Removing Relationship Hurts In Earnest

"The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them." ~ Ernest Hemingway

So, as I am entering the beginning of a new relationship, I have been putting in some effort thinking about how to clear out some of my emotional baggage--the possible roadblocks that could bring challenges into this relationship.  In someways this is unavoidable because your past is part of what makes you who you are in the present.  It has nothing to do with them.  But alas, it is the present partner that is left to deal with the other's past hurts, especially if unresolved.  My hope is that a mature approach will win.

Please know that things are going well and it is still early in my present relationship.  We are in a great place where it still feels new and in that cozy space of looking forward to getting to know each other more.  It is a special time to be romantically giddy, to drink in its innocence and to just be.

However, I was recently reminded of how past hurts can quickly resurface when I had an internal knee jerk reaction to a question from a coworker.  It was a request to help watch her dogs while she went to the beach for part of the weekend.  It really was kind of her to think of me since she thought my guy was out of town for the weekend.  But, she had mixed up the weekends and it was last weekend that he was away.  So, the plans my guy and I had were still in tact. 

My momentary panic was because in my two significant relationships, both men had, in different ways, made plans without me and I felt really hurt.  Not cool to apply for a job two hours away and not tell me, and not cool to plan a vacation for yourself and tell me a few days before leaving for it.  In hindsight, they were both running.

But, I have to give myself some credit for not getting ahead of myself, nor misdirecting these feelings of rejection.  I told myself, "Stop.  This is not (fill in name of previous arse)."  Remaining composed and not jumping to conclusions, the misunderstanding quickly resolved itself.  Whew!

What was left was my lurking concern of past hurts that may be trouble ahead for me.  Trust is clearly an issue.  I know this.  It is not the first time I have wondered if I will be able to find resolve in my issues of trusting a man.  Not being sure where to go with rebuilding that trust, I have just sat on the thought.

Then, I came across a dating article online with quotes of wisdom for meaningful love.  I clicked on the link feeling slightly pessimistic that the quotes would be predictable fru fru stuff.  However, Ernest Hemingway's words stayed with me.  It seems to go along a similar pathway with that of forgiveness.  First you have to want it in your heart, then over time it will happen.  It is about taking that risk again.  Trust, much like love, is an action and it is something you choose to do everyday, every moment.

So, it seems the simplest answer to my question of trust is to just to do it.

I Heart Nerds

I have a tendency to date nerds.  I find myself attracted to men with nerd qualities or guys with a little bit of nerd folded somewhere in there.  I can't help it.  Of course, there is quite the variety of nerd out there, so it really isn't all that difficult to stumble into one.

When I moved to Orlando, I originally wrote this guy off for several reasons.  One, he shares a name with a previous man in my past.  Two, I work with him at the hospital, but not very directly.  And three, he is a Detroit Red Wings fan.

That being said, my guard was down.  As we got to talking here and there, I started to notice we had some shared interests.  He is funny, kind and passionate about his work.  He is the kind of person who goes the extra mile to help others and is a peacemaker type.  He carries with him a certain confidence in his work and grounding in himself.

As we saw each other at some social gatherings for work, conversation was just flowing and natural.  I often find myself smiling when I am with him or as I walk away.  A couple of months ago he asked me out on a date.  We have been taking it slowly and keeping it professional at work.  I think we have found a good balance to allow for a certain amount of privacy to allow things to develop and see where they may go.

He is a self-proclaimed king of the nerds.  He is a veracious reader, has done some theater, bakes, plays video games, hikes, does a little writing and plays board games.  Can't wait to check out the Harry Potter stuff at Universal with him!  He was a manager of a comic book store for about five or six years after being a chemist for a couple of years.  In his words, he wanted more than a job.  He loved his job at the comic book store, and said it was a lot of fun.  But, he wanted a career and after some self-reflection, decided to go to nursing school.  He says it was the best thing for him, and he is very satisfied in his work as a nurse.  He is great at what he does.  He is an interesting combination of nerd, and certainly fulfills my preference for a little something quirky while being smart, funny and emotionally in tune with himself and others. 

Dating Hesitation

Since moving to Orlando, I have been fortunate to have gone on a few dates.  It has been fun meeting new people while attracting the attention of some nice men.  One guy wasn't a good match for me.  He was a nice guy, just not quite the right fit.  Another guy was a lot of fun, but he lives a little ways away on the beach.  I get the impression he is still balancing some things in his life and the distance thing does not help that.  Or maybe I wasn't a match for him?

