Showing posts with label March. Show all posts
Showing posts with label March. Show all posts
Friday, March 31, 2017
Eight
You both would have been eight. Getting to be big kids now. Nearly grown up past the daydreams I once had imaging my life with you.
Sunday, March 20, 2016
Hindsight
Today, I felt happy because it was spring.
But last week, I felt guilty. I felt guilty because I wasn't sure if I deserve to miss you both. It was a long shot. And honestly, your existence should not have been mentioned. There were too many other steps to get in the propper place. I feel embarrassed about that and somewhat angry and manipulated. Hindsight. Perhaps, you are not mine to miss. But, the heart is not rational and it will feel what it will feel. You would have been seven.
It is spring, a time to turn the page and leave the sadness in the past. It is a time to start fresh and look forward.
But last week, I felt guilty. I felt guilty because I wasn't sure if I deserve to miss you both. It was a long shot. And honestly, your existence should not have been mentioned. There were too many other steps to get in the propper place. I feel embarrassed about that and somewhat angry and manipulated. Hindsight. Perhaps, you are not mine to miss. But, the heart is not rational and it will feel what it will feel. You would have been seven.
It is spring, a time to turn the page and leave the sadness in the past. It is a time to start fresh and look forward.
Friday, April 10, 2015
12 Angry Women (But Not Really)
While scrolling through my facebook feed a few weeks ago, I noticed a listicle, 12 Women With Perfect Responses For Why They Don't Have Kids, with quotes from famous women without children with their thoughts about not having children. In some ways it was refreshing to see since facebook can be flooded with pictures, posts, blog highlights and advertisements of pregnancy, babies and motherhood. When skimming the news websites, I will also notice articles about parenting, baby making and children. This mini article seemed like a departure from so much of what feels like is being shoved into the forefront. It is not very often that I will come across things about people living childless or childfree. The women highlighted in the article came across to me as strong, confident and unapologetic of living a life without children of their own. They did not respond in a way that was diminishing motherhood, but presenting living the alternative as good, fulfilling and happy.
The article was good timing because I was feeling determined not to let March get me down, as it has typically been a difficult month for me. It was a bit of a pick me up as if to say that if I do not become a mother that I will be okay. I want to be a mother, but I don't know if it will happen.
I had thought about sharing the article in my facebook wall, but then I hesitated. I toggled back and forth if I should or not. I found the article to be empowering and wanted to share it. But then I did not want to come across as some kind of baby/motherhood/parenting hating brat. I was not sure how it would be received. On top of that, with T~ and I planning our wedding, I feel pretty confident that there are people wondering when we are going to start our family...as there have already been comments and questions. While I thought the article's title and content was to the point and honest, I didn't know if it could read as harsh. I was worried it could lead to further unwanted assumptions and inquiries. So, I decided not to post it. Torn between wanting to spread the conversation about living childless or childfree and wanting to protect my privacy.
The article was good timing because I was feeling determined not to let March get me down, as it has typically been a difficult month for me. It was a bit of a pick me up as if to say that if I do not become a mother that I will be okay. I want to be a mother, but I don't know if it will happen.
I had thought about sharing the article in my facebook wall, but then I hesitated. I toggled back and forth if I should or not. I found the article to be empowering and wanted to share it. But then I did not want to come across as some kind of baby/motherhood/parenting hating brat. I was not sure how it would be received. On top of that, with T~ and I planning our wedding, I feel pretty confident that there are people wondering when we are going to start our family...as there have already been comments and questions. While I thought the article's title and content was to the point and honest, I didn't know if it could read as harsh. I was worried it could lead to further unwanted assumptions and inquiries. So, I decided not to post it. Torn between wanting to spread the conversation about living childless or childfree and wanting to protect my privacy.
