Turning 34 was really difficult for me. Turning 35 this year is even harder. This is not where I thought my life would be. Yes, I know it is better to be thankful for what you do have in your life and to focus on the blessings and the positives. But I am tired of being strong and I just want to sulk in my misery for a bit. Kind of need to hit that bottom (again) and try to get it out of my system before coming up again. Sometimes I just need to cry. If I had my way, I'd just stay in bed all day tomorrow and just wait it out to end. I just don't feel like being around anyone.
It was hard enough being married and turning 30 and not having had a child. Now I am 35, divorced, single and in no place to be entering a new relationship--and nowhere near considering having a child because if I'm going to have a child, I want that to be a shared experience with someone I love. I'm just such a mess. While I do feel like I am making more headway towards finding closure with the end of my relationship with RJ and forgiveness with A~, I just feel so lost in the loss of my dreams. My heart aches and hurts so much, to have a desire to give so much love and to have no direction to give it.
Turning 35 feels like the window is not far off from closing. I know there is still time and I am trying really hard not to hang all of my happiness on a relationship or a child. But today, it is really hard. So, I am just going to give myself permission to feel sad and cry every tear that I need today. Hopefully, tomorrow will be better.
I am trying really hard to hang onto hope that I will find a man to share love and a life together. My next step is to build up the courage, faith and trust to believe that it will happen. As much as it almost hurts to breathe right now and that I'm drowning in my own sorrow, I will come to the surface--hopefully sooner rather than later. What gives me hope is knowing several women in my life who have found love later in life and have received many bountiful blessings. Please, God, let my turn come.
Have your cry, Jamie. It's totally acceptable. I have been in your shoes and completely understand. I remember my 35th birthday. I was miserable. Every birthday, every Christmas, every New Year's Eve,every Mother's Day...all reminders of yet another year gone by without a baby. There is a plan for you and as hard as it is to believe, God has that plan in mind. He will show you the way. Patience is the hardest thing I have had to learn but it is one of the best skills as a parent that I value the most now. You WILL have everything you ever dreamed of and it will be better than you could've ever imagined!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Diane. Thank you for having that balance of understanding and helping me to have faith. I know your words are heartfelt, especially as you have had quite the journey in your life. (Hugs)
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