Quiet

With all that has happened and is happening in the United States and around the world, to say that it is worrisome is an understatement.  I really do not like to get political online or on social media, as I do not like to invite confrontation and I'd rather respectfully discuss issues in person.

Since November, it has been difficult to wrap my brain around the election results.  It was sad to see Obama's last days in office as President.  On the day of the inauguration, I felt worse than the day after election day.  This past week and a half has been an overload on the senses with so many quick and drastic actions being taken.  It is very upsetting.

I worry about so many things that it feels difficult to know where to focus one's efforts and voice.  Healthcare, education, the environment, conservation, clean energy, immigration, libraries, public radio, human rights, free speech, they are all important.  And I'm sure there are other areas that I am forgetting because it is all so much.  It feels like the rule book is being thrown out and everything is rapidly devolving.

I'm trying to keep informed, but it can be overwhelming.  It is all very upsetting and I am worried.

However, I am glad that I am not the only one.  Someone shared this post.  A reminder of self-care is important.  Take action, and take steps to protect yourself.  It is likely going to be a marathon, not a sprint, to get through these next four years.  And on the state and local level, my eyes are opened wide.

Elephant in the Room

Before I started my blog, I found support for IF through a Baby Center forum group.  Each of the ladies that I met there has been successful in expanding their families, which I am sincerely happy for them.  Several of the ladies have even been fortunate to have more than one child.  Overtime as families started to grow, people transitioned away from the forum.  But, many have maintained a connection through Facebook.  It brings me joy to see them happy with their children.  They glow in their love for their children and families.  You can tell from their posts that they are very grateful and do not take for granted their blessings.  Life carries on and life brings challenges, but they handle it with strength and grace.

However, with being in different places in our lives, there has grown some distance.  It is natural to happen.  It is the ebb and flow of time and where we are in life.  But, it can be very lonely being the last of the group without a child.  When the last person had their baby a few years ago, I felt very sad and even jealous and angry at times.  I didn't write about it then because I did not feel like openly having a pitty party for me.  There may have been an entry that had a sentence or two that referenced it.  I edited it out because I did not want to hurt anyone's feelings or push them away.  But, the distance continued to expand either way.  I'm sure there are many reasons.  Sometimes people just have to move on to do their healing from IF.  Priorities obviously and rightfully shift.  There is more common ground with those who are also in the life stage of raising children.

As much as I don't want it to, it hurts.  Sometimes it is more and sometimes it is less.  More often than not, it is less now, but it has taken time.  Then I wonder, when will be the day when everyone is done growing their families?  Will I still be without a child?  Has that day already come to pass?  That will not really be known for quite sometime.  It will just silently happen and only to be determined by looking back to see when it was.

At least I feel like I am in a better place of acceptance now than when I first realized I was the last of the group without child.  And I have found other blogs to read, some parenting after IF, some trying to grow their families and some that are childfree.  Always new people to meet along the way.  Just not sure which way it will be for me.

Chinese Takeout

While doing some Christmas shopping and running some errands, I was drawn to the toy aisle in the drug store* (not just any drug store, but the end all be all of drug stores).

I don't know why, but this year I've been really excited about looking for toys.  Because of infertility, it has been a long time since I have enjoyed shopping for children's gifts.  Well, at least in terms of toys or clothes.  I've hidden behind the safety of books for many years, which my godchildren and little cousins have enjoyed.  I love books and I'm really good at picking them out.  And I'm told the kids look forward to it because they can't wait to see what I find for them.  It has become my niche and not everyone gives books, so it is kind of special.  And that was kind of my thing before the whole infertility cloud of darkness.  However, it has been a safe haven because I can either go to one store or go online to get all of my holiday shopping done.  Low risk for triggers.  Sadly, not exactly a place swarming with children.  We'll hope they are at the library picking out free books to borrow!

But this year was different.  Something shifted and I wanted to venture down the toy aisle.  Granted this was not the toy aisle of a big toy store, but it was toys.  I just let myself peruse and get lost in the fun of just looking.  I had no real goals.  Just looking.

Then, I was drawn to this toy.

At first glance, I laughed.  Play food has become so much fun, and it comes with a fortune cookie.  Then I had some sad feelings, the ones of longing.  But it was cute, and cooler than the cheeseburger.

I sent the picture to T~ on my phone followed by a texting conversation.

Me:  If I was a mom, would this be the kind of toy my child would have?

Me:  "Mommy is a terrible cook, so we got takeout!"  :O

T~:  We totally would have that!  "Mommy and Daddy expose me to all kinds of culturally diverse, delicious foods!"

Me: (Insert happy blow kiss face emoji.)

Maybe one day.


*Discount Drug Mart--The jingle sums it up nicely.  Discount Drug Mart saves you the run around.  You'll find everything you need!  I bet you can Google it or find it on YouTube.  Growing up in my hometown, this was (is) the go-to store to meet your errand needs.