Tuesday, March 31, 2015
Friday, February 28, 2014
February Run Down
Time is strange. While it feels like time just keeps flying, I also feel stuck and that things are moving slowly. I am busy everyday but I wonder, how much am I actually accomplishing? It is another back dated post, but I seem to want to jot down some notes so that maybe I can see some progress, movement or forward motion.
Looking for a job is a full-time job. It is a constant cycle of researching, completing applications and following up. There is always more.
My health is important and having insurance is a priority. There is relief that I can get it, but it is expensive--the laws vary from state to state and there are so many variables as to who is eligible for reduced premiums. My arm still hurts and I need care.
Emotional IF meltdown with a trifecta of triggers.
The twins would have been five-years-old this year, preschoolers getting ready for Kindergarten.
Looking for a job is a full-time job. It is a constant cycle of researching, completing applications and following up. There is always more.
My health is important and having insurance is a priority. There is relief that I can get it, but it is expensive--the laws vary from state to state and there are so many variables as to who is eligible for reduced premiums. My arm still hurts and I need care.
Emotional IF meltdown with a trifecta of triggers.
- Read an article linked from a blog about new research suggesting that the decline of egg quality is more like in the range of 33 to 37. It means that egg decline begins earlier than 35 and that the range ends more quickly than previously thought. It is more like dropping off a cliff. While I know getting pregnant at 35 or after is high risk and greatly reduced, I thought there was more time in the decline. I thought the time to be more realistic for it not happening for me would be around 40 or 42. If the cliff is 37, then I have about six months to get pg. And that is highly unlikely because the timing has been derailed for me. While I am in a relationship, it is not the right time for us. We just moved in with each other, my career is unsettled and I am unsure where I may be living in a year. Life feels like it is on hold again in some ways. And while the pause button has been pressed, time keeps passing and my window of opportunity gets smaller and smaller.
- This got me thinking about my age and I realized that I am older than what my mom was when my sister was born. My mom had my sister when she was 35 and I was 11. I look at what my parents had at my age--marriage, a house, children, career and being part of the community. I am nowhere near that and I feel like I am just floating and drifting from space to space. There are no roots, stability or routine. Everything is up in the air. While some envy the freedom of my life in having choices to make my life whatever I want, the reality is that I am limited in my choices. The economy is really tough and I don't want to rush my relationship with T~. Time is a limited resource.
- Then I return to those urges where I so very much want to be a mom. And I wonder, was having a sister 11 years younger than me as close to motherhood that I am going to get? Will I only get glimpses of it through my godchildren? Will I only experience it through the joy I feel for my friends as they share pictures and stories about their own children? Is it just not supposed to happen for me?
The twins would have been five-years-old this year, preschoolers getting ready for Kindergarten.
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Unsuccessfully Resisting the Merk of March
It angers and frustrates me that infertility is a lingering part of me. I'd like to say it is not. Any admission that I still think about it from time to time, whether a fleeting passing of grief or a moment that triggers a deeper pain, I just want it behind me. It does not define who I am, but it has shaped me. Writing about it is difficult because it is easy to fall into that false belief that I should just be over it--the same kind of thinking that ticks me off from those who do not understand. It is NIAW, so I will give myself permission to write a few thoughts sans guilt.
Currently, I am personally grappling with the question of finding resolve with infertility and finding resolve with childlessness. They are not exclusively mutual. You can have one, the other, both or none. If I have to be honest with myself, I do not have resolve with the infertility. I have resolve on shaky ground with a hoped, temporary childlessness. There is an acceptance that things are on hold and there is still time--to not give up hope--to be okay with not closing that door just yet. Infertility still hurts me. Or is it that I still allow it to hurt? It hurts me less on a daily basis, but getting through March is still really tough. It is a different animal each year. I guess I need to truly accept this, to allow room for the emotion, the pain and know it will likely come.
The twins would have been four years old in March of this year.
