Triggers, Not Just For IF

As my hubby and I were finishing dinner, he offered to clean up the dishes, which I appreciated.  He is a kind man and always willing to help out around the house.  Sometimes he spoils me.

His nephew's birthday was the next day and the present still needed wrapped.  So, I thought I'd help and pick out some wrapping paper and wrap it.  I went to the closet in the guest bedroom in our apartment.  As I was considering the options, I came across a roll I had not seen before that had obviously been used.

It sucked my breath away.  And I called out and asked, "What was this pink, flowery roll from?"  T~ responded from the kitchen with a vague, "I don't know."  My eyes became tearful and my heart sank with my thoughts starting to run all over the place.  I commented that I hadn't seen it before and I wondered what it had been used for.  He said in a puzzled voice that he didn't know, but then quickly followed that it must have been for his mom and recalled buying her something recently.

I took a breath and felt terrible for the ugly mess of thoughts coming to mind.  The wrapping paper was a trigger, unbeknownst to me, reminding me of my past spouse's infidelity.  I did not want those thoughts and it upset me to feel those ghostly feelings.  It also surprised me, as those distant thoughts seemed dormant, but quickly and sharply came to the surface.

T~ had recognized the change in my tone and came to check on me from the kitchen.  At this time I was trying to regroup myself and shake off the old hurt.  He hugged me and asked what was wrong as he held me.  I shrugged and did not want to talk about it.  He asked if it had something to do with my ex-husband, and I nodded.  He asked if I wanted to talk about it, and I shook my head no.  T~ said he was sorry to see that I was reminded of him and the hurt he caused.  And I said thank you.

T~ held me for a moment and I felt better, and secure in our relationship.  I am thankful for T~'s patience, compassion and understanding.  He did not make me feel less or like I was questioning him.  He acknowledged my pain and we moved on, with the rest of the evening quite pleasant and normal.

After the divorce, I had a conversation with a friend who had gone through divorce herself.  I felt broken and wondered who would want to be with me having been divorced.  My past felt so big and heavy.  I didn't know what to do with it.  Fourteen years was too much to ignore, but it was not something I wanted to discuss with a romantic partner either.  Carli told me that I did not have to hide my past and that one day I would find a man who would love me, all of me, and that he would be able handle my past--not that it would be the focus, but he would understand and not be afraid of it.  After thinking about my single days and dating and with my relationship with T~, she was right.  And I am happy to say that person by my side is T~.

In-Person Parent Time

There is a guy, Tim Urban, who writes a blog called Wait But Why.  The topics of the posts can be a bit all over the place, but many are an interesting read.  Sometimes when he kind of gets more introspective, I kind of feel like he is walking around in my head.  Yes, I think and worry about those things, too!

One thing that I probably spend too much time worrying about is having the opportunity to spend time with my parents.  Some of it probably has to do with experiencing several significant deaths at an early age.  Some of it likely has to do with IF as it brings an awareness of the fragility of our being.  And with currently being childless, I don't have kids to distract me from thinking about these particular big life thoughts.  It is not to say people with children are not deep thinkers or share similar thoughts, I just have more time to dwell on them.  Finally, some of it may be because I'm a sensitive, old soul who enjoys deep meaningful relationships and favors quality over quantity.  Parents are pretty significant people in our lives.  It freaks me out to acknowledge that my time with them is limited.

Some may dismiss my worries because they say we are all getting older and it is life that we will not have our parents forever.  True.  But does it not bother you?

Tim Urban does a very nice job of quantifying this concern of mine.  In fact, he has a mathematical, pictorial representation.  He also discusses in-person parent time.  You can read his blog here.

As I was reading his blog, I vacillated between excited appreciation and increasing fear.  It was a relief to read that someone else thinks about this kind of stuff while trying not to rev up feelings of anxiety.  He gets close to the edge of the runaway train effect.  However, he closes on an important message.  Proximity, priorities and quality matter.

I am thankful to have moved back to Ohio.  I feel a bit more at ease than when I lived in other places.  It feels very good after visiting them this past weekend just because I had the time.  Big fan of unstructured time.

February Run Down

Time is strange.  While it feels like time just keeps flying, I also feel stuck and that things are moving slowly.  I am busy everyday but I wonder, how much am I actually accomplishing?  It is another back dated post, but I seem to want to jot down some notes so that maybe I can see some progress, movement or forward motion.

