hope--life continues on and it will be okay. It speaks to this place of being able to reflect back on a very difficult, dark period in your life, when it might have felt inconceivable that there could ever be any happiness or fulfillment, and to be grateful to be on the other side at last--to be able to believe in life's possibilities and to be able to dream again.
As for me, the most important thing that has come from the IF experience was meeting a wonderful, loving, supportive, strong community of women. We really created something beautiful from our group and I am proud to call these women my friends. These are women who will forever be a part of my life and I am eternally grateful for what they have done for me.
Cheers to Carli, Katie, Melissa G., Melissa P., Kerri, Ellie, Lau, Des, Trisha, HP08, Rose, Alie, Lee, Heather, and Ginny. I love you ladies!!!
As I was reading the posts from the ladies "on the other side" I felt better that they have not forgotten. Not that I would ever think they would forget for a moment. I think it takes strength for these women to reflect back on their experiences and to show their hearts, especially to those who have not yet become mothers. It is a window of hope--life continues on and it will be okay. It speaks to this place of being able to reflect back on a very difficult, dark period in your life, when it might have felt inconceivable that there could ever be any happiness or fulfillment, and to be grateful to be on the other side at last--to be able to believe in life's possibilities and to be able to dream again.
As for me, the most important thing that has come from the IF experience was meeting a wonderful, loving, supportive, strong community of women. We really created something beautiful from our group and I am proud to call these women my friends. These are women who will forever be a part of my life and I am eternally grateful for what they have done for me.
Cheers to Carli, Katie, Melissa G., Melissa P., Kerri, Ellie, Lau, Des, Trisha, HP08, Rose, Alie, Lee, Heather, and Ginny. I love you ladies!!!
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
So, How Did I Come About the Title for My Blog?
Well, it comes in two parts...
The "Hope Floats" comes from the movie--which I love--and sob my eyes out anytime I watch it. Sandra Bullock is one of my favorite actresses. And who doesn't love to look at Harry Connick, Jr.? Or listen to him talk? Or sing? But more so, I can relate to the storyline in coming to terms with life just isn't going to happen the way I thought it would and how to rebuild when it came tumbling down. The love and support of family and friends goes a long way. And it is when you are at your lowest that you really find out who your real friends are and just how strong your relationships are with the people in your life. I have been very blessed with the many amazing people in my life--those who I have known for years, those who I have met recently along the way, and those who I continue to meet.
And I think one quote in the movie stands out, if it isn't already obvious.
"Childhood is what you spend the rest of your life trying to overcome. That's what momma always says. She says that beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts the most. Try to remember that when you find yourself at a new beginning. Just give hope a chance to float up. And it will..." ~ Birdee Pruitt, in the movie Hope Floats
I've held onto hope and continue to do so. I pray to God to let me hold onto hope and for it to still be alive in me when I just don't think I can take any more or get any lower. As my life was continuing to turn upside down and sideways and upside down again, I'd ask God to give me the strength to trust and believe that it would all turn out okay. And with some of the blows that came my way, I would sometimes turn to a friend and say, half chuckling/half holding back the tears, so just when you didn't think it could get any worse...it just did! (There were many "it's funny, but it's not" moments and I had to try to find the humor somewhere in it because sometimes you are just tired of crying.) And then there were/are the moments that all I could/can do was/is cry. At one point, I felt like my life was in a constant free fall and I was just waiting to finally hit bottom. I held onto hope that eventually, I would get to that place so that I could start coming back to the top.
I would say that I am not completely sure about the strength of where I am standing right now in my life. Someone said to me, you might be thinking you see the light at the end of the tunnel, but you are just hoping it is not a train. I don't know what it is...a little voice of doubt, a pause, or cautious optimism...but I try to put it aside and trust in God that it will all be alright and refocus on the blessings in my life. I have a much better sense and understanding of what it means to give it up to God and to just keep going and do the best I can each day by making the most of it.
The "Cherry Blossoms" comes from an evolving symbol that is meaningful to me. Actually, at one point I had considered getting a tattoo while in the middle of some of the more messy points in this chapter in my life. But then again, tattoos are so permanent and I am not a big fan of pain. But I had put a lot of thought into it as far as if I were ever to get a tattoo, what would I pick? (Of course, I would not want something cartoony. It would have to be more delicate and watercolor/sketchy in an artistic kind of nature.)