Currently, I am personally grappling with the question of finding resolve with infertility and finding resolve with childlessness. They are not exclusively mutual. You can have one, the other, both or none. If I have to be honest with myself, I do not have resolve with the infertility. I have resolve on shaky ground with a hoped, temporary childlessness. There is an acceptance that things are on hold and there is still time--to not give up hope--to be okay with not closing that door just yet. Infertility still hurts me. Or is it that I still allow it to hurt? It hurts me less on a daily basis, but getting through March is still really tough. It is a different animal each year. I guess I need to truly accept this, to allow room for the emotion, the pain and know it will likely come.
The twins would have been four years old in March of this year.
Monday, March 11, 2013
Tiny Invitation
Today I had dinner at my cousins' house. S~ and S~ have a nine-month-old daughter who is as cute as a button. However, H~ takes a lot of time to warm up to people, so I have not had the opportunity to hold her. Poor kid has had to deal with reflux, milk allergies and colic. Not an easy start to life. But, she is doing much better.
To my pleasant surprise, H~ smiled at me when I first came into the living room. She is at the creeping stage and was holding onto my cousin's hands and walking round the house. S~ said H~ is constantly moving and much happier when she can move freely out and about.
After dinner, we went outside to the front yard and mingled with the neighbors, which seemed like a fairly common routine. People gathered, set up chairs and chatted as several kids weaved in and out of the driveways on their bikes. H~ was alternating between a push toy and walking around with S~ and S~.
As I was sitting on the ground in the driveway, H~ came walking over to me holding S~'s hand. Then, she reached out her tiny hand to me and I took it. Standing up, I joined S~ as H~ lead us around the driveway in wobbly zigzags. After a few passes around the driveway circling the group sitting in chairs, she meandered to the push toy again with her mom. I rejoined the group of adults and listened to the conversation.
After a short time, H~ returned to where I was sitting. This time she held both hands out to me with a smile as she caught her breath in the breeze. I picked her up and lifted her up a few times. It was the first time I really got to hold her. She seemed ready to go, so I took both of her hands to go for another walk. She was picking up the pace and then held on with just one hand. It was a mix of the warm sun, just before dipping down for a more pronounced sunset, and cool, gusty air. As we paced the walk, my curls bounced in the breeze and H~'s wisps floated under the weight of her clip. Faster and faster she went as she transitioned back to one hand on the push toy and the other in my hand, especially on the incline down the drive. Little by little she wanted to do more on her own and I could sense her increasing bravery. She then held the handle with two hands, and I quickly followed behind her keeping my hands hovering near her waist. Smiles and giggles as she cruised to her mom.
It was a sweet moment and a welcomed gift. It was brief, but felt like it was filling an infinite space within that moment. Reminding me of kite flying with Little Bear in her grandmother's garden, I became aware of being present and taking in the joy.
How I have often wondered what it would be like or if I would have the opportunity to hold a tiny, trusting hand of one who is exploring her developing mobile freedoms and expanding the parameters of the world around her. When I dreamed of motherhood, that was the kind of thing I imagined.
To my pleasant surprise, H~ smiled at me when I first came into the living room. She is at the creeping stage and was holding onto my cousin's hands and walking round the house. S~ said H~ is constantly moving and much happier when she can move freely out and about.
After dinner, we went outside to the front yard and mingled with the neighbors, which seemed like a fairly common routine. People gathered, set up chairs and chatted as several kids weaved in and out of the driveways on their bikes. H~ was alternating between a push toy and walking around with S~ and S~.
As I was sitting on the ground in the driveway, H~ came walking over to me holding S~'s hand. Then, she reached out her tiny hand to me and I took it. Standing up, I joined S~ as H~ lead us around the driveway in wobbly zigzags. After a few passes around the driveway circling the group sitting in chairs, she meandered to the push toy again with her mom. I rejoined the group of adults and listened to the conversation.