Looking for a job is a full-time job.  It is a constant cycle of researching, completing applications and following up.  There is always more.

My health is important and having insurance is a priority.  There is relief that I can get it, but it is expensive--the laws vary from state to state and there are so many variables as to who is eligible for reduced premiums.  My arm still hurts and I need care.

Emotional IF meltdown with a trifecta of triggers.

• Read an article linked from a blog about new research suggesting that the decline of egg quality is more like in the range of 33 to 37.  It means that egg decline begins earlier than 35 and that the range ends more quickly than previously thought.  It is more like dropping off a cliff.  While I know getting pregnant at 35 or after is high risk and greatly reduced, I thought there was more time in the decline.  I thought the time to be more realistic for it not happening for me would be around 40 or 42.  If the cliff is 37, then I have about six months to get pg.  And that is highly unlikely because the timing has been derailed for me.  While I am in a relationship, it is not the right time for us.  We just moved in with each other, my career is unsettled and I am unsure where I may be living in a year.  Life feels like it is on hold again in some ways.  And while the pause button has been pressed, time keeps passing and my window of opportunity gets smaller and smaller.
• This got me thinking about my age and I realized that I am older than what my mom was when my sister was born.  My mom had my sister when she was 35 and I was 11.  I look at what my parents had at my age--marriage, a house, children, career and being part of the community.  I am nowhere near that and I feel like I am just floating and drifting from space to space.  There are no roots, stability or routine.  Everything is up in the air.  While some envy the freedom of my life in having choices to make my life whatever I want, the reality is that I am limited in my choices.  The economy is really tough and I don't want to rush my relationship with T~.  Time is a limited resource.
• Then I return to those urges where I so very much want to be a mom.  And I wonder, was having a sister 11 years younger than me as close to motherhood that I am going to get?  Will I only get glimpses of it through my godchildren?  Will I only experience it through the joy I feel for my friends as they share pictures and stories about their own children?  Is it just not supposed to happen for me?

March is coming and while I am not specifically sad about the twins, I think I am feeling that undercurrent of emotion.  It has quieted down this year.  I think that I have made significant gains in my grief over the loss of adoption of them.  I think these overwhelming emotions are more related to facing the possibility that I may not ever become a mother.  Time is not out, but at some point you have to face reality--even getting ready to face that possible reality.

The twins would have been five-years-old this year, preschoolers getting ready for Kindergarten.

August Rush

The undercurrent of feeling sadness, weakness and grief sit below the surface.  I've been thinking it has been coming.  Kind of like in March, I thought I could get past it and it not sneak up on me.  But, nope.  I figured it was coming when I started making phone calls to family and friends.  I wonder if they remember or if they have forgotten.

It was in August when I married him. It was in August when we returned to Pittsburgh to move into our dream house.  It was a year later in August when he had surgery and we found out that he could not have children.  And he was already cheating on me without me knowing it yet.  I believed his lies.

I know I get emotionally clingy this time of year.  I don't like to be alone and try to fill my time with lots of people.  I have a new, lovely apartment and I did not want to spend the night in it alone.  Tomorrow I probably will.  I need to remind myself to be comfortable with being just by myself.  I need to renew.  I need to find my center and my own grounding.  I cannot get it from others.

I want to talk to T~ about it.  But something tells me I should keep it to myself.  Maybe I'll share I've just been feeling sad and that just happens sometimes, but I don't want to talk about it.  I know I'm feeling insecure and want to be careful not to project it onto him.

I wonder if others feel these swirling emotions around the time of an old anniversary?  Am I holding on too much?  When will I be over the hurt?

Today I cried as I considered tossing away my cats' vet tags.  I had duplicates, so it would not have been like all of them.  But I couldn't.  I just cried.  I looked at the years and thought about them...where I was and what had been my life.  I cried some more and I felt so badly. My heart hurt because I feel like I abandoned my cats.  I kept repeating, I'm sorry.  I'm sorry.  The tears dripped down my cheeks.  And  I was thankful as I remembered Chris's words that sometimes it is being less selfish and more responsible to let them go...to find them a good home when the stress would be too great to keep caring for them as I focused on putting my life back together again.