But, I am okay with accepting if the fit is just not there in the early phase of dating and then moving onto the next possibility.  I think I am improving in that area and not taking it as personal.  It is a good thing to feel comfortable in not feeling like I have to settle for an okay fit or good enough.  I value wanting there to be more of connection that is satisfying for both people.  I want a relationship that I can enjoy and that they enjoy with me.  I want to share a life with someone.  I want to have fun and look forward to seeing them.

Then with the most recent guy, it's still kind of early and I am trying to take things slowly.  I'm trying to return to this approach in general because I think it will help me to get to know the person better to head off getting clouded and confused.  Once I am emotionally attached it is easier for me to overlook or forgive behaviors, flaws or synchronicity that is off where it may not be the best match.

I have found myself with that familiar feeling of being tickled when I get to see him.  He is easy to talk to about similar interests and what is happening in life.  He is kind, open and insightful.  However, when we went on a few dates, I found my nerves bubbling up and getting the best of me.  I was thinking too much and not in the moment.  Panic was setting in and it was freaking me out.

In part, I realize that I feel a little more pressure with dating now than I did before when I lived in Pittsburgh.  When I was in Pittsburgh and I first started dating again, it was an adventure.  At first I didn't take it too seriously because I figured that if things didn't work out, that I would be leaving after graduation.  The plan was to get my degree, get a job and get the heck out of there.  Pittsburgh was supposed to be temporary.  It was kind of liberating and allowed me to be more in the moment.  Then I met and fell in love with RJ, which was not part of the plan.  I was coming to a place of happy acceptance that life is not always what you plan and some the best stuff can pop into your life when you least expect it.  My thoughts and hopes for my future shifted towards envisioning a life in Pittsburgh with RJ.  However, that relationship ended and I became open to leaving town, again.  This time it was with a heart with mixed emotions.  It was an opportunity to embrace a fresh start, but it meant distance from the people who became my very close friends and confidants.  Pittsburgh crept into my heart and I made it my home.  It was bitter sweet for me to leave.

Now dating feels more real, like the stakes have been raised and there is less room for error, for heartbreak.  It was so difficult for me to live in the same neighborhood as RJ after the relationship ended.  There were so many reminders of him.  There was a history with A~, but he left town.  Part of me is afraid that if things start and end with someone in Orlando, I wouldn't have a place to run.  I am afraid of getting hurt again.  And I think this is silly.  Lots of people start and end relationships where they live and they reestablish themselves.  And dating should be fun and it should be an adventure!

Finally, I have been worried that if things got more serious with the most recent guy and if it ended, I'm worried about possibly hurting him.  I want to keep things more light and breezy.  He has stated that he likes me, but knows and is understanding that I want to take things slowly.  But, I don't want to hurt him, and kind of selfishly I don't want to deal with the emotional fallout in how it may impact me.  Insert where I know I am being contradictory of myself because I have been angry and suspect that RJ did that very thing to me.  It's holding me back, I can feel it and it has been bothering me.

The recent guy is a grown man and makes his own choices.  I should not be trying to be responsible for him not getting hurt.  We each have a responsibility to be honest and respectful with each other.  But, each person is responsible for their own feelings and the risks they take.  There is some element of trust in there.

With these realizations, it has helped me to understand what I think is the root of my problem.  I am feeling a little better being able to identify my worries.  Hopefully, I can let go of them and get back to being more relaxed, present and authentic...to just be me!  It's got to be all in to give me, him and us a chance to see if it can begin and to see where it may lead.

Clues of Moving On

To help me validate the closure and end space between me and my most recent significant past relationship:

• Find myself sleeping in the middle of my bed.
• Feeling less angry and frustrated with it ending.  Moving towards acceptance.
• Having no interest in lurking on his fb page.
• Fewer instances of seeing things that remind me of him.  (Moving certainly helped.  But surprisingly, initially there was more around than I thought that reminded me of him.)
• Wanting to purge and clean out my closet.  I kind of started that before the move, but still find myself doing that a bit more.  It's kind of like shedding an old skin or old self.
• Reflecting on what I learned from the relationship.  Appreciating what was good about it and what I can apply going forward.
• Find myself shopping and eyeing up cute dresses and tops with thoughts of, "That would be cute for a date."  I'm kind of in a reinventing phase.
• Going on dates.  :)
• Adding more music to my current collection.  Always looking for good music, but it tends to increase when I'm looking for some good pick me ups to get pumped about the next adventure.
• Looking to do something new with my hair.  I trimmed my bangs a little different and I have been trying to grow it out a little more.  I'm thinking the new bangs go better with the length that I would like to grow it.
• Noticing men and picking up more on the vibe when there might be a little something there worth investigating.
• Going on a date and not comparing him to what I had with RJ.
• Feeling more free and excited to explore my new home and people around me.
• Being fully in the moment with a man and noticing and enjoying what is special about him.
• Seeking connection, engagement and satisfaction in my work, play and daily activities.
• Allowing myself to dream, considering new possibilities and itching to travel.
• Generally feeling happier and at peace within myself.

