Christmas Cards

There is something about sending and receiving Christmas cards that warms the heart.  I think it is the thought of someone thinking about you.  And I get a little reminiscent and reflect of fond, fun memories of that person, whether writing the card or receiving it.

When I go home at Christmas time, my mom will invite me to look through their card pile.  Sometimes there are pictures or a little note.  Then I usually help my mom to tape them up on the inside of the front door.  It is one way to add to the decorations.

As I was perusing the cards this year, one particular card had a note that did not sit well with me.  Most of the cards were from people that I know, but this one I did not.  There was a question asking if my parents were grandparents yet.  And they continued by saying that having grandchildren is the best thing ever!  It ticked me off.  My first thought was that they must not really know my parents that well.  It felt like salt in the wound, maybe more for my mom and dad.  I felt protective of them and wanted to rip up the card.  But, it was not my card.  So, I put it back in its envelope and did not say anything to my mom.

About a month before that while talking on the phone with my mom, I asked her if she and my dad were disappointed or sad that they weren't grandparents.  My mom quickly and simply said no.  She said no and not to worry about it.  I try not to worry, but the guilt is still there.

Maybe the hopeful comment was more a reflection that if my parents were grandparents, they would be loving, caring ones.

Elephant in the Room

Before I started my blog, I found support for IF through a Baby Center forum group.  Each of the ladies that I met there has been successful in expanding their families, which I am sincerely happy for them.  Several of the ladies have even been fortunate to have more than one child.  Overtime as families started to grow, people transitioned away from the forum.  But, many have maintained a connection through Facebook.  It brings me joy to see them happy with their children.  They glow in their love for their children and families.  You can tell from their posts that they are very grateful and do not take for granted their blessings.  Life carries on and life brings challenges, but they handle it with strength and grace.

However, with being in different places in our lives, there has grown some distance.  It is natural to happen.  It is the ebb and flow of time and where we are in life.  But, it can be very lonely being the last of the group without a child.  When the last person had their baby a few years ago, I felt very sad and even jealous and angry at times.  I didn't write about it then because I did not feel like openly having a pitty party for me.  There may have been an entry that had a sentence or two that referenced it.  I edited it out because I did not want to hurt anyone's feelings or push them away.  But, the distance continued to expand either way.  I'm sure there are many reasons.  Sometimes people just have to move on to do their healing from IF.  Priorities obviously and rightfully shift.  There is more common ground with those who are also in the life stage of raising children.

As much as I don't want it to, it hurts.  Sometimes it is more and sometimes it is less.  More often than not, it is less now, but it has taken time.  Then I wonder, when will be the day when everyone is done growing their families?  Will I still be without a child?  Has that day already come to pass?  That will not really be known for quite sometime.  It will just silently happen and only to be determined by looking back to see when it was.

At least I feel like I am in a better place of acceptance now than when I first realized I was the last of the group without child.  And I have found other blogs to read, some parenting after IF, some trying to grow their families and some that are childfree.  Always new people to meet along the way.  Just not sure which way it will be for me.

Healthy Hope and A Choice for a Childfull Life

While scrolling through Facebook, I saw a piece that caught my eye from mindbodygreen.com.  It comes from the perspective of a life that once dreamed of having a child, but it did not come to be for the author.  She shares her insights and learning from a living a life without children.

My IVF Treatments Failed.  Here's What I Wish Others Struggling With Infertility Knew.   By Justine Brooks Froelker

I appreciate that she is another voice who shares the side of the story of when a person is not able to have a child of their own.  What happens?  How does the person move forward?

Some of what she says echoes what others have expressed.  Although, hearing those sentiments repeated is validating.  She talks about breaking the silence, being careful not to compare your journey to others, respecting our individual limits and being more than trying to have a baby.  These seem to be good things to keep in mind however your IF journey unfolds, baby or not.

Then the author takes it to the next step, the space where there is no baby.  Below are a few quotes I really liked.


"For us, healthy hope has meant redefining our dream of family, accepting that we will never have children, and yet doing the work to always have children in our lives."


"For us, this is in living a childfull life and finding ways to parent in honor of our babies who we don't get to hold."


"When we give ourselves permission to feel it all, at the same time, we can find our clarity again.  In the complicated gray of life, we can awaken to life in color again."



