Dark Side Before Venturing into TTC

Okay, I've been avoiding my blog.  There has been something on my mind and I have been afraid to write about it.

First, with open enrollment at work for healthcare choices and tax savings accounts, it has gotten me thinking about how to afford a child while paying for daycare.  Staying home is not a very likely option.  Family is far way, so we cannot ask my parents to help out a few days a week.  The cost of daycare scares me, let alone getting a child into one after hearing horror stories of wait lists and non-refundable wait list costs, some that you still have to pay even if the daycare center does not eventually have an opening.  Let alone the rules.  We would only need part-time daycare as Tal and I work different shifts and my schedule rotates.  During the week, we would need about three days for four or five hours each.  But some places require that you pay for all five days.  Would we be lucky enough to find a daycare or private daycare provider who would be okay with a rotating schedule?  I know I'm putting the cart way before the horse.  But, you have to have some kind of plan before you try to have a child.  Or at least me.

Those worries led to worries about quantity and quality of time with a possible future child.  Working second shift makes it tricky.  But, there are other people who work second shift and have families.  It is doable.  Right?  I really like my job and I feel like it is a good fit.  That is also important.  Right?  Then, I'd feel guilty if I would not be spending enough time with a possible future child.  Would I be being selfish having a child and working the hours I'm working?  I think it could work and be okay for the first few years before they would go to school.  By then maybe there could be an opening for a position with more nine to five?  A lot can change.

Also, I guess part of me is somewhat grieving the loss of not being able to stay home to raise my child.  I always wanted that, more so than anything else.  As a little girl, the first thing I wanted to be was a mom.  People laughed at me or would tell me that was not what I really wanted to be.  I loved my mom and felt so loved by her that I wanted to be a mommy and take care of a child so they could feel as loved as I felt as a little girl.  As I realized that "mom" wasn't the answer people were looking for, I expanded my list to include teacher, ballerina and artist.  Don't get me wrong, I liked the idea of those, too. But, after I would say those things, I'd secretly tell myself..."and a mom."

So with lots of hard thinking about how to puzzle it all out with the logistics of having a child and making time to spend with a child, it got me thinking some more.  This is where the darkest question and fear loomed.  What if after all of this, if we had a child, what if we regretted it??  What if parenting was harder than we thought, like really harder than we thought?

Ugh.  I don't even want to admit that question crossed my mind.  It makes me feel like a horrible person.  Does it make me less deserving to be a parent?

I just don't want to screw it up.  I am afraid of being so stressed out that I will be a terrible mom, wife or person.  I do not want to lose me.  I do not want to be totally consumed by parenthood.  Life would change, no doubt.  Priorities would rightfully shift.  How do people do it?

With all of these thoughts running in my mind, I came across a blog from Mel's Friday Round-up.  Actually, it was part of the second helpings.

My response to "Women Who Wish They'd Never Had Kids" and "Why Parents Hate Parenting," by The Unexpected Trip

That blog and links within it led down a wormhole of some very raw, very hard realizations and insights shared by those who do regret having a child.  It is so sad, and my heart feels for those who have disclosed some very dark thoughts.  I don't want to be one of those people...one of those that is completely overwhelmed by parenthood or bitter or resentful.  No, so sad.  I do not want to judge people and I guess it is good for them to have an outlet to express themselves, but still sad.  As the author of the post that reflects on all of these links about parenting, maybe it is healthy for parents to have space to process feelings, all feelings, as a way to heal and carry forward.

How do people do it?  Maybe I am thinking too much.  I just don't want to be holding the experience of parenthood up to wildly, impossible standards then have it all come crashing down.

Then this post popped up on my Facebook feed.

10 Dark Parenting Truths We Never Talk About, by Kristen Oganowski

And while the author tackled some of the dark sides of parenting, she somehow made it less scary.  There are truths in her words.  And it is what it is, but real and with love.  Life with or without children, is different...not better or worse, but different.

Summer Visitors

While this summer has been spent unpacking the house, we have also hosted friends and family when they have come to visit.  It has been nice to have people over at our house.  Quality time with those we care about is important.

I was a little nervous when one of my best friends came to visit with her three kids, who are also my godchildren.  They are six, five and three.  I wanted them to have fun and enjoy themselves.  And I hoped that I would have enough to keep them busy!  I'm not a mom, so I was a little worried.  Could I hack it for a weekend?  Of course my friend was coming and it was not like I'd have them all on my own, but I wanted to do a good job.

Fortunately, our new house is right down the street from a fun little park and splash pad.  I was just hoping for good weather.  There is also an ice cream shop down the other way.  So, that was good for a walk and a treat.  Then I looked online for touristy kinds of things and there is a nice children's museum in town.  Plus, if we had good weather, there are nature parks with hiking trails that the kids could handle, as I've seen other families there in the past.

