Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Enter...New Guy

I am on cloud nine.

Whenever I talk about my new guy, I can't help but smile. As a matter of fact, while I was telling one of my friends about him, she giggled and asked me, "Are you smiling?!" I paused and then I realized...yes, I am from ear to ear! It is great that I don't even realize it when I am doing it!

So, he has this great energy where everything he does in life seems like an adventure. It's great when his eyes light up and he starts with, "How awesome would (fill-in the blank) be right now? Yea, let's do that!" It is fantastic how when we spend time together that things just seem to flow from one thing to the next.

He is an amazing cook and has an urban garden. He planted cherry tomatoes in it just for me. He plays guitar and sings. He laughs often and when he smiles, he smiles with his whole face. And once he starts laughing, I can't help but laugh with him. He loves to be active with sports and doing outdoor activities. He is driven and creative and loves to work on house projects. He has traveled all over the place and loves to read.

And the development of our relationship happened very organically. It's happened pretty quickly, but it feels so right. We just seemed to notice each other at just the right time and things fell into place. It went from little conversations during our kickball games to a couple of Memorial Day cookouts to spending a weekend together that you could not have planned if you tried. There was a picnic in the park and karaoke down the street, breakfasts in diners and dinners at home--both with a group and just us, and watching movies and not watching movies. We roamed around yard sales, shopped at the Home Depot to pick out paint colors, and fixed up his entryway. And there was talking...the kind of talking where you really get to know someone. Neither one of us could get enough of the other during that weekend. We had a fabulous time doing the dating things and the mundane.

It has been fast forward in our dating experience together and I try to keep in mind to just go with the flow. I was doing that well at first. Then came a period where I started to worry if it was too much too soon or wondering if he is as into me as I am into him. But then I remind myself to relax, have no expectations, and observe. And there are some pretty big signs that he really likes me. I've met many of his friends and family. And he added me on as a user on his movie rental membership!

I really, really, REALLY like this guy! And I am incredibly happy!

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Whirlwind Dating from the Spring

So, I haven't posted in a bit and I have reason. Up until recently, my dance card has been full as I was dating several guys during the spring. I didn't intend to date so many guys at once. It just happened to work out that way and I decided to go with the flow and enjoy it. It was fun while it lasted because it gave me a chance to meet a bunch of different people and to try some new things. I think it was important for me to have these experiences without settling down with just one guy. I needed the freedom and the space to explore what it is that I am looking for in a relationship. From each person I was definitely able to learn something about myself and how I want to go forward in my dating life.
  1. Stick with the honesty thing, it works for me. I am the kind of person that what you see is pretty much what you get. I don't play games. The truth is better in the long run and I'd rather be direct, albeit with care and kindness.
  2. Listen to my inner voice. If something doesn't feel right, listen and think. I have to do what is best for me and know when to walk away--whether it is just to be friends or to let that relationship go entirely. For me, this is difficult because I so want to please. So, to fully voice my opinion when it may feel like it could cause conflict is huge for me.
  3. Easy-breezy, go with the flow, and no expectations. I like to have answers and a plan. But I find that with dating, it works better to relax and not over think everything. Let things unfold and live in the moment. Be observant and I'll know what I need to know when I know it.
  4. Remember to have fun, laugh, and smile. I don't want to take for granted the time spent with each date. It may not last and I want to make it count. I need to allow myself to open up more and not hold back. Reciprocated sharing with both people is important.
In the end, I was sad to see one guy go and I hope one guy will stick around to be a friend. The others will probably disappear into the history of my life. It got to be a bit crazy dating them all at once and I am ready to walk away from that for a bit. While these experiences are valuable, I also found it difficult to truly get into that next level with any of them. It was like I was stretching myself too thin to be able to give in the way of being more disclosive about myself. This will take trust. Trusting the other person and trusting myself. As my dating wave was ending, I was looking forward to maybe just dating one person so that I could have an opportunity to get to a deeper dating relationship.

And as it turns out, there was someone very promising just kind of hanging out there! He is also the kind of guy that I would not want to throw into a dating mix. He's one that is worth the time and effort to get to know all by himself. I really like him and I will just have to see where this adventure goes!

Friday, June 4, 2010

Building Crap-o-la

After I received an email from a friend, I realized that I have been too quiet about my current feelings about my divorce. Her email referenced that sometimes it is best not to say anything if you don't know what to say. Which that is true and can help to avoid the word vomit. But on the flip side, it is also important not to let those feelings stay bottled up and fester. She said there is a time to speak, as well, so that you can feel heard and understood. It also opens you up to be able to have someone empathize with what you are going through. Suffering in silence is not an answer, which was my friend's point and the same can be said for me.

I think that has been my problem lately. I just want to leave the mess of divorce behind, but this divorce stuff just resurfaces. Trying to ignore it and carry on with my life is not working. I've been realizing that this cloud that is divorce can creep in every once in a while and ambush me. I have to give myself permission to revisit and reflect when needed.

I didn't know why, but I have been feeling sad and just tired lately. I am tired of feeling broken. I am tired of it feeling like there are all of these happy couples my age enjoying all that was supposed to have been for me--a loving and respectful husband, a house, kids, and being completely engrossed with all that comes with it.

But no, I am angry because I feel like I am sitting on the sidelines. Starting over is so very difficult sometimes. I feel like I am so far behind with my life goals and dreams and wonder if they will ever come true. Facebook is not helping with seeing the profile pics that pop up in the friend suggestions. I see so many elementary, high school, and college friends and acquaintances that have what was supposed to be mine now. It is a streak of jealousy and I hate it. I loath the sick feeling I get sometimes when seeing happy married couples or people holding their cute kids. Ugh...time is not my friend right now. I wonder if I will find a man who will love and respect all of me, let alone have time to do the other stuff.

I am angry that my ex quickly and carelessly tossed aside all that was our past, as if it never happened or meant anything. I feel used up and like he took some of the prime years of my life that could have been spent with someone who would have valued them. He said he didn't really love me and was just going along with what he thought was expected of him. If that is really how he felt, why couldn't he just let me go? Did he really just string me along for 14 years? Or can he not admit to his mistakes and tells me this lie? I don't get how something that seemed so right could go so wrong so fast. I don't think I will ever know if he just didn't love me as much as I loved him from the beginning or if it is pride that will not allow him to admit that any part of our past relationship was true and real so that he can justify cheating on me.

Someone asked me this past weekend the "what happened?" after nine years of marriage. The length of our 9 to 14 years together seems to say that it wasn't just a young fling, that there must have been something substantial there. He said he knew of others who he was in shock of in getting divorced and he wondered if it was just a front with being the model couple. I hate when people say that kind of thing, and I felt badly for his friends that he put on a pedestal. It's like, yep thanks for making me feel even worse for disappointing you that my marriage fell apart. Here, let me hold your hand. It's not like it sucked the big one for me. It makes me want to scream. No this is not what I wanted! I did not choose this for myself and no, I was not faking the relationship. I feel like some people just want to know what was wrong so they don't "catch it." Ugh...

Hopefully, this will help to get some of this negativity out because I'd much rather focus on the good stuff in my life. And there have been some really good things mixed in with some really good moments when I feel like I am on top of the world and can hardly recognize my life--in the good kind of way.