Friday, April 22, 2011

Getting Rid of the Elephant in the Room

I've been meaning to write a post about this for a while--it is related to how I am handling people's pregnancies. I had written about how difficult it was for me to hear this news for three close friends from growing up. It is difficult because I had always imagined that at some point I could be pregnant with them--to share the experience together. So it can be sad to feel like life is passing me by in someways. But then I take a step back and realize that my life is on a different path and I refocus on what I am thankful to have in my life.

I am thankful for loving and supportive friends--in new friends and old friends who are like sisters to me. I am thankful to have the opportunity to work on completing my master's degree and I have hope in continuing a fresh start in my life. I am thankful for having a heart that is open to love and meeting RJ, who does not shy away from my past and accepts me--all of me. I am thankful for the unconditional love of my family and the moments in which their strength shines through. I am thankful for the strength to embrace hope--in not just surviving and moving beyond, but also in wanting to really live life in appreciating its satisfaction and wonder.

So, I am happy to say that I decided to visit my dear friend, Karen, in the hospital after the birth of her second child. I am glad that I did this with a positive mindset in not just doing the right thing, but wholeheartedly wanting to give back and support her. I felt it was important to visit her because she was honoring our relationship with the invitation to share in this important moment in her life. I really appreciate my friendship with Karen because she strikes that delicate balance of being mindful of my past struggles with IF, but she also does not shy away and continues to sensitively include me in her life with her family.

And as life moves forward, there are and will be other important people who become pregnant in my life. I am happy to say, most of the women I have met in the IF community now have children or are expecting a child. I want to also thank these women for their continued friendship and sharing of their journeys. While it might be easier to drift apart, I value their reciprocated support. I enjoy reading and talking to them about their experiences and I am happy that they recognize and support my life path, even if it is different.

As it might sound selfish or silly to sometimes want to hide from the world of pregnancy and motherhood, I know and I don't want to ignore it forever. It is not healthy or realistic. Life moves on and I am learning how to accept and celebrate pregnancy and motherhood with the special women in my life. It will not be the same as before IF, but avoiding it now doesn't work for me either. Life is not all about me and I want to be there for my friends and loved ones. I feel a shift, which I think is a healthier way to carry forward. I can recognize my sadness, but I can also share in the happiness I feel for my friends and loved ones.

Thursday, April 14, 2011


Things are shifting, things are changing, but they have not yet fallen into place. How this chapter in my life will end, I do not know because there is so much yet to be determined.

For the most part, I have been okay--not too up and not too down. There have been days with more blips of emotion, and I have learned to let them pass. My thoughts have been shifting towards thinking about where my life is going and I have reconciled with myself that I don't need to have the answers right now. I think the present and the summer will have much to tell me, so I will just go along for the ride of life unfolding. I hope to have more clarity when I return to Pittsburgh and it will be then that I can better investigate my possibilities.

I know this post is vague, but that is kind of how I am feeling. Plans for the future are uncertain, but I am okay with that--for now.

Friday, April 8, 2011

A Question of "In" or "With"

I feel like I have been just okay--not too up and not too down. There is no major mess on my plate, but I still have a feeling of some inner turmoil. Am I bothered by the lack of unrest in my life? Am I reading into it that there must be something wrong if I don't feel strongly one way or the other? Or am I experiencing the undercurrent of feelings before a big change, my internship in Columbus?

Well, I guess I am frustrated because I don't know what RJ plans to do this summer in terms of our relationship. He doesn't seem to show a lot of interest in coming to see me while I am in Columbus. I tried to ask him if he would be interested in planning a trip with me before I start my internship and he has been very non-commital. He says he sees me in his future and there are times he assumes that I will be there for stuff, but I don't know. You can't always trust in what a guy says, but some of his actions seem to speak that he does see me in his life long-term. But maybe that is the question, does he see me in his life or does he allow room to have a life with me?

RJ is very oriented to living in the present, which is good. It is in the little stuff and the everyday that life seems so big with him, which I love. I tend to be a person who likes to plan and know what is ahead. But I know that can be limiting because that doesn't always allow you to live in the present, which is where a lot of the real fun in life can be found. I feel like I appreciate living more in the present and I have been trying to make a shift towards it. But it can also be fun to dream, so thinking about the future is not such a bad thing at times either. I don't know if my expectations are off or it we just don't fit as well as I would hope. I hate to be knit-picky because I think you can poke enough holes in any relationship and make it seem questionable.

Another area that seems to be on my mind is the balance of separateness and being able to join with another person. By joining, I mean really being present with each other and being able to flow with give and take in the moment. Joining can also have elements of planning and dreaming of the future together. I have struggled with separateness, which is something that RJ does very well. It has helped me to grow, as I have been trying to do this anyways. But I wonder if he does it too well and I question if he is able to really join with another person, by way of thinking and dreaming with another person in the future orientation. I feel like that layer of being able to trust to dream in the future, which can enhance that living and joining in the present, is lacking.

Bottom line, I would hate to commit to staying in Pittsburgh with someone who is not really willing to make commitments in return. It will be good to go to Columbus to see if Pittsburgh is really where I want to be, regardless of a romantic relationship. I feel like if I am confident in wanting to make a life for myself in Pittsburgh, that it may take some pressure off of our relationship. I feel like this is important because I am not ready to make any big decisions about our relationship. I just feel like if I am unsure about staying in Pittsburgh, that it will cause me to really have to made desicions affecting our relationship prematurely before I am ready. But I also realize that I can't have life always as I would like and certain things are beyond my control. So, I guess I will just have to make my decisions as they come with what is presented to be known at the time and how my heart feels in that moment.

Is all of this thinking bad? What does this mean about my relationship with RJ? What does it say about my relationship with him?

I don't want to be overthinking everything, nor analyzing my way out of something really important to me.