Monday, March 25, 2013

In a Sleepy Stupor...

I remember noticing T~ coming back to bed.  As I resettled myself and he joined me in bed, the words just rolled out...

I love you.

Still feeling in a fog of being half awake and half asleep, I felt a moment of surprise with the realization of what I had just said.  There was a prolonged pause and he responded with a confused, "Okay?"  My fuzzy brain was not working with my lips and I mumbled something, but do not recall it being anything really understandable.  Was I talking in my sleep again?

No.  I felt it within me.  It just slipped out.  But, it seemed so natural and effortless.  Too tired to put anymore thought into it, I allowed the heaviness of slumber to creep back over me.

The next morning, I heard T~ stirring in his living room.  I tumbled out of bed and joined him by his chair and computer.  Still feeling the need for a morning stretch in the cozy warmth of bed, I returned to the bedroom and flopped into the covers and he followed.  However, he was much more awake than me.

We snuggled up together as I recalled bits of a bizarre dream I had the night before.  Something about wandering around the streets in a city and trying to find my way while following along a lady and a strange animal.  It had the pointed face of a porcupine, but the body of a very skinny, slinky monkey-kind-of-cat creature.  If it was supposed to be a pet or ferel, I am not sure.  It weaved in and out, but at times you could hold its tail like a cane or a leash before it would then try to slip away again.  T~ softly laughed as I wondered aloud if it was a remnant of the Comic Con from last weekend and that his girlfriend must be a little bit of a weirdo.  He said that seemed about right and I would have to be a little weird to be with him.

Then, I waited to see if he would bring it up while still trying to sort out my thoughts.  My heart ached at the possibility that maybe he heard me, but did not feel the same in return.  When he did not mention it, I then lead into something else that seemed a little strange from the previous night.  I asked if he slept alright, and he mentioned having some tossing and turning.  I said that at one point I noticed him coming back to bed and I may have said something. 

T~'s face lit up with a knowing smile.  He said he wondered if he heard me correctly.  He wasn't sure how to acknowledge it, so he asked, "Okay?"  He said I repeated the words, but wondered if I was talking in my sleep or if I really knew what I had said.  T~ stated it was okay that I said it...then with an added pause..if it was true.  His words seemed laced with a vulnerability.

I told him that I have been thinking it for a while, but it just kind of came out last night.  He smiled with his eyes and said that he has been thinking it for a while, as well.  With a shared breath of relief and happiness, we hugged.

Then he looked at me and said in response to what I had said last night...

I love you, too.

Monday, March 18, 2013

Removing Relationship Hurts In Earnest

"The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them." ~ Ernest Hemingway

So, as I am entering the beginning of a new relationship, I have been putting in some effort thinking about how to clear out some of my emotional baggage--the possible roadblocks that could bring challenges into this relationship.  In someways this is unavoidable because your past is part of what makes you who you are in the present.  It has nothing to do with them.  But alas, it is the present partner that is left to deal with the other's past hurts, especially if unresolved.  My hope is that a mature approach will win.

Please know that things are going well and it is still early in my present relationship.  We are in a great place where it still feels new and in that cozy space of looking forward to getting to know each other more.  It is a special time to be romantically giddy, to drink in its innocence and to just be.

However, I was recently reminded of how past hurts can quickly resurface when I had an internal knee jerk reaction to a question from a coworker.  It was a request to help watch her dogs while she went to the beach for part of the weekend.  It really was kind of her to think of me since she thought my guy was out of town for the weekend.  But, she had mixed up the weekends and it was last weekend that he was away.  So, the plans my guy and I had were still in tact. 

My momentary panic was because in my two significant relationships, both men had, in different ways, made plans without me and I felt really hurt.  Not cool to apply for a job two hours away and not tell me, and not cool to plan a vacation for yourself and tell me a few days before leaving for it.  In hindsight, they were both running.

But, I have to give myself some credit for not getting ahead of myself, nor misdirecting these feelings of rejection.  I told myself, "Stop.  This is not (fill in name of previous arse)."  Remaining composed and not jumping to conclusions, the misunderstanding quickly resolved itself.  Whew!

What was left was my lurking concern of past hurts that may be trouble ahead for me.  Trust is clearly an issue.  I know this.  It is not the first time I have wondered if I will be able to find resolve in my issues of trusting a man.  Not being sure where to go with rebuilding that trust, I have just sat on the thought.

Then, I came across a dating article online with quotes of wisdom for meaningful love.  I clicked on the link feeling slightly pessimistic that the quotes would be predictable fru fru stuff.  However, Ernest Hemingway's words stayed with me.  It seems to go along a similar pathway with that of forgiveness.  First you have to want it in your heart, then over time it will happen.  It is about taking that risk again.  Trust, much like love, is an action and it is something you choose to do everyday, every moment.

So, it seems the simplest answer to my question of trust is to just to do it.

Monday, March 11, 2013

Tiny Invitation

Today I had dinner at my cousins' house.  S~ and S~ have a nine-month-old daughter who is as cute as a button.  However, H~ takes a lot of time to warm up to people, so I have not had the opportunity to hold her.  Poor kid has had to deal with reflux, milk allergies and colic.  Not an easy start to life.  But, she is doing much better. 

To my pleasant surprise, H~ smiled at me when I first came into the living room.  She is at the creeping stage and was holding onto my cousin's hands and walking round the house.  S~ said H~ is constantly moving and much happier when she can move freely out and about. 

After dinner, we went outside to the front yard and mingled with the neighbors, which seemed like a fairly common routine.  People gathered, set up chairs and chatted as several kids weaved in and out of the driveways on their bikes.  H~ was alternating between a push toy and walking around with S~ and S~.

As I was sitting on the ground in the driveway, H~ came walking over to me holding S~'s hand.  Then, she reached out her tiny hand to me and I took it.  Standing up, I joined S~ as H~ lead us around the driveway in wobbly zigzags.  After a few passes around the driveway circling the group sitting in chairs, she meandered to the push toy again with her mom.  I rejoined the group of adults and listened to the conversation.

After a short time, H~ returned to where I was sitting.  This time she held both hands out to me with a smile as she caught her breath in the breeze.  I picked her up and lifted her up a few times.  It was the first time I really got to hold her.  She seemed ready to go, so I took both of her hands to go for another walk.  She was picking up the pace and then held on with just one hand.  It was a mix of the warm sun, just before dipping down for a more pronounced sunset, and cool, gusty air.  As we paced the walk, my curls bounced in the breeze and H~'s wisps floated under the weight of her clip.  Faster and faster she went as she transitioned back to one hand on the push toy and the other in my hand, especially on the incline down the drive.  Little by little she wanted to do more on her own and I could sense her increasing bravery.  She then held the handle with two hands, and I quickly followed behind her keeping my hands hovering near her waist.  Smiles and giggles as she cruised to her mom.

It was a sweet moment and a welcomed gift.  It was brief, but felt like it was filling an infinite space within that moment.  Reminding me of kite flying with Little Bear in her grandmother's garden, I became aware of being present and taking in the joy.

How I have often wondered what it would be like or if I would have the opportunity to hold a tiny, trusting hand of one who is exploring her developing mobile freedoms and expanding the parameters of the world around her.  When I dreamed of motherhood, that was the kind of thing I imagined.