Tuesday, March 27, 2012

On the Road to Resolve

Well, first I want to give myself credit for not waiting to call RJ to ask him if we could talk. I am glad that he was willing to come over and clarify the mixed messages. Because I just don't really feel like hashing out every detail of our conversation, I am going to be brief. I told him how I have been emotionally sitting on the fence of hanging onto hope and taking that step towards acceptance that the relationship has come to an end.

But, it is over. RJ does not see wanting to resume a romantic relationship with me, and he shared that he does not want me holding out for him. His friendly demeanor comes from that we have known each other for two years and the relationship did not end poorly for him. In someways it can be easier when things do go badly because it can be easier to walk away. So, he is still in a comfortable and familiar place with his interactions with me, but he does not want an intimate relationship with me. RJ said that he doesn't necessarily want me out of his life, but is understanding that it may not work for me. He acknowledged that my position is probably harder, as he has been there in the past and it is up to me in how much or how little communication that is shared going forward.

I don't want RJ out of my life, but it hurts too much right now. I told him that even though it is comfortable and easy to share about our lives on some levels, it also hurts because he doesn't want me in his life anymore--not on the level that I want where you really share a life together with someone special. It is hard to go backwards, especially since it seems that my feelings for him were stronger than what he felt for me. Even down the road, I am not sure if having some kind of friendship would be a good thing. Less is probably best. It is just really hard to let go. I feel so very sad. At least I have an answer to my question and I really can move towards acceptance of my new reality--my life without RJ. I will miss him terribly.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Is It Every Really Good-bye?

It is strange because RJ and I live in the same neighborhood and I live in one of the apartments he owns, so our ties are not completely severed. Not to worry, I've always sent my rent to his business partner, which has kept things healthfully distant in that aspect. However, I have not randomly or casually run into RJ, and even he shared that he was surprised by this, considering we live three blocks away from each other. I'll admit that I did kind of avoid the main street at first for a bit. Then slowly, I have been venturing into places that I think would be less likely for him to be there sometimes. The neighborhood is my home, too. So, I am not hiding away, but just deciding how to reclaim my part of it.

It is just odd to say good-bye to a relationship without really being able to say good-bye. As a matter of fact, when RJ left after fixing the washer a few weeks ago, he said, "See you around." It felt out of place.

Then I began to notice the clues of RJ's lingering, whether they are somewhat intentional or lacking in his awareness. For example, he has not returned a few things of mine that I didn't realize I left behind, he randomly sent me a text, and he trickles in collecting his things that were left at my place. In our phone calls related to the apartment, he has turned to having an up beat tone in that way that is acting in a friend kind of way, initiates further conversation and still ends things by saying, "I'll talk to you later." I have pondered if these actions have more meaning or if it is just my ruminating in searching for hope or my difficulty with letting go. But in adding them up, I do feel I am getting some mixed messages. His intentions are unclear to me and I don't think he is doing it on purpose. Still, it hurts me.

I tried to tell RJ last week that the friend kind of talk is just too soon for me. I asked him if the change was because had already moved on or if it was masking what he was really feeling. He said it was still hard for him, too, but that he figures it is better to have a positive attitude instead of letting himself be so down. Without seeming like a brat, it was hard for me to really convey that his super positive attitude was hurting me. From my perspective it felt like, "Hey, my life is great! Let me share how wonderful it is, especially when you are not in it!" While I do hope for good things for RJ, I don't want to hear hints about the progress of his life. It's too soon. It hurts me to hear those things because he does not want me in his life anymore. I tried to gently request that he respectfully pull it back some, so as to be sensitive to my feelings. I let him know that I am appreciative that we are trying to be adult in our interactions by taking the higher road. I was trying to establish some kind of healthy boundary in how to interact in moving forward if we are not supposed to be together.

Then in the past few days, I have realized that I am still holding onto hope that RJ will come back to me. It seems terribly silly and unrealistic, but I miss him. I miss RJ. I feel like I am stuck between that place of not wanting to entirely close the door and moving to that place of acceptance in that the relationship is really over. I am teetering.

So, I need to talk to him again. I cannot wait to see if he going to take direct initiative. The lingering and mixed messages keep me in limbo. I have told myself that he needs to be the one to say he wants to come back. But, what if he does and he is too proud? What if these little hints have been his way of reaching out? Have I been pushing him away by reminding him to take his stuff or in my attempts to define boundaries if this is really the end? Am I having second thoughts before saying this is the end of us for myself? I am on the edge and I am afraid of making a mistake with action or inaction.

Monday, March 12, 2012

Mind Is Full

So, I am noticing that I need to fill my time doing stuff with other people because I feel like in some ways I am too much in my head lately. As much as my counselor says that I need to lean into my pain and allow myself to feel sad and cry all of the tears that need to come, sometimes I wonder if I am doing that too much and sinking myself down into a hole. I do get the cleansing process of grief, as that is what I needed to do this summer with the news of A~ getting married. It also requires patience on my part and it is difficult to be able to tell when I have really hit the emotional bottom to then be able to come back to the top. It is easy for me to feel overwhelmed right now. And I don't want that to get in the way of what I need to be focusing on doing, which is finding full-time employment.

