My blog has been quiet this month. Or at least it feels that way for me because I usually have a running list of posts that I want to write and don't always make the time to write them. I feel that I got caught up on most of them this past fall. The list is very short now and they are still incubating. They will come in time.
In some ways I feel I am trying to refocus my thoughts away from baby related things, so there is less to write. But, my life is more than hoping to be a mom. Looking back on the history of my posts, some of it has been about rebuilding or recapturing my life and I have written about dating, career or moments of life.
This past month, I have been working on the annulment of my first marriage. I started it in the fall and then had to wait for the paperwork to be mailed to begin the next steps. It dredged up a lot of old, ugly feelings of loss, doubt and hurt. Not fun. I've worked very hard to make peace with the past and leave it in the past. I've been told that the annulment process can be very healing. That has not been my experience. It just feels like it is opening old wounds and rubbing salt in them. Maybe I waited too long to do it. But, I've been told that the timeline is right and otherwise it would have been too soon, too raw. I don't know. It feels redundant and unnecessary. Maybe that is because I invested the time early and during the fall out with having support from a counselor, my priest and a support group at church, in addition to wonderful friends and family. I feel angry having to open it all up again. It is my choice. I want the annulment. It just really sucks. It sucks feeling stupid, feeling less than and unvalued.
Argh! Just want to get it done!
Fortunately, I am not putting pressure on having to have it done before T~ and I get married. It will get done when it gets done. We can have our marriage recognized by the church after the fact. I am not going to let the annulment take away from my present happiness in my relationship with T~. We are excited about our plans for our wedding. :)