Saturday, January 31, 2015

Annulment Work

My blog has been quiet this month.  Or at least it feels that way for me because I usually have a running list of posts that I want to write and don't always make the time to write them.  I feel that I got caught up on most of them this past fall. The list is very short now and they are still incubating.  They will come in time.

In some ways I feel I am trying to refocus my thoughts away from baby related things, so there is less to write.  But, my life is more than hoping to be a mom.  Looking back on the history of my posts, some of it has been about rebuilding or recapturing my life and I have written about dating, career or moments of life.

This past month, I have been working on the annulment of my first marriage.  I started it in the fall and then had to wait for the paperwork to be mailed to begin the next steps.  It dredged up a lot of old, ugly feelings of loss, doubt and hurt.  Not fun.  I've worked very hard to make peace with the past and leave it in the past.  I've been told that the annulment process can be very healing.  That has not been my experience.  It just feels like it is opening old wounds and rubbing salt in them.  Maybe I waited too long to do it.  But, I've been told that the timeline is right and otherwise it would have been too soon, too raw.  I don't know.  It feels redundant and unnecessary.  Maybe that is because I invested the time early and during the fall out with having support from a counselor, my priest and a support group at church, in addition to wonderful friends and family.  I feel angry having to open it all up again.  It is my choice.  I want the annulment.  It just really sucks.  It sucks feeling stupid, feeling less than and unvalued.

Argh!  Just want to get it done!

Fortunately, I am not putting pressure on having to have it done before T~ and I get married.  It will get done when it gets done.  We can have our marriage recognized by the church after the fact.  I am not going to let the annulment take away from my present happiness in my relationship with T~.  We are excited about our plans for our wedding.  :)

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

So Many Variables

For much of January, I have been thinking and wondering and worrying...  Am I too old to have a baby of my own?  Are my eggs still good?  Is it selfish of me to want to have a biological child with T~?

And really what each of these questions should add is some form of "a healthy baby."  I am scared because the longer I wait, there is an increased chance there could be complications.  Usually, I am good about regular exercise and healthy eating.  However, my bigger concern is for the potential child.  I am nervous about possible health or developmental issues.  Sure lots of people have had healthy babies later in life.  Will that be me?  I would hope so.

But having been a teacher and now working in the medical field, I have seen more than my share of children with complicated medical or developmental needs.  It takes a lot of work.  And truth be told, I have had multiple parents who have expressed their guilt and confessed to me that they wondered if they had been selfish in having a child later in life.  They have wondered aloud if they brought on these troubles to their child...and stopping short of saying that maybe they should not have tried in the first place.  These are good people and I realize they are sharing these thoughts while under great distress.

Nevertheless, it gives me pause.  At what cost do you try?  Is the risk worth the benefit?  Who is the priority?  It is not all about you.  It is also about that future person you may bring into this world.  At what cost is it to them?  What are you maybe asking them to sacrifice?  Is it fair?

I know in some ways I am getting ahead of myself as T~ and I are still planning our wedding.  But, I can't help it.  I am feeling the pressure of time.  I want to make a responsible choice.  My thoughts waiver.  Should we try for a baby of our own?  Should we adopt?  Can I be happy without children and instead dedicate myself to my career by helping others?  Or should I focus my energies on the people in my extended family and friends?  Lots of questions and lots to think about.

When I start to feel overwhelmed by it, I focus on wedding planning and my life with T~.  It is much more fun.  :)