I almost think the difference is when something catches my attention for a moment and reminds me of RJ or that loss of relationship, that I need to allow myself to be open to my feelings in those times. My sadness is sometimes related to RJ, but it is also coming from feelings that are dredged to the surface from the divorce, as well. It is the thoughts of "What is so wrong with me?" I think I have a lot to offer and to give. I just really want someone to love and I want them to love me back. Or it is feeling lonely or missing the company of a loved one or having someone to share your life with on a more intimate level and regular frequency.

It is the dwelling or freezing up that is not good, and I feel like I have been grinding into inaction at times lately. That is when I need to figure out how to break that cycle and to do something to change gears. I know I have to focus on getting a job and not on wanting a husband, but it is still frustrating. I am tired of feeling like I have to continually wait. And then I realize I have so much to get done! I am juggling so many things and I am having a hard time prioritizing where to focus my efforts. I need to find a good job, but I need socialization, too.

Then, I feel frustrated when some people have difficulty with having the compassion to let me be okay with being sad, on my terms and on my timeline. I don't understand why people are so uncomfortable with tears or sadness. It can be draining to try to put on a strong front all of the time and it can feel fake. And when I feel like I am being fake or masked, I feel like I am bumbling around and not doing things as well as I would normally. I know it is not good to be sulky because it can push people away, too. But I can't help but wear my heart on my sleeve, and I would hope that others would see my genuine nature and authenticity as a strength. I struggle with feeling like I need to project a certain image and then trying to be true to myself. It often results in me feeling an undercurrent of panic and I am afraid it does not translate well in my interactions with others.

What do you sacrifice when you are not being authentic? What do you risk or lose when you try to confide that you are having some troubles? Where is the line?

Man, this post is all over the place! And since blogger is not letting me copy and paste, I guess it will just have to be! Bottom line, I'm still processing the loss of my relationship with RJ and I am really frustrated and worried about getting a good job. I am also worried that the processing I need to do is affecting my efforts in job hunting. I think I will be pretty fantastic in what I will do in my career--it is just remembering that confidence, showing what I have to offer and finding someone who is willing to give me a chance! I can do it, really!

Thursday, March 8, 2012

100th Post

I cannot believe I have written 100 posts. That is a lot of writing! Thinking back to when I first began my blog and finished writing my first post, I wasn't even sure if I was going to return to write a second entry. I just felt so exposed and I was not sure how honest I would allow myself to be in this space. But I have surprised myself in what I have poured out onto its electronic pages.
I am thankful to have this place to allow myself to flow in my thoughts in the form of writing. It gives me a mirror to be able to see myself from another vantage point, to be able to reflect on my life. Over time, it allows me to notice the things that I always saw, but could not see at the present time. Perhaps I will learn to better see the truth more quickly and have the confidence to act on it more knowingly. But there is also a beauty in the unfolding of life and that in time more is revealed. There are also times when I can look back through my entries and see the progress that I have made in my life. I need to do more of that...give myself credit for my accomplishments across multiple domains...especially at this current junction of transition.
Time, you are a tricky thing. Sometimes it is agonizing waiting for it to pass, to be patient in allowing enough distance to do its work of growing or healing. Other times, you want to hold onto every second and try to steal away every bit of vibrancy experienced in those wonderfully big moments. It is a balance of patience, awareness and living to feel infinite.

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Dealing With My Anger

I don't do angry well. I don't like to feel angry. Part of me feels guilty when I feel angry because it feels like it upsets the balance of the good that I feel about someone, or felt about them. Anger also feels dangerous, much like fire. It is like I am weary of getting too close to that emotion because I am afraid of it settling in too easily and turning into bitterness. It can be hard for me to be able to let go of things. And because I know this about myself, I would rather just avoid that path of accidently getting consumed by the hurt, pain and resentment.

Instead, I often times internalize that anger and blame myself. It is easier to be hard on myself, which I know is not a healthy choice.

But I also try to focus that negative energy into something more productive, like running or playing sports. Thank you, Pittsburgh, for the PSL! The PSL is the Pittsburgh Sports League and is part of the Pittsburgh Urban Magnet Project (http://www.pump.org/). The whole idea of the organization is great and I think every city should have one, if they don't already. And through it, I have taken out my aggressions through things like flag football, cornhole and dodgeball. It is not like I really want to think about who or what I am mad at or about, but just want to expel the energy.

Then when I can focus and get on a roll, I will pour myself into my work. Before it was grad school, and now it is in looking for a job. I know I am hard on myself because I would like to have had more progress in my job search, but I have to be patient and just keep going. It is like there are not enough hours in the day. I will also sometimes feel badly if I take a break or let myself sleep in a little bit. But I need that rest, too. I need the quiet or the time to reflect and process all that has happend and is happening in my life. But I don't want to get bogged down by it either.

So my developing realization is that I am angry with RJ. I'm not angry, angry...and do not plan on staying angry with him. It is more of that natural hurt that comes with rejection. I just need to let myself feel it and let it pass. Forgiveness will come in time. I do not hold anger in my heart towards him. My grouchiness is almost like a distancing when thinking or talking about RJ. I certainly do not want to badmouth him, but it is more like releasing some of the irksome stuff. I spent a lot of time thinking about the things that attracted me to him, the ways we complimented each other and the qualities that I loved about him. It just makes me too sad now and I am dissapointed and frustrated with his decision. I am just searching for a way to slowly separate myself from him, while having that balance of honoring the good and the moments that we shared and experienced together.