As of Late

Some brief updates since my last post:

• Been focusing on my health to get my body in better shape, both for myself and when we want to be more actively trying for a child.  Being better about taking my vitamins and getting enough regular sleep.
• Had gotten back into building a more regular workout schedule with running and some biking.  I was making good use of my planner to map out my workout time for the week and recording it once it was complete.  My hope was to train for another half-marathon in the spring.
• However, much of the progress I made on my health goals came to a grinding halt when I got sick.  I was really sick!  I got a nasty upper respiratory virus that later turned into an ear infection.  It all lasted seven days (plus two trips to the doctor) until I actually started to feel a bit more normal.  I did a lot of nothing but rest and take in fluids.  On the eighth day I was well enough to return to work.  Tal commented that I was actually much more myself and I don't think it was until then that he fully realized how sick I was.  Fortunately, I only had to miss two days of actual work because of my rotating schedule.  Unfortunately, I was sick during my long weekend off and two other days off and had to work four straight when going back to work.
• Had a bit to catch up on at work the following week.  While it was just two days of actual work missed, I had a lot planned for those two days, plus emails and it being busy season at the hospital (peak of flu season).  So, I didn't really get back to exercise because I was letting myself get plenty of sleep while I was still recovering from being sick.
• Working on the house.  During late fall/ early winter, we painted the dining room and living room.  Took a break during the holidays.  After rebuilding some of the savings, we recently bought some new furniture and lamps.  I think it has been hard for me to really jump into more actively trying to have a child because I want to feel more settled in the house.  We hope to paint the kitchen in a few weeks.  And we are just about done unpacking the last bits from the move.  Our house is feeling more like a home.
• Enjoying time as a couple.  It is important for us to connect.  While having a child at our age is not preferred and time is ticking, I don't want to rush things to just check a box.  We need time for us and our relationship is a priority.  Without a solid relationship, it would be very challenging to raise a family.  So, we enjoyed restaurant week, went to a concert and talked about future plans.

So, moving forward, I plan on getting back to the gym, we've picked some dates for finishing up the painting and hopefully we can schedule delivery of our new furniture soon.  By spring we should feel much more settled in our house.  May have to pick a different race and scale back to a 10K, but it will feel good to reach a more attainable goal.  And we have to focus on our timeline for when we feel ready to take the next steps.  Time will tell if we may need to readjust our family building plan, but I'd rather take the time we need to build a solid foundation than to rush something that needs that foundation.

New Year, New Theme

For the past two years, instead of making a New Year's resolution, I've picked a theme with a corresponding quote.

In 2015, the theme was peace.  I felt the quote became something of a mantra and helped to center me.  Success!

In 2016, the theme was do, as in the opposite of procrastinate.  It was a big one to tackle.  Not sure how well I did there, I'd say mixed reviews.  However, I give myself credit for trying.  Small progress.

In 2017, my theme is health.

"Fall in love with taking care of yourself.  Mind.  Body.  Spirit." -- Unknown

So Many Variables

For much of January, I have been thinking and wondering and worrying...  Am I too old to have a baby of my own?  Are my eggs still good?  Is it selfish of me to want to have a biological child with T~?

And really what each of these questions should add is some form of "a healthy baby."  I am scared because the longer I wait, there is an increased chance there could be complications.  Usually, I am good about regular exercise and healthy eating.  However, my bigger concern is for the potential child.  I am nervous about possible health or developmental issues.  Sure lots of people have had healthy babies later in life.  Will that be me?  I would hope so.

But having been a teacher and now working in the medical field, I have seen more than my share of children with complicated medical or developmental needs.  It takes a lot of work.  And truth be told, I have had multiple parents who have expressed their guilt and confessed to me that they wondered if they had been selfish in having a child later in life.  They have wondered aloud if they brought on these troubles to their child...and stopping short of saying that maybe they should not have tried in the first place.  These are good people and I realize they are sharing these thoughts while under great distress.

Nevertheless, it gives me pause.  At what cost do you try?  Is the risk worth the benefit?  Who is the priority?  It is not all about you.  It is also about that future person you may bring into this world.  At what cost is it to them?  What are you maybe asking them to sacrifice?  Is it fair?

I know in some ways I am getting ahead of myself as T~ and I are still planning our wedding.  But, I can't help it.  I am feeling the pressure of time.  I want to make a responsible choice.  My thoughts waiver.  Should we try for a baby of our own?  Should we adopt?  Can I be happy without children and instead dedicate myself to my career by helping others?  Or should I focus my energies on the people in my extended family and friends?  Lots of questions and lots to think about.

