Thursday, November 13, 2014

Arm Wrap Up

Yesterday was my last session of PT for my shoulder.  There were a lot of emotions.  Nearly eight months of therapy after a failed attempt of treatment from another care provider and fourteen months since the injury.

I am thankful for being able to get a second opinion and to then get the care I really needed and advocated to get in the first place.  I am thankful for the doctor who believed my pain and that I should not settle for partial healing and movement of my arm.  I am thankful that he referred me to a fantastic PT group who also took my concerns as real and my desire to get better as true.  The new doctor and PT group found it reasonable for me to want to be able to put on a coat without pain or hook my bra when getting dressed in the morning or to be able to sleep through the night.  They recognized that my injury and healing process were atypical and were not going to give up.  They were able to work with my injury so that I could avoid surgery or manipulation under anesthesia.

It took a long time, and with very slow and steady progress.  They did not place blame or make me feel badly for it taking so long to recover.  They focused on the forward progress no matter how small.  They acknowledged my efforts and were my cheerleaders.  They listened to all of the little, subtle details of what I observed or noticed along the way to make adjustments or tweaks in their treatment plan.  They did not make me feel silly for being frustrated by some of the limitations I had experienced in my range of motion.   They were glad that I wanted to be able to throw a baseball again or reach for the cereal on the top shelf or be able to make snow angels.  I did not just want to settle for partial results.  Sure, I may not get back to exactly how my arm was before the accident.  But, I don't have to settle for good enough.  They understood that I wanted to get back to as close to my normal, which may be a bit farther than most because of me being hypermobile or naturally more flexible.  It was not a crazy expectation or unrealistic.  It was just me wanting to be me again.

So, before I left on that last day, I thanked the PT therapists who worked with me.  I also thanked other staff for their patience and kindness.  Once I stepped out of the hospital, I cried a little bit.  Tears of relief, tears of saying good-bye and tears of thankfulness.  Hopefully, it is over and my arm can heal that last five percent on its own with my own exercise, regular living and time.  I am walking away feeling confident in the medical care I finally received.

Sunday, November 9, 2014

Blogging Relationships

Sometimes after commenting on another person's blog post, you realize that your comment could make a good blog entry.  I found Mel's post, Don't Starve the Good Bloggers, to be an interesting read.  It suggest diverting the energy in responding to trolls towards supporting the bloggers you enjoy reading and where their story, their writing touches you.  I like the idea of investing in others and sharing kindness.  The comments from the post seemed to follow a conversation around how people post comments or how often they receive them.  It reminded me of fostering relationships and friendships.  Below is my response to the post and its dialogue.

I think the blogging relationship between readers and writers follows similar patterns of friendships over a lifetime.  Some people are long time friends, some are casual friends, and some are work friends.  Some are neighbors or people you have met through a common interest, like going to the gym or taking an art class.  Some have that instant kinship or that feeling like you have been friends your whole life, and then a new chapter begins.  They will always be dear to your heart and you might miss them.  Some friendships ebb and flow where there are periods of closeness and periods of distance, but then closeness again.  People's lives change and we may go down separate paths.  The most fortunate of friendships are the ones that you can pick up right where you left off, no matter the time between.

For me, I feel like I am in a very small niche of the IF community.  When I started my blog, it was after the active TTCing and shortly after my marriage had ended.  It was and has been a way for me to process what I went through and the lingering shadows that follow me now.  I had made friends in the IF community from another source of support online before everything fell apart [in my marriage] and followed them here.  So, upon entering the blogging community, I started with a very low readership because I was not actively trying.  It has never been huge.  Who would read about "their worst nightmare?"  But, I keep writing for me and maybe, maybe it might be of help for someone out there.

And I've kept up in reading this blog [Stirrup Queens] because I enjoy what Mel has to say and because I have found some voices who have been through kind of what I am going through and are on the other side, the side without children.  It gives me a light in how to live right now as a childless person.  I may get another chance to try to be a mother, but not at the moment.  I find comfort in knowing if I have the opportunity to try to be a mother, I am connected to a place where others are actively trying.  But, it is also a space that if I remain childless, that there are women here to show me I'll be okay.