After a short time, H~ returned to where I was sitting. This time she held both hands out to me with a smile as she caught her breath in the breeze. I picked her up and lifted her up a few times. It was the first time I really got to hold her. She seemed ready to go, so I took both of her hands to go for another walk. She was picking up the pace and then held on with just one hand. It was a mix of the warm sun, just before dipping down for a more pronounced sunset, and cool, gusty air. As we paced the walk, my curls bounced in the breeze and H~'s wisps floated under the weight of her clip. Faster and faster she went as she transitioned back to one hand on the push toy and the other in my hand, especially on the incline down the drive. Little by little she wanted to do more on her own and I could sense her increasing bravery. She then held the handle with two hands, and I quickly followed behind her keeping my hands hovering near her waist. Smiles and giggles as she cruised to her mom.
It was a sweet moment and a welcomed gift. It was brief, but felt like it was filling an infinite space within that moment. Reminding me of kite flying with Little Bear in her grandmother's garden, I became aware of being present and taking in the joy.
How I have often wondered what it would be like or if I would have the opportunity to hold a tiny, trusting hand of one who is exploring her developing mobile freedoms and expanding the parameters of the world around her. When I dreamed of motherhood, that was the kind of thing I imagined.
Friday, May 11, 2012
Moments of Mourning
Yesterday was an unexpectedly bad day. But then, maybe not. Maybe I've been trying to hold the emotions at bay, or maybe I've been distancing them until I could make sense of them.
Mother's Day is coming and my mind has been on the twins. They would be three by now.
As I was driving to work, I just could not stop crying. The tears rolled down my cheeks and I just let them come and wash over me...while on this rare occasion being thankful for the traffic along my way to work that extended my drive to a long 45 minutes.
I hate feeling so sick about Mother's Day. On top of that, add a layer of guilt. I will not be spending the day with my mom because she is working all day and lives in a different state. But my mom said not to worry because it is like she is getting two Mother's Days this year. I was with my family last weekend celebrating my sister's college graduation. (Yea, Kara!) Then, I will be returning to Cleveland to run in the half-marathon and going to my god daughter's birthday party next weekend. So, all good family time. :)
Today was better. Maybe some of it is out of my system. I felt frustrated because March came and went without the emotional roller coaster this year. I took this as a sign of progress. It is not to say that I don't think about them, but it didn't hurt so much...until yesterday. I miss and grieve the opportunity to be their mother. My heart aches and I so want to be a mother. I know I would be a good mother. But I just don't only want children. I want a child to share with a man with whom I love, in a life that we build together...and that would be a blessing because the relationship is the priority.
And I need to be patient with myself. Grief is a process. It will always be there, but less each time it surfaces while showing new meaning or taking a different shape. Feel it, embrace it, honor it and then let it go again and again.
So, I take down those hopes for having a child and put them on another shelf while I continue to reorganize my life. I need to be able to take care of myself first...have a full-time job. Then I need to have the space to meet someone special with time to nurture the relationship. And I go back to the grind of searching and finding that next place in my career. I've been working really hard and meeting a lot of great people doing great things for children in the hospital and educational fields. Something has to open up soon.
Mother's Day is coming and my mind has been on the twins. They would be three by now.
As I was driving to work, I just could not stop crying. The tears rolled down my cheeks and I just let them come and wash over me...while on this rare occasion being thankful for the traffic along my way to work that extended my drive to a long 45 minutes.
I hate feeling so sick about Mother's Day. On top of that, add a layer of guilt. I will not be spending the day with my mom because she is working all day and lives in a different state. But my mom said not to worry because it is like she is getting two Mother's Days this year. I was with my family last weekend celebrating my sister's college graduation. (Yea, Kara!) Then, I will be returning to Cleveland to run in the half-marathon and going to my god daughter's birthday party next weekend. So, all good family time. :)
Today was better. Maybe some of it is out of my system. I felt frustrated because March came and went without the emotional roller coaster this year. I took this as a sign of progress. It is not to say that I don't think about them, but it didn't hurt so much...until yesterday. I miss and grieve the opportunity to be their mother. My heart aches and I so want to be a mother. I know I would be a good mother. But I just don't only want children. I want a child to share with a man with whom I love, in a life that we build together...and that would be a blessing because the relationship is the priority.
