Christmas music is one of my favorite parts of the holiday, along with several other things like twinkling lights, fresh trees, cookies, candy canes, Christmas Story, Elf, wrapped gifts, spending time with loved ones, midnight mass, the nativity and the story of Jesus's birth. But, I feel Christmas music sets the tone in many of the places you spend time preparing and celebrating the holiday whether it is at home, shopping or at church. My favorite Christmas songs are by Johnny Mathis.
However, it has been a long, long time since I have been able to find the joy in Christmas music. Some things were ripped away when my life changed and I really felt the lonely darkness and cold of the winter season. Music was painful. It took a lot of time and healing to really embrace music more fully again, and it seems like Christmas music was the last to fall into place. While I will wait to listen to Christmas music until after Thanksgiving Day, it was not something I was actively seeking out in my recent past. But this year, I found myself tuning into the radio station quite regularly. It was not until Christmas Eve that I came to realize I have been enjoying Christmas music more wholly again, and that made me smile.
Merry Christmas!
Showing posts with label healing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label healing. Show all posts
Friday, December 25, 2015
Saturday, November 24, 2012
Turkey Day Thoughts
While it is still Thanksgiving weekend, I want to remember to quickly get down some thoughts while they are fresh in my mind. So much has been happening in such a short amount of time that I am not getting to all of the posts that I have floating along in my head.
- I am thankful for my new job and I am loving it! Even with not being a morning person, I find myself happy and looking forward to the day when I get up around 5:15 am. My spirits are usually high as I jam along with my early commute watching the sun start to come up.
- I am thankful for family and friends who love me. Emails, texts and phone calls carry with me as I often wonder how everyone is doing. My thoughts and prayers are with you all for health, peace and happiness.
- I am thankful for the new friends that I am making in Orlando. I am starting to make connections here and it is helping me to settle into my new home. Just want to keep going with the exploring and adventures that come my way.
- I am thankful for this new chapter in my life. Moving to Orlando has given me a fresh start and a new perspective. I feel more open and free than I have in a long time. I am hopeful for what is on the horizon as I try to remember to take it one day at a time and live in the present.
- I am thankful for healing space. It takes a lot of strength to let go and I imagine myself more and more on the side of freedom. My past will always be part of who I am, but there is more focus on the present in who I am now.
- I am thankful for my family in Florida and having the opportunity to spend my first Thanksgiving in Orlando with them. Of course I missed my parents, brother, sister and cousins this year. But this holiday was I think the first that my heart did not hurt for a longing of a life I so desire to have. I needed that. Even with other holidays being better since my divorce, there has always been that little stab of emotional pain that crept into my heart. A friend of mine suggested that I spend a holiday doing something totally different. Part of me wished I took her up on that offer a few years ago, but I think I got to experience some of that relief this holiday. There are times I feel sad with lost dreams, not being able to provide my parents with grandchildren, and a longing to share a life with a love. Thank you to my cousins for being so welcoming. It was a lovely day. And it was funny because my cousin's mother-in-law makes homemade stuffing very similar to my mom's. So in some ways, my Cleveland Thanksgiving was not too far off from the Thanksgiving table in Florida. My mom's stuffing is better. But, this was a good close second.
Friday, May 11, 2012
Moments of Mourning
Yesterday was an unexpectedly bad day. But then, maybe not. Maybe I've been trying to hold the emotions at bay, or maybe I've been distancing them until I could make sense of them.
Mother's Day is coming and my mind has been on the twins. They would be three by now.
As I was driving to work, I just could not stop crying. The tears rolled down my cheeks and I just let them come and wash over me...while on this rare occasion being thankful for the traffic along my way to work that extended my drive to a long 45 minutes.
I hate feeling so sick about Mother's Day. On top of that, add a layer of guilt. I will not be spending the day with my mom because she is working all day and lives in a different state. But my mom said not to worry because it is like she is getting two Mother's Days this year. I was with my family last weekend celebrating my sister's college graduation. (Yea, Kara!) Then, I will be returning to Cleveland to run in the half-marathon and going to my god daughter's birthday party next weekend. So, all good family time. :)
Today was better. Maybe some of it is out of my system. I felt frustrated because March came and went without the emotional roller coaster this year. I took this as a sign of progress. It is not to say that I don't think about them, but it didn't hurt so much...until yesterday. I miss and grieve the opportunity to be their mother. My heart aches and I so want to be a mother. I know I would be a good mother. But I just don't only want children. I want a child to share with a man with whom I love, in a life that we build together...and that would be a blessing because the relationship is the priority.
And I need to be patient with myself. Grief is a process. It will always be there, but less each time it surfaces while showing new meaning or taking a different shape. Feel it, embrace it, honor it and then let it go again and again.
So, I take down those hopes for having a child and put them on another shelf while I continue to reorganize my life. I need to be able to take care of myself first...have a full-time job. Then I need to have the space to meet someone special with time to nurture the relationship. And I go back to the grind of searching and finding that next place in my career. I've been working really hard and meeting a lot of great people doing great things for children in the hospital and educational fields. Something has to open up soon.
Mother's Day is coming and my mind has been on the twins. They would be three by now.
As I was driving to work, I just could not stop crying. The tears rolled down my cheeks and I just let them come and wash over me...while on this rare occasion being thankful for the traffic along my way to work that extended my drive to a long 45 minutes.
I hate feeling so sick about Mother's Day. On top of that, add a layer of guilt. I will not be spending the day with my mom because she is working all day and lives in a different state. But my mom said not to worry because it is like she is getting two Mother's Days this year. I was with my family last weekend celebrating my sister's college graduation. (Yea, Kara!) Then, I will be returning to Cleveland to run in the half-marathon and going to my god daughter's birthday party next weekend. So, all good family time. :)
Today was better. Maybe some of it is out of my system. I felt frustrated because March came and went without the emotional roller coaster this year. I took this as a sign of progress. It is not to say that I don't think about them, but it didn't hurt so much...until yesterday. I miss and grieve the opportunity to be their mother. My heart aches and I so want to be a mother. I know I would be a good mother. But I just don't only want children. I want a child to share with a man with whom I love, in a life that we build together...and that would be a blessing because the relationship is the priority.
And I need to be patient with myself. Grief is a process. It will always be there, but less each time it surfaces while showing new meaning or taking a different shape. Feel it, embrace it, honor it and then let it go again and again.
So, I take down those hopes for having a child and put them on another shelf while I continue to reorganize my life. I need to be able to take care of myself first...have a full-time job. Then I need to have the space to meet someone special with time to nurture the relationship. And I go back to the grind of searching and finding that next place in my career. I've been working really hard and meeting a lot of great people doing great things for children in the hospital and educational fields. Something has to open up soon.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)