Friday, April 10, 2015

12 Angry Women (But Not Really)

While scrolling through my facebook feed a few weeks ago, I noticed a listicle, 12 Women With Perfect Responses For Why They Don't Have Kids, with quotes from famous women without children with their thoughts about not having children.  In some ways it was refreshing to see since facebook can be flooded with pictures, posts, blog highlights and advertisements of pregnancy, babies and motherhood.  When skimming the news websites, I will also notice articles about parenting, baby making and children.  This mini article seemed like a departure from so much of what feels like is being shoved into the forefront.  It is not very often that I will come across things about people living childless or childfree.  The women highlighted in the article came across to me as strong, confident and unapologetic of living a life without children of their own.  They did not respond in a way that was diminishing motherhood, but presenting living the alternative as good, fulfilling and happy.

The article was good timing because I was feeling determined not to let March get me down, as it has typically been a difficult month for me.  It was a bit of a pick me up as if to say that if I do not become a mother that I will be okay.  I want to be a mother, but I don't know if it will happen.

I had thought about sharing the article in my facebook wall, but then I hesitated.  I toggled back and forth if I should or not.  I found the article to be empowering and wanted to share it.  But then I did not want to come across as some kind of baby/motherhood/parenting hating brat.  I was not sure how it would be received.  On top of that, with T~ and I planning our wedding, I feel pretty confident that there are people wondering when we are going to start our there have already been comments and questions.  While I thought the article's title and content was to the point and honest,  I didn't know if it could read as harsh.  I was worried it could lead to further unwanted assumptions and inquiries.  So, I decided not to post it.  Torn between wanting to spread the conversation about living childless or childfree and wanting to protect my privacy.

Tuesday, March 31, 2015


I haven't forgotten about you both.  The twins would have been six this year.

Friday, March 27, 2015

Shower Shopping

For the most part, I have made huge strides in buying baby shower gifts and what I like to call yay you were born gifts.  I will often buy a small gift for a family member or friend who has recently had a baby.  I try to give it to them in person when visiting with them and their newborn.  But with having family and friends all over the place, I will sometimes mail packages.

So, as I was going out to shop for a friend's baby shower, T~ asked to go with me since it is a mutual couple friend.  I thought that was very sweet.  He was kind of excited to go shopping and pick something out, especially since her husband was surprising her with doing the nursery.

The couple had done the registry and shopped for the crib together, but he did everything else in putting it all together.  And because they had a variety of things, her husband really could have gone in several directions.  I really liked the eclectic feel of the registry and that it wasn't just one solid theme.  It was a mix of monkeys, giraffes and sports with blues, greens and browns.  The nursery turned out super cute!  It felt like a little boy's room with room for him to grow into the person he will become.

But, I had that twinge of sadness while T~ and I were shopping.  Many times it is a brief, quickly passing sadness--felt and gone within a breath.  But on that day, I felt a bit more of the sting and I soon just wanted to get the shopping done.  When we printed out the registry, I saw the list included giraffe themed items.  I love giraffes.  I always hoped to sneak them in when I had hoped for a baby.  I felt sad because these were items that I would have loved picking out or buying for my baby.  Then, it was rare to see giraffe items, but now they are all over the place.

T~ was excited when he saw the giraffe baby things and said we should buy those since I like giraffes.  I believe his thinking was that there would be a connection and appreciation with the giraffe items coming from me.  I did not say anything, but I almost wanted to buy anything but the giraffe things.  So, I suggested browsing around at a bunch of things and see what we liked.  It turned out that the store happened not to be stocked with everything on the list so it made it difficult to buy several items from one of the several themes.  It was a bit of a relief, so we bought a variety of items.  One of them included giraffes, so that was more within my comfort zone and I could ease back into enjoying the shopping trip instead of feeling like it was another chore.  And I was even more pleased once I saw the nursery since it was a nice balance of everything.

Monday, March 9, 2015

The Long and Short of It

Last week one of my favorite blogs (of the non-IF type), Wait But Why, posted an article on Facebook that highlighted them.  It was about how in a world heavy on brevity (i.e. Facebook, Twitter and Instagram), there is still an appreciation and a place for longer format writing.  Depth does matter, and their is an audience for it.

Yes, it may be a bit ironic to be sharing this article on a Microblog Monday.  However, from time to time, I have read that some in the blogging community wonder if blogging may be fading off or becoming less relevant.  I think this article points to no, and it encourages people to keep writing, keep the depth, and keep telling your story or writing about what you are passionate.

On the flip side, I also love Microblog Mondays.  It can serve many purposes.  It can offer flexibility and give permission for the writer to mix it up or stretch the space.  It can foster the habit of writing.  It also reminds me of poetry.  Poetry seems so powerful to me.  Most often in a poem a person can express depth in a condensed way and each of the words seems so carefully chosen.  It is not that long essays do not involve the laborious, critical eye of carefully selected words.  They involve different skills and I find it more challenging to cut out words (as evidenced by this post).

Depth and power can be found in the long and short.  There is room for all kinds of writing.  

