Elephant in the Room

Before I started my blog, I found support for IF through a Baby Center forum group.  Each of the ladies that I met there has been successful in expanding their families, which I am sincerely happy for them.  Several of the ladies have even been fortunate to have more than one child.  Overtime as families started to grow, people transitioned away from the forum.  But, many have maintained a connection through Facebook.  It brings me joy to see them happy with their children.  They glow in their love for their children and families.  You can tell from their posts that they are very grateful and do not take for granted their blessings.  Life carries on and life brings challenges, but they handle it with strength and grace.

However, with being in different places in our lives, there has grown some distance.  It is natural to happen.  It is the ebb and flow of time and where we are in life.  But, it can be very lonely being the last of the group without a child.  When the last person had their baby a few years ago, I felt very sad and even jealous and angry at times.  I didn't write about it then because I did not feel like openly having a pitty party for me.  There may have been an entry that had a sentence or two that referenced it.  I edited it out because I did not want to hurt anyone's feelings or push them away.  But, the distance continued to expand either way.  I'm sure there are many reasons.  Sometimes people just have to move on to do their healing from IF.  Priorities obviously and rightfully shift.  There is more common ground with those who are also in the life stage of raising children.

As much as I don't want it to, it hurts.  Sometimes it is more and sometimes it is less.  More often than not, it is less now, but it has taken time.  Then I wonder, when will be the day when everyone is done growing their families?  Will I still be without a child?  Has that day already come to pass?  That will not really be known for quite sometime.  It will just silently happen and only to be determined by looking back to see when it was.

At least I feel like I am in a better place of acceptance now than when I first realized I was the last of the group without child.  And I have found other blogs to read, some parenting after IF, some trying to grow their families and some that are childfree.  Always new people to meet along the way.  Just not sure which way it will be for me.

Shower Shopping

For the most part, I have made huge strides in buying baby shower gifts and what I like to call yay you were born gifts.  I will often buy a small gift for a family member or friend who has recently had a baby.  I try to give it to them in person when visiting with them and their newborn.  But with having family and friends all over the place, I will sometimes mail packages.


So, as I was going out to shop for a friend's baby shower, T~ asked to go with me since it is a mutual couple friend.  I thought that was very sweet.  He was kind of excited to go shopping and pick something out, especially since her husband was surprising her with doing the nursery.


The couple had done the registry and shopped for the crib together, but he did everything else in putting it all together.  And because they had a variety of things, her husband really could have gone in several directions.  I really liked the eclectic feel of the registry and that it wasn't just one solid theme.  It was a mix of monkeys, giraffes and sports with blues, greens and browns.  The nursery turned out super cute!  It felt like a little boy's room with room for him to grow into the person he will become.


But, I had that twinge of sadness while T~ and I were shopping.  Many times it is a brief, quickly passing sadness--felt and gone within a breath.  But on that day, I felt a bit more of the sting and I soon just wanted to get the shopping done.  When we printed out the registry, I saw the list included giraffe themed items.  I love giraffes.  I always hoped to sneak them in when I had hoped for a baby.  I felt sad because these were items that I would have loved picking out or buying for my baby.  Then, it was rare to see giraffe items, but now they are all over the place.


T~ was excited when he saw the giraffe baby things and said we should buy those since I like giraffes.  I believe his thinking was that there would be a connection and appreciation with the giraffe items coming from me.  I did not say anything, but I almost wanted to buy anything but the giraffe things.  So, I suggested browsing around at a bunch of things and see what we liked.  It turned out that the store happened not to be stocked with everything on the list so it made it difficult to buy several items from one of the several themes.  It was a bit of a relief, so we bought a variety of items.  One of them included giraffes, so that was more within my comfort zone and I could ease back into enjoying the shopping trip instead of feeling like it was another chore.  And I was even more pleased once I saw the nursery since it was a nice balance of everything.

Back to School

Labor Day has come and gone.  The last of the flurry of pictures and posts of the first day of school pics has just about wrapped up from the last few weeks.  Lots of proud Moms and Dads.  I am happy for my friends and family.  But, I am tired of feeling sad.  It's not just the baby pictures.  But even more as of late, seeing my friends and family send their children off to school makes me feel like my dream of a child is shrinking and so far away.

The twins would have been in Kindergarten.

Microblog Mondays

It Became Real When I Called My Mom

"No, Mom," I calmly paused to let the words be taken in and to allow myself to take a patient breath. "My body cannot naturally carry a child.  I should be able to get pregnant, but my body does not produce enough of the right hormone to sustain a pregnancy."

And then my mom sobbed into the phone and the biting sadness of it finally felt real.

There have been times in my life when I wanted to cry, but it just would not come out.  It could have been shock, denial or just plain stuck deep within me.  But I know that pause within myself and know it is only a matter of time before it all comes tumbling out.  And when it does, there is some relief in the release.