Chess Game

I have a little bit of a tendency to get ahead of myself sometimes.  I worry easily.  In my last post, I eluded to what has been occupying my thoughts.

Life can sometimes feel like a chess game, where it seems important to set yourself up towards getting closer to your dreams.  The dream is possible motherhood and I worry about time.  T~ and I will be getting married in December and I am very happy.  I don't want to rush into trying to have a family, but time is limited.  On top of that, I am not quite where I would like to be in terms of my career.  I'm getting there, but I would feel much more comfortable if the status was a bit more permanent.  I want to be in a position to more comfortably provide for a child.

But, it is also for my feeling secure.  T~ is open to me working part-time and figuring it out.  But for me, having been through divorce, I do not feel comfortable possibly giving up my career for a child.  I left my full-time job in my past marriage when we started trying to have a family (the timing fell into place with him transferring out of state and I just finished the school year--I did not just up and quit--this was also just as the recession was rolling in and we moved to state with an over saturation of teachers), and then he left me.  I went back to school, and now I'm building a second career.  I do not feel any doubts about T~ and his commitment to me and to us.  I just worry about other terrible what if's.  The job market is very competitive and tight right now.  You don't really get an infinite number of chances.  There are times I wonder if I should have stayed with teaching.  It would have been the safe choice.  But then, I would not have met T~, and I was following my heart.  And he is wonderful and makes me feel happy.  I just hate being in a place of limbo.  I'm trying to be okay with where I am, but it can be difficult.  Also, I just don't want to end up in a place where I feel like I have to choose between child or career.  It feels like there is little room for error.

It is stressing me out.  I feel like if I don't get all of my ducks in a row in the next two or three years, then my chance at motherhood will quickly pass.  And even if it all works out like I hope, it is no guarantee for a baby.

So then I try to refocus my thoughts on the present and remember to be happy with what I have in my life.  It is not easy when you are a planner.

January Blur

This is a back dated post.  January in many ways was a very tough month for me (on top of several tough months leading into it).  I don't know how to write about it.  I did everything I could do and I feel I came out stronger and more confident in myself in the end.  However, I'm not working at the hospital.  It was not the right fit.  I took a risk.  But in starting my second career, I need a place that is more established and with more resources in place.  So, I am looking for my next career opportunity.  Please send me prayers and good vibes to find the place I am meant to be and to call home.

In the meantime, I think about what my friend Karen said and what other dear friends have said to me in the past but with a twist.  When one door closes, another one opens.  But sometimes you may have to walk down a hall to find it.  It speaks about having patience and it may take time to find the right job for me. On a good note, I am blessed with supportive friends and family.

Of course, I believe that everything happens for a reason.  That reason may still be showing itself and unfolding.  Only time will tell and I try to free my mind to possibility.

Although, maybe one reason why I came to Orlando was to meet T~.  As a matter of fact, T~ has been amazing.  And despite these challenges, our relationship has grown.  We are fantastic.  He wants me to move in with him and I am.  :)  It feels right and I love him so very much!

MRI Falling Apart?

"Getting old is hell, sweetheart."--Uncle Carl

That's what my great uncle would often say.  It was usually followed by a soft, knowing chuckle with a bit of honesty and humor.  But, he was always quick to point out that for which he was thankful, too.  It became harder over the years as he outlived so many in his lifetime.  However, my mind prefers to linger on the more resilient moments when Uncle Carl spoke those words.

Ugh.  Followed by meh.

The saga that is my shoulder injury from September continues.  Long story with an eventual MRI/MRA and plenty of deserved griping, but I'll skip all of that.  Good news is that I did not tear it nor have micro tears.  So, that means no surgery and a few weeks of physical therapy.  The bad news is that I have arthritis.  What?  How is that?  Well, apparently it has always been there but kind of quiet.  As the physician assistant put it, the injury awoken the bear.

Great.

Now that makes me feel old(er).  I am not exactly thrilled by this news.  He felt that the physical therapy should bring back range of motion and be mostly pain free.  He also did not seem too concerned about long-term treatment or who I should see next.  Seemed more like welcome to getting old(er).

I don't know how I feel about all of this, but it seems I'm fairly young to have this health issue.  I guess it will be more for me to look into for 2014.  I just want to be healthy and injury free for more than six months.  I am tired of feeling like my body is falling apart.  I'm certain there are worse things, but I'm concerned about the long-term effects and how to care for myself now so that I'm in better shape down the road, or less worse shape.  This is not helping the whole being healthy and young enough to have a baby.

But, the physician assistant said that after the physical therapy that I can take up running and yoga again, at least for a little while.  I am definitely going to be hoping for improved health in the coming year.