When I start to feel overwhelmed by it, I focus on wedding planning and my life with T~.  It is much more fun.  :)

MRI Falling Apart?

"Getting old is hell, sweetheart."--Uncle Carl

That's what my great uncle would often say.  It was usually followed by a soft, knowing chuckle with a bit of honesty and humor.  But, he was always quick to point out that for which he was thankful, too.  It became harder over the years as he outlived so many in his lifetime.  However, my mind prefers to linger on the more resilient moments when Uncle Carl spoke those words.

Ugh.  Followed by meh.

The saga that is my shoulder injury from September continues.  Long story with an eventual MRI/MRA and plenty of deserved griping, but I'll skip all of that.  Good news is that I did not tear it nor have micro tears.  So, that means no surgery and a few weeks of physical therapy.  The bad news is that I have arthritis.  What?  How is that?  Well, apparently it has always been there but kind of quiet.  As the physician assistant put it, the injury awoken the bear.

Great.

Now that makes me feel old(er).  I am not exactly thrilled by this news.  He felt that the physical therapy should bring back range of motion and be mostly pain free.  He also did not seem too concerned about long-term treatment or who I should see next.  Seemed more like welcome to getting old(er).

I don't know how I feel about all of this, but it seems I'm fairly young to have this health issue.  I guess it will be more for me to look into for 2014.  I just want to be healthy and injury free for more than six months.  I am tired of feeling like my body is falling apart.  I'm certain there are worse things, but I'm concerned about the long-term effects and how to care for myself now so that I'm in better shape down the road, or less worse shape.  This is not helping the whole being healthy and young enough to have a baby.

But, the physician assistant said that after the physical therapy that I can take up running and yoga again, at least for a little while.  I am definitely going to be hoping for improved health in the coming year.

Bones Tell No Lie

I'm a clutz.  It is not uncommon for me to fumble and bumble around.  As a teacher, it was quite hazardous for me in my first grade classroom with all of the little furniture because I would frequently bump into the low desks and chairs.  My shins had just as many bruises as some of my kids at times.

A few weeks ago at work, I fell on the stairs and injured my foot and shoulder.  I seem to be healing slowly and had a recheck appointment today.  A PA saw me this time and asked how old I was.  He said he was surprised because he said that I looked much younger.  Then the PA decided an x-ray would be good to see how things were looking on the inside.  After it was completed, he asked me again about my age.  He said, "Wow, you look very good for 36, but your bones definitely look 36 showing the normal deterioration."

I always felt blessed in looking younger and being in pretty good shape.  But, I think it has been what I've held onto for hope that maybe my body seeming to be in extra good health could help me borrow a few years and maybe the stats wouldn't apply to me.  If my bones look 36 and are showing the signs of aging, what else is clearly 36?  Have I just been fooling myself into thinking I've got more time or better quality (you know, eggs)?  Have my healthy habits and healthy living been for naught?  Today I'm feeling a greater urgency to have a baby.  I'm tired of seeing all of the pregnant people at work.  They are everywhere!  Seriously, there have been like twelve.  I feel sad and don't want to miss my chance.  Today I feel like time and opportunity are slipping away.

And I feel horrible about it all because I should be enjoying the relationship I do have.  Patience and not wishing time away in the hopes for the next step and the next step and the next step can be difficult sometimes.  I don't want to be ungrateful.  I want to be happy and satisfied for what I do have.

Broken Foot

Meh...

So, it seems this was a work in progress, maybe.  I enjoy running.  It is one of my favorite ways to release stress because I usually get to be physically active and be outside while doing it.  Unfortunately, I started having pain in my foot around the end of April, beginning of May.  I just wanted to make it through the Cleveland Half-Marathon. 

Cleveland is my hometown and to have the opportunity to run in this race meant a lot.  I remember sometime in middle school and hearing about the race and thinking what fun it would be to run in the city.  When I found out how long the race was, I wasn't sure if that could be something I could do.  In grade school, I was often the smallest and slowest runner in my class.  If I was playing tag at recess, it was only a matter of time before I was "it."  That usually meant that I was "it" for the remainder of the time because I couldn't catch anyone.  After a while, others began to catch onto this pattern and found that it really wasn't fun to have me hopelessly chasing them around the playground.  So then, mercilessly, someone would eventually volunteer to be "it" so that the kids could resume running at full speed and I could try to catch my breath...praying that someone would not say the chant (I cannot remember) that makes it so that everyone has to leave base.