And I stood in my apartment feeling very alone...in a place of new beginnings alone.  I am still alone.

I have a boyfriend.  But, he is a boyfriend.  Keep expectations in check, but be grateful for what I share with him.  Allow the space for us to grow.  Look for his lead, like wanting to spend Christmas together and maybe Thanksgiving.

UPDATE:  After chatting with Julie, I am glad to have the girl time to reflect and recharge.  From our our conversation, I came to a few conclusions.  My past wedding anniversary is still sad for me.  I wonder if this is normal?  Am I holding on too much or being honest with my feelings?  But, I am making progress.  It kind of came up on me without a ton of thought.  But, it is the after ripples that concerned me.  Why do I still feel sad?

I think part of it is that I'm moving and it brings reflection.  He is married and I am not.  And going through old stuff brings sadness.  But, I have done better with letting go and donating items.

It seems better to look at the positives.  I have a good job and I'm taking care of myself.  The hurt is less.  Giving things away is easier and I'm letting go of more.  I'm making space for new in my life.  Even if I am single, I do have a wonderful boyfriend.  Like how Julie expressed, sometimes it seems it would be nice to have it all wrapped up and know how it ends.  But, that is not really living and I am doing better at living in the moment.

Superstitious

I don't like to think of myself as a superstitious kind of person.  But if I am honest with myself, I kind of am.  And I think my experiences with IF have probably amplified it.  Irrational fear?  A willingness to do or to avoid things that you think will influence an outcome?  Unrelated efforts and events, but trying to gain some semblance of control?  Maybe.

As an example, while my former husband and I were looking into adoption, we did not decorate the designated bedroom as a nursery for our one day hoped child .  In fact, we did not put anything inside of it.  The room was completely bare, beige carpet, white walls and an empty closet.  The room remained empty out of fear that if we had decorated the room in preparation for a baby that the baby would never come.  We also did not want to have to look at the constant reminder that our home, our arms and our hearts were feeling empty.  However, the vacant room kind of did that, too, but maybe it felt like it would hurt less...if that could be possible.  In addition, it was an act of defiance in that if we put anything else inside of it, like a spare bed or odds and ends, that the dream would be lost.  We feared that by giving the room another purpose, even if temporary, that the clutter could also chase away the possibility of a baby.  Oh, IF and its paralyzing inaction, whether by choice or not.

So, keeping this illogical, superstitious thought process in mind, it has served as a reason an excuse for not writing the second part in an intended two part post.  I was originally going to write it that same month when I realized that the first post was so long.  Plus, it seemed deserving of telling not just one side of a story, but the layers of stories within one.  Several months passed and it felt like I had waited too long and the posts would be disconnected.  Plus, I had moved and was getting settled in a new city.  So then the next plan was to write it a year later, but other things happened and I was feeling grumpy and felt the need to express those feelings.  My brain was not in a place to give the second part its true attention.  Next, I figured I could tie it into another holiday in June.  But, I was in California and chasing Big Foot and got a little distracted.

Funny thing though, this superstitious behavior has been reinforced yet again!  My friend, Diane, posted something on Facebook about some recent frustrations...got to love the government and all of their paperwork and great organizational skills.  (I'm sorry, is the second half of that sentence dripping with sarcasm?  Oh wait, I'm not sorry.)  After feeling sad and angry for my friend and sending her words of support for something that should hopefully be resolved soon, I had a wave of other emotions.  Yes, these feelings were very me-centered, but at least they came secondary.  These were feelings of nonsensical validation and relief...Aha!  I knew there was a reason why I waited to write that post!  So, I am giving myself permission to wait to write part two and will work on the draft in the mean time.

Have you ever had a post that you had always wanted to write or to finish?  Did it feel like it just kept coming back to you, just needing to be completed?  I think there may be hints of needing closure, but having difficulty facing some underlying feelings, too.  It's the double-edge sword, you know it will be good, but that it may also hurt, too.  And it is okay to feel happy and sad at the same time.  Feelings are not selfish.  They just are.  It is what you do with them that is important.

Dating Hesitation

Since moving to Orlando, I have been fortunate to have gone on a few dates.  It has been fun meeting new people while attracting the attention of some nice men.  One guy wasn't a good match for me.  He was a nice guy, just not quite the right fit.  Another guy was a lot of fun, but he lives a little ways away on the beach.  I get the impression he is still balancing some things in his life and the distance thing does not help that.  Or maybe I wasn't a match for him?