It takes time to figure out how to live without a child in your family in the way you had once hoped and imagined.  It takes time to sort through the feelings and knowing you will not ever be done feeling them all, but finding a way to dream new dreams and deciding how to fold children into your life, how to make room to experience motherhood or parenthood a bit differently.  And maybe for me it has been a bit awkward at times, but I'm trying to figure it out.  T~ and I are still near the beginning of our life as a couple.  While we are newlyweds, we have been together for three years and have had several conversations about children and family.  We still have hope, but we are realistic in knowing that time is limited.  This part of our story is still playing out.  But, it is up to us in how we decide to live while in this space of between.

To Plan or Not To Plan

This week, a blog post by The Polka-Dot Umbrella really resonated with me.  It was titled Where Making Plans and Infertility Intersect.  The author was able to put into words things that I have had related thoughts.

She talks about the emotional pain of infertility and the difficulty of helping others to understand.  But she also experiences a breakthrough with her cousin because they are able to stick with the conversation to get to the meat of understanding what the other is asking and trying to express.  It is a moment of the joining of two minds for deeper clarity and understanding.

She also talks about the difficult struggle of work-life balance when the life part is also trying to balance maybe baby and living the life you have now.  It is a lot to juggle.  You want a career and a child.  You don't want to feel like you have to pick one.  It is hard to just pick baby at the cost of your career if baby never comes.

The part that spoke most to me was after sometime, "you stop making plans.  You stop putting your life on hold for something that may never happen."  For me, I am trying very hard to live the life I have now.  I don't want to miss out on what is going on around me for something that may not come to be.  But, what makes it so hard to let go is the fear that if I "stop" hoping for a child, then it will just not ever happen...that somehow I must not have wanted it badly enough.

The logical part of my brain knows this is not true.  But, my heart struggles.  It wants to hope a hope that is real and full, but not so loudly that it drowns out all else around it.  Just because I want to temper this hope or place it on a temporary shelf doesn't mean the I want it any less.  My life just needs to be more than.

Fix You

Somewhere along the way this past year or so, someone said something about God that really spoke to me.  It seemed to click with a peaceful acceptance.  I have always believed that things happen for a reason.  But then someone took it a step further.  They said that God presents us with challenges for one of three reasons.  He is trying to help you to grow.  He is using you to help someone else to grow.  Or, He is moving you out of harm's way.

I like that.

So when I am feeling like I am in an emotional place of betweens, I find it helpful to listen to Coldplay's Fix You.  It is just the right balance of releasing sadness and turning towards hope.  It allows me to grieve and honor what was lost--a dream, something that showed promise or a change in direction.  Sometimes it is a person, a place or a plan.  But by listening to the music, it helps me to let go.  That is not easy for me.  I want to hold on tight.  I want to hold it all and stay in that moment.  But, that is life.  Life is change.

This is also a song I play for myself when I feel close to being afraid--just near that space before the tipping point, the anticipation of change and that somehow life will soon be significantly different.  Again, it is change and sometimes laced with fear.  But then I will listen to the song and it helps to bring me past all of those mixed up feelings.  And as the tempo rises and the music becomes more bold, I feel as though I can get through it, get beyond it and there is hope.  Sometimes I can imagine myself running in the brisk, cool air while building my speed to a sprint at the end of a great run.  It is a sense of soaring wrapped in determination and confidence.

The theme of returning home reminds me of a safe place, a place of roots and grounding where I am always loved.  It reminds me of my family and their unconditional love, supportive friends embracing joy and giving it up to God.  Letting Him fix you.

The Betweens

My blog is in a state of flux.  Sometimes I question if I have more to write, but then a post comes to mind and it goes on the page.  It sometimes feels like a trickle.  It is not so much that I am dealing with immediate IF issues.  I have used this space to process and grieve what once was my battle with IF.  Now it feels like I am grappling with the left over reverberation, such as how this has all impacted my parents and family.  They have been marked and hurt by the process and sometimes hurt for me in what could have been.  It is sometimes unspoken and more with a knowing sigh or glance.  Pandora's box has been opened and there is no going back to how it was before IF invaded our lives.  It has left a hole and there is no undoing of that want and dream of a child my own.  That chapter in my life has closed and the loss is still felt.