I had an outline of big ideas, but wanted to think about the time between, too.  Kids have a lot of energy and if they do not have something to do, they will find something.  So, T~ and I went shopping for toys.  He has young nephews around the same age.  We figured buying some toys would be a good investment.  We picked out some things for inside and outside play.  I tried to get some things that can be gender neutral and a few things that may be a little more gender specific.  For example, Legos are great for many kids and for a good range of ages.  Lots of kids like to play with kitchen sets, color, use play-doh and play with outdoor toys, like hula hoops and a kickball.  But, I also got some superhero action figures with a couple of small vehicles and a princess doll set with a small fold up castle.  I tried to stay within a budget and not get too crazy.  Another thing we had going for us is that my husband has a good collection of Pixar movies and we have Netflix.  Not that we want to rely on TV, but it was likely to rain.

In addition, I worried about what the kids would want to eat.  I checked in with my friend and then went grocery shopping.  Again, I didn't want to go crazy, but at least have a few options.  I just really wanted my friend and her children to feel welcomed.  I thought about the times my brother and I would visit family as little kids and tried to pull from those experiences as to what made us feel comfortable and welcomed in someone's home.  A little bit can go a long way.

Finally, I was concerned about whether or not I'd have the energy to keep going the whole weekend.  I'm pretty used to a quiet house and that is very different than three small children.  I hoped I would not feel overwhelmed.

However, the weekend visit went very well!  The kids played nicely and had a lot of fun.  I got to enjoy quality time with my friend.  And I hoped she felt like she may have gotten somewhat of a break with the trip.  Her husband has been very busy with work and as a stay-at-home mom, she does a lot of the caregiving.

The kids loved the park and splash pad.  We went to the park the first night after dinner.  They had a lot of fun going on the swings and teeter totter and  climbing equipment.  The next morning we went to the splash pad before it had a chance to rain.  The day before was better weather for it, but the kids still enjoyed it.  They were very silly running around, slashing and filling a bucket of water.  Just good old water play and exploring.

We also went to a small, free farm at one of the Metro parks.  It ended up being smaller than we thought and it was self-guided.  With the possibility of rain, we were the only ones there.  I thought it was kind of a bust, but it turns out that the kids got a kick out of it.  They talked quite a bit about it the next morning.

They had a blast at the kid's museum, which I'm very glad that T~ came along so that each child could be paired with a grown-up.  This gave each child the ability to explore and spend as much time as they liked in the different areas.  It flowed well and we generally stayed together, but one or two may have lingered before moving onto the next thing or maybe skipped something that was not as interesting from time to time.  We spent quite a bit of time at the museum.  It was fun to play along with them, too.

The kids were very cute.  My friend said they could not wait to come and visit.  She said they were so excited to come to our house.  I've been to their house lots of times, but I think this was a fun adventure for them.  Snuggles and hugs and happy memories made.  I hope my friend comes to visit again, and we'd welcome the kids, too.  It was a successful, fun weekend!

Wax and Wane

Some days, some situations are easier than others when it comes to babies and kids.

Baby showers, for instance, can feel okay or bring feelings of distant dread.  In March, I was secretly relieved when T~ wanted to visit his new nephew on the same weekend as another friend's baby shower.  It wasn't really planned that way, but just happened.  I am very happy for my friend, but for some reason had difficulty getting excited to go to her shower.  Instead, I mailed the gift and we later met for dinner and then she showed me the nursery.

Then, I got an invitation for another friend's shower in May.  It was a bit of an impulse, but decided to go because I have not been back to Pittsburgh in three years.  There was a good flight sale, and it would be an opportunity to visit with other friends, as well.  I was somewhat surprised how well I was handling it.  However, I have a friendship with the pregnant friend and a longer friendship with her sister whom taught with me.  Plus, I have done some pet sitting for their parents.  There are many ties to this family and I am grateful.

For the May shower, it was nice because I got to help out with setting up.  Then I was asked if I could help with either writing out the list of opened gifts or manage the flow of gifts.  I was open to either task, but with me being the one wearing flats, it was easier to wrangle the present pile with some help from my pregnant friend's nieces.  It was nice catching up with some of the other ladies, too.  But after glancing around about half way through the gifts, I realized the blessing it was to be helping.  It kept my mind busy and the focus on my friend.

I also noticed someone else in the room whom seemed a little sad or tired maybe, but I could be wrong.  Showers seem to be more complicated events.  When I was growing up and later, but before trying to have a child, I saw wedding and baby showers as celebrations.  It was difficult for me to see or understand why people complained about going.  But now, I see layers of complexity for whatever the reason.

The other tricky situation is hanging out with a friend and their kid.  Sometimes it seems to go better than other times.  There are many variables with maybe how I am feeling that day (realized or not), how the child is feeling, how well I know the child or their comfort level with me or adults.  Some kids are more open and outgoing and that makes it easier.  I think it also depends on the parent.  I'm just saying there are a lot of dynamics to juggle.  I feel badly about a possible misstep.  I may have hurt one friend's feelings a little bit.  But, most of the time when the kids were around it was fun and pleasant.  My favorite was The Hockey Player (as he sometimes refers to himself) belting out the national anthems for both the US and Canada while swinging in the park.