But, I am okay with accepting if the fit is just not there in the early phase of dating and then moving onto the next possibility.  I think I am improving in that area and not taking it as personal.  It is a good thing to feel comfortable in not feeling like I have to settle for an okay fit or good enough.  I value wanting there to be more of connection that is satisfying for both people.  I want a relationship that I can enjoy and that they enjoy with me.  I want to share a life with someone.  I want to have fun and look forward to seeing them.

Then with the most recent guy, it's still kind of early and I am trying to take things slowly.  I'm trying to return to this approach in general because I think it will help me to get to know the person better to head off getting clouded and confused.  Once I am emotionally attached it is easier for me to overlook or forgive behaviors, flaws or synchronicity that is off where it may not be the best match.

I have found myself with that familiar feeling of being tickled when I get to see him.  He is easy to talk to about similar interests and what is happening in life.  He is kind, open and insightful.  However, when we went on a few dates, I found my nerves bubbling up and getting the best of me.  I was thinking too much and not in the moment.  Panic was setting in and it was freaking me out.

In part, I realize that I feel a little more pressure with dating now than I did before when I lived in Pittsburgh.  When I was in Pittsburgh and I first started dating again, it was an adventure.  At first I didn't take it too seriously because I figured that if things didn't work out, that I would be leaving after graduation.  The plan was to get my degree, get a job and get the heck out of there.  Pittsburgh was supposed to be temporary.  It was kind of liberating and allowed me to be more in the moment.  Then I met and fell in love with RJ, which was not part of the plan.  I was coming to a place of happy acceptance that life is not always what you plan and some the best stuff can pop into your life when you least expect it.  My thoughts and hopes for my future shifted towards envisioning a life in Pittsburgh with RJ.  However, that relationship ended and I became open to leaving town, again.  This time it was with a heart with mixed emotions.  It was an opportunity to embrace a fresh start, but it meant distance from the people who became my very close friends and confidants.  Pittsburgh crept into my heart and I made it my home.  It was bitter sweet for me to leave.

Now dating feels more real, like the stakes have been raised and there is less room for error, for heartbreak.  It was so difficult for me to live in the same neighborhood as RJ after the relationship ended.  There were so many reminders of him.  There was a history with A~, but he left town.  Part of me is afraid that if things start and end with someone in Orlando, I wouldn't have a place to run.  I am afraid of getting hurt again.  And I think this is silly.  Lots of people start and end relationships where they live and they reestablish themselves.  And dating should be fun and it should be an adventure!

Finally, I have been worried that if things got more serious with the most recent guy and if it ended, I'm worried about possibly hurting him.  I want to keep things more light and breezy.  He has stated that he likes me, but knows and is understanding that I want to take things slowly.  But, I don't want to hurt him, and kind of selfishly I don't want to deal with the emotional fallout in how it may impact me.  Insert where I know I am being contradictory of myself because I have been angry and suspect that RJ did that very thing to me.  It's holding me back, I can feel it and it has been bothering me.

The recent guy is a grown man and makes his own choices.  I should not be trying to be responsible for him not getting hurt.  We each have a responsibility to be honest and respectful with each other.  But, each person is responsible for their own feelings and the risks they take.  There is some element of trust in there.

With these realizations, it has helped me to understand what I think is the root of my problem.  I am feeling a little better being able to identify my worries.  Hopefully, I can let go of them and get back to being more relaxed, present and authentic...to just be me!  It's got to be all in to give me, him and us a chance to see if it can begin and to see where it may lead.

A Text

RJ sent me a text last weekend.  He congratulated me with the Browns beating the Steelers.  Then, he said that he hoped I was doing well in Orlando.

I don't think his text is fair.  Sure, he may have been reaching out to let me know he was thinking about me.  Good for well wishes.  But, it hurts, even if confirming that I had some significance in his life.  Just let me be.

I didn't respond to the text.

Instead, I decided to write him a letter through email this weekend.  I took it as an opening for me to kind of respond to the note he had written in his card over the summer, the last of the processed thoughts that I had upon settling in Orlando and when the numbness wore off.  I thought about hand writing the note, but I wanted to include some links to a song...music speaks to him.  That, and I just didn't feel like giving him any more of myself than I needed...my handwriting, my touch on the page.