But, there are new chapters yet to be written and a child could still be a possibility.  There is a chance that a new dream of a new child could be born.  However, until that time, I am in a space of in between where I must find a way to live in the present.

And it is in this space of in between that I am trying to find peace and happiness and freedom.

So, where do I look for support?  It is a really, really small niche in the IF community.  As of yet, I have only really found two other blogs where a person was once married and dealing with IF and got divorced and were still of an age to be able to conceive a child potentially.  One stopped her blog shortly thereafter and the other remarried, but then her life quickly took a turn as she faced breast cancer.  This second blog has been very validating for me in a retrospective kind of way before the writer learned of her illness.  And she continues to be inspiring in framing what is most important in life.  Her situation made her have to get off the IF roller coaster.  Then how she documented her journey put things in a different perspective.  Her blog also helped me through my mom's treatments for breast cancer as the blogger was a few steps ahead of my mom in her treatments and it kind of prepared me for what was next.  lt helped me to focus on my current blessings and helped me find clarity in prioritizing what I want in my life.

So, I continue to look for ways to help me deal with the current childlessness in my life because if I do not, I may get stuck in my sadness and grief.  I need to find a way to live my life now and be happy.  The places I find myself more so lately are the blogs of those living childfree.  Perhaps there is something for me to learn from them to help me manage during this chapter in my life.  It is not that I am giving up hope on having a child, just trying to find a way to peaceably live until it may be time to dream that dream.

November Guys

Another picture text came my way from my Mom and it was bitter sweet.  I know it is my family's way of including me, especially living further away and not getting to be part of family gatherings.  And I hate to admit it and it is one reason why it has taken me so long to write about it.  It stings and hurts on multiple levels.  I wish it wasn't so.  I really do.  I think I was trying not to let it bother me.  But the harder I try, the more it creeps back and hurts more.

One of my godsons celebrated his birthday in November.  It is also the same month of my Dad's birthday.  Little J~ is a guy's guy and loves being around his male relatives.  My mom gets a kick out of how much he enjoys my dad and buddies up with him.  In the picture, Little J~ was sitting on my Dad's lap playing an arcade game at Chuck E. Cheese.  My first thought was, how sweet.  Which, I guess is an improvement.  But, it was quickly followed by a piercing sadness.

Then my dad sent a picture text of Big J~ and Little J~ where they both had enormous grins.  It is a rare sight with my cousin because he is such a serious guy and his little boy doesn't fall far from the tree on that one.  That picture made me smile.  It wasn't as hard.  And I was happy for them, more wholly in that moment.

I continue to get better at seeing people in pictures with their children.  But it was hard to see one with Little J~ with my dad.  I want so much for that little boy to be my son sitting on my dad's lap.  I want to be the one to bring my parents joy with grandchildren.  Durring times like these, I briefly ask myself, why can't that be me?

It also doesn't seem to be getting any easier because as my parents get older, it is just another reminder that time is limited.  My mom recently shared that my dad is thinking about retiring next year.  I don't want him to retire.  It just really means he is getting older and I don't want to accept that.  It just doesn't seem fair.  But life is not fair as it keeps painfully reminding me.

All of this probably sounds selfish, but I cannot entirely help it.  I try to rise above.  But sometimes you have to admit those ugly feelings to yourself.  Otherwise, they just eat you up and that is not good.  I guess it goes back to the idea that feelings are not bad, it is what you do with them.  So, I keep it to myself.  And I remind myself to be thankful that my parents get to have these kinds of experiences.  And it is good for my cousin and my godson because Big J~'s parents each passed away awhile ago and never met there grandchildren.  It is a blessing for all to be there for each other to give support and share their love in other ways that cannot be.

Meaning Making

There was an article I read a bit ago that my sister posted on fb, but it has since dropped from her timeline and I do not remember the name of it.  It was talking about some research that was done about how people find happiness in their lives.  The article described three ways that people draw happiness into their lives.

• Participating in activities that bring a person pleasure.  It is indulgent on the senses.
• Spending time with family and friends in ways that cultivate healthy, positive relationships that are fulfilling.  It is about quality social engagement.
• Engaging in work that is satisfying and meaningful and contributes to something larger than themselves as an individual.  This may be through work or volunteering in the community.

