Tuesday, March 3, 2015

Organization Is My Middle Name

I've been very busy lately.  Planning our wedding has been at the top of my list.  A few people have asked if I've gotten a wedding planner.  No, I'm a teacher.  I've got this covered.  Some are surprised by how much we already have done, especially planning the wedding from Florida for it to be in Ohio.  More importantly is that I'm enjoying it.  T~ has been very supportive and helpful, too.

Things crossed off my list:
  • Venue of ceremony & reception
  • Officiant
  • Wedding party
  • Photographer
  • DJ
  • My dress
  • My shoes
Things nearly crossed off my list:
  • Save the dates (Thank you T~ for taking charge of this one!  He has nice printing, and it lets me focus on other things.)
  • Flowers
  • Hotel blocks
  • Dinner food selection
  • Cake
Current challenges:
  • Groom's tuxedo (Just starting to look.)
  • Bridesmaid dresses (Plans to shop in April.)
  • Wedding hair place or person (No idea!!!  Help if you can!)

Wednesday, February 4, 2015

Freedom and Happiness

After reading a post from another blogger, I had to borrow her quote and put it here so that I can remember it.

"Freedom is the room to move in the harness."--Fred Holden riffing on Robert Frost.

Part of my response:  I have experienced freedom in different ways at various times in my life.  It seems freedom is about perspective and achieving the balance of acceptance of the limits or boundaries and appreciating the life you make within them.  Somewhere in there lays the secrets of happiness.

Tuesday, February 3, 2015

Date Night

Sometimes a song takes you back to a moment.  I want remember this night with T~.  We went to go see Less Than Jake and Reel Big Fish on Tuesday night.  It was part of his Christmas present and I'm happy I could make him happy and share in it with him.


Saturday, January 31, 2015

Annulment Work

My blog has been quiet this month.  Or at least it feels that way for me because I usually have a running list of posts that I want to write and don't always make the time to write them.  I feel that I got caught up on most of them this past fall. The list is very short now and they are still incubating.  They will come in time.

In some ways I feel I am trying to refocus my thoughts away from baby related things, so there is less to write.  But, my life is more than hoping to be a mom.  Looking back on the history of my posts, some of it has been about rebuilding or recapturing my life and I have written about dating, career or moments of life.

This past month, I have been working on the annulment of my first marriage.  I started it in the fall and then had to wait for the paperwork to be mailed to begin the next steps.  It dredged up a lot of old, ugly feelings of loss, doubt and hurt.  Not fun.  I've worked very hard to make peace with the past and leave it in the past.  I've been told that the annulment process can be very healing.  That has not been my experience.  It just feels like it is opening old wounds and rubbing salt in them.  Maybe I waited too long to do it.  But, I've been told that the timeline is right and otherwise it would have been too soon, too raw.  I don't know.  It feels redundant and unnecessary.  Maybe that is because I invested the time early and during the fall out with having support from a counselor, my priest and a support group at church, in addition to wonderful friends and family.  I feel angry having to open it all up again.  It is my choice.  I want the annulment.  It just really sucks.  It sucks feeling stupid, feeling less than and unvalued.

Argh!  Just want to get it done!

Fortunately, I am not putting pressure on having to have it done before T~ and I get married.  It will get done when it gets done.  We can have our marriage recognized by the church after the fact.  I am not going to let the annulment take away from my present happiness in my relationship with T~.  We are excited about our plans for our wedding.  :)

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

So Many Variables

For much of January, I have been thinking and wondering and worrying...  Am I too old to have a baby of my own?  Are my eggs still good?  Is it selfish of me to want to have a biological child with T~?

And really what each of these questions should add is some form of "a healthy baby."  I am scared because the longer I wait, there is an increased chance there could be complications.  Usually, I am good about regular exercise and healthy eating.  However, my bigger concern is for the potential child.  I am nervous about possible health or developmental issues.  Sure lots of people have had healthy babies later in life.  Will that be me?  I would hope so.

But having been a teacher and now working in the medical field, I have seen more than my share of children with complicated medical or developmental needs.  It takes a lot of work.  And truth be told, I have had multiple parents who have expressed their guilt and confessed to me that they wondered if they had been selfish in having a child later in life.  They have wondered aloud if they brought on these troubles to their child...and stopping short of saying that maybe they should not have tried in the first place.  These are good people and I realize they are sharing these thoughts while under great distress.