Yay, me!  Stay positive, build confidence and feel the strength within myself.  Let my true self shine and see what comes my way.

A Question of "In" or "With"

I feel like I have been just okay--not too up and not too down. There is no major mess on my plate, but I still have a feeling of some inner turmoil. Am I bothered by the lack of unrest in my life? Am I reading into it that there must be something wrong if I don't feel strongly one way or the other? Or am I experiencing the undercurrent of feelings before a big change, my internship in Columbus?

Well, I guess I am frustrated because I don't know what RJ plans to do this summer in terms of our relationship. He doesn't seem to show a lot of interest in coming to see me while I am in Columbus. I tried to ask him if he would be interested in planning a trip with me before I start my internship and he has been very non-commital. He says he sees me in his future and there are times he assumes that I will be there for stuff, but I don't know. You can't always trust in what a guy says, but some of his actions seem to speak that he does see me in his life long-term. But maybe that is the question, does he see me in his life or does he allow room to have a life with me?

RJ is very oriented to living in the present, which is good. It is in the little stuff and the everyday that life seems so big with him, which I love. I tend to be a person who likes to plan and know what is ahead. But I know that can be limiting because that doesn't always allow you to live in the present, which is where a lot of the real fun in life can be found. I feel like I appreciate living more in the present and I have been trying to make a shift towards it. But it can also be fun to dream, so thinking about the future is not such a bad thing at times either. I don't know if my expectations are off or it we just don't fit as well as I would hope. I hate to be knit-picky because I think you can poke enough holes in any relationship and make it seem questionable.

Another area that seems to be on my mind is the balance of separateness and being able to join with another person. By joining, I mean really being present with each other and being able to flow with give and take in the moment. Joining can also have elements of planning and dreaming of the future together. I have struggled with separateness, which is something that RJ does very well. It has helped me to grow, as I have been trying to do this anyways. But I wonder if he does it too well and I question if he is able to really join with another person, by way of thinking and dreaming with another person in the future orientation. I feel like that layer of being able to trust to dream in the future, which can enhance that living and joining in the present, is lacking.

Bottom line, I would hate to commit to staying in Pittsburgh with someone who is not really willing to make commitments in return. It will be good to go to Columbus to see if Pittsburgh is really where I want to be, regardless of a romantic relationship. I feel like if I am confident in wanting to make a life for myself in Pittsburgh, that it may take some pressure off of our relationship. I feel like this is important because I am not ready to make any big decisions about our relationship. I just feel like if I am unsure about staying in Pittsburgh, that it will cause me to really have to made desicions affecting our relationship prematurely before I am ready. But I also realize that I can't have life always as I would like and certain things are beyond my control. So, I guess I will just have to make my decisions as they come with what is presented to be known at the time and how my heart feels in that moment.

Is all of this thinking bad? What does this mean about my relationship with RJ? What does it say about my relationship with him?

I don't want to be overthinking everything, nor analyzing my way out of something really important to me.

Re-Learning Curve

Since RJ got back into town, it has been great to spend some quality time with him. And I am going to stress the quality part, over quantity. I think that is important and goes along with the need for healthy space to cultivate a relationship. It might seem like common sense, but this is part of a re-learning curve for me.

I feel there are some unhealthy habits I am learning to undo from my past relationship with my ex. It is something I am becoming aware of because now I am in a more serious relationship. I am not sure how well I would be able to feel them or notice them without being in a relationship. Yep, I've got baggage (not like I didn't know that), and it is my task to sort it out. This relearning how to be in relationship is a healthy thing.

For example, one reason why I think my struggle with quality over quantity in a relationship is based in part on how time was so restricted and planned with my ex. Residency is brutal on a relationship. I found myself planning my life around his demanding work schedule so I could maximize my time with him, especially given how little time there was. It could be difficult not to do that when I knew that one dinner might be my last with him before heading into a month long stretch when I would not see him because of his schedule. For more than half of our marriage, there would be three months each year that I would literally not see him, barely a phone call. Then after one of those months of not seeing my ex, we found ourselves trying to overcompensate to reconnect. It was just so intense. There were times when I did not give into that pattern and chose to continue living my life, which would sometimes lead to conflict.