The article explained that the first one seemed more surface and that the second two seemed to garner greater depth of happiness.  That seems to make sense.  It easily falls in line with the theories about external and internal motivation and how internal motivation is more powerful.  But, it also doesn't mean that there is only one way to embrace happiness in life. There are multiple sources and it may be good to have a mix of them, too.  But, I also think about what is within your control.  If one of these options is less within your control, it could become a source of frustration.  Maybe when things get out of control, then it may be time to take a healthy step back and seek happiness with one of the other avenues.  A person may be drawn more to one of these sources to experience happiness, but a person does not to have to confine themselves to only one way.  It may be healthy to stretch oneself to experience pleasure from something that may be slightly away from the usual source of comfort.

I've been thinking a lot about my personal happiness and desire to make meaning with my life.  It's back to legacy building and I want my life and my time here to have meant something.  I'm not sure if I will have the opportunity to have a child, so I search for something else in which to pour my heart and soul.  Just in case motherhood does not happen for me, I feel compelled to do something with myself in the mean time, just in case.

It has been five years this month when everything came crashing down around me.  The mess was well within the works, but it was in the fall just before Halloween that the surreal became my harsh, cruel reality.  Five years of rebuilding...going back to school, juggling several part-time jobs, searching for a new job, moving many times to make a new home for myself, rebuilding a support network, making new friends, saying good-bye to some, trying to keep in touch with others as our lives take separate paths, taking risks, living more aware and freely, landing my first full-time job in my new career, getting that first year under my belt, learning to love again, getting my heart broken, trying to be more in the moment, learning to trust myself, relearning to trust others, taking that risk in love yet again, and refocusing on the now and the blessings I have and not what was or wished to be.  It has been a long time and in many ways I continue on the journey of rebuilding, but I will never have what I once had...both a loss and a gift.

My point is that I have been in almost a survival mode that tries to find some semblance of balance in living...to appreciate the little things and the wonderfully big blessings.  I have grown tired and I long for a break or breakthrough.  In some ways, I want all of these efforts in rebuilding to mean something.  I know myself and I take great pride in my work.  It is more than just a job for me.  But, I need balance, too.  My work cannot be my everything because only so much is in your control and I do not want to depend on someone else for my happiness.  So, now I try to temper my efforts at work and awaken the other paths to happiness...through relationship and pleasure.  I've focused so much on the work part, it can be difficult to take that much needed step back.

I have to give myself permission to be more than...

Bones Tell No Lie

I'm a clutz.  It is not uncommon for me to fumble and bumble around.  As a teacher, it was quite hazardous for me in my first grade classroom with all of the little furniture because I would frequently bump into the low desks and chairs.  My shins had just as many bruises as some of my kids at times.

A few weeks ago at work, I fell on the stairs and injured my foot and shoulder.  I seem to be healing slowly and had a recheck appointment today.  A PA saw me this time and asked how old I was.  He said he was surprised because he said that I looked much younger.  Then the PA decided an x-ray would be good to see how things were looking on the inside.  After it was completed, he asked me again about my age.  He said, "Wow, you look very good for 36, but your bones definitely look 36 showing the normal deterioration."

I always felt blessed in looking younger and being in pretty good shape.  But, I think it has been what I've held onto for hope that maybe my body seeming to be in extra good health could help me borrow a few years and maybe the stats wouldn't apply to me.  If my bones look 36 and are showing the signs of aging, what else is clearly 36?  Have I just been fooling myself into thinking I've got more time or better quality (you know, eggs)?  Have my healthy habits and healthy living been for naught?  Today I'm feeling a greater urgency to have a baby.  I'm tired of seeing all of the pregnant people at work.  They are everywhere!  Seriously, there have been like twelve.  I feel sad and don't want to miss my chance.  Today I feel like time and opportunity are slipping away.

And I feel horrible about it all because I should be enjoying the relationship I do have.  Patience and not wishing time away in the hopes for the next step and the next step and the next step can be difficult sometimes.  I don't want to be ungrateful.  I want to be happy and satisfied for what I do have.

Oh, Who Am I Kidding!

Oh, alright!  So, yes, it does feel like I am settling into a new phase of my life.  Or as referenced in a previous post, that not only does it feel like I am entering a new chapter, but that it is a new part of the story.  It's like the kind of book that reads over a lifetime and it is not only broken down in chapters, but collections of chapters in parts.  That's where I am.