Tuesday, March 3, 2015

Organization Is My Middle Name

I've been very busy lately.  Planning our wedding has been at the top of my list.  A few people have asked if I've gotten a wedding planner.  No, I'm a teacher.  I've got this covered.  Some are surprised by how much we already have done, especially planning the wedding from Florida for it to be in Ohio.  More importantly is that I'm enjoying it.  T~ has been very supportive and helpful, too.

Things crossed off my list:
  • Venue of ceremony & reception
  • Officiant
  • Wedding party
  • Photographer
  • DJ
  • My dress
  • My shoes
Things nearly crossed off my list:
  • Save the dates (Thank you T~ for taking charge of this one!  He has nice printing, and it lets me focus on other things.)
  • Flowers
  • Hotel blocks
  • Dinner food selection
  • Cake
Current challenges:
  • Groom's tuxedo (Just starting to look.)
  • Bridesmaid dresses (Plans to shop in April.)
  • Wedding hair place or person (No idea!!!  Help if you can!)

Wednesday, February 4, 2015

Freedom and Happiness

After reading a post from another blogger, I had to borrow her quote and put it here so that I can remember it.

"Freedom is the room to move in the harness."--Fred Holden riffing on Robert Frost.

Part of my response:  I have experienced freedom in different ways at various times in my life.  It seems freedom is about perspective and achieving the balance of acceptance of the limits or boundaries and appreciating the life you make within them.  Somewhere in there lays the secrets of happiness.

Tuesday, February 3, 2015

Date Night

Sometimes a song takes you back to a moment.  I want remember this night with T~.  We went to go see Less Than Jake and Reel Big Fish on Tuesday night.  It was part of his Christmas present and I'm happy I could make him happy and share in it with him.

Saturday, January 31, 2015

Annulment Work

My blog has been quiet this month.  Or at least it feels that way for me because I usually have a running list of posts that I want to write and don't always make the time to write them.  I feel that I got caught up on most of them this past fall. The list is very short now and they are still incubating.  They will come in time.

In some ways I feel I am trying to refocus my thoughts away from baby related things, so there is less to write.  But, my life is more than hoping to be a mom.  Looking back on the history of my posts, some of it has been about rebuilding or recapturing my life and I have written about dating, career or moments of life.

This past month, I have been working on the annulment of my first marriage.  I started it in the fall and then had to wait for the paperwork to be mailed to begin the next steps.  It dredged up a lot of old, ugly feelings of loss, doubt and hurt.  Not fun.  I've worked very hard to make peace with the past and leave it in the past.  I've been told that the annulment process can be very healing.  That has not been my experience.  It just feels like it is opening old wounds and rubbing salt in them.  Maybe I waited too long to do it.  But, I've been told that the timeline is right and otherwise it would have been too soon, too raw.  I don't know.  It feels redundant and unnecessary.  Maybe that is because I invested the time early and during the fall out with having support from a counselor, my priest and a support group at church, in addition to wonderful friends and family.  I feel angry having to open it all up again.  It is my choice.  I want the annulment.  It just really sucks.  It sucks feeling stupid, feeling less than and unvalued.

Argh!  Just want to get it done!

Fortunately, I am not putting pressure on having to have it done before T~ and I get married.  It will get done when it gets done.  We can have our marriage recognized by the church after the fact.  I am not going to let the annulment take away from my present happiness in my relationship with T~.  We are excited about our plans for our wedding.  :)

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

So Many Variables

For much of January, I have been thinking and wondering and worrying...  Am I too old to have a baby of my own?  Are my eggs still good?  Is it selfish of me to want to have a biological child with T~?

And really what each of these questions should add is some form of "a healthy baby."  I am scared because the longer I wait, there is an increased chance there could be complications.  Usually, I am good about regular exercise and healthy eating.  However, my bigger concern is for the potential child.  I am nervous about possible health or developmental issues.  Sure lots of people have had healthy babies later in life.  Will that be me?  I would hope so.

But having been a teacher and now working in the medical field, I have seen more than my share of children with complicated medical or developmental needs.  It takes a lot of work.  And truth be told, I have had multiple parents who have expressed their guilt and confessed to me that they wondered if they had been selfish in having a child later in life.  They have wondered aloud if they brought on these troubles to their child...and stopping short of saying that maybe they should not have tried in the first place.  These are good people and I realize they are sharing these thoughts while under great distress.

Nevertheless, it gives me pause.  At what cost do you try?  Is the risk worth the benefit?  Who is the priority?  It is not all about you.  It is also about that future person you may bring into this world.  At what cost is it to them?  What are you maybe asking them to sacrifice?  Is it fair?

I know in some ways I am getting ahead of myself as T~ and I are still planning our wedding.  But, I can't help it.  I am feeling the pressure of time.  I want to make a responsible choice.  My thoughts waiver.  Should we try for a baby of our own?  Should we adopt?  Can I be happy without children and instead dedicate myself to my career by helping others?  Or should I focus my energies on the people in my extended family and friends?  Lots of questions and lots to think about.

When I start to feel overwhelmed by it, I focus on wedding planning and my life with T~.  It is much more fun.  :)

Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Looking Forward


It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work.  It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart.  --Unknown

I hope to find peace in 2015.

Wishing you the best in the New Year!