Then once the pattern was set into motion, it was difficult to break after residency. He just came to expect it. And the more I gave, the more he demanded. I was loosing myself and didn't see it. Then the infertility hit and everything began to become unglued and messy at warp speed. It all went so badly so fast. I was confused, depressed and hurt.

There were other unhealthy factors that contributed to the mess with my ex. But I don't feel like getting into that right now. What is important is to realize that my life does not have to be and should not be like that with RJ. Sometimes I think, "Oh, that is okay? This what it can be like?" My relationship with RJ is different and that is a very good thing.

We haven't "talked" directly about the stuff we talked about before his trip, but I don't feel that is needed right now. I did get to express how I don't want him to feel like I am relying on him and that I am my own individual person. So for now, live it one day at a time and see where it goes!

I Had the Courage...

to say those three little words.


And he said them back!


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Birthday Thoughts

It may seem a bit odd to say, but I have been overwhelmed by the level of support and caring as shown by all of the people who came out to celebrate my birthday. I am not used to being the center of attention and I am much more of an observer or wallflower at times. I was unsure as to who would want to celebrate my birthday with me outside of my family. (Thanks Mom & Dad for the card and necklace in the mail! They like to send something for me to be able to open on the day of my birthday when I won't be able to be with them on the actual day.) I know it sounds crazy--I can't believe I questioned it.

First, I want to say that I did something that I think was quite brave of myself. I decided to send out an email to a bunch of people to invite them out to join me in celebrating my birthday. I titled the email, "I'm going to have my cake and eat it, too..." Then upon opening it, I said I was going out for cheesecake and to feel free to join me. This took a lot of courage on my part because I didn't know what the response would be. I need to realize that I am deserving of love and attention from those who share in my life. And why should I question that they would want to spend time with me?

It was a fun dinner and awesome cheesecake. But what was even more special was that my friends and New Guy came out to spend the evening with me. I had a few people from different circles of my life meeting. I wasn't sure how it would go and I really hoped that people would like each other and have a good time. But I reminded myself to go with the flow and relax and enjoy the evening. When they brought out the cheesecake and everyone started singing, I just felt so special and happy. I was so touched and felt so loved. It was awesome.

Then backing up a bit, earlier in the day, New Guy took me to lunch. We went and had home made perogies at his grandma's church. It gave us chance to talk, talk in that way where you share some very personal things. It felt to me like a moment of not holding back and taking that risk to be disclosive about oneself. I so appreciated New Guy opening up to me and trusting me in telling me some of the things that he shared.

We also stopped by his dad's work to drop off some of the perogies for his parents. They surprised me with cake and a present. I had not expected that! The time and thought that they put into it is moving and has significance. It was just so unexpected, but so appreciated.

Then, we stopped by New Guy's grandma's. She was not able to be at the church because she had injured her back and was at home resting. She was just so sweet and just kept laughing. I felt badly because it hurt her back to laugh, but then I found it inspiring because she just couldn't help herself. Even with not feeling at her best, she still focused on the good and the humor in her life. And it was then, as I looked over at New Guy and he was laughing with his grandma that I thought, so, that is where he gets it. Watching them laugh together with a twinkle in their eyes made me realize again one of the things I love about him. He lives with enthusiasm, an energy that is contagious and amplified when he is able to share it with those around him.

Finally, New Guy planned a birthday barbecue for me on Sunday. It was so very special for me because no one has thrown a birthday party for me other than my parents. And again, I was surprised by how people came to share in the celebration. I was overwhelmed by all of this birthday celebrating and focus on me. For the first part of the party, I think there were times that I was in the moment and enjoying myself. But then I started to feel an overload and overwhelmed by it all that I started to withdraw and was quiet.

To give a little history that may also shed some light on my experiences with birthdays, it is important to know my 30th birthday was a disaster. I had been bold then in planning a birthday party for me and my ex since we were both turning 30 only days apart. He seemed a bit reluctant and even untrusting in my ability to pull it off. But we had planned the party and I was excited to give it my best effort. Then the night before, my ex told me that our party wouldn't be a birthday party and it would be a football party because his uncle was going to throw a surprise birthday party for his aunt. His uncle would use our birthday as a ploy to get her to the location without her knowing it a few weeks later. I don't know why I didn't speak up and tell him to tell his mother and uncle that they would have to come up with another plan. I was just so taken aback by the whole thing, that I just didn't know what to do. What resulted was opening presents on the sly and unceremoniously cutting the cake so that his aunt wouldn't notice it was a birthday cake. (The cake was decorated half in Browns colors and half in Steelers colors, so it lent itself to being a football themed cake as we were watching the Browns play the Steelers.) The experience has left me feeling hurt and broken about my birthday.