I'm not going to post the letter, as some of it is more personal than I care to share in my blog.  Also, some of it touches on reflections I have already said.  My letter was my last attempt to say whatever was left unsaid that I wished I had been braver and more aware to say in the moment when I left Pittsburgh.

However, the excerpt below touches on an important conversation I had with my aunt.  And I want to remember her words.

Shortly after moving to Orlando, I had an interesting conversation with one of my aunts. We were just talking about relationships in general and some of her words resonated with me. When couples seem to come to that place of having to make life choices, it seems sometimes it may be between the relationship or career. She said neither is right or wrong, they just are. They will take you on different paths of happiness and fulfillment. 

There were times I thought that maybe RJ ended the relationship with me because he was afraid or unable to be trusting in us for things to work for the long-term.  Or, it could be what he said in that there was something missing for him.  It doesn't matter because it is done and over.

I am moving forward and letting go more each day.  The holidays make it a bit tricky sometimes.  And his text does not help, pulling me back.  If he contacts me again, I may just have to say no more.  I think I am at a place where I am okay with that, which is the important part.

Unhappy Birthday

Turning 34 was really difficult for me.  Turning 35 this year is even harder.  This is not where I thought my life would be.  Yes, I know it is better to be thankful for what you do have in your life and to focus on the blessings and the positives.  But I am tired of being strong and I just want to sulk in my misery for a bit.  Kind of need to hit that bottom (again) and try to get it out of my system before coming up again.  Sometimes I just need to cry.  If I had my way, I'd just stay in bed all day tomorrow and just wait it out to end.  I just don't feel like being around anyone.

It was hard enough being married and turning 30 and not having had a child.  Now I am 35, divorced, single and in no place to be entering a new relationship--and nowhere near considering having a child because if I'm going to have a child, I want that to be a shared experience with someone I love.  I'm just such a mess.  While I do feel like I am making more headway towards finding closure with the end of my relationship with RJ and forgiveness with A~, I just feel so lost in the loss of my dreams.  My heart aches and hurts so much, to have a desire to give so much love and to have no direction to give it.

Turning 35 feels like the window is not far off from closing.  I know there is still time and I am trying really hard not to hang all of my happiness on a relationship or a child.  But today, it is really hard.  So, I am just going to give myself permission to feel sad and cry every tear that I need today.  Hopefully, tomorrow will be better.

I am trying really hard to hang onto hope that I will find a man to share love and a life together.  My next step is to build up the courage, faith and trust to believe that it will happen.  As much as it almost hurts to breathe right now and that I'm drowning in my own sorrow, I will come to the surface--hopefully sooner rather than later.  What gives me hope is knowing several women in my life who have found love later in life and have received many bountiful blessings.  Please, God, let my turn come.

Lost and Found

When I got home from the gym the other day, I realized that I forgot to put my belt in my bag after changing out of my clothes from work. I called the gym right away and told them about it. They took my information and said that they would call me if they found it. They also asked if I was going to be in the next day to work out and I said yes. There was no call and it was not in the lost and found. I tried to be hopeful that someone would have turned it in at the desk. I was very sad as the realization began to sink in that it was really gone.

It was a really nice belt in the way that I could wear it with quite a few things. It went well with jeans or khakis. I could semi-dress it up for a relaxed preppy kind of look or I could dress it down with a t-shirt and comfy jeans. It was made of soft, worn brown leather with small, flat metal studs and a line of stitching of twine-like threading. It was so me. Soft and casual, yet with a subtle depth of layered detail. It was the perfect belt and I had had it for at least twelve years. It was an artifact from college that remained a classic staple in my wardrobe and I probably would have worn it until well past eighty. I'm a simple kind of person and not always one with a lot of accessories, so for quite awhile this was my only belt. (Why would I even need another one?) But now it is gone. I am so bummed.

But why? Why am I so emotionally invested and attached to the belt? I've tried to shake the feeling because it seems silly to have such feelings of loss over something material. So, what is it about this belt that is so hard to let go?