It was in May when it was seriously brought to my attention that there could be another reason why it was taking so long for my arm to heal from its injury in September.  It seemed that I had frozen shoulder, which usually occurs in older women and my medical providers were confused because I am younger than the typical onset age for such slowed healing and that I am in good shape and exercise regularly.  It was narrowed down to three possibilities--diabetes, early menopause or hypothyroidism.  So, I did some follow-up with an endocrinologist and my Ob/Gyn in late May and early June.  

Thankfully it is not diabetes or early menopause.  However, I have borderline hypothyroidism.  Right now I do not need medication to treat it as far as daily living goes.  But, the endocrinologist's nurse practitioner warned that if I wanted to get pregnant, I should come in to start medication otherwise I greatly risk losing the baby.  She was getting ready to gently, but firmly, lecture me on why it is important to take this medical advisement into consideration and that the risk is real.  I kindly interrupted her and shared briefly about my past experiences with IF.  While in the past it was related to my previous spouse's health and not mine, I was fully appreciative of the seriousness of the situation.  She paused and backed off some and said usually people do not really get it and she is trying to protect them from getting hurt because they often come in for the medication once they find out they are pregnant, but by then it is often too late to sustain the pregnancy.  She was doing her job.  I'm just glad that she listened to me.

Even though this seems to be a medically manageable situation and there could be worse news, it still has its own heaviness and sadness.  Some of the spontaneity of trying to have a baby feels lost.  If or when that time comes, it will not be as easy as just kind of going for it.  It will have to be planned, an appointment scheduled and then a follow-up before really trying.  It is also another obstacle on top of my age.  It's not turn my world upside down kind of news.  It more like the deflating of a balloon.  

And it is important for me to be able to recognize that feeling.  Just give me a moment.  I am also a little sad because things have been going well with T~ and me.  As I have been allowing myself to daydream about a possible future together, part of that has included the possibility of a child.  Just as I feel like I'm getting to a place in my life that the possibility of having my own family could maybe happen, this news shakes that up.  A tremor, not an earthquake, but still unsettling in its own way.  As the years tick by, I've almost been somewhat preparing myself to accept if I am not to have a child how to have happiness and fulfillment in my life as it is.  Then as things have been unfolding with T~, the dreams of a child, a family awaken again.  Straddling these two worlds is not easy.  And this recent news with my health has a bit of a dampening effect.

However, on the flip side of this news, if I were to try to have a child, at least I can be proactive about it.  Having this information will save some heartache had I been trying and not been successful.  And of the diagnoses out there, this one seems to be a bit more manageable...maybe, I have not tried or done the research, but that is what I am hoping.  Also, there are no antibodies, meaning that I had always had this condition or was predisposed to it.  Sometimes you can not have it, but if a parent does, then your body will create antibodies, which will eventually turn and attack your thyroid and then you develop hypothyroidism.  Long story short, for me I find some comfort knowing this has always been present and it is not like if I had tried getting pregnant when I was younger that would have changed things too much.  I would have been angry if I learned that I could have become pregnant had I not been with my previous spouse for so long.  He made a lot of hurtful claims at the end of our relationship that he was never serious about the marriage and really did not care about having children.

But most of all, I am thankful that I could talk to T~ about it.  We have had conversations in the past about not taking either of our fertility for granted.  He remains positive and said that he is open to adoption, as he has said in the past.  I truly believe him and I think T~ is the kind of man who could love any child and call them one of his own.  As T~ has said before and continues to say it, love is what makes a family.

Bones Tell No Lie

I'm a clutz.  It is not uncommon for me to fumble and bumble around.  As a teacher, it was quite hazardous for me in my first grade classroom with all of the little furniture because I would frequently bump into the low desks and chairs.  My shins had just as many bruises as some of my kids at times.

A few weeks ago at work, I fell on the stairs and injured my foot and shoulder.  I seem to be healing slowly and had a recheck appointment today.  A PA saw me this time and asked how old I was.  He said he was surprised because he said that I looked much younger.  Then the PA decided an x-ray would be good to see how things were looking on the inside.  After it was completed, he asked me again about my age.  He said, "Wow, you look very good for 36, but your bones definitely look 36 showing the normal deterioration."

I always felt blessed in looking younger and being in pretty good shape.  But, I think it has been what I've held onto for hope that maybe my body seeming to be in extra good health could help me borrow a few years and maybe the stats wouldn't apply to me.  If my bones look 36 and are showing the signs of aging, what else is clearly 36?  Have I just been fooling myself into thinking I've got more time or better quality (you know, eggs)?  Have my healthy habits and healthy living been for naught?  Today I'm feeling a greater urgency to have a baby.  I'm tired of seeing all of the pregnant people at work.  They are everywhere!  Seriously, there have been like twelve.  I feel sad and don't want to miss my chance.  Today I feel like time and opportunity are slipping away.

