I feel like I have been just okay--not too up and not too down. There is no major mess on my plate, but I still have a feeling of some inner turmoil. Am I bothered by the lack of unrest in my life? Am I reading into it that there must be something wrong if I don't feel strongly one way or the other? Or am I experiencing the undercurrent of feelings before a big change, my internship in Columbus?
Well, I guess I am frustrated because I don't know what RJ plans to do this summer in terms of our relationship. He doesn't seem to show a lot of interest in coming to see me while I am in Columbus. I tried to ask him if he would be interested in planning a trip with me before I start my internship and he has been very non-commital. He says he sees me in his future and there are times he assumes that I will be there for stuff, but I don't know. You can't always trust in what a guy says, but some of his actions seem to speak that he does see me in his life long-term. But maybe that is the question, does he see me in his life or does he allow room to have a life with me?
RJ is very oriented to living in the present, which is good. It is in the little stuff and the everyday that life seems so big with him, which I love. I tend to be a person who likes to plan and know what is ahead. But I know that can be limiting because that doesn't always allow you to live in the present, which is where a lot of the real fun in life can be found. I feel like I appreciate living more in the present and I have been trying to make a shift towards it. But it can also be fun to dream, so thinking about the future is not such a bad thing at times either. I don't know if my expectations are off or it we just don't fit as well as I would hope. I hate to be knit-picky because I think you can poke enough holes in any relationship and make it seem questionable.
Another area that seems to be on my mind is the balance of separateness and being able to join with another person. By joining, I mean really being present with each other and being able to flow with give and take in the moment. Joining can also have elements of planning and dreaming of the future together. I have struggled with separateness, which is something that RJ does very well. It has helped me to grow, as I have been trying to do this anyways. But I wonder if he does it too well and I question if he is able to really join with another person, by way of thinking and dreaming with another person in the future orientation. I feel like that layer of being able to trust to dream in the future, which can enhance that living and joining in the present, is lacking.
Bottom line, I would hate to commit to staying in Pittsburgh with someone who is not really willing to make commitments in return. It will be good to go to Columbus to see if Pittsburgh is really where I want to be, regardless of a romantic relationship. I feel like if I am confident in wanting to make a life for myself in Pittsburgh, that it may take some pressure off of our relationship. I feel like this is important because I am not ready to make any big decisions about our relationship. I just feel like if I am unsure about staying in Pittsburgh, that it will cause me to really have to made desicions affecting our relationship prematurely before I am ready. But I also realize that I can't have life always as I would like and certain things are beyond my control. So, I guess I will just have to make my decisions as they come with what is presented to be known at the time and how my heart feels in that moment.
Is all of this thinking bad? What does this mean about my relationship with RJ? What does it say about my relationship with him?
I don't want to be overthinking everything, nor analyzing my way out of something really important to me.