I don't know why I question why people would want to spend time with me. I have to value and trust in myself as being a worthy person. This is admitting to a lot of insecurity and makes me feel very vulnerable. I feel silly and somewhat angry at myself for even questioning my value as a human being. I just hope that I did not come off as ungrateful or uncaring. I guess I worry and hope that people had a good time. It is when I fall into these thoughts that I drop the ball and unintentionally remove myself from the situation and stop living in the moment. I'm glad that I am realizing it more when I am doing it, but I want to figure out how to get myself out of it.

New Guy, thank you for all of your planning and effort and participation in my birthday! I really am grateful and so happy to have you to share in my life. I do not want to take for granted what you did for me for my birthday. It was a very special birthday for me and one that I have not had in a long time.

Living Up the Last of Summer--Quick Updates

I have spent time away from my blog because I have just been so crazy busy living life! And that is not such a bad reason for not having posted in a bit. But I do want to touch on a few things as August comes to a close and the school year kicks it into high gear.

1. Summer Reading Program--I pitched an idea to support literacy development for children receiving long-term care at the children's hospital. And with some continued talk, I got hired to create and implement an eight week pilot summer reading program! One part involves sharing fabulous children's literature by featuring three books each week in a read aloud/booktalk. These were done in the library at the hospital and at bedside. If the child liked the book, they got to keep it. (If it was not of their taste, then I had a stash of other books from which to choose.) The second part was to encourage the kids to spend a certain amount of time reading independently to earn fabulous, cheesy prizes. It has been an awesome job! I am basically like a book fairy. I get the kids excited to read and then surprise them with getting to keep books for free. Some of the parents have gotten just as much into listening to me read as the kids. Do not underestimate how much people of all ages love to listen to some read aloud. And it is something that I will be able to get some grad credits for some of the evaluation work that I do with it this fall!
2. Kickball--Our team was crazy good in the spring--second place in the play-offs. But then with a few roster changes this summer, our team was terrible. We won only the last game of the season. But we still rocked our bubble gum pink t-shirts and enjoyed in a ton of laughs. This season was a little more fun for me because my finger finally healed enough that I was able to be moved to playing second base instead of catcher.
3. Pool Time/Girl Time--August has gone by so quickly that I think I actually spent more time swimming in July than I did in August. But what I will say about pool time in August is that I have had some good girlfriend time there. I've enjoyed lounging around the pool and having that time to have some meaningful girl talk, both with new friends and old friends. It is like the water just has a way of freeing you, to let you be more open for things to drift out. It is then that you realize you are caught up in something deeper than you might have expected and learn something new about the other person. And I have had some great girl time away from the pool, too. I am just so happy to be blessed with some great friendships. The best times are when you walk away feeling that rich connection and you just feel so good about yourself. It feels awesome when you know that friendship is being reciprocated and that you are able to give back to your friend.
4. New Guy--Yep, we're still dating and I am enjoying that! We have been spending more time together and he makes me smile. It is the little things that tickle me and really start to add up. And it is fun to know that you are being thought of during the moments away. It is not to say that we haven't had a few ups and downs, but I think we make an effort to talk about things openly and honestly. My favorite times are the trips to Home Depot, walking around in his neighborhood of the city--Little Italy, and cooking together. Life still feels like being on an adventure with him (i.e. caught my first trout last weekend) and he has a touch of a romantic in him that I love to observe in his ways.
5. Fall Classes at Pitt Begin--This time around I will be a full-time student! I am excited and nervous. But when I start to get nervous, I just focus on what a wonderful opportunity I have at hand and to take it one step at a time. I really love what I am studying and grad school is so much more fulfilling, deeper, and richer than undergrad. I think having time and experience from which to draw upon make the classes more meaningful. I just really want to make the most of my experience while I am back at school.

I know there is more and I know there is a greater depth that some of these things deserve. But for now, this is what I have. I also want to thank a friend who gave me some good advise in that I don't have to publish all of my posts and that some can just be for me. I am really glad that I did that because sometimes it is just about getting the thoughts out of your head so that you can look at them better. And in another blog, I carefully read some good advise to be mindful of respecting other people who may appear in my blog so as not to over share about them. Some things need to be kept to myself, both out of respect and for a little mystery.