"Maybe Part II is about shoring up my new career, finding work/life balance, living as a single (at the moment), childless (for now) lady, and cultivating the relationships of friends, family and romantic partner with a sensitivity to balance."

However, as much as I would like IF to be out of the picture.  It is not.  It may not be front and center, but it will always be part of me.  And while my blog may focus on more my life and its current status, the IF thing may still pop up from time to time because I will come across things that will bring me pause and come back to it. 

I think my reassessment post was about putting more distance between IF and my current self.  I am also trying to give myself the space to let go and just be me...live with what I have right now in the moment.  Children are not part of this moment, at least in the traditional sense.  I liken what I am experiencing to almost like being on a break, or at least in a sort of parallel way like some of those who experience IF when they "stop trying" for a period of time...whether by choice or not.  Biologically I can most likely still have a child, but I am not in a relationship or place in my life where I am actively trying.  So, that seems to put me in the childless category-ish.  But, that could change depending on how my life unfolds in the next few years.  So, it is not like I am completely letting go of the dream of motherhood. 

In the mean time, for my own sanity and to help myself from feeling like my life is completely on hold, I need to let go and accept my life and where it is right now.  It is a healthy thing.  It is mental shift away from feeling like I am sitting on the sidelines of life.  I am trying to appreciate what I do have in my life in the moment...a really good job, a new home in Florida, boyfriend and family & friends who love me. 

IF, motherhood and babies are falling away to the side.  In many ways it is freeing.  The focus is on me and not what I wish I had.  The dream is not forgotten, but stored away for maybe another time if that space opens up.  That pressure is diminishing.  And it gives me more mental room to enjoy my current priorities.  Not everyone's life is about children.  Children and families are important, but not more important than a childless person's happiness or big events.  As a wise friend said, happy is what you make of it.

Clues of Moving On

To help me validate the closure and end space between me and my most recent significant past relationship:

• Find myself sleeping in the middle of my bed.
• Feeling less angry and frustrated with it ending.  Moving towards acceptance.
• Having no interest in lurking on his fb page.
• Fewer instances of seeing things that remind me of him.  (Moving certainly helped.  But surprisingly, initially there was more around than I thought that reminded me of him.)
• Wanting to purge and clean out my closet.  I kind of started that before the move, but still find myself doing that a bit more.  It's kind of like shedding an old skin or old self.
• Reflecting on what I learned from the relationship.  Appreciating what was good about it and what I can apply going forward.
• Find myself shopping and eyeing up cute dresses and tops with thoughts of, "That would be cute for a date."  I'm kind of in a reinventing phase.
• Going on dates.  :)
• Adding more music to my current collection.  Always looking for good music, but it tends to increase when I'm looking for some good pick me ups to get pumped about the next adventure.
• Looking to do something new with my hair.  I trimmed my bangs a little different and I have been trying to grow it out a little more.  I'm thinking the new bangs go better with the length that I would like to grow it.
• Noticing men and picking up more on the vibe when there might be a little something there worth investigating.
• Going on a date and not comparing him to what I had with RJ.
• Feeling more free and excited to explore my new home and people around me.
• Being fully in the moment with a man and noticing and enjoying what is special about him.
• Seeking connection, engagement and satisfaction in my work, play and daily activities.
• Allowing myself to dream, considering new possibilities and itching to travel.
• Generally feeling happier and at peace within myself.

Yay, me!  Stay positive, build confidence and feel the strength within myself.  Let my true self shine and see what comes my way.

The Space Between 35 and 42

Lately...I've been thinking about what it means to be turning 35 and searching for some kind of grounding in where I am in life, or rather trying to make a space to be comfortable in accepting and celebrating this new chapter in my life. 

I find it difficult to find the balance of being happy with being a single, childless woman with a challenging, fulfilling career path and not becoming consumed with wanting to be a mother that I lose sight of the wonderful I have in my life in the present.  I do not want to have those thoughts of hoped motherhood looming in my mind that I miss out on capturing and living in the moment now.

