Monday, March 31, 2014

Mopey March

Hopefully, this is the last retrospective post for a while.  I want to get back into writing more regularly.  I feel better when I do write.  It is cathartic.

So, March highlights:
  • Still looking for employment and on the roller coaster ride of highs and lows of the job leads.  It is always a good idea to do your research while filling out applications and when preparing for interviews.  But in that research process, I start to picture my life in the alternate possibility and I get my hopes up.  It helps to build my confidence up, get excited about the position and I interview better.  However, when I learn an answer is no, it is very sad for me.  I try to remind myself to take a deep breath and to keep trying.
  • Life has felt imbalanced in that I feel like I am always working--trying to find a job, going to appointments for my arm and moving.  Super happy to be moving in with T~, but moving is stressful.  It is not uncommon for people to revert to old patterns or habits when they are under stress.  I found myself unnecessarily walking on eggshells wanting T~ to be happy.  He noticed the overcompensation and thankfully called me on it in a loving, kind way.  I told him I realized that I was feeling apprehensive about being happy about us moving in together because it was almost like waiting for the other shoe to drop.  So many times in my life has it seemed that good things were on the horizon or within my grasp for a short time only to fall apart or to be taken away.  Fear is a terrible thing and I am trying to let it go and be more trusting that life is going to turn out okay.
  • I have found myself pulling away from people.  I get the feeling that I want to crawl into a hole and hide.  My pride is hurt and I feel embarrassed.  But, when I do spend time with friends and family, I feel better and refreshed.  I am grieving leaving my last job because I miss the good work I was doing, miss my co-workers and had hoped for so much--especially because I had hoped they would start hospital school services.  But, other parts of it were not a good fit.  I know that and take comfort in those that share how much they valued me as being part of the team.  I am thankful for their support as I find my next position.
  • Leaving my apartment was emotional.  It never really felt like home.  I liked my first apartment in Orlando better.  It felt more like home and had many more happy memories there.  This last apartment was during a change in the tide, one that I was hopeful would bring many good changes.  Then my career took a different turn and I am sad about that.  However, my relationship with T~ continued to grow.  But in the process of searching for a new job, I feel like some aspects of my life with T~ are being put on hold or constrained.  It is not easy, but I am thankful for our love.  Moving in with him is a blessing, both for us and closure.
  • I was also crazy sick with a terrible bug for almost two weeks right during prime moving time.  It was really hard to lay off of packing to let myself rest before the final push.  Thankfully there was help!
  • Finally got to see a specialist about my shoulder!  Back at PT, but with a group associated with a hospital.  It seems that I injured my arm to a greater extent than what was initially thought.  Because I am flexible and somewhat double jointed, my shoulder snapped back into place when most people would have torn it or broken it.  Not me.  It is thought that I not only strained ligaments, tendons and muscles, but also blood vessels and nerves.  This means probably a recovery that is twice as long.  But at least I feel that I am getting proper care.  That is huge, especially because I haven't been able to sleep without pain for about six months.
  • Then finally, finally--to end on a happy note--I was fortunate to do some volunteer work for a week.  It has been something I have wanted to do for a while and now grateful to be able to do so.  It was a wonderful life experience that demonstrates the power of humanity to be part of something greater--with meaning, joy and purpose.
March has been about taking it one day at a time, setting small goals and moving forward.

Friday, February 28, 2014

February Run Down

Time is strange.  While it feels like time just keeps flying, I also feel stuck and that things are moving slowly.  I am busy everyday but I wonder, how much am I actually accomplishing?  It is another back dated post, but I seem to want to jot down some notes so that maybe I can see some progress, movement or forward motion.

Looking for a job is a full-time job.  It is a constant cycle of researching, completing applications and following up.  There is always more.

My health is important and having insurance is a priority.  There is relief that I can get it, but it is expensive--the laws vary from state to state and there are so many variables as to who is eligible for reduced premiums.  My arm still hurts and I need care.