Needless to say, it wasn't until I was an adult that I discovered the joys of running.  I may not be fast, but I do enjoy it.  So, I think I weakened my foot and tried to give it a rest over the summer.  When I finally decided to go see my doctor about it, I got back into my car and my phone rang with the job offer for Orlando.  I had the x-rays done in Pittsburgh and they did not show anything.  During my moving into my new apartment, I tripped on a step and my foot just did not feel the same.  I think that was when it was officially pushed over the edge.  I had x-rays done and now the break was clearly visible.

Since September I have had a series of steps in trying to heal my foot.  I started with an air cast and a knee scooter.  The lady who completed the paperwork for me to rent the scooter at the store said something about, "Now that you are disabled..."  That did not go over well.  Me, disabled?  No.  I decided to make the most of it by installing a bicycle bell on it so at least I could bring some kind of humor to the situation.  With the hospital being so new, I was quickly recognized as the girl on the scooter.  At first, people thought it was a toy and part of my job as a Child Life Specialist.  "Oh, you Child Life Specialists have all the fun toys!  You are so fun...oh, wait.  What's that on your foot?  Oh, your foot's broken.  Sorry!"  I will say the scooter was better than crutches.  I could pick up some real speed on the straight aways.  Some people teased that I would get a speeding ticket.  Others would say that I would miss the scooter because I would be so much slower.  Not so much.  As much time as I could save with going fast in a hallway here and there, I spent more time backing up and going back and forth to maneuver in and out of doorways and tight spaces.  A time or two I got a little jammed and stuck trying to get out of the elevator that I felt like Austin Powers in the golf cart in the first movie.

Over time, I realized I was in a safe bubble at work and people were just used to it.  Granted it made for a lot of extra conversation and inquires of how I was healing.  But, it was well intended and I preferred to think of it as people cheering for me, even if it was somewhat tiresome having the same conversations about ten times per day.  I usually had my canned answers, but tried to say it with a smile.  Then it started happening at the Publix.  The people who worked at the store began to recognize me and would strike up conversations with me about my progress and giving me well wishes.  It was slightly invasive and I really didn't want to be drawing extra attention.  Again, I took it as more people sending me good vibes for healing.  Then, I went to the mall and there were a lot of people who openly stared at me.  It made me feel uncomfortable.  I suddenly appreciated my safe bubbles of work and the Publix.

I was also irked when people would ask me if I had a handicapped parking pass.  What?  No.  I am not disabled...even if technically temporarily...I did not identify myself that way.  It ticked me off when people would say that I should take full advantage of my situation with the parking thing or milking it for some other favor out of pity.  NO!  That was one reason why when there was one guy that I dated for a bit that I appreciated that he did not say those kind of things.  He joked with me as was my way of coping, but he did not treat me any differently.  And he was good at listening when I could be honest about my frustrations with it.  (More on him in another post.)

After about a month, I started to transition off of the scooter and try walking more with the air cast.  Sometimes it was strange and somewhat comforting when some people didn't even realize that I didn't have the scooter anymore because it had just become no big deal.  The transition was giving me some hope.  But, I still felt awkward and it was starting to wear on me.  I found myself not wanting to go out in public for longer stretches where I might need the scooter.  I was just so done with it and my mood was dark.  I was getting into a funk.  Being restricted in not being able to really exercise was not helping and starting to take its emotional toll.

Last week I was down graded to a "walking shoe," which looks like a sandal version of the walking cast.  At least now I can swim laps in the pool, as long as I don't push off the wall.  I went for a swim after an unseasonable cool spell.  It felt great and really helped my mood.  I look forward to doing more of it, as long as the weather cooperates.  Fortunately, the pool for laps in my neighborhood is heated.

Supposedly, I'm moving in the right direction.  As long as I can handle the progression to regular shoes and walking, I *might* get to try running in February.  But, what totally stinks is that after all of this, the pain could come back to my foot and all of this could be for nothing.  That is what I fear the most.

And as much as I am trying to stay positive, it is wearing on me.  I miss wearing matching socks and shoes.  I miss wearing my cute shoes.  I haven't even been able to wear my Florida shoes yet!  With the holidays coming and the New Year, I feel like I can't really get excited about dressing up all cute.  I don't feeling like wearing a cute dress and then this aweful velcro sandal.  Maybe I'll head to the beach for New Years.  It's a good place for a flip flop.

