Meaning Making

There was an article I read a bit ago that my sister posted on fb, but it has since dropped from her timeline and I do not remember the name of it.  It was talking about some research that was done about how people find happiness in their lives.  The article described three ways that people draw happiness into their lives.

• Participating in activities that bring a person pleasure.  It is indulgent on the senses.
• Spending time with family and friends in ways that cultivate healthy, positive relationships that are fulfilling.  It is about quality social engagement.
• Engaging in work that is satisfying and meaningful and contributes to something larger than themselves as an individual.  This may be through work or volunteering in the community.

The article explained that the first one seemed more surface and that the second two seemed to garner greater depth of happiness.  That seems to make sense.  It easily falls in line with the theories about external and internal motivation and how internal motivation is more powerful.  But, it also doesn't mean that there is only one way to embrace happiness in life. There are multiple sources and it may be good to have a mix of them, too.  But, I also think about what is within your control.  If one of these options is less within your control, it could become a source of frustration.  Maybe when things get out of control, then it may be time to take a healthy step back and seek happiness with one of the other avenues.  A person may be drawn more to one of these sources to experience happiness, but a person does not to have to confine themselves to only one way.  It may be healthy to stretch oneself to experience pleasure from something that may be slightly away from the usual source of comfort.

I've been thinking a lot about my personal happiness and desire to make meaning with my life.  It's back to legacy building and I want my life and my time here to have meant something.  I'm not sure if I will have the opportunity to have a child, so I search for something else in which to pour my heart and soul.  Just in case motherhood does not happen for me, I feel compelled to do something with myself in the mean time, just in case.

It has been five years this month when everything came crashing down around me.  The mess was well within the works, but it was in the fall just before Halloween that the surreal became my harsh, cruel reality.  Five years of rebuilding...going back to school, juggling several part-time jobs, searching for a new job, moving many times to make a new home for myself, rebuilding a support network, making new friends, saying good-bye to some, trying to keep in touch with others as our lives take separate paths, taking risks, living more aware and freely, landing my first full-time job in my new career, getting that first year under my belt, learning to love again, getting my heart broken, trying to be more in the moment, learning to trust myself, relearning to trust others, taking that risk in love yet again, and refocusing on the now and the blessings I have and not what was or wished to be.  It has been a long time and in many ways I continue on the journey of rebuilding, but I will never have what I once had...both a loss and a gift.

My point is that I have been in almost a survival mode that tries to find some semblance of balance in living...to appreciate the little things and the wonderfully big blessings.  I have grown tired and I long for a break or breakthrough.  In some ways, I want all of these efforts in rebuilding to mean something.  I know myself and I take great pride in my work.  It is more than just a job for me.  But, I need balance, too.  My work cannot be my everything because only so much is in your control and I do not want to depend on someone else for my happiness.  So, now I try to temper my efforts at work and awaken the other paths to happiness...through relationship and pleasure.  I've focused so much on the work part, it can be difficult to take that much needed step back.

I have to give myself permission to be more than...

Houses as Hobbies

As I am typing this entry, RJ is sleeping on the couch beside me with his arm wrapped around my belly as I sit on the edge of couch. We were looking at houses that are on the market in the neighborhood. Every now and again I peruse the listings to see what is out there to get a feel for cost and trends of those renovating houses. I dream of owning a house. And I also keep an eye out for deals that RJ might find appealing for his own investments in flipping or renting--knowing that my efforts are very amateur.

But today we looked at some of the houses together because we each like looking at houses, kind of like a hobby. I asked him questions about if he thought the houses were priced appropriately. He was patient as I clicked through the pictures and he sometimes asked to see more in the comments section. We talked about the layout and the condition of the houses--what we liked or did not like--what needed upgrading or updating.

And when we were done, RJ told me that he liked that I am interested in buying a house. I asked him why? With a smile, he said he likes that I enjoy doing what he finds himself doing with much of his day. He also said it is good to see me dreaming and wanting something more.

This shared moment with RJ today makes me happy in appreciating what we have in common. It is nice to see those shared interests that support the foundation of our relationship. I love that we both love houses and what is involved in fixing them up. I love that we both enjoy being active and outside with fall as our favorite time of the year. I love that we both love reading and can spend hours in a bookstore. I love that we speak Spanish and appreciate learning about other cultures and world views (However, his Spanish skills are excellent, it inspires me to reinvest in mine.). I love that we enjoy the simple pleasures in life--good company, cooking and playing board games. It all just puts a smile on my face. I've said it before, but I love how RJ knows how to live in the moment of the present and take pleasure in all that it brings.

(Now, let's not get ahead of ourselves...I know this post could have potential for a lot of speculation. It is just one day at a time and I have a lot left on my plate to get my life back in order. We are happy with our relationship and where it is right now--a very good thing.)

Lack in (Visible) Posts

I remember reading a few times in some of the blogs I follow when the writer shared they were hesitant to post something because they realized that there were somethings they didn't want to share with everyone who may be reading their blog. I have come to that bump. So while I have been writing a lot, I just have not been making the posts public. It is out of respect for privacy.

Second, I have also debated on whether or not I wanted to blog about some of my internship experiences. I mean, I wouldn't blog about things that would clearly fall under HIPPA regulations. I've just had a lot to digest in my own journey in working towards becoming a Child Life Specialist. Work stuff is also a sensitive area that I would rather not get into in the blogging world. But it is what has been filling my days and my mind lately, as it should. I have been learning a lot and I am thankful for this opportunity at the hospital. I still fully agree with my decision to come to Columbus for my internship as there have been so many benefits--professionally and personally--even it is not always easy. But then again, it seems that when you are having a growing experience, there are challenges to face and to work through to get to your ultimate goal. But in the end, it will be worth it.

And as the end is coming near with just three weeks left, I hope to build the confidence I need to finish strong. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers--especially when it feels like so much is on the line. I've taken a big risk in going back to school full-time and taking my career in a different direction away from teaching. There are days when I wonder if I have made the right choice. Then there are days that I feel on top of the world with the excitement of feeling like this is what I was really meant to be doing and that everything else was leading me into this place.

I hope there will be a job for me at the end of this journey in the place that I dream. However, sometimes I am afraid to just come out and say it because I am afraid of getting my hopes up or having too many expectations. After loosing so much of my life once before, it can be really difficult to fully get lost in dreaming again. Having been in a place where everything had been so carefully planned only to have it smashed over and over and over again from so many angles and directions, I have a hard time trusting that things will really work out for me. I so want to believe that I will not only find my happy--or really, make my happy--but that I will also get to fully enjoy, savor, and live that happy.