Thank you to all who read my blog!  Thank you to those who post comments, as well!  Thank you to the lovely ladies who have shared in their friendship with me beyond the online world and IRL!  Hugs!

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Watching From the Sidelines

It's not just me who sits on the sidelines...

When my parents came to visit, we all spent a day at the pool.  Growing up, my dad was the big kid joining in the fun with me and my brother, cousins or neighborhood kids in the pool.  I think in part it comes from my dad's youthful, playful spirit.  He would toss us in the air, ending in a splash of giggles and asking him to do it again.  Or he would make big waves in the pool with his long arms.  Or we would shout our requests for him to do cannon balls or jack knives.  In part, I think it comes from him growing up in a family of one in thirteen with a large extended family.  There was always a mix of ages and always children around.  As he grew older, his older siblings started having children, so there had been a pretty steady flow of youth in the family.  And it was fun to play and laugh and enjoy each other.

There was a small group of boys in the pool with their rough and tumble play.  It could have been a scene from my dad's youth with him and his brothers.  Growing up, Dad would have joined in our silly fun for just a moment.  But, these were not his children or nieces or nephews.  Of course, he would not initiate any interaction; it would not be appropriate by any means.  But, I felt like I could see the twinkle in his eye as he smiled and chuckled at the boys on the edge of mischief as he stood along the side of the pool.  There also seemed a kind of hesitation or a faint sadness.  Maybe that is me projecting my feelings of loss. But, these were not even his grandchildren.  If I can't give him one, will he ever get to be in that moment experience the joy of a child that is part of your family, your inner circle and play?  Has the moment passed?  Has it passed for me?  And for him?

Microblog Mondays

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Back to School

Labor Day has come and gone.  The last of the flurry of pictures and posts of the first day of school pics has just about wrapped up from the last few weeks.  Lots of proud Moms and Dads.  I am happy for my friends and family.  But, I am tired of feeling sad.  It's not just the baby pictures.  But even more as of late, seeing my friends and family send their children off to school makes me feel like my dream of a child is shrinking and so far away.

The twins would have been in Kindergarten.

Microblog Mondays

Friday, August 29, 2014

Up in the Air

Literally and figuratively...spending time on a plane and traveling and what possibilities lay ahead.

August and July have been all over the place as far as my career.  Things seem to be going well with my part-time position in that my work is appreciated by the families and my team.  It feels good to have that kind of success and I am grateful.  My hours have fluctuated up and down and now probably up by a lot, but still not full-time right now.  There have been changes in the company and one of my coworkers took another position.  So, I'm taking it one day at a time and do the best work that I can.

With things still not being full-time, I had followed a couple of promising leads.  However, I have not been successful, but have been SO close.  Both said it was a difficult decision, but want to keep my information on file should something come available.  Fingers crossed!

But for now, I will have to let go.  As I have said before, interviewing gets me dreaming and there is so much that I want in my life, my life with T~.  I would like a steady full-time job, healthcare benefits, retirement benefits, a house, travel, and to be in a place that when we are ready to start trying to have a family that we feel ready and not scrambling for the next steps to get us there.  It is hard getting your hopes up and to then be let down.  I am sad because I really wanted the last position, but it is all out of my control.  I did the very best that I could.  They really liked me, but the other person had just a little more experience in the specific department they were hiring.  It hurts to keep putting yourself out there.

Thankfully, T~ is very supportive and he understands that I need a break.  He admitted that he did not realize how competitive my field really is and underestimated how long it would take to get a full-time job.  Right now, I'm going to focus on my current job and enjoy some normalcy in my life.  It will be nice to focus on my life with T~, make wedding plans and slow down to enjoy life's simple pleasures.  I will accept the peace in my life and the other things will come in time.  I will keep hoping that the things in my daydreams will come in time.  And I will keep reminding myself to be thankful for the blessings in my life.

Then, T~ and I got to get away for a long weekend to go to Gen Con, a gaming convention, where I got to enjoy trying new board games.  It was nice to spend time with T~'s friends, too.  And it was nice to explore more of Indianapolis and be away to relax.  We both needed it and I hope we can plan for more time away soon, even if it is for a weekend.