And I need to be patient with myself. Grief is a process. It will always be there, but less each time it surfaces while showing new meaning or taking a different shape. Feel it, embrace it, honor it and then let it go again and again.
So, I take down those hopes for having a child and put them on another shelf while I continue to reorganize my life. I need to be able to take care of myself first...have a full-time job. Then I need to have the space to meet someone special with time to nurture the relationship. And I go back to the grind of searching and finding that next place in my career. I've been working really hard and meeting a lot of great people doing great things for children in the hospital and educational fields. Something has to open up soon.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Feeling Something in the Air
March is a difficult month for me. I wrote about it last year in my post, March Madness. Even though I feel like I have done a lot to process those events and feelings, there is still a trace that is felt now. I have found myself to be quite emotional for the past few weeks. There are times when I can barely hold back the tears that seem to come from somewhere deep within me--a great and overwhelming sadness. When I stepped outside on Friday, there was something in the air, the wind and the sunshine that took me to that place again in a snap. But the sadness that I felt was somehow different. It was like in layers, some distant and some newly surfacing. The welled up feelings seemed to suddenly fall into place and crystallize in one moment, in one breath. As I am moving beyond my past relationship and my past life, it is the loss of motherhood that haunts me.
A few weeks ago, I was volunteering at the hospital and visiting with children who needed a little extra company. As I reached into the crib to pick up the infant, the blanket slipped a bit and I saw the stripped print of his sleeper. He was wearing the same sleeper that I had purchased for the babies I had once hoped to adopt with my ex. The same sleeper that still sits in a drawer in one of my nightstands.
Of course I was sad and I gave pause in that moment. But I also tried to push aside my feelings so that I wouldn't completely fall apart while sitting in the hospital with this child. I rocked him and sang songs to him.
After I left, I wondered what my baby would have looked like, would have felt like in that sleeper. And then I realized that if my ex and I had been able to adopt those twins from Utah, they would have turned two-years-old this month. I could be the mother of two-year-old twins right now. What would we have already experienced together? What moments would I have treasured? What would we be doing right now? I pictured taking them outside and going to a park, going to the grocery store or holding their little hands. And it all just makes me so sad. The chance of motherhood seeming to have slipped past me.
And has it really been two years? That feels so long and far away. And then I feel like it is pitiful that I still have the sleepers. I have felt ready to pass them along for a while, or at least that is what I have told myself. I no longer feel like giving them away means giving away the dream of motherhood, either, which is good. I just haven't found a place that seems good enough to give away something so significant to me. I can't tell you how many times I have driven past the Good Will store or shook my head as I passed a donation drop off box. But, my most recent thoughts on the sleepers have been to maybe donate them to the hospital. I don't know, maybe.
It is time. I have held onto the sleepers for too long and I don't want to feel like they are holding me back. Before I do, I think I will write a letter. I need to have my good-bye and I think it will be good to write about what they had meant to me.
A few weeks ago, I was volunteering at the hospital and visiting with children who needed a little extra company. As I reached into the crib to pick up the infant, the blanket slipped a bit and I saw the stripped print of his sleeper. He was wearing the same sleeper that I had purchased for the babies I had once hoped to adopt with my ex. The same sleeper that still sits in a drawer in one of my nightstands.
Of course I was sad and I gave pause in that moment. But I also tried to push aside my feelings so that I wouldn't completely fall apart while sitting in the hospital with this child. I rocked him and sang songs to him.
After I left, I wondered what my baby would have looked like, would have felt like in that sleeper. And then I realized that if my ex and I had been able to adopt those twins from Utah, they would have turned two-years-old this month. I could be the mother of two-year-old twins right now. What would we have already experienced together? What moments would I have treasured? What would we be doing right now? I pictured taking them outside and going to a park, going to the grocery store or holding their little hands. And it all just makes me so sad. The chance of motherhood seeming to have slipped past me.