I guess it reminds me of college and my youth. It was a simple way to recall the past without breaking out an old, smelly t-shirt. And somehow I think the belt served as a way to connect my past and present by representing what was consistent in my identity across time and that certain elements would follow me into my future. There were several times in my life when I struggled with either loosing my identity or figuring out how to reclaim it or redefine it. But the belt was a constant--looking at it I would think, yep that's me.

But then there were times in the last year or so that as I would put on the belt and I would feel sad. And it always felt strange to have that feeling with something that I considered to be a favorite. But there were times that the belt would take me back to that dark, lonely place in my divorce when I felt so lost and alone and like my life was spinning out of control. It was because during that time I lost forty pounds (I had gained thirty pounds during the prior year while trying to get pregnant.). I was at a loss and felt helpless each time I had to pull the belt another notch tighter. I remember when I got to the last notch and it just wasn't tight enough. I felt scared and knew that I couldn't loose anymore weight and stopped stepping onto the scale when it dropped to 98 pounds. That was a low point in my life.

Well after I returned to a healthier weight, I wondered if maybe I should get a new belt. Why keep something that could sometimes draw out hints of sadness? But would I be abandoning something that seemed to symbolize what makes up me has always been there and use it to carry me forward? Is it better to hold onto something and learn to live with that trace of sadness or to come to a place where it is time to let it go and move on?

I guess the decision has been made for me--or perhaps it was my subconscious that decided for me. The belt is lost and gone and I will have to find a new one. I just hope that I can find one that is just as awesome, but in its own unique way. More reason to go shopping!

Feeling Something in the Air

March is a difficult month for me. I wrote about it last year in my post, March Madness. Even though I feel like I have done a lot to process those events and feelings, there is still a trace that is felt now. I have found myself to be quite emotional for the past few weeks. There are times when I can barely hold back the tears that seem to come from somewhere deep within me--a great and overwhelming sadness. When I stepped outside on Friday, there was something in the air, the wind and the sunshine that took me to that place again in a snap. But the sadness that I felt was somehow different. It was like in layers, some distant and some newly surfacing. The welled up feelings seemed to suddenly fall into place and crystallize in one moment, in one breath. As I am moving beyond my past relationship and my past life, it is the loss of motherhood that haunts me.

A few weeks ago, I was volunteering at the hospital and visiting with children who needed a little extra company. As I reached into the crib to pick up the infant, the blanket slipped a bit and I saw the stripped print of his sleeper. He was wearing the same sleeper that I had purchased for the babies I had once hoped to adopt with my ex. The same sleeper that still sits in a drawer in one of my nightstands.

Of course I was sad and I gave pause in that moment. But I also tried to push aside my feelings so that I wouldn't completely fall apart while sitting in the hospital with this child. I rocked him and sang songs to him.

After I left, I wondered what my baby would have looked like, would have felt like in that sleeper. And then I realized that if my ex and I had been able to adopt those twins from Utah, they would have turned two-years-old this month. I could be the mother of two-year-old twins right now. What would we have already experienced together? What moments would I have treasured? What would we be doing right now? I pictured taking them outside and going to a park, going to the grocery store or holding their little hands. And it all just makes me so sad. The chance of motherhood seeming to have slipped past me.

And has it really been two years? That feels so long and far away. And then I feel like it is pitiful that I still have the sleepers. I have felt ready to pass them along for a while, or at least that is what I have told myself. I no longer feel like giving them away means giving away the dream of motherhood, either, which is good. I just haven't found a place that seems good enough to give away something so significant to me. I can't tell you how many times I have driven past the Good Will store or shook my head as I passed a donation drop off box. But, my most recent thoughts on the sleepers have been to maybe donate them to the hospital. I don't know, maybe.

It is time. I have held onto the sleepers for too long and I don't want to feel like they are holding me back. Before I do, I think I will write a letter. I need to have my good-bye and I think it will be good to write about what they had meant to me.

A True Friend

I have to say that yesterday could have been a terrible day. It was a day with sadness and hurt of the past, but I let myself feel it and then carry on with my day. I did not fight the thoughts that passed in and out of my mind.

But one of the big things that helped most was a phone call that I got from one of my dearest best friends. Karen called me in the morning. I had an essay to write and I thought for a moment of not picking up the phone because I was in a good writing groove and the thoughts of what would have been my ten year anniversary were looming in my head. But then I thought, no, pick up the phone.