Emotional IF meltdown with a trifecta of triggers.
  • Read an article linked from a blog about new research suggesting that the decline of egg quality is more like in the range of 33 to 37.  It means that egg decline begins earlier than 35 and that the range ends more quickly than previously thought.  It is more like dropping off a cliff.  While I know getting pregnant at 35 or after is high risk and greatly reduced, I thought there was more time in the decline.  I thought the time to be more realistic for it not happening for me would be around 40 or 42.  If the cliff is 37, then I have about six months to get pg.  And that is highly unlikely because the timing has been derailed for me.  While I am in a relationship, it is not the right time for us.  We just moved in with each other, my career is unsettled and I am unsure where I may be living in a year.  Life feels like it is on hold again in some ways.  And while the pause button has been pressed, time keeps passing and my window of opportunity gets smaller and smaller.
  • This got me thinking about my age and I realized that I am older than what my mom was when my sister was born.  My mom had my sister when she was 35 and I was 11.  I look at what my parents had at my age--marriage, a house, children, career and being part of the community.  I am nowhere near that and I feel like I am just floating and drifting from space to space.  There are no roots, stability or routine.  Everything is up in the air.  While some envy the freedom of my life in having choices to make my life whatever I want, the reality is that I am limited in my choices.  The economy is really tough and I don't want to rush my relationship with T~.  Time is a limited resource.
  • Then I return to those urges where I so very much want to be a mom.  And I wonder, was having a sister 11 years younger than me as close to motherhood that I am going to get?  Will I only get glimpses of it through my godchildren?  Will I only experience it through the joy I feel for my friends as they share pictures and stories about their own children?  Is it just not supposed to happen for me?
March is coming and while I am not specifically sad about the twins, I think I am feeling that undercurrent of emotion.  It has quieted down this year.  I think that I have made significant gains in my grief over the loss of adoption of them.  I think these overwhelming emotions are more related to facing the possibility that I may not ever become a mother.  Time is not out, but at some point you have to face reality--even getting ready to face that possible reality.

The twins would have been five-years-old this year, preschoolers getting ready for Kindergarten.

Friday, January 31, 2014

January Blur

This is a back dated post.  January in many ways was a very tough month for me (on top of several tough months leading into it).  I don't know how to write about it.  I did everything I could do and I feel I came out stronger and more confident in myself in the end.  However, I'm not working at the hospital.  It was not the right fit.  I took a risk.  But in starting my second career, I need a place that is more established and with more resources in place.  So, I am looking for my next career opportunity.  Please send me prayers and good vibes to find the place I am meant to be and to call home.

In the meantime, I think about what my friend Karen said and what other dear friends have said to me in the past but with a twist.  When one door closes, another one opens.  But sometimes you may have to walk down a hall to find it.  It speaks about having patience and it may take time to find the right job for me. On a good note, I am blessed with supportive friends and family.

Of course, I believe that everything happens for a reason.  That reason may still be showing itself and unfolding.  Only time will tell and I try to free my mind to possibility.

Although, maybe one reason why I came to Orlando was to meet T~.  As a matter of fact, T~ has been amazing.  And despite these challenges, our relationship has grown.  We are fantastic.  He wants me to move in with him and I am.  :)  It feels right and I love him so very much!

Tuesday, December 31, 2013

A Light Sketch

My mind is playfully dancing around the conversation T~ and I had just before bed last night.  It just kind of floated out there, all innocent like.  My heart is happy and I am in wonder in how simple and natural and easy the conversation started and flowed.  I'm not even really sure exactly when it started, it just happened and was.

T~ and I talked about moving in together.

We have talked in broad terms about our feelings and thoughts about marriage, children and things that bring us fulfillment.  We have talked about wanting to find a partner and share a life with someone special.

This conversation was a dreaming kind of chat or a light sketch about us.  No big or hard details, just feeling it out.  But, the words were said that he wants to share a home with me and I want to share a home with him.  It is all still early, but it was a real conversation with him.

And there is also something important that I've noticed about being with T~ in the last month or so.  I feel calm and confident about our relationship.  There isn't so much worry in trying to guess what he is thinking.  I just ask him and he says it.  There is a mutual transparency in our relationship.  Part of this has been me learning to be more bold and part of it is him.  And the times that we have spent apart, like being out of town visiting family, I have missed him, but I have felt at ease.  In my past relationships I may have felt twisted up, stressed and scared.  However, with T~, I feel secure-- secure in myself, in him and us when we are together and apart from one another.  Again, it is from my own growing, but it is also him.  I feel blessed to be with T~.

Monday, December 30, 2013

MRI Falling Apart?

"Getting old is hell, sweetheart."--Uncle Carl

That's what my great uncle would often say.  It was usually followed by a soft, knowing chuckle with a bit of honesty and humor.  But, he was always quick to point out that for which he was thankful, too.  It became harder over the years as he outlived so many in his lifetime.  However, my mind prefers to linger on the more resilient moments when Uncle Carl spoke those words.

Ugh.  Followed by meh.

The saga that is my shoulder injury from September continues.  Long story with an eventual MRI/MRA and plenty of deserved griping, but I'll skip all of that.  Good news is that I did not tear it nor have micro tears.  So, that means no surgery and a few weeks of physical therapy.  The bad news is that I have arthritis.  What?  How is that?  Well, apparently it has always been there but kind of quiet.  As the physician assistant put it, the injury awoken the bear.

Great.

Now that makes me feel old(er).  I am not exactly thrilled by this news.  He felt that the physical therapy should bring back range of motion and be mostly pain free.  He also did not seem too concerned about long-term treatment or who I should see next.  Seemed more like welcome to getting old(er).