And I feel horrible about it all because I should be enjoying the relationship I do have.  Patience and not wishing time away in the hopes for the next step and the next step and the next step can be difficult sometimes.  I don't want to be ungrateful.  I want to be happy and satisfied for what I do have.

The Sting of Longing

The other day, another one of my coworkers asked me if I had any children.

Then later, as I was carrying a baby doll with a medical play preparation kit down the hall, someone remarked how natural I looked carrying the baby.

My heart broke a little bit...

with a combination of old, dull hurts and a seemingly semi-silly longing.

And I wonder if I am getting better at hiding it.

It has been suggested that I take it as a compliment and that people only mean well.  But it still doesn't take away the initial sting.  It takes a conscious effort to pause, breathe and mentally let it pass as it is replaced by a drifting, distant sadness where I try to feign normalcy.

Moments of Mourning

Yesterday was an unexpectedly bad day.  But then, maybe not.  Maybe I've been trying to hold the emotions at bay, or maybe I've been distancing them until I could make sense of them.

Mother's Day is coming and my mind has been on the twins.  They would be three by now.

As I was driving to work, I just could not stop crying.  The tears rolled down my cheeks and I just let them come and wash over me...while on this rare occasion being thankful for the traffic along my way to work that extended my drive to a long 45 minutes.

I hate feeling so sick about Mother's Day.  On top of that, add a layer of guilt.  I will not be spending the day with my mom because she is working all day and lives in a different state.  But my  mom said not to worry because it is like she is getting two Mother's Days this year.  I was with my family last weekend celebrating my sister's college graduation.  (Yea, Kara!)  Then, I will be returning to Cleveland to run in the half-marathon and going to my god daughter's birthday party next weekend.  So, all good family time.  :)

Today was better.  Maybe some of it is out of my system.  I felt frustrated because March came and went without the emotional roller coaster this year.  I took this as a sign of progress.  It is not to say that I don't think about them, but it didn't hurt so much...until yesterday.  I miss and grieve the opportunity to be their mother.  My heart aches and I so want to be a mother.  I know I would be a good mother.  But I just don't only want children.  I want a child to share with a man with whom I love, in a life that we build together...and that would be a blessing because the relationship is the priority.

And I need to be patient with myself.  Grief is a process.  It will always be there, but less each time it surfaces while showing new meaning or taking a different shape.  Feel it, embrace it, honor it and then let it go again and again.

So, I take down those hopes for having a child and put them on another shelf while I continue to reorganize my life.  I need to be able to take care of myself first...have a full-time job.  Then I need to have the space to meet someone special with time to nurture the relationship.  And I go back to the grind of searching and finding that next place in my career.  I've been working really hard and meeting a lot of great people doing great things for children in the hospital and educational fields.  Something has to open up soon.

Bad News

Why is it that with really bad news that I am always really caught off guard? I just found it so silly when my dad called me this morning and just said he was on his way to come and visit. Yesterday Mom said he would call and just see if I was still up for it. But I was eager for him to come, even though I really wanted them both to be here. I was hoping to set up a time for them both to come as I have been feeling a little frustrated that Mom seems to be working so much lately. But now I know.

When Dad first told me about it, I was in shock. Breast cancer was the farthest thing from my mind, especially given all of her other health problems. My first thought was, "Please, God, don't let my mom die."

Dad says it is very treatable and that the doctors consider it to be more like living with a chronic illness. They said it is important to remain positive. I just don't know how to do that right now. I dread my mom having to undergo possible surgery, chemo and radiation. I don't want her to suffer or to be in pain and it is inevitable.

It's not fair. Mom is supposed to do her clinicals this year to get her LPN degree. That looks like it is going to be completely off the table, whether Mom wants to accept that right now or not. She and Dad have seemed to have a stronger and healthier relationship than they have in years. This is going to add a lot of stress on them and their relationship. It makes me feel so very sad and scared. I don't know what to do to help. I don't want my mom to die. I want to be stubborn and not think that that will happen. But I also don't want to see her loose a breast or her hair. She shouldn't have to go through that. And it sucks because it may have been prompted to come about faster because of the Embrel--a drug that had brought her so much relief from her psoriasis. I don't want that to get all out of control now either. It just really, really sucks.

And then there is that selfish part of me--the part that thinks about myself. This is not a good time for me with all that is going on in my life. It is all just another thing that is sucking away my focus on what I need to be doing. I am angry because I want to be there to support my mom, while I am freaked out about how I am going to be able to manage it all.

I wonder what other crappy thing is out there waiting for me with that superstitious everything comes in three's. I found out my ex got remarried, my mom has cancer, and I don't want to stomach what will be next. When and where is that moment of peace? I think that is why I miss last summer so much. And there was another piece of it somewhere around the first of December.