The New Mr. & Mrs.

We're married!!!

More photos to come, as this was at the end of the night and the only picture that I took.  Oops!  It was beautiful and fun!

Recessional
Carl Goes Up, Up Soundtrack

(I realize the song comes from a movie steeped in infertility, but it just felt right.  There is something very freeing and hopeful about the song.  It  marks the start of a new journey, even if it is not all how you imagined.  Plus, T~ enjoys Pixar films.)

Bump Envy

It's Thanksgiving this week, my favorite holiday of the year.  For me it is good food and spending time with family.  It is a time to be reflective and acknowledge blessings.  The focus for me is on the positive without all of the fuss of presents and gifts that come with other holidays.  It is about being present with those that you love.

Thanksgiving time tends to raise my spirits, warm my soul and feel lighter, almost carefree but with a mindfulness of the good in my life.

Strangely and recently, a slew of ladies at work have shared that they are expecting a child.  There are baby bumps everywhere.  I don't think I have seen this many all at once since first dealing with infertility.  However, this time it is different.  It doesn't sting or hurt like it did.  Maybe it is because I'm getting married soon and I've got wedding on my brain.  Maybe it is because this is the closest I've been in a long time to be somewhat near a place in my life that I may entertain the idea of having a child.  Maybe it is because there is some sliver of hope that I may one day be a mom.

It has been a very long time since I have felt happy in a daydream of maybe one day being pregnant or having a child.  It has been about ten years since the last time I first seriously started thinking about building a family.  It has been a really long time.

I'm choosing to dance in the dream of motherhood, even if just for a spell.  Because isn't it wonderful to catch yourself in a dream once in awhile?  No strings attached or what if's.  Reason has no place.  It's just a dream and a song in your heart...to be free to feel...if just for that moment.

Not a Weirdo, Check

I'm glad I got a couple of comments on my last post because I was feeling a little vulnerable admitting my bristling about marriage and best friends.  I am not saying you can't marry your best friend.  It is just not the only option or that there is something lacking.

I am happy to say I am marrying my partner and lover and adventure mate.  There is mutual love and respect.  We both want this relationship as much as the other person.  There is balance.  I feel we are both in this together, and that seems like a great way to start!

At Home in the Midwest

Today was the first day of my new job.  It is the start of a new chapter.  I've returned to my home state of Ohio, and it makes me feel happy.  I have not lived in Ohio for nearly 16 years, and I have been longing to come back home.

I missed being closer to my family and long time friends, a car ride verses a plane ride.  Just doing everyday things together and not feeling like every visit is about trying to catch up.  Wanting to be there instead of living through pictures.  Feeling the hugs and hearing the laughs instead of remembering them or imagining them as we spoke on the phone or sent messages.

I missed the seasons, the snow and the fall.  I missed it being cool enough to enjoy hot tea or hot chocolate.  I missed the rich warm hues of fall leaves.  I missed having some gray days to hide away and curl up with a blanket.  I missed the quiet brightness of the snow.  I missed the tulips and daffodils.  I missed the rustle of leaves when the wind blows.  I missed the cool summer nights.  I missed the reduced humidity, so as not feeling like you need gills to breathe.  I missed the sweet corn.  I missed the richness of the varying shades of green and grass that feels soft beneath your feet.

T~ will follow once he secures a job.  Then he will come with all of our stuff.  I will be in temporary housing until then.  He is also excited to return to Ohio as his family live here, as well.  It will be nice to be closer to family.  And we have friends here and near by, too.

Something about home runs deep.  It feels good to be home at last.

Microblog Mondays

He Asked Me to Marry Him...

And I said yes!!!

I am over the moon happy.  :)  My heart feels so full and I am just bursting and I can hardly put it into words.  I love T~ so very much and I am so happy he loves me so.  We both cried and his proposal was loving and thoughtful and special.

I am so excited for the next steps in our lives together, to share in a life together!  I feel so blessed!

We're going to be getting married!!!

Mopey March

Hopefully, this is the last retrospective post for a while.  I want to get back into writing more regularly.  I feel better when I do write.  It is cathartic.