And finally, between all of this running around, T~ and I decided to look into a new apartment with our lease being up in September.  We have been packing and doing all of the stuff that goes along with moving while trying to keep it loose in case plans changed.  But, as the month wrapped up, most of the stuff that was up in the air is now more clear.  We will be moving to the other side of Orlando, which will greatly help with my commute.  We are looking forward to having our first home together where we move into it as a couple.

Saturday, July 19, 2014

He Asked Me to Marry Him...

And I said yes!!!

I am over the moon happy.  :)  My heart feels so full and I am just bursting and I can hardly put it into words.  I love T~ so very much and I am so happy he loves me so.  We both cried and his proposal was loving and thoughtful and special.

I am so excited for the next steps in our lives together, to share in a life together!  I feel so blessed!

We're going to be getting married!!!

Thursday, July 17, 2014

Full House

A couple of months ago, T~ and I were doing a couple of test runs using Facetime on his iPad.  He was letting me borrow it for an interview.  At first we tried his older brother and sister-in-law with their two children, but they were not picking up our call.  They often Facetime with T~'s mom so he knew they had an account.  No luck.

Then, we tried T~'s younger brother and sister-in-law.  They answered the call and said they would help out.  After we got it set up and connected on Facetime, T~ asked his brother how he was doing.  He gave a vague answer and they both seemed quiet and almost kind of shy.  Knowing his brother, T~ softly teased and asked his brother again and called him out on that something was up and to just say it.  Looking back at his wife who was sitting beside him, they seemed to exchange looks.  She smiled and he seemed somewhat in disbelief and then he said they were going to be having a baby.

We congratulated them and they were happy.  They asked us not to tell anyone yet because the news was still new.  They had been TTC for about two years and were in the process of considering possible IVF treatments when they naturally got PG.

T~ and I suspect that they had just found out.  The timing of the news, the EDD and their reaction during the conversation.  Plus, they asked us not to say anything.  It felt like such a private moment between them that we just happened upon.  It was one of those rare intimate moments that you witness between a couple and you feel like an observer.  It is beautiful, but you feel a little awkward having witnessed it and out of respect for their privacy.

After our brief conversation and learning of their news, T~ and I said our good-byes.  We looked at each other barely taking it all in when T~'s older brother suddenly called on Facetime.  Still in shock of his younger brother's news, we fumbled through the conversation with his whole family and their mother, who was visiting.

Glad that we had kept our word about the news and once the Facetiming was finished, T~ asked me how I was feeling.  It was very kind and thoughtful of him to ask.  He didn't want to see me hurt.  But, I wasn't.  T~'s younger brother and sister-in-law knew that I experienced IF during my previous marriage.  I told T~ that news of babies can affect me differently.  Most times when I hear about a couple that has been TTC, I do feel happy for them without hesitation.  I think it does not make me sad because I can relate to the pain they have gone through to get that BFP.  They appreciate the miracle of conceiving a child.

So, fast forward to the present where T's younger brother and sister-in-law have already shared the news with their families...and why I can post about this story now.  In the sharing of their news, they also made a video and posted it on Facebook and YouTube.

T~ was excited to share the video with me, proud future uncle to his younger brother's child.  We watched it together and it was beautiful and touching.  And not even halfway through I started to cry.  T~ said he was sorry that he showed me the video and felt he had been thoughtless in that it did not cross his mind how I would feel.  I told him not to apologize, but I appreciated his concern.  I told him I was glad he showed me the video--he was being a proud uncle-to-be and sharing his life with me.  I would not want him to hide that.  I told T~ that it was a combination of happy tears and sad tears because I could relate to so much of it.  But, there are more happy tears than sad ones.  And this will not be the first or the last time that I will probably cry.  I told T~ that it is okay.  I would rather share in his life, his happiness.  I think my reaction may have helped him understand on another level just how big of a deal it can be to have a child.  It truly is a blessing.

The video took my breath away.  It really is beautiful and I am happy for them with all of my heart.  At the end of it, I had a feeling of yay, you did it!

Click here for the link.