For much of January, I have been thinking and wondering and worrying... Am I too old to have a baby of my own? Are my eggs still good? Is it selfish of me to want to have a biological child with T~?
And really what each of these questions should add is some form of "a healthy baby." I am scared because the longer I wait, there is an increased chance there could be complications. Usually, I am good about regular exercise and healthy eating. However, my bigger concern is for the potential child. I am nervous about possible health or developmental issues. Sure lots of people have had healthy babies later in life. Will that be me? I would hope so.
But having been a teacher and now working in the medical field, I have seen more than my share of children with complicated medical or developmental needs. It takes a lot of work. And truth be told, I have had multiple parents who have expressed their guilt and confessed to me that they wondered if they had been selfish in having a child later in life. They have wondered aloud if they brought on these troubles to their child...and stopping short of saying that maybe they should not have tried in the first place. These are good people and I realize they are sharing these thoughts while under great distress.
Nevertheless, it gives me pause. At what cost do you try? Is the risk worth the benefit? Who is the priority? It is not all about you. It is also about that future person you may bring into this world. At what cost is it to them? What are you maybe asking them to sacrifice? Is it fair?
I know in some ways I am getting ahead of myself as T~ and I are still planning our wedding. But, I can't help it. I am feeling the pressure of time. I want to make a responsible choice. My thoughts waiver. Should we try for a baby of our own? Should we adopt? Can I be happy without children and instead dedicate myself to my career by helping others? Or should I focus my energies on the people in my extended family and friends? Lots of questions and lots to think about.
When I start to feel overwhelmed by it, I focus on wedding planning and my life with T~. It is much more fun. :)