Nevertheless, it gives me pause.  At what cost do you try?  Is the risk worth the benefit?  Who is the priority?  It is not all about you.  It is also about that future person you may bring into this world.  At what cost is it to them?  What are you maybe asking them to sacrifice?  Is it fair?

I know in some ways I am getting ahead of myself as T~ and I are still planning our wedding.  But, I can't help it.  I am feeling the pressure of time.  I want to make a responsible choice.  My thoughts waiver.  Should we try for a baby of our own?  Should we adopt?  Can I be happy without children and instead dedicate myself to my career by helping others?  Or should I focus my energies on the people in my extended family and friends?  Lots of questions and lots to think about.

When I start to feel overwhelmed by it, I focus on wedding planning and my life with T~.  It is much more fun.  :)

Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Looking Forward

Peace...

It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work.  It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart.  --Unknown

I hope to find peace in 2015.

Wishing you the best in the New Year!

Saturday, December 27, 2014

Flipping the Calendar

Today as I was flipping my work calendar to get a glimpse of what I already had scheduled for the next month, I heaved a sad sigh.  It seems of late that my life is blocked in month sized segments.  My work schedule is a heavy influence, but about a month at a time is all that I seem to be able to handle.  And the pages just keep turning and time keeps passing by me.  I feel relief when I get through a month, but then it is just another month that has passed.

I have planning my wedding to look forward to this year.  I am really excited, and so is T~.  We are nearly finished with finalizing the venue.  Then we will start figuring out the other large details, such as an officiant, photographer, flowers and music.  And I can seriously start shopping for a dress.  There is much to look forward to in 2015.  It makes me feel happy.

Then in the back of my mind, as much as I try to push it away, I worry about time...time to build a family.  T~ and I have talked about it and we would like to have a child or two.  We agree on small.  He is open to adoption, but it would be nice to try for a baby of our own.  With every passing month we grow older.  I want to enjoy us, and let our relationship continue to grow and unfold.  I'd rather not rush things just to try to get to a maybe baby.  I don't want to wait or put it off either.  Ideally, I would prefer to be married for a year before having a child.  We want to enjoy our first year of marriage.  I don't know how we will feel by then...we may want to try sooner or a tiny bit later.  And if we were to get PG, I want us to be able to enjoy that, too.  I don't want to put us on a timeline.  But, I also don't want too much time to pass.  I am scared of us missing our window of opportunity, but it may have already passed.  Who knows?

Every now and then I will click on a link to a parenting blog that was posted on FB.  Sometimes I read them because I am curious and other times I read them because maybe one day I will find the information helpful to know...maybe...maybe.  Some of the writings are touching or insightful.  Sometimes I tear up a bit, a sting, and I think to myself I must be glutton for punishment.  (The words that got me were I want them to have babies.)

This most recent post made my heart ache.  A mother reflects on her time in motherhood.  She realizes that this life that she has right now is beautiful and something that dreamed about as a girl, a girl who always imagined herself as one day being a mother.  She also believes that when the end of her days come that she will look back on this time as the best part of her life.  (She could be wrong or she could be right.)  But, what she decides to do is to be thankful and drink it all in and allow herself to fully be in the moment and appreciate it.

I wonder, if I don't become a mother, what chapter in my life will I most be wistful?  What part of my life will I hold dear and want to relive in my mind over and over?  Am I living it now?  I find it a little hard to believe while I feel like I am waiting in hope or longing for a dream that may not come to be.  

And that is why I try to shove those worries about time passing to the very farthest corner of my mind.  I am trying to find some space of peace to be able to be happy living the life that I do have.  I am trying so hard to enjoy and make the most of the life I have with T~ right now.  It happens at times, but I want more moments of balanced happiness than those of longing.

What are the chapters in the lives of the childless that are most meaningful or peaceful or happy?  What do the childless wish they could relive just as it was and not as they might have wished it could be?