So, March highlights:

• Still looking for employment and on the roller coaster ride of highs and lows of the job leads.  It is always a good idea to do your research while filling out applications and when preparing for interviews.  But in that research process, I start to picture my life in the alternate possibility and I get my hopes up.  It helps to build my confidence up, get excited about the position and I interview better.  However, when I learn an answer is no, it is very sad for me.  I try to remind myself to take a deep breath and to keep trying.
• Life has felt imbalanced in that I feel like I am always working--trying to find a job, going to appointments for my arm and moving.  Super happy to be moving in with T~, but moving is stressful.  It is not uncommon for people to revert to old patterns or habits when they are under stress.  I found myself unnecessarily walking on eggshells wanting T~ to be happy.  He noticed the overcompensation and thankfully called me on it in a loving, kind way.  I told him I realized that I was feeling apprehensive about being happy about us moving in together because it was almost like waiting for the other shoe to drop.  So many times in my life has it seemed that good things were on the horizon or within my grasp for a short time only to fall apart or to be taken away.  Fear is a terrible thing and I am trying to let it go and be more trusting that life is going to turn out okay.
• I have found myself pulling away from people.  I get the feeling that I want to crawl into a hole and hide.  My pride is hurt and I feel embarrassed.  But, when I do spend time with friends and family, I feel better and refreshed.  I am grieving leaving my last job because I miss the good work I was doing, miss my co-workers and had hoped for so much--especially because I had hoped they would start hospital school services.  But, other parts of it were not a good fit.  I know that and take comfort in those that share how much they valued me as being part of the team.  I am thankful for their support as I find my next position.
• Leaving my apartment was emotional.  It never really felt like home.  I liked my first apartment in Orlando better.  It felt more like home and had many more happy memories there.  This last apartment was during a change in the tide, one that I was hopeful would bring many good changes.  Then my career took a different turn and I am sad about that.  However, my relationship with T~ continued to grow.  But in the process of searching for a new job, I feel like some aspects of my life with T~ are being put on hold or constrained.  It is not easy, but I am thankful for our love.  Moving in with him is a blessing, both for us and closure.
• I was also crazy sick with a terrible bug for almost two weeks right during prime moving time.  It was really hard to lay off of packing to let myself rest before the final push.  Thankfully there was help!
• Finally got to see a specialist about my shoulder!  Back at PT, but with a group associated with a hospital.  It seems that I injured my arm to a greater extent than what was initially thought.  Because I am flexible and somewhat double jointed, my shoulder snapped back into place when most people would have torn it or broken it.  Not me.  It is thought that I not only strained ligaments, tendons and muscles, but also blood vessels and nerves.  This means probably a recovery that is twice as long.  But at least I feel that I am getting proper care.  That is huge, especially because I haven't been able to sleep without pain for about six months.
• Then finally, finally--to end on a happy note--I was fortunate to do some volunteer work for a week.  It has been something I have wanted to do for a while and now grateful to be able to do so.  It was a wonderful life experience that demonstrates the power of humanity to be part of something greater--with meaning, joy and purpose.

March has been about taking it one day at a time, setting small goals and moving forward.

January Blur

This is a back dated post.  January in many ways was a very tough month for me (on top of several tough months leading into it).  I don't know how to write about it.  I did everything I could do and I feel I came out stronger and more confident in myself in the end.  However, I'm not working at the hospital.  It was not the right fit.  I took a risk.  But in starting my second career, I need a place that is more established and with more resources in place.  So, I am looking for my next career opportunity.  Please send me prayers and good vibes to find the place I am meant to be and to call home.

In the meantime, I think about what my friend Karen said and what other dear friends have said to me in the past but with a twist.  When one door closes, another one opens.  But sometimes you may have to walk down a hall to find it.  It speaks about having patience and it may take time to find the right job for me. On a good note, I am blessed with supportive friends and family.

Of course, I believe that everything happens for a reason.  That reason may still be showing itself and unfolding.  Only time will tell and I try to free my mind to possibility.

Although, maybe one reason why I came to Orlando was to meet T~.  As a matter of fact, T~ has been amazing.  And despite these challenges, our relationship has grown.  We are fantastic.  He wants me to move in with him and I am.  :)  It feels right and I love him so very much!

