For much of January, I have been thinking and wondering and worrying... Am I too old to have a baby of my own? Are my eggs still good? Is it selfish of me to want to have a biological child with T~?
And really what each of these questions should add is some form of "a healthy baby." I am scared because the longer I wait, there is an increased chance there could be complications. Usually, I am good about regular exercise and healthy eating. However, my bigger concern is for the potential child. I am nervous about possible health or developmental issues. Sure lots of people have had healthy babies later in life. Will that be me? I would hope so.
But having been a teacher and now working in the medical field, I have seen more than my share of children with complicated medical or developmental needs. It takes a lot of work. And truth be told, I have had multiple parents who have expressed their guilt and confessed to me that they wondered if they had been selfish in having a child later in life. They have wondered aloud if they brought on these troubles to their child...and stopping short of saying that maybe they should not have tried in the first place. These are good people and I realize they are sharing these thoughts while under great distress.
Nevertheless, it gives me pause. At what cost do you try? Is the risk worth the benefit? Who is the priority? It is not all about you. It is also about that future person you may bring into this world. At what cost is it to them? What are you maybe asking them to sacrifice? Is it fair?
I know in some ways I am getting ahead of myself as T~ and I are still planning our wedding. But, I can't help it. I am feeling the pressure of time. I want to make a responsible choice. My thoughts waiver. Should we try for a baby of our own? Should we adopt? Can I be happy without children and instead dedicate myself to my career by helping others? Or should I focus my energies on the people in my extended family and friends? Lots of questions and lots to think about.
When I start to feel overwhelmed by it, I focus on wedding planning and my life with T~. It is much more fun. :)
Age is a big factor why I actually hope I don't ever get pregnant now. Ironic, seeing as I tried everything under the sun to make it happen. At your age, I think you are still plenty safe. I have friends who are younger than you that had kids with DS and many who are older who had kids that are "healthy." You never know. I guess the point is, you have options. You aren't limited to biology, adoption or childlessness. You didn't choose your situation. If it had been up to you, you would have started your family much sooner. But this is where your journey has taken you. As impossible as it sometimes seems, stick to the present joys you have upcoming. Focus on what you CAN control and not what is out of your control. It will all fall into place just as it is supposed to be.
ReplyDeleteI do try to focus on my current joys and blessings. I try very hard. I try to focus on what is in my control, but it sometimes feels like less and less is in my control...if anything. Some days are easier than others. I am trying to accept my life as it is without giving up my hopes and dreams. But, sometimes you have to let go and move on. It is just figuring out what or how much to let go to get me to where I am supposed to be. I think some of this woe is compounded by other frustrations with my life in where I had hoped I would be by now. And I worry that when it all does fall into place will it be too late.
DeleteBut, I have a wonderful man in my life to share in the journey moving forward. And I am so thankful for my family and friends. Thank you for listening, Diane, and thank you for understanding. I know and appreciate the depth of your compassion. You get it, and it means a lot.
I understand this feeling. My husband has a severely disabled sibling. Even though we have been to genetic counseling and have been told we don't have a substantially increased risk, I sometimes wonder if it is selfish or irresponsible to use his DNA to grow our family. I don't have advice, just sympathy.
ReplyDeleteThank you for stopping by to read my blog. I appreciate you sharing your experiences and your thoughts.
DeleteIt is definitely something I think about. My mother has a much younger severely disabled younger sister, that I have not had much interaction with (we lived overseas and she apparently was violent when we were young). So on the occasions when I have been pregnant naturally it is always something that worries me- not without cause!
ReplyDeleteThat was meant to be the point of the ivf cycle with PGD, eliminate that possibility- but we didn't have any to test. I actually found it a bit confronting- we signed to destroy any problematic embryos, including Down's syndrome, but I probably wouldn't terminate a Down's baby if we conceived naturally.
Sorry for the novel- it is an issue I think about, and it is comforting to know others worry too- everyone else takes it for granted they will have perfect babies on schedule!
Thank you for sharing your personal story and experience. I don't mind long responses. The thing that I have noticed with IF is that it makes you really think about things. There is no easy solution. There are ethical dilemmas all along they way. Nothing is to be taken lightly. IF zaps out the oblivious bubble.
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