T~ made the observation as we were coming home from Pittsburgh after meeting more of my friends, "So, all your friends have kids."  Me, "Um, yep."  Pause, "Well, kind of.  That's where we are in life.  People have kids."  I clarified and reminded him that there are a few without kids, but the ones he met this weekend have kids.  This didn't bother him, but I think it surprised him.  I think it was that because ratio wise I have more friends with kids than he does.  It is what it is.  But, I think it gives him more perspective on how much it can fly in my face that I do not have a child.

After thinking about this weekend and the past couple of showers, I think one thing that makes a difference about my comfort level with baby showers and spending time with kids is the level of closeness with that friend and how much of the journey they were present while I was actively trying to be a mom.  For instance, the March shower would have been with a whole lot of strangers who don't know my back story.  The May shower was different.  This friend and her family and another friend know my past and know it well.  I think that my friends who knew me and supported me during that time have another lens than those who I met after actively trying.  These friends saw the longing in my eyes, the yearning and the heartache when I was most raw.  They saw how badly I wanted it and told me how they believed that I would be a great mother.  I think they can sometimes be more gentle and forgiving.  They want to share their children with me; there is a deeper awareness and trust.

It is not to say that the friends I made after actively going through IF are not compassionate or lacking in being more inclusive with their children.  I think it is just not talked about and there is a lot of uncertainty.  It is a bit of a fopaux for either person to bring it up.  Maybe I just need to be more forthcoming.  Sometimes, yes it can be difficult.  I cannot predict the triggers.  But, the joy I feel from really spending quality time with you and your child outweighs the pain.

Thank you friends who get it.  Thank you for being a safe bubble for me to freely enjoy my friendship with you and your children.  And sometimes friends it is not you, but the situation in how safe I feel, which may not be something you can control.

November Guys

Another picture text came my way from my Mom and it was bitter sweet.  I know it is my family's way of including me, especially living further away and not getting to be part of family gatherings.  And I hate to admit it and it is one reason why it has taken me so long to write about it.  It stings and hurts on multiple levels.  I wish it wasn't so.  I really do.  I think I was trying not to let it bother me.  But the harder I try, the more it creeps back and hurts more.

One of my godsons celebrated his birthday in November.  It is also the same month of my Dad's birthday.  Little J~ is a guy's guy and loves being around his male relatives.  My mom gets a kick out of how much he enjoys my dad and buddies up with him.  In the picture, Little J~ was sitting on my Dad's lap playing an arcade game at Chuck E. Cheese.  My first thought was, how sweet.  Which, I guess is an improvement.  But, it was quickly followed by a piercing sadness.

Then my dad sent a picture text of Big J~ and Little J~ where they both had enormous grins.  It is a rare sight with my cousin because he is such a serious guy and his little boy doesn't fall far from the tree on that one.  That picture made me smile.  It wasn't as hard.  And I was happy for them, more wholly in that moment.

I continue to get better at seeing people in pictures with their children.  But it was hard to see one with Little J~ with my dad.  I want so much for that little boy to be my son sitting on my dad's lap.  I want to be the one to bring my parents joy with grandchildren.  Durring times like these, I briefly ask myself, why can't that be me?

It also doesn't seem to be getting any easier because as my parents get older, it is just another reminder that time is limited.  My mom recently shared that my dad is thinking about retiring next year.  I don't want him to retire.  It just really means he is getting older and I don't want to accept that.  It just doesn't seem fair.  But life is not fair as it keeps painfully reminding me.

All of this probably sounds selfish, but I cannot entirely help it.  I try to rise above.  But sometimes you have to admit those ugly feelings to yourself.  Otherwise, they just eat you up and that is not good.  I guess it goes back to the idea that feelings are not bad, it is what you do with them.  So, I keep it to myself.  And I remind myself to be thankful that my parents get to have these kinds of experiences.  And it is good for my cousin and my godson because Big J~'s parents each passed away awhile ago and never met there grandchildren.  It is a blessing for all to be there for each other to give support and share their love in other ways that cannot be.

The Sting of Longing

The other day, another one of my coworkers asked me if I had any children.

Then later, as I was carrying a baby doll with a medical play preparation kit down the hall, someone remarked how natural I looked carrying the baby.

My heart broke a little bit...

with a combination of old, dull hurts and a seemingly semi-silly longing.

And I wonder if I am getting better at hiding it.

It has been suggested that I take it as a compliment and that people only mean well.  But it still doesn't take away the initial sting.  It takes a conscious effort to pause, breathe and mentally let it pass as it is replaced by a drifting, distant sadness where I try to feign normalcy.