Dating Hesitation

Since moving to Orlando, I have been fortunate to have gone on a few dates.  It has been fun meeting new people while attracting the attention of some nice men.  One guy wasn't a good match for me.  He was a nice guy, just not quite the right fit.  Another guy was a lot of fun, but he lives a little ways away on the beach.  I get the impression he is still balancing some things in his life and the distance thing does not help that.  Or maybe I wasn't a match for him?

But, I am okay with accepting if the fit is just not there in the early phase of dating and then moving onto the next possibility.  I think I am improving in that area and not taking it as personal.  It is a good thing to feel comfortable in not feeling like I have to settle for an okay fit or good enough.  I value wanting there to be more of connection that is satisfying for both people.  I want a relationship that I can enjoy and that they enjoy with me.  I want to share a life with someone.  I want to have fun and look forward to seeing them.

Then with the most recent guy, it's still kind of early and I am trying to take things slowly.  I'm trying to return to this approach in general because I think it will help me to get to know the person better to head off getting clouded and confused.  Once I am emotionally attached it is easier for me to overlook or forgive behaviors, flaws or synchronicity that is off where it may not be the best match.

I have found myself with that familiar feeling of being tickled when I get to see him.  He is easy to talk to about similar interests and what is happening in life.  He is kind, open and insightful.  However, when we went on a few dates, I found my nerves bubbling up and getting the best of me.  I was thinking too much and not in the moment.  Panic was setting in and it was freaking me out.

In part, I realize that I feel a little more pressure with dating now than I did before when I lived in Pittsburgh.  When I was in Pittsburgh and I first started dating again, it was an adventure.  At first I didn't take it too seriously because I figured that if things didn't work out, that I would be leaving after graduation.  The plan was to get my degree, get a job and get the heck out of there.  Pittsburgh was supposed to be temporary.  It was kind of liberating and allowed me to be more in the moment.  Then I met and fell in love with RJ, which was not part of the plan.  I was coming to a place of happy acceptance that life is not always what you plan and some the best stuff can pop into your life when you least expect it.  My thoughts and hopes for my future shifted towards envisioning a life in Pittsburgh with RJ.  However, that relationship ended and I became open to leaving town, again.  This time it was with a heart with mixed emotions.  It was an opportunity to embrace a fresh start, but it meant distance from the people who became my very close friends and confidants.  Pittsburgh crept into my heart and I made it my home.  It was bitter sweet for me to leave.

Now dating feels more real, like the stakes have been raised and there is less room for error, for heartbreak.  It was so difficult for me to live in the same neighborhood as RJ after the relationship ended.  There were so many reminders of him.  There was a history with A~, but he left town.  Part of me is afraid that if things start and end with someone in Orlando, I wouldn't have a place to run.  I am afraid of getting hurt again.  And I think this is silly.  Lots of people start and end relationships where they live and they reestablish themselves.  And dating should be fun and it should be an adventure!

Finally, I have been worried that if things got more serious with the most recent guy and if it ended, I'm worried about possibly hurting him.  I want to keep things more light and breezy.  He has stated that he likes me, but knows and is understanding that I want to take things slowly.  But, I don't want to hurt him, and kind of selfishly I don't want to deal with the emotional fallout in how it may impact me.  Insert where I know I am being contradictory of myself because I have been angry and suspect that RJ did that very thing to me.  It's holding me back, I can feel it and it has been bothering me.

The recent guy is a grown man and makes his own choices.  I should not be trying to be responsible for him not getting hurt.  We each have a responsibility to be honest and respectful with each other.  But, each person is responsible for their own feelings and the risks they take.  There is some element of trust in there.

With these realizations, it has helped me to understand what I think is the root of my problem.  I am feeling a little better being able to identify my worries.  Hopefully, I can let go of them and get back to being more relaxed, present and authentic...to just be me!  It's got to be all in to give me, him and us a chance to see if it can begin and to see where it may lead.

Turkey Day Thoughts

While it is still Thanksgiving weekend, I want to remember to quickly get down some thoughts while they are fresh in my mind.  So much has been happening in such a short amount of time that I am not getting to all of the posts that I have floating along in my head.