I wonder what the fall will bring. I have not wanted summer to end, but I think I am in a better place to accept some of the changes and to remind myself to go with the flow.

Another Crappy Thing...

I am mad and frustrated. It seems that there can be a misalignment in the progression of my life and how it may be perceived by others in my life. It is kind of like having a distant relative that always seems to think of you as the six year old you and not the adult you. It does not give credit to the time and experiences you have had since being six years old and that you are a different person.

So as I have written before, I have been dating. I may tell some of my family and friends about some of what has happened, but I may not get into a ton of detail. This is particularly true for the guys I dated in the spring. I understood it was new and did not carry expectations that it would go very far. I slowly let it leak out that I was starting to date so that my family and friends could get used to the idea that I was taking this step in my life. It seems so odd to have to let other people get used to the idea of me dating when it was not something that I was jumping into or doing as a way to prove my worth as a woman to myself or anyone. I really believe that when I started dating, I was really ready. And I know this from how I have felt about my experiences. It was not too soon or forced or rushed. I spent a lot of time thinking things through and was patient with myself to wait and to heal.

So it ticks me off when I feel like I am being judged about dating, whether it is too soon or if I would really be ready to see someone more exclusively. It is like some of my family and friends do not trust my own judgment on if I really know what I am doing or if I have any business in a relationship right now. But this isn't about if they are comfortable with me seeing someone exclusive. Guess what? I am ready and I want to enjoy the experience. It makes me mad when someone cannot share in my happiness.

I guess these feelings are amplified because I met this really great guy and I want to introduce him to the important people in my life. Since he is the first guy I have seen exclusively, I think some of my family and friends have been hard on him. And I don't believe it has anything to do with him and that this reaction would be the same if I inserted another guy. But to tell you the truth, by questioning my readiness for dating, they are missing out on a great person in my life. I feel badly for him to have to be the first and be put through this crap.

I should also say that most of my family and long-time friends are out of state. So they do not see me from day-to-day and cannot fully appreciate the changes in me. It is like there is this version of me that is stuck in their mind and I have to wait for them to realize that is not the current me. It is like I have to take these extra steps to prep them before introducing them to my new guy.

I am just thankful that my friends who are local are happy for me. I think they have a better idea of the current me. They have seen me at my lowest, but they have also seen me as I have picked myself back up in real-time. They have trust in me and that is so important. And I would have to say that is true of my BBC friends, too. These ladies have been reading and writing with me every step of the way. I am so grateful for their support, as well.

New guy, I am sorry you are being put through a lot. It is not a reflection on you and it is not fair. But please know that I think you are awesome, full of positive energy, and I am happy that you are sharing in my life and that I get to share in yours.

Enter...New Guy

I am on cloud nine.

Whenever I talk about my new guy, I can't help but smile. As a matter of fact, while I was telling one of my friends about him, she giggled and asked me, "Are you smiling?!" I paused and then I realized...yes, I am from ear to ear! It is great that I don't even realize it when I am doing it!

So, he has this great energy where everything he does in life seems like an adventure. It's great when his eyes light up and he starts with, "How awesome would (fill-in the blank) be right now? Yea, let's do that!" It is fantastic how when we spend time together that things just seem to flow from one thing to the next.

He is an amazing cook and has an urban garden. He planted cherry tomatoes in it just for me. He plays guitar and sings. He laughs often and when he smiles, he smiles with his whole face. And once he starts laughing, I can't help but laugh with him. He loves to be active with sports and doing outdoor activities. He is driven and creative and loves to work on house projects. He has traveled all over the place and loves to read.

And the development of our relationship happened very organically. It's happened pretty quickly, but it feels so right. We just seemed to notice each other at just the right time and things fell into place. It went from little conversations during our kickball games to a couple of Memorial Day cookouts to spending a weekend together that you could not have planned if you tried. There was a picnic in the park and karaoke down the street, breakfasts in diners and dinners at home--both with a group and just us, and watching movies and not watching movies. We roamed around yard sales, shopped at the Home Depot to pick out paint colors, and fixed up his entryway. And there was talking...the kind of talking where you really get to know someone. Neither one of us could get enough of the other during that weekend. We had a fabulous time doing the dating things and the mundane.