And has it really been two years? That feels so long and far away. And then I feel like it is pitiful that I still have the sleepers. I have felt ready to pass them along for a while, or at least that is what I have told myself. I no longer feel like giving them away means giving away the dream of motherhood, either, which is good. I just haven't found a place that seems good enough to give away something so significant to me. I can't tell you how many times I have driven past the Good Will store or shook my head as I passed a donation drop off box. But, my most recent thoughts on the sleepers have been to maybe donate them to the hospital. I don't know, maybe.
It is time. I have held onto the sleepers for too long and I don't want to feel like they are holding me back. Before I do, I think I will write a letter. I need to have my good-bye and I think it will be good to write about what they had meant to me.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
March Madness
So with the close of March coming, I may as well put it out there about the other significant event in the unfolding of my life, my divorce. March has not been an easy month for me. It has been weighing heavily on me and I am just trying to sort through it all.
March...when I was in college, it was the month that my former spouse proposed to me. I was totally, madly, deeply in love. One big chapter in my life was closing and there was so much new on the horizon. I had a bright future with adventure ahead and someone to share in the journey!
March...it was the month that my Great-Uncle Carl died. He was like a grandfather to me. I loved him so very much and admired him in the way he cared for his family, his generosity, and passing along stories of family history to connect the generations. He was an exemplary man of the Greatest Generation.
March...it was when we found out that we had about six weeks to find a house, find me a job, pack up, be in a wedding, and move to Atlanta for his job. It was a thrilling whirlwind. I was so sad to move so very far away from my family. But I was excited about the potential of living in some place new and so very different than what I had ever experienced before. It was an opportunity to be out on our own and away from our parents--a test of what we really could be.
March...it was when we decided to take a year for ourselves to sort things out after all of his education and job training. It was a time when we tossed around where we wanted to settle ourselves and started making plans to move closer to our families. We dreamed, we laughed, and we traveled. It was probably one of the best years of our marriage.
March...it was when we decided to start trying to have a baby. This was it, we were going to start a family and a big moment when it just felt right for both of us. We broke ground on our new house! It was all falling into place.
March...it was when he went away for four months on a business trip to help his company start up a new contract in Tulsa. It was also one year in with no baby. At this point, I thought there was something wrong on my end. I was feeling broken, a reject, and I hated my body. It was when I needed him the most. But I was going to be strong and support him and hold onto those trips when I could fly out and visit him. I felt like my life had been put on hold and I was just waiting and waiting and waiting. I was loosing myself.
March...it was two years in with no baby, but we had long stopped trying. He lied to me about breaking things off with the other woman when we were supposed to be trying to rebuild and reconnect. He served me with divorce papers after two months of separation. He said it was "just in case" because our state requires a cooling off period of three months before a divorce can become finalized. He didn't want to "waste my time" if it didn't work out. He was stringing me along and had checked out long ago. It took me time to realize he wasn't really trying anymore and had already started making plans for his life after me. I was just slowly coming to terms that it was really over. I held out for so long hoping that we could work it out, find some way to put it all back together again. I did everything that I could to save the relationship and I do not have any regret in that, no matter how painful or when so many would have walked away under the circumstances. I put it all out on the line, so there could be no regret that I didn't try it all.
March...it is now when most of the dust has settled in my very fast moving divorce. The papers were signed in the fall, but it takes time to sell a house, close out accounts, divide up your stuff, and sell the rest. There are just a few other things that need to be taken care of before the rest of what is agreed upon goes on auto pilot. I am tired and I am sad.
It was well said in a support group, that divorce is the tearing of your soul. It is a pain felt so deeply that it rips to your very core and shatters your identity as your whole world falls apart--with its impact far reaching. You loose so much more than just a marriage.