• I am thankful for my new job and I am loving it!  Even with not being a morning person, I find myself happy and looking forward to the day when I get up around 5:15 am.  My spirits are usually high as I jam along with my early commute watching the sun start to come up.
• I am thankful for family and friends who love me.  Emails, texts and phone calls carry with me as I often wonder how everyone is doing.  My thoughts and prayers are with you all for health, peace and happiness.
• I am thankful for the new friends that I am making in Orlando.  I am starting to make connections here and it is helping me to settle into my new home.  Just want to keep going with the exploring and adventures that come my way.
• I am thankful for this new chapter in my life.  Moving to Orlando has given me a fresh start and a new perspective.  I feel more open and free than I have in a long time.  I am hopeful for what is on the horizon as I try to remember to take it one day at a time and live in the present.
• I am thankful for healing space.  It takes a lot of strength to let go and I imagine myself more and more on the side of freedom.  My past will always be part of who I am, but there is more focus on the present in who I am now.
• I am thankful for my family in Florida and having the opportunity to spend my first Thanksgiving in Orlando with them.  Of course I missed my parents, brother, sister and cousins this year.  But this holiday was I think the first that my heart did not hurt for a longing of a life I so desire to have.  I needed that.  Even with other holidays being better since my divorce, there has always been that little stab of emotional pain that crept into my heart.  A friend of mine suggested that I spend a holiday doing something totally different.  Part of me wished I took her up on that offer a few years ago, but I think I got to experience some of that relief this holiday.  There are times I feel sad with lost dreams, not being able to provide my parents with grandchildren, and a longing to share a life with a love.  Thank you to my cousins for being so welcoming.  It was a lovely day.  And it was funny because my cousin's mother-in-law makes homemade stuffing very similar to my mom's.  So in some ways, my Cleveland Thanksgiving was not too far off from the Thanksgiving table in Florida.  My mom's stuffing is better.  But, this was a good close second.

Orlando Came Calling

As it turns out, the universe was listening.  I have a job!  It is so great to be able to say that.  I have a job at a new hospital in Orlando as a Child Life Specialist.  It is an amazing opportunity and I am so grateful.  It is exactly the type of position that was the focus of my master's degree. 

At first I was told that they found someone with hospital work experience, but that they wanted to hold onto my resume since they anticipated growth.  Hence the previous posts of disappointment.  I had such a good feeling and had been so hopeful.  So, when I got the call for the offer a few weeks later, it was quite a surprise.  As a matter of fact, when I returned after my second interview, I went shoe shopping to find something to go with my dress for a friend's wedding and found a cute pair of wedge heels.  They were a maybe for a match with the dress, and I ended up deciding on another pair.  But, the shoes were such a good price, and the braided jute accents just said Florida all over them.  I remember thinking to myself, "I don't need two new pairs of shoes, but maybe I should keep them.  They are just so right for Florida."  I took it as a sign that Orlando was calling me.  When I got the initial news, I thought, "No, not the Florida shoes!  I don't want to return the Florida shoes!"  My disappointment in kind of having to return the shoes seemed to reflect just how much I really wanted the job and felt it was right on so many levels.

So, even if all did not unfold as neatly as I may have liked, it is still crazy good that I got the offer and I will be going.  As I said, it is a brand new hospital and everyone is new.  There is a lot of good, positive energy and I cannot wait to begin.  With everything being so new, there is an element of not fully knowing what to expect. 

My friend, Pete, asked me a couple of days ago, "Are you scared? I mean, to move some place totally new and all by yourself?" He said that he thought that I was brave because he has only lived in the same city his whole life and cannot imagine being anywhere else. My friend, Melissa, kind of shared the same sentiment, but in a totally different context in that she is jealous that I have lived in so many different places and highlighted it being a great opportunity.  My knee jerk reaction is, "Yeah, I've done this before."  I will not be totally alone either.  I have cousins and aunts who live in Orlando.  However, if I stop and think about it, I start to wonder what I have really gotten myself into with this new position and move?

The closest that I can come to describing it is that it is like going away for college.  You think you have an idea, but there is so much yet to be discovered and so much that is unanswered.  It is kind of like going in blind, and it is all of what you make of it.  The same could be said for when I went to study in Spain for a semester in college.  I took those risks for me and they worked out well.  I just have to have faith in myself and remind myself that God has a plan for me.  He is leading me somewhere and while it may be challenging at times, I have to trust and believe I am exactly where I need to be right now.  The whole experience of moving to a new city and restarting my career in some place new in of itself is a grand opportunity to really start fresh.  It is exhilarating and scary and hopeful.