It has been fast forward in our dating experience together and I try to keep in mind to just go with the flow. I was doing that well at first. Then came a period where I started to worry if it was too much too soon or wondering if he is as into me as I am into him. But then I remind myself to relax, have no expectations, and observe. And there are some pretty big signs that he really likes me. I've met many of his friends and family. And he added me on as a user on his movie rental membership!

I really, really, REALLY like this guy! And I am incredibly happy!

Whirlwind Dating from the Spring

So, I haven't posted in a bit and I have reason. Up until recently, my dance card has been full as I was dating several guys during the spring. I didn't intend to date so many guys at once. It just happened to work out that way and I decided to go with the flow and enjoy it. It was fun while it lasted because it gave me a chance to meet a bunch of different people and to try some new things. I think it was important for me to have these experiences without settling down with just one guy. I needed the freedom and the space to explore what it is that I am looking for in a relationship. From each person I was definitely able to learn something about myself and how I want to go forward in my dating life.

1. Stick with the honesty thing, it works for me. I am the kind of person that what you see is pretty much what you get. I don't play games. The truth is better in the long run and I'd rather be direct, albeit with care and kindness.
2. Listen to my inner voice. If something doesn't feel right, listen and think. I have to do what is best for me and know when to walk away--whether it is just to be friends or to let that relationship go entirely. For me, this is difficult because I so want to please. So, to fully voice my opinion when it may feel like it could cause conflict is huge for me.
   
3. Easy-breezy, go with the flow, and no expectations. I like to have answers and a plan. But I find that with dating, it works better to relax and not over think everything. Let things unfold and live in the moment. Be observant and I'll know what I need to know when I know it.
4. Remember to have fun, laugh, and smile. I don't want to take for granted the time spent with each date. It may not last and I want to make it count. I need to allow myself to open up more and not hold back. Reciprocated sharing with both people is important.

In the end, I was sad to see one guy go and I hope one guy will stick around to be a friend. The others will probably disappear into the history of my life. It got to be a bit crazy dating them all at once and I am ready to walk away from that for a bit. While these experiences are valuable, I also found it difficult to truly get into that next level with any of them. It was like I was stretching myself too thin to be able to give in the way of being more disclosive about myself. This will take trust. Trusting the other person and trusting myself. As my dating wave was ending, I was looking forward to maybe just dating one person so that I could have an opportunity to get to a deeper dating relationship.

And as it turns out, there was someone very promising just kind of hanging out there! He is also the kind of guy that I would not want to throw into a dating mix. He's one that is worth the time and effort to get to know all by himself. I really like him and I will just have to see where this adventure goes!

Rotten Tomatoes

In another installment of my boy crazy life...

I can greater appreciate patience and allowing for life to unfold so that it may reveal certain truths. So, there was another guy that I had been dating, nicknamed by a dear friend as Ruben from the movie Along Came Polly. Although, he isn't like the character in the movie. But when I mention his job, several people have jumped at asking me if it is the same as the dude from that movie. Any who...not the point.

I really liked this guy. I felt like we had several things in common, similarities in our background, and the more I learned about him, the more I liked. He is tall and has a presence in a crowed room that gets noticed--an understated confidence. And each time he kissed me, it felt like magic.

Sounds great...but I noticed some distancing and was not sure what it was about. It felt like he was guarded and there is only so much you can share with a person who is so protective of themselves before you are stuck and can't get to a deeper level. I wondered if he noticed this, too. I didn't know if he just was not aware or shy or maybe a quiet player. The last time we went out to dinner, he brought up this very thing, wondering if we click or fit. Long story short, it turns out that he is not in an emotional place to be dating right now. He needs some time to heal his heart. I give him credit for being open and honest about his situation. It makes me sad because I saw so much potential and I am not ready to say good-bye. But I will be respectful of his need for space and maybe when the time is right, he will know where to find me.

Just when I was about to write him off as a player, he finally opened up.

Did I mention he is a really good kisser??? (Sigh)

J@miE's b0Y crAzy*~

Well, that was the text my sister sent when I was really getting back into dating. And it is true!

Okay, I've been holding back. I have been doing a lot more dating than what I have had the courage to admit. I've just kept myself open to the possibility these past few months and for whatever reason, guys have been come into my life from left, right, and center. It has been amazing and I have been having fun with really, truly dating for the first time in my life. And it is not to say it is always easy because it has its own ups and downs. But it is a roller coaster ride I am happier to be riding instead of sitting on the sidelines. Dude, I have a lot to learn.