As Karen and I were talking, I asked her why she called and she said, "Just because."

She asked how I was feeling and then I stopped. I told her not so good and I asked her, "Did you call because you knew it was my anniversary?"

She said, "Yes, I figured today would be a hard day for you."

With that I teared up and out poured all of what I had been feeling about the day. And I told Karen about it and she just listened. And then I cried some more because it was so incredibly sensitive and insightful for her to call me on this day to check on me. Not many people remember anniversaries, or at least it seems like something more celebrated by the couple. And I would think the dates would easily slip out of some one's mind once the marriage is over. I was so touched that she not only remembered, but that she was also brave and supportive enough to call. It was exactly what I needed--to be heard and to be understood. I didn't even fully realize it until the end of the day. Karen allowed me to say out loud what I had been feeling so that it could escape from my reeling unconscious. It freed me to let the day be whatever it was to be. And actually, it turned out to be a pretty good day.

Thank you, Karen! You were my maid of honor and you certainly have never wavered in our long friendship. You are like a sister to me and know me so very well. You amaze me. You are a dear, sweet friend with a heart as big as the moon! I love you, girl!!!

Building Crap-o-la

After I received an email from a friend, I realized that I have been too quiet about my current feelings about my divorce. Her email referenced that sometimes it is best not to say anything if you don't know what to say. Which that is true and can help to avoid the word vomit. But on the flip side, it is also important not to let those feelings stay bottled up and fester. She said there is a time to speak, as well, so that you can feel heard and understood. It also opens you up to be able to have someone empathize with what you are going through. Suffering in silence is not an answer, which was my friend's point and the same can be said for me.

I think that has been my problem lately. I just want to leave the mess of divorce behind, but this divorce stuff just resurfaces. Trying to ignore it and carry on with my life is not working. I've been realizing that this cloud that is divorce can creep in every once in a while and ambush me. I have to give myself permission to revisit and reflect when needed.

I didn't know why, but I have been feeling sad and just tired lately. I am tired of feeling broken. I am tired of it feeling like there are all of these happy couples my age enjoying all that was supposed to have been for me--a loving and respectful husband, a house, kids, and being completely engrossed with all that comes with it.

But no, I am angry because I feel like I am sitting on the sidelines. Starting over is so very difficult sometimes. I feel like I am so far behind with my life goals and dreams and wonder if they will ever come true. Facebook is not helping with seeing the profile pics that pop up in the friend suggestions. I see so many elementary, high school, and college friends and acquaintances that have what was supposed to be mine now. It is a streak of jealousy and I hate it. I loath the sick feeling I get sometimes when seeing happy married couples or people holding their cute kids. Ugh...time is not my friend right now. I wonder if I will find a man who will love and respect all of me, let alone have time to do the other stuff.

I am angry that my ex quickly and carelessly tossed aside all that was our past, as if it never happened or meant anything. I feel used up and like he took some of the prime years of my life that could have been spent with someone who would have valued them. He said he didn't really love me and was just going along with what he thought was expected of him. If that is really how he felt, why couldn't he just let me go? Did he really just string me along for 14 years? Or can he not admit to his mistakes and tells me this lie? I don't get how something that seemed so right could go so wrong so fast. I don't think I will ever know if he just didn't love me as much as I loved him from the beginning or if it is pride that will not allow him to admit that any part of our past relationship was true and real so that he can justify cheating on me.

Someone asked me this past weekend the "what happened?" after nine years of marriage. The length of our 9 to 14 years together seems to say that it wasn't just a young fling, that there must have been something substantial there. He said he knew of others who he was in shock of in getting divorced and he wondered if it was just a front with being the model couple. I hate when people say that kind of thing, and I felt badly for his friends that he put on a pedestal. It's like, yep thanks for making me feel even worse for disappointing you that my marriage fell apart. Here, let me hold your hand. It's not like it sucked the big one for me. It makes me want to scream. No this is not what I wanted! I did not choose this for myself and no, I was not faking the relationship. I feel like some people just want to know what was wrong so they don't "catch it." Ugh...

Hopefully, this will help to get some of this negativity out because I'd much rather focus on the good stuff in my life. And there have been some really good things mixed in with some really good moments when I feel like I am on top of the world and can hardly recognize my life--in the good kind of way.