I'd almost say it's like restarting my life, but I've been living a new life for quite some time since the infertility and divorce. And I am proud that I have been making a life for myself while rebuilding, going to grad school and searching for a steady full-time job. I have found a pretty good balance of living life in the moment while going with a plan with some fluidity. In the good kind of way, I think this chapter in my life has well illustrated the old adage, "Life is what happens while you are busy planning it."

It's been a whirlwind--or as my hairdresser told me--a cyclone!  During the past three weeks, the offer was made, I accepted the position (with a bit of thinking time to be sure I wasn't being totally rash), began calling/emailing/facebooking to share the news, flew down to Florida to find an apartment, signed a lease, have been packing, made moving arrangements, packed some more, went to a wedding, and have been squeezing in as many good-byes to my Pittsburgh friends and Cleveland friends and family.  I have had hardly a moment to think about it.  Sometimes there are fleeting thoughts and then it is back to work.

I have experienced excitement about moving to Orlando.  And I know that I will miss Pittsburgh, too.  I have made some wonderful, supportive friends here.  I have made memories and will always have a connection to this city.  I've said it before and I'll say it again, I am happy that I was able to make living in this city my own experience--to really take it back and own it.  There may be some sad things here, but I think the good things far out number them and have greater power.  I have felt a lot of love here.  And I did it when when my whole other life was falling apart.  I invested in myself and those around me who cared.  So, if I can make it in a strange place in the midst of heartbreak and crisis, I can certainly make friends and a home in a new place, as well.  Pray for me and wish me well!  I have felt the love here with my circle of friends on-line and I thank you for allowing me to share my journey with you!

Another funny note--When I went to Orlando for my second interview, I stayed in a hotel next to the one that I stayed in with some of the BBC ladies on that first gathering three and a half years ago!  When I met the ladies there, I never imagined really returning there.  I took that as another sign that I was supposed to be in Florida.  Funny how life works sometimes.

Okay, Universe...Let's Try This Again

Well, its back to plugging away for my next career opportunity.  It is disappointing to get sooooo close, but not close enough.  I have a few more job interviews yet, so please keep me in your thoughts and prayers.  These are still great opportunities and bring their own strengths.  And there may be some opportunities to come on the horizon.  It is not easy to find full-time employment in this economy.  With my last attempt I was 1 of 10 interviewed out of 1,500 applicants.  They said that they anticipate growth in their department and would like to hold onto my resume.  Slowly getting closer and holding onto hope.  In my heart I feel like I am on a path of where I am supposed to be, and I know I will be fantastic.

Sending It Out to the Universe

I've got big things cooking with some great potential for awesome career opportunities.  The closer I get, the more I get excited.  I've got to keep my focus, shine and keep the positive energy going.  Tomorrow is a big day.  Keep me in your thoughts for the very best possible outcome!  I welcome all the good vibes y'all care to send my way.  :)

My Space, My Release

Lately, I've been running a lot.

Running to clear my head.
Running to process the layers of transition in my life.
Running to say good-bye.
Running to be brave in chasing my dreams.
Running to embrace the faith that I am exactly where I am supposed to be.
Running to feel alive and connected to the natural, beautiful world.
Running to feel the air in my lungs.
Running to savor the last chill in the air before the change in seasons.
Running to lift my spirits.
Running to start anew.

Running.


So, with all of the running comes the increased desire to find new music that makes running that much more motivating and pleasurable time for me.  Music is a great way to move through emotions, experience a release and find comfort.  I like a mix of sad, angry and happy.  These are the songs that have been on repeat on some of my runs, both in letting go and in turning towards a better future.

Then a friend posted a song in her blog that I think I may need to add to my running mix.  Somehow it seems to capture everything by starting sad, but then the music seeming to slowly progress into building towards hope.  The words are of loss and good-bye, but the melody seems to carry a tone of moving forward.

Twinges

The tiny twinges still come every now and again, followed by a distant sadness and a more present guilt. While I do feel much more closure with my past experience with IF and adoption from my previous relationship, the stir of mixed emotions surface, catch me by surprise and send me into a cycle of mourning and frustration.