I married young and to the first person in which I had a real relationship. It is not to say that I would have regretted the lack in prior dating had we been able to sustain the marriage as an equal, respectful, and loving partnership. But as this is not the case, I am embracing this opportunity to explore the world of dating. At times I feel weird for not having done this earlier, but I cannot change the past. And it can be a little scary, considering dating has changed a lot since I was an undergrad. I am grateful to have my own mini-dating guru--my younger sister who is in college and loves to poke fun at our age gap. It can be humbling to take advise from my little sister, as I can sometimes feel protective of her and feel like I am the one who should be looking out for her. But, I guess this is a form of giving back in the times that I helped her, so I will take this gift. As helpful as she is with her own take on dating advise, I think she is also finding my adventures amusing. But I have to say that she laughs with me and not at me! And I am happy to have friends who also will indulge me in listening to my silly stories and ramblings about dating, as I find better grounding in it all. Thank you!

Oh, and something else that ties into all of this exploring into the realm of dating...the class I was taking at Pitt was on adolescence this past semester. (It is also the reason why I have not posted recently...finishing up end of the semester projects.) Reading about the different domains of development could be difficult for me at times because it could hit so close to home. It made me really face some areas of my life that needed some hard reflection and it was not always easy. There were times when I would ask myself, really? REALLY? Could I really not read about this now?

Case in point, sex. Without going into a lot of details, Jamie did not have a whole lot of experience during adolescence with sexual exploration. And upon reading research, yep, it is developmentally appropriate for teens to do a certain amount of fooling around. Frick'n catholic guilt. No, it is not entirely fair to blame it on that. Stink'n goodie-goodie. Okay, I cannot be so hard on myself.

So, I have some catching up to do. And in addition, I have had to let go and allow myself permission to put myself out there. This is not to say that I am running around like a wild woman! It is all relative. But I want for me to be open to these experiences and to be in the moment and to enjoy them. Plus, I have put a lot of thought into where I would draw the line with lightening up and having some fun, but also staying true to myself and my values. Taking this time to define that for myself has been freeing and empowering because I know my limits and more importantly, I can enjoy the time I do have with someone in that magical moment.

I know, I know...I am so cheesy!

Riverside Run--10K

Woohoo!!! I ran my first 10K race on Saturday and it was great! I love the sense of accomplishment after finishing a race and just feeling like you can do anything. It was a beautiful day with the sun shining and a bit of chill in the air. It was a great run along the river in downtown Pittsburgh and then along a running trail around some of the new urban living. I crossed the finish line just around 57 minutes, so that was a 9.5 minute mile pace. I am very proud of that pace, as I am continuing to train for the half-marathon, as part of the city's marathon in May.

And I have to say that I was able to share in this race experience with someone I met a few weeks ago, even though I had already planned on running in it. Actually, I met him on an airplane on my way back from Atlanta when I was visiting some very dear friends (One of those friends refers to him as Striker--as in the character from the movie Airplane.). He is really sweet and makes me laugh! I enjoy talking with him and feel like he really listens, good flow in our conversations. I guess I am hesitant to share more about him because I don't want to jinx it! But as far as the race goes, I really enjoyed running with him. Our runs in the park have been at a fairly casual pace, but he wanted to run at a faster pace for the race. It was a good push and I had a lot of fun!

Serendipity!

Okay...this story is too fabulous not to tell!

So, I was leaving Posvar Hall at Pitt and going out the doors by the escalators. I had thought about going out of the main doors on the side closer to Hillman Library, but changed my mind so that I could get just that little extra fresh air. It was absolutely beautiful and unusually warm. As I was going out, someone was coming in. We both did a double take and then reentered that in between zone of not quite being in the building and not quite being outside of the building. It was Mr. C! And he recognized me!

I had substituted at an elementary school for Pittsburgh Public last year at around this time and met Mr. C there. We both seemed to have that pause when meeting each other for the first time and stopped to talk in the office at the end of the day. He was teaching ESL and you could tell the kids loved him! And he is so hot!!!

So, we were both asking what the other was doing at Pitt at 2 o'clock in the afternoon. I told him I am working on my Masters and he said he was working on his PhD. We reintroduced ourselves and he asked me what I was doing. I said nothing until class later in the afternoon--totally blowing off some reading I was going to do. He said he was just going to hang out until he had to get to some meetings. He asked me if I wanted to grab some coffee. Long story short, we ended up getting water and iced tea and walking around the Cathedral of Learning and sitting on a bench talking for an hour! We have plans to meet for dinner next week on Thursday!!!