I don't know how I feel about all of this, but it seems I'm fairly young to have this health issue.  I guess it will be more for me to look into for 2014.  I just want to be healthy and injury free for more than six months.  I am tired of feeling like my body is falling apart.  I'm certain there are worse things, but I'm concerned about the long-term effects and how to care for myself now so that I'm in better shape down the road, or less worse shape.  This is not helping the whole being healthy and young enough to have a baby.

But, the physician assistant said that after the physical therapy that I can take up running and yoga again, at least for a little while.  I am definitely going to be hoping for improved health in the coming year.

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

The Betweens

My blog is in a state of flux.  Sometimes I question if I have more to write, but then a post comes to mind and it goes on the page.  It sometimes feels like a trickle.  It is not so much that I am dealing with immediate IF issues.  I have used this space to process and grieve what once was my battle with IF.  Now it feels like I am grappling with the left over reverberation, such as how this has all impacted my parents and family.  They have been marked and hurt by the process and sometimes hurt for me in what could have been.  It is sometimes unspoken and more with a knowing sigh or glance.  Pandora's box has been opened and there is no going back to how it was before IF invaded our lives.  It has left a hole and there is no undoing of that want and dream of a child my own.  That chapter in my life has closed and the loss is still felt.

But, there are new chapters yet to be written and a child could still be a possibility.  There is a chance that a new dream of a new child could be born.  However, until that time, I am in a space of in between where I must find a way to live in the present.

And it is in this space of in between that I am trying to find peace and happiness and freedom.

So, where do I look for support?  It is a really, really small niche in the IF community.  As of yet, I have only really found two other blogs where a person was once married and dealing with IF and got divorced and were still of an age to be able to conceive a child potentially.  One stopped her blog shortly thereafter and the other remarried, but then her life quickly took a turn as she faced breast cancer.  This second blog has been very validating for me in a retrospective kind of way before the writer learned of her illness.  And she continues to be inspiring in framing what is most important in life.  Her situation made her have to get off the IF roller coaster.  Then how she documented her journey put things in a different perspective.  Her blog also helped me through my mom's treatments for breast cancer as the blogger was a few steps ahead of my mom in her treatments and it kind of prepared me for what was next.  lt helped me to focus on my current blessings and helped me find clarity in prioritizing what I want in my life.

So, I continue to look for ways to help me deal with the current childlessness in my life because if I do not, I may get stuck in my sadness and grief.  I need to find a way to live my life now and be happy.  The places I find myself more so lately are the blogs of those living childfree.  Perhaps there is something for me to learn from them to help me manage during this chapter in my life.  It is not that I am giving up hope on having a child, just trying to find a way to peaceably live until it may be time to dream that dream.


Saturday, November 30, 2013

November Guys

Another picture text came my way from my Mom and it was bitter sweet.  I know it is my family's way of including me, especially living further away and not getting to be part of family gatherings.  And I hate to admit it and it is one reason why it has taken me so long to write about it.  It stings and hurts on multiple levels.  I wish it wasn't so.  I really do.  I think I was trying not to let it bother me.  But the harder I try, the more it creeps back and hurts more.

One of my godsons celebrated his birthday in November.  It is also the same month of my Dad's birthday.  Little J~ is a guy's guy and loves being around his male relatives.  My mom gets a kick out of how much he enjoys my dad and buddies up with him.  In the picture, Little J~ was sitting on my Dad's lap playing an arcade game at Chuck E. Cheese.  My first thought was, how sweet.  Which, I guess is an improvement.  But, it was quickly followed by a piercing sadness.

Then my dad sent a picture text of Big J~ and Little J~ where they both had enormous grins.  It is a rare sight with my cousin because he is such a serious guy and his little boy doesn't fall far from the tree on that one.  That picture made me smile.  It wasn't as hard.  And I was happy for them, more wholly in that moment.

I continue to get better at seeing people in pictures with their children.  But it was hard to see one with Little J~ with my dad.  I want so much for that little boy to be my son sitting on my dad's lap.  I want to be the one to bring my parents joy with grandchildren.  Durring times like these, I briefly ask myself, why can't that be me?

It also doesn't seem to be getting any easier because as my parents get older, it is just another reminder that time is limited.  My mom recently shared that my dad is thinking about retiring next year.  I don't want him to retire.  It just really means he is getting older and I don't want to accept that.  It just doesn't seem fair.  But life is not fair as it keeps painfully reminding me.

All of this probably sounds selfish, but I cannot entirely help it.  I try to rise above.  But sometimes you have to admit those ugly feelings to yourself.  Otherwise, they just eat you up and that is not good.  I guess it goes back to the idea that feelings are not bad, it is what you do with them.  So, I keep it to myself.  And I remind myself to be thankful that my parents get to have these kinds of experiences.  And it is good for my cousin and my godson because Big J~'s parents each passed away awhile ago and never met there grandchildren.  It is a blessing for all to be there for each other to give support and share their love in other ways that cannot be.