Before Mom's Surgery

I am trying to keep a positive and hopeful mindset before Mom's surgery. But I am also very scared, too. I am afraid that something terrible could happen and I just don't know how I would cope if something bad happened. I try to stop that thought and then shift to envisioning better things. I don't want to skip over my feelings of fear and bury them to only get worse. But I am afraid of bringing on something terrible by focusing on them.

Too much going on right now and I have to finish my paper, soon! Bleh, selfish me. But maybe pooring myself into my work is a way of coping, even if avoidance or denial is not the best way. I just pray my mom will be okay and recover as quickly as possible.

Bad News

Why is it that with really bad news that I am always really caught off guard? I just found it so silly when my dad called me this morning and just said he was on his way to come and visit. Yesterday Mom said he would call and just see if I was still up for it. But I was eager for him to come, even though I really wanted them both to be here. I was hoping to set up a time for them both to come as I have been feeling a little frustrated that Mom seems to be working so much lately. But now I know.

When Dad first told me about it, I was in shock. Breast cancer was the farthest thing from my mind, especially given all of her other health problems. My first thought was, "Please, God, don't let my mom die."

Dad says it is very treatable and that the doctors consider it to be more like living with a chronic illness. They said it is important to remain positive. I just don't know how to do that right now. I dread my mom having to undergo possible surgery, chemo and radiation. I don't want her to suffer or to be in pain and it is inevitable.

It's not fair. Mom is supposed to do her clinicals this year to get her LPN degree. That looks like it is going to be completely off the table, whether Mom wants to accept that right now or not. She and Dad have seemed to have a stronger and healthier relationship than they have in years. This is going to add a lot of stress on them and their relationship. It makes me feel so very sad and scared. I don't know what to do to help. I don't want my mom to die. I want to be stubborn and not think that that will happen. But I also don't want to see her loose a breast or her hair. She shouldn't have to go through that. And it sucks because it may have been prompted to come about faster because of the Embrel--a drug that had brought her so much relief from her psoriasis. I don't want that to get all out of control now either. It just really, really sucks.

And then there is that selfish part of me--the part that thinks about myself. This is not a good time for me with all that is going on in my life. It is all just another thing that is sucking away my focus on what I need to be doing. I am angry because I want to be there to support my mom, while I am freaked out about how I am going to be able to manage it all.

I wonder what other crappy thing is out there waiting for me with that superstitious everything comes in three's. I found out my ex got remarried, my mom has cancer, and I don't want to stomach what will be next. When and where is that moment of peace? I think that is why I miss last summer so much. And there was another piece of it somewhere around the first of December.

I Broke My Finger

Yep, I broke my finger and I am not happy about it. I have always prided myself on not having broken any bones or needing stitches or fillings in my teeth. When the LPN told me that it is one of those days that everyone is breaking things, I said with surprise, "Really?" And then I realized he was including me--and my heart sank and I wanted to cry. Crap!

Well, it happened during pre-game warm-up with my co-ed football team. I've played the female QB (yes, I have an arm and I can throw a tight spiral). I thought I jammed it while catching the ball with some tossing around before the game. I still played not realizing it was broken, but had a feeling something was just not right. Fortunately, it is not a finger on my throwing hand or my dominate hand. But this really sucks! It was our first game and I will probably be out for the season. And I might not be able to play kickball or possibly run in the half-marathon! I have an appointment with the specialist tomorrow and will find out more. But I am so upset because I had a lot of fun plans for the spring.

So as I was sitting in the ER, I asked the doctor how long it would take to recover. He laughed because I was trying to negotiate to what extent I can continue my physical recreation activities. Then I was feeling overwhelmed by all of the other implications of my injury...papers to type, not getting it wet in the shower, what will be covered under my health insurance, how many more doctor visits I will have to have, how running evens out my beer consumption calorie in-take, how I will be able to blow dry my hair...you know, the important stuff. That is when the tears came and I felt silly because it is a finger, but it is my finger. And I suddenly felt very small and lonely and I realized I could really use a hug. But there was no one there to do that for me. My family is about two hours away. And I didn't feel like I could call one of my friends here to meet me at the hospital to give me a hug at 11:30 pm on a work night. I was all by myself and I was scared. The LPN told me it could be far worse, which is very true. That is a good perspective, but I needed to let myself feel a little sad and not skip over those feelings.

I texted a few people, but it was not the same as a hug. But I will be thankful for that!