For example, just before Christmas I was walking along the street back to my apartment. I was smiling to myself taking in decorated the store fronts and thinking about seeing my family for the holidays. In the mix of the busy shoppers along the sidewalk, a neighbor girl and I noticed each other at the same time and caught up with each other to hug and say hello. I had known for months that she and her husband were expecting, and I asked her how she was doing and feeling. Pulling aside her winter coat she showed her growing baby bump and said it was getting harder and harder for her to move about and having a lot less energy. She was beaming and looked so excited in the wonder of her experience. It was very touching and I felt her gratitude.

As it was very sweet and I felt happy for her, I was caught off guard yet again by my internal turmoil--a tiny twinge of hurt that I cannot control. The grown-up part of me rationalizes that of course I am happy for the pregnancies and children of the people in my life while recognizing the importance of being genuinely happy for others. But there is also almost this protective layer where I have to build up those thoughts of happiness into a wall because I am afraid and I do not want to show any trace of my own simultaneous sadness at that moment. And then in trying to suspend my feelings of sadness, I start to feel guilty and frustrated that I cannot always just plain feel happy for the other person. And in walking away from that kind of moment, I begin to silently acknowledge those mixed feelings which sends me into a longing for a life that I so want--a husband to share a life and maybe a family together.

The inside/outside box significantly helped me to bring a validating context to a specific mourning of the twins. I do feel released from that pain. I feel myself moving forward.

Then I am feeling less and less angry about the fourteen years I spent with my ex--in the precious time that was robbed when it could have been spent with someone who could have been more honest about shared dreams instead of the perpetual waiting--waiting for him to be ready, waiting on account of his career goals, waiting for the "right" time, waiting for our bodies to cooperate, waiting for the news that it was not going to happen, waiting... It may not sound like I am less angry. But really, I am. I am because I am so tired of being angry. I am done. I am accept where I am right now.

So, my thoughts turn towards the present and I find myself looking for a job, wanting to be settled and more stable. The pain I feel surrounding career, having a house, marriage, pregnancy, children has shifted from the mourning of the past into a yearning for the future. And I ask, why can't I have that? When is it my turn?

I realize there are plenty of other women out there wanting the same things with a variety of stories from their own life journey. As much as I don't want to admit it, the biological clock is ticking. And it is ticking very loudly. I feel like time is slipping away and that my window is getting smaller and smaller. And it isn't all about babies either. The fact is that I am getting older, and my body is going to get older, and I enjoy being active and doing things out in the world and I want to do them with the man I hope to spend the rest of my life. I try to put it out of my mind, but then when another six months goes by and I feel like I am still so far away from so many of my dreams, it feels like it could crush me.

I feel so frustrated with feeling like my life is in a forever holding pattern. It is really difficult starting all over again and feeling like I am in the same place that I was as a recent graduate with my bachelors degree. I've been there, done that, had a career, and I now I am doing it again. And I feel like I am being passed up by so many in the world on soooo many levels. There are times that when I think about it, it is really easy to have a pitty party and I all I want is some acknowledgement that yes it can suck. And then there are other times that I just want to scream my head off--This is not stink'n normal!!!

Finally, I just don't want these dreams with just anybody. I want them with someone special, someone I really love and care about, someone who is just as gaga for me as I am for them. I want to have someone to dream with and to share a life together. I am ready!!!

But I have to spend less time wanting and more time doing. My patience is being tested to the n-th degree and that is when I have to take a deep breath and try to go with the flow and not to force things. I have to be more focused on what I do have and appreciate that because otherwise I am likely to drive myself crazy.

Graduation--I Made It!

It is official, official--I graduated and I now have a Master of Science in Applied Developmental Psychology. One-hundred five pages of my thesis project in program design proposing a preschool literacy program for a children's hospital setting is done. An executive summary of two pages highlighting the most important elements of my program and oral comps to present my project to a two person panel in the department is complete. With the final edits submitted, I can now say that I have accomplished my academic goal.

It was a lot of hard work and I had spent many long nights reading and writing to get it all done on time. Even though the class is for three credits, it is really six credits worth of work. Plus I was studying and preparing for the Child Life exam in November, which I passed. That was the equivalent of three credits. So, this fall was like going to school full-time, plus I have been working part-time with a temporary job at the children's hospital. Looking back, I don't know how I got it all done. But I am grateful for my friends and family who were patient and supportive as it took away much of my free time.

