Monday, March 18, 2013

Removing Relationship Hurts In Earnest

"The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them." ~ Ernest Hemingway

So, as I am entering the beginning of a new relationship, I have been putting in some effort thinking about how to clear out some of my emotional baggage--the possible roadblocks that could bring challenges into this relationship.  In someways this is unavoidable because your past is part of what makes you who you are in the present.  It has nothing to do with them.  But alas, it is the present partner that is left to deal with the other's past hurts, especially if unresolved.  My hope is that a mature approach will win.

Please know that things are going well and it is still early in my present relationship.  We are in a great place where it still feels new and in that cozy space of looking forward to getting to know each other more.  It is a special time to be romantically giddy, to drink in its innocence and to just be.

However, I was recently reminded of how past hurts can quickly resurface when I had an internal knee jerk reaction to a question from a coworker.  It was a request to help watch her dogs while she went to the beach for part of the weekend.  It really was kind of her to think of me since she thought my guy was out of town for the weekend.  But, she had mixed up the weekends and it was last weekend that he was away.  So, the plans my guy and I had were still in tact. 

My momentary panic was because in my two significant relationships, both men had, in different ways, made plans without me and I felt really hurt.  Not cool to apply for a job two hours away and not tell me, and not cool to plan a vacation for yourself and tell me a few days before leaving for it.  In hindsight, they were both running.

But, I have to give myself some credit for not getting ahead of myself, nor misdirecting these feelings of rejection.  I told myself, "Stop.  This is not (fill in name of previous arse)."  Remaining composed and not jumping to conclusions, the misunderstanding quickly resolved itself.  Whew!

What was left was my lurking concern of past hurts that may be trouble ahead for me.  Trust is clearly an issue.  I know this.  It is not the first time I have wondered if I will be able to find resolve in my issues of trusting a man.  Not being sure where to go with rebuilding that trust, I have just sat on the thought.

Then, I came across a dating article online with quotes of wisdom for meaningful love.  I clicked on the link feeling slightly pessimistic that the quotes would be predictable fru fru stuff.  However, Ernest Hemingway's words stayed with me.  It seems to go along a similar pathway with that of forgiveness.  First you have to want it in your heart, then over time it will happen.  It is about taking that risk again.  Trust, much like love, is an action and it is something you choose to do everyday, every moment.

So, it seems the simplest answer to my question of trust is to just to do it.

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