So, I thought about my heritage and what symbols may be relatable there. I looked up some Irish inspired tattoos. They seemed a bit harsh for my taste, but many had a nature theme. I tried to look up Finish symbols and was not having much luck. But what few symbols I could find, not necessarily tattoos, also followed a nature type theme. I also looked up symbols for words that seemed to hold some significance for me. I liked the idea of rebirth, renewal, and sisu. Sisu is a Finnish word for a concept or quality to describe inner determination. Then, I thought about something I had read talking about the parallels between the Finnish and Japanese cultures. So, I started to look up Japanese symbols and it was the cherry blossom that spoke to me. It represents renewal with its blossoms and the timing of spring. The color green in the leaf sprouts that accompany the flowering branches hint at what is to come and touch on hope.
So there it is! My inspiration for the title of my blog!
The "Hope Floats" comes from the movie--which I love--and sob my eyes out anytime I watch it. Sandra Bullock is one of my favorite actresses. And who doesn't love to look at Harry Connick, Jr.? Or listen to him talk? Or sing? But more so, I can relate to the storyline in coming to terms with life just isn't going to happen the way I thought it would and how to rebuild when it came tumbling down. The love and support of family and friends goes a long way. And it is when you are at your lowest that you really find out who your real friends are and just how strong your relationships are with the people in your life. I have been very blessed with the many amazing people in my life--those who I have known for years, those who I have met recently along the way, and those who I continue to meet.
And I think one quote in the movie stands out, if it isn't already obvious.
"Childhood is what you spend the rest of your life trying to overcome. That's what momma always says. She says that beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts the most. Try to remember that when you find yourself at a new beginning. Just give hope a chance to float up. And it will..." ~ Birdee Pruitt, in the movie Hope Floats
I've held onto hope and continue to do so. I pray to God to let me hold onto hope and for it to still be alive in me when I just don't think I can take any more or get any lower. As my life was continuing to turn upside down and sideways and upside down again, I'd ask God to give me the strength to trust and believe that it would all turn out okay. And with some of the blows that came my way, I would sometimes turn to a friend and say, half chuckling/half holding back the tears, so just when you didn't think it could get any worse...it just did! (There were many "it's funny, but it's not" moments and I had to try to find the humor somewhere in it because sometimes you are just tired of crying.) And then there were/are the moments that all I could/can do was/is cry. At one point, I felt like my life was in a constant free fall and I was just waiting to finally hit bottom. I held onto hope that eventually, I would get to that place so that I could start coming back to the top.
I would say that I am not completely sure about the strength of where I am standing right now in my life. Someone said to me, you might be thinking you see the light at the end of the tunnel, but you are just hoping it is not a train. I don't know what it is...a little voice of doubt, a pause, or cautious optimism...but I try to put it aside and trust in God that it will all be alright and refocus on the blessings in my life. I have a much better sense and understanding of what it means to give it up to God and to just keep going and do the best I can each day by making the most of it.
The "Cherry Blossoms" comes from an evolving symbol that is meaningful to me. Actually, at one point I had considered getting a tattoo while in the middle of some of the more messy points in this chapter in my life. But then again, tattoos are so permanent and I am not a big fan of pain. But I had put a lot of thought into it as far as if I were ever to get a tattoo, what would I pick? (Of course, I would not want something cartoony. It would have to be more delicate and watercolor/sketchy in an artistic kind of nature.)
So, I thought about my heritage and what symbols may be relatable there. I looked up some Irish inspired tattoos. They seemed a bit harsh for my taste, but many had a nature theme. I tried to look up Finish symbols and was not having much luck. But what few symbols I could find, not necessarily tattoos, also followed a nature type theme. I also looked up symbols for words that seemed to hold some significance for me. I liked the idea of rebirth, renewal, and sisu. Sisu is a Finnish word for a concept or quality to describe inner determination. Then, I thought about something I had read talking about the parallels between the Finnish and Japanese cultures. So, I started to look up Japanese symbols and it was the cherry blossom that spoke to me. It represents renewal with its blossoms and the timing of spring. The color green in the leaf sprouts that accompany the flowering branches hint at what is to come and touch on hope.
So there it is! My inspiration for the title of my blog!
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