My mom and dad came into town for my graduation ceremony last week. I am so happy that they were able to come and share in my day. RJ and his parents also attended the event. And when the dean asked family and significant others to stand for recognition of their support, they took their turn. I was so happy to turn around and see their smiling faces.

These past few weeks have been especially emotional for me. As the deadline for my work was due, I waited with bated breath to see if I would really be able to get it all done. I was afraid to admit that I was going to graduate because I was afraid of the "what if's" and I did not want to disappoint myself or anyone else. But I kept working and pushing to get it done and to get it done well. I do not like to do anything half-heartedly.

But my emotions have also spilling over because graduation has a greater significance than just another degree. It is also part of my journey in taking back my life. Pouring myself into school is one thing that I have used to cope with the changes in my life in the midst and after the divorce. It was my chance to invest in myself and to have something good to work towards. And on the days when my mind would start running about what was going to happen to me, grad school allowed me to refocus on the smaller goals and to just take it one day at a time or one class at a time. With every passing assignment and every passing class, it helped to build my confidence.

On the days when it would be really tough, I had a song in the back of my mind urging me to keep going to keep doing my best. I was on my way to moving further and further beyond the heartbreak of my past. I kept telling myself to trust in myself and that everything would be worth it and the fresh start with independence was just around the corner. If I needed some inspiration before settling into writing my paper, I would play this song and remind myself to get back to the business of the task at hand. It is also heavily played on my iPod with the pounding of my feet along the pavement in the cool fall/winter air in those few times that I can squeeze in a run.

It is the end of one chapter and the beginning of a new one, which is both terrifying and freeing. During this last semester, especially towards the end as I got closer to finishing, I found there were moments that I could not help but cry. With frustration, I would also ask myself why I am feeling this way? But then in another moment, I would feel on top of the world, proud of myself, and bursting to show the world what I have to give. I should be feeling a more constant happy, but I often feel a mess of everything all at once. It ebbs and flows and in the moments of peace, I try to relax.

I had the school plan in place and now that it is done, I actually have some choices to make. I need to decide where I want to focus my job search. Where do I go from here? It is completely open and I am not entirely sure. I am hoping to steal away a little bit more time so that I can be still for just a moment and listen to my heart. While I do not want to rush, I do not want to miss any opportunities either.

But also, I want to get back to the business of living my life more freely--spending time with the people I care about and enjoying the simple fun in life--slow it down a bit to notice and to take pleasure in what I am thankful to have in my life. But I think what will help get me there are the wise words from one of the speakers at my graduation. She said let your faith be stronger than your fear. Have faith in yourself, have faith in what you are set out to do with accomplishing greatness, and have faith in God that He will lead you.

Moving Day

Tomorrow my parents are coming into town to help me move into my new apartment this weekend. I am moving into the city and will be closer to school and some of my friends, oh and New Guy. It is a move that I am ready to do.

Life is different in the burbs and there is more opportunity for me in the city. I will be bummed that I will not be as close to my friends in the suburbs, but I am not in that place in my life--not married, no children. And I know that I will have no problem driving out to see them when they are not busy doing their thing.

My apartment was a good place for me after moving out of my house and I will be grateful that I had it at that time in my life. It was a place of security in that I could easily get to the turnpike if I needed or wanted to drive back to Cleveland to see my family. I could have tried finding a place in the city then, but I wasn't entirely sure which neighborhood I would want to live. Some had too many memories from the first time I lived in the city with my ex and others were unknown about the safety factor. It is one thing to visit a place and it is another thing to live there. Pittsburgh is not a majorly crime ridden area, but I think it is important for a woman to be extra aware of her surroundings. I felt safe and comfortable in that first apartment and it was what I needed at the time when I was starting my life living on my own.

Now I am ready for a change. It will be good to be in a new place in a new season and at a time when my life is so very different than it was a year ago. While my old apartment was a source of comfort, it also holds the memories of when I was first really living entirely on my own. I realize that I had been living by myself for nearly a year while still in the house. But this place was my first home that had no connection, ties or memories with my ex. With the dark of winter fast approaching, I sometimes remember those lonely and confusing days. I felt unsure of myself in my confidence and in my future. It was a lot of living one moment at a time and exploring the world as a single woman. It felt foreign to me and I was so unsure of myself and where I belonged. I felt like I was discovering a whole new world that made me feel both frightened and excited. It was like every step that I was taking was somehow a new experience for me.