Thursday, December 11, 2014

The Heart of it All

It was really good to be home for Thanksgiving this year.  My fiance and I went to Ohio to visit our families.  We had six days, and we spent the first half with my family and the second half with his.  It was really nice because T~ got to meet more of my friends.  My brother surprised everyone by dropping in for the holiday, traveling up from North Carolina.  My parents' reaction was priceless.  T~ and I looked at wedding venues, too.  While it was very full, it still felt unhurried and with quality time with those we love.

I really miss living in Ohio.  I miss home.  The trip was just further confirmation for me that I want to move back.  Fortunately, T~ would also like to move back to Ohio.  It fits us both well.  I want to be closer to our families...a car ride verses a plane ride...to be able to spend time with them for holidays and everyday life.  I feel like I am missing out on so much!

This has been the year that has filled me with more urgency and want to spend more time with my family and closest friends.  I've always enjoyed spending time with them, but time is precious and limited.  I feel a greater need to get home.  Priorities are shifting and I may not have the patience or the time for my career to catch up.  Plus, if I want a chance of trying for a family of my own, time is running out.  I may have to chose, but hopefully something will work in my favor soon.  A friend of mine said I was nesting.  I am just so thankful to have T~ in my life and that we are in it together.

Saturday, November 22, 2014

The Ugly

I am afraid of my parents dying before they are grandparents.

It is an ugly thought.  It is not one I want to admit.  As much as I try to push it away, it keeps slithering back.

I have had a really hard time lately.  Should I be realistic or keep the faith?  Part of it is coping with living childless right now.  Opportunities for motherhood are not completely out of the picture.  That door has not closed, but time is not on my side.

But, I do my best to remember to live the life I have now and embrace the love, joy and blessings I do have because sometimes what the heart wants, it does not get.  Actually, I just had a conversation about this concept with my fiance and how it relates to work, which has been a challenge in starting and establishing a second career.  I want to have a full-time position, but my field is competitive and jobs are limited.  It may take awhile, and it is important to consider at what cost as time keeps passing.  I have worked hard, but I may not get both.

T~ is a rock.  At least we have each other and he is dedicated to making the most of what we have.  I am happy to share my life with him.  And I remind myself again to breathe.

Thursday, November 13, 2014

Arm Wrap Up

Yesterday was my last session of PT for my shoulder.  There were a lot of emotions.  Nearly eight months of therapy after a failed attempt of treatment from another care provider and fourteen months since the injury.

I am thankful for being able to get a second opinion and to then get the care I really needed and advocated to get in the first place.  I am thankful for the doctor who believed my pain and that I should not settle for partial healing and movement of my arm.  I am thankful that he referred me to a fantastic PT group who also took my concerns as real and my desire to get better as true.  The new doctor and PT group found it reasonable for me to want to be able to put on a coat without pain or hook my bra when getting dressed in the morning or to be able to sleep through the night.  They recognized that my injury and healing process were atypical and were not going to give up.  They were able to work with my injury so that I could avoid surgery or manipulation under anesthesia.

It took a long time, and with very slow and steady progress.  They did not place blame or make me feel badly for it taking so long to recover.  They focused on the forward progress no matter how small.  They acknowledged my efforts and were my cheerleaders.  They listened to all of the little, subtle details of what I observed or noticed along the way to make adjustments or tweaks in their treatment plan.  They did not make me feel silly for being frustrated by some of the limitations I had experienced in my range of motion.   They were glad that I wanted to be able to throw a baseball again or reach for the cereal on the top shelf or be able to make snow angels.  I did not just want to settle for partial results.  Sure, I may not get back to exactly how my arm was before the accident.  But, I don't have to settle for good enough.  They understood that I wanted to get back to as close to my normal, which may be a bit farther than most because of me being hypermobile or naturally more flexible.  It was not a crazy expectation or unrealistic.  It was just me wanting to be me again.

So, before I left on that last day, I thanked the PT therapists who worked with me.  I also thanked other staff for their patience and kindness.  Once I stepped out of the hospital, I cried a little bit.  Tears of relief, tears of saying good-bye and tears of thankfulness.  Hopefully, it is over and my arm can heal that last five percent on its own with my own exercise, regular living and time.  I am walking away feeling confident in the medical care I finally received.