Time to pull up those boot straps and pick my chin back up. I just need a moment to catch my breath while I continue moving forward in my new life. I have to put my faith in God and thank Him for the love and support of my family and friends and the blessings in my life. In counting those blessings, it all adds up as I try to take it one day at a time.
March...it is now when I am going to let go of this great, heavy sadness and anger. It is too much to hold onto and it is time to let it be. Someone told me you mourn the loss of things that matter to you. There is a time to grieve and there is a time to move forward and back into the present. I've spent my time in mourning and it is time to be free.
March...when I was in college, it was the month that my former spouse proposed to me. I was totally, madly, deeply in love. One big chapter in my life was closing and there was so much new on the horizon. I had a bright future with adventure ahead and someone to share in the journey!
March...it was the month that my Great-Uncle Carl died. He was like a grandfather to me. I loved him so very much and admired him in the way he cared for his family, his generosity, and passing along stories of family history to connect the generations. He was an exemplary man of the Greatest Generation.
March...it was when we found out that we had about six weeks to find a house, find me a job, pack up, be in a wedding, and move to Atlanta for his job. It was a thrilling whirlwind. I was so sad to move so very far away from my family. But I was excited about the potential of living in some place new and so very different than what I had ever experienced before. It was an opportunity to be out on our own and away from our parents--a test of what we really could be.
March...it was when we decided to take a year for ourselves to sort things out after all of his education and job training. It was a time when we tossed around where we wanted to settle ourselves and started making plans to move closer to our families. We dreamed, we laughed, and we traveled. It was probably one of the best years of our marriage.
March...it was when we decided to start trying to have a baby. This was it, we were going to start a family and a big moment when it just felt right for both of us. We broke ground on our new house! It was all falling into place.
March...it was when he went away for four months on a business trip to help his company start up a new contract in Tulsa. It was also one year in with no baby. At this point, I thought there was something wrong on my end. I was feeling broken, a reject, and I hated my body. It was when I needed him the most. But I was going to be strong and support him and hold onto those trips when I could fly out and visit him. I felt like my life had been put on hold and I was just waiting and waiting and waiting. I was loosing myself.
March...it was two years in with no baby, but we had long stopped trying. He lied to me about breaking things off with the other woman when we were supposed to be trying to rebuild and reconnect. He served me with divorce papers after two months of separation. He said it was "just in case" because our state requires a cooling off period of three months before a divorce can become finalized. He didn't want to "waste my time" if it didn't work out. He was stringing me along and had checked out long ago. It took me time to realize he wasn't really trying anymore and had already started making plans for his life after me. I was just slowly coming to terms that it was really over. I held out for so long hoping that we could work it out, find some way to put it all back together again. I did everything that I could to save the relationship and I do not have any regret in that, no matter how painful or when so many would have walked away under the circumstances. I put it all out on the line, so there could be no regret that I didn't try it all.
March...it is now when most of the dust has settled in my very fast moving divorce. The papers were signed in the fall, but it takes time to sell a house, close out accounts, divide up your stuff, and sell the rest. There are just a few other things that need to be taken care of before the rest of what is agreed upon goes on auto pilot. I am tired and I am sad.
It was well said in a support group, that divorce is the tearing of your soul. It is a pain felt so deeply that it rips to your very core and shatters your identity as your whole world falls apart--with its impact far reaching. You loose so much more than just a marriage.
Time to pull up those boot straps and pick my chin back up. I just need a moment to catch my breath while I continue moving forward in my new life. I have to put my faith in God and thank Him for the love and support of my family and friends and the blessings in my life. In counting those blessings, it all adds up as I try to take it one day at a time.
March...it is now when I am going to let go of this great, heavy sadness and anger. It is too much to hold onto and it is time to let it be. Someone told me you mourn the loss of things that matter to you. There is a time to grieve and there is a time to move forward and back into the present. I've spent my time in mourning and it is time to be free.
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