I feel so very far away from that old me and I would like to think of my new apartment as my fresh-fresh start. It is like starting a new chapter on more solid grounding in knowing who I am and what I want. While I am still learning about myself, I hope that I am growing. Although, it is difficult to admit, I wonder if I might be running away from my old self and the memories. Or is it that I am truly making this change for me to grow in a positive direction? I guess time will only tell.

But I think the move coincides with this recent feeling of needing to downscale and make my life simpler. I want less stuff. I don't want it all weighing me down. And I feel that it is time to let go of some of the stuff that has been sitting in boxes in my apartment. I have no regrets in waiting because I know that it is time and I will feel no regret in giving away or selling some of the things that still hold memories of my old life with my ex. I didn't want to part with too much too fast and feel that I could have made a mistake or if that I wasn't ready.

For example, I had a moment this week with the dumpster. I just could not bare it any longer and had this overwhelming need to expunge and free myself from a few things. It is like they had this building power that was just leaking a haunted sadness into my life. So, with that I brought these items down to the dumpster and said my final good-bye to them.

1. My Wedding Invitations--I don't know why I have held onto the extra wedding invitations for this long. I couldn't understand it when I was married. These boxes have been packed and repacked and have traveled with me to four different homes. It just seemed so wasteful to throw them away. I kept thinking of just picking out a few to save for our (hoped) children. But instead I kept them all. Before I tossed them into the trash, I opened each of the boxes one last time and said my good-bye. I remember looking at the silver font and subtle scrolling pearled boarder. I used to love the simplicity of them. But now, I felt nothing. The cards bearing my name felt empty and I was surprised at the detachment that I felt. It was surprisingly easy to toss them away.
2. An Anne Geddes Baby Puzzle--Yes, you remember all of her famed photographs with posed babies. I found this puzzle shortly after getting married on clearance and thought it was just too cute. Looking at this puzzle now made me feel angry and sad and frustrated. My ex had always made fun of the puzzle and could not understand why I would buy such a thing. I don't know, it was cute at the time. But then I realized that he never valued my deep wanting to share in having child of our own together. He thought of babies as ugly, boring blobs that did nothing. He never appreciated the life of a child and the experiences they have right from birth. Babies are people who are actively taking in the world from the start. I am amazed by the complexity of child development--it is what my Master's program is all about. I guess the puzzle makes me angry because my ex never appreciated or valued what was important to me. I didn't just see a cute baby. I saw the beauty and wonder of watching a child explore and discover what they can do in this world as they grow up.
3. A Booklet of House Plans--It was one of the books that we had gotten in deciding which model we wanted to build for our new home. This brought the strongest reaction from within me. At first glance, flipping through the pages made me happy as I was thinking back to the time when we were dreaming about our dream home. This was it. It was exactly all of what we ever wanted and talked about throughout our marriage. And it was finally before us in print and could not have been more perfect for us. I thought about our trip to New York City between Thanksgiving and Christmas. We had planned the trip to enjoy the magic of the city and had brought the booklet with us because we would need to make our final decisions shortly after returning from the trip. It was not a chore and was a source of fun for us. I remember laying on the bed looking at the floor plans and list of upgrade options after a long day of sight seeing. It was a lovely way to end our day and we were just too giddy about it all. With those thoughts running in my mind, I remembered how sadly it all came crashing down. Gone was the house, gone were the dreams, gone were the possibilities that that house was supposed to hold for us in our life together. It makes me sad for the me in New York City at Christmas time, not knowing what was all going to happen. The sorrow gripped me. I thought how silly for this of all things to be so difficult to throw away. I had already moved out of the house and all that was left was this booklet. But then, I realized this was an artifact of a really big loss. And it is okay for me to feel however I feel about it. I said my last good-bye and tossed it into the dumpster.

So, now I am at the beginning of another new chapter. We will see what it will hold for me. Perhaps after I spend some time with my good-byes, I should remember to have some time with some hellos.

In fact, that is just what I am going to do. I have an amazing man waiting for me to help with some painting of my new place. Time to go back out into the world and really live in it. Time to dream some new dreams.