To lay this out now--I want to be in a committed, loving relationship, which I see as being married, to a man whom I want to spend the rest of my life.  And a child is a blessing and an experience that I want and hope to share with someone together.  A baby is not a requirement for happiness or satisfaction in that hoped life.  I am looking for someone who is open to the possibility and desire to have children.  I feel confident that I will find that man--someday sooner rather than later, I hope.  Part of my fear is that I will not find him before the window closes...before my physical body says no more, even if my heart still says yes.

What's with 42?  Well, that seems to be the number that keeps popping up in my mind of when I think the window may close for me.  It used to be 38, but I've expanded it.  It could be longer and could change, I don't know.  I would hope that my kid would graduate high school before I reached retirement age.  That could push it to 46.  But, 46 seems so old to be pregnant for the first time.  Forty-two seems to hedge on the possibility that there could still be some good eggs in there and that I could physically handle it, maybe.  Forty-two seems more friendly to defy the odds in some weird way.  I don't know.  Totally know it is not a rational thought process, but there it is--the current barometer on my inner timeline.

And please do not throw out the instant band-aid, "You can always adopt!"  I started down that road once before and I know it is not that simple.  I've already had a touch of that feeling like a pound puppy and feeling judged by others to decide if I'm good enough to be a mother.  I don't even want to get into the manipulation of some that make you feel guilty that you question your level of comfort in how much you are willing to take on in caring for a child that may be atypical in health or development, among other factors.  It is not just a decision about you, there is also a great deal of thought of how it may impact the child.  It is not an easy process and it becomes more complicated the older that you get because young parents are so desired.  It is not to say that it doesn't happen; it thankfully and rightfully does.  I may be open to adoption in the future, but there are so many factors that go into that decision process.  Again, it needs to be inclusive of what is best for me and my hoped partner.

So yes, I do feel there is plenty of time to meet and connect with the man who I dream of sharing a life.  There is a larger and more generous timeline for that to happen.  What is not so forgiving is the time that my body has left to have a baby of my own--my own flesh and blood--my eyes, my hair or my freckles--my love of books, my playful spirit or my feeling at home with nature, art and football.  And all of those kinds of things found in my partner, but mushed in combination with me into one little being.

Part of me feels that if I become too comfortable and caught up in this single life that I may accidentally push away the chance of being a mother.  It's like if I "forget" about it, it may not happen.  Will the universe forget that dream deep within me?  If by living in the moment and not constantly hoping for a child, will the higher power think that having a child is no longer important to me?

Part of me worries that if I keep worrying about it not happening, that it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy and will not happen.  I am afraid of the disappointment that may not come.  I want to be hopeful and believe.  But, what if I am setting myself up for more heartache if it doesn't happen?

I feel caught between quietly hoping, but not hoping too much or not enough, and keeping the fears at bay of it not happening, or worse hoping and believing and it not happening and then being crushed.  I know this is the worst constructed sentence ever.  But, I don't know how else to write all of what I am feeling at the same time.  My thoughts and feelings on motherhood for myself all are a jumbled blob, just like that sentence.  My chest feels tight and the tears silently roll down my cheeks wrapping my brain around all of my thoughts and feelings.

And somehow I have to release the fears, find the courage to believe and get back to living my life as it is in the present--not just getting by, but living a full, happy and content life now.  I know that responsibility resides in me; it is just remembering to do it.  Perhaps focusing on being thankful for what I do have will help me to seize the most that life has to offer me.

As a good friend said to me a few years ago...when one door closes, another one opens.  Maybe all of what I have been through is to make room for something more than I could ever imagine.  After A~, I felt I found that with RJ, but it did not last.  So, I hold onto hope that there is something even better and that my time will not run out.

Today WAS Better

I know my last post was down right depressing.  It was raw and felt so good once I hit publish.  Sometimes I think the anticipation of something can be almost worse than the actual thing.  I had been trying so hard not to let myself get so upset, to not go near what I was really thinking and to try to be brave.  Sometimes I am just so tired of feeling all of those feelings or knowing that they are just waiting to spill over.

But, today was a better day.  I had a presentation to give this afternoon at work (my very first!), so I think that helped to focus my mind elsewhere and keep me distracted.  And when I was done, it felt really good.  I was proud of myself.  After I thanked the group for participating and sharing their stories, they sang happy birthday to me.

It was a good day because I got to enjoy the extra pumpkin chip cookies that I made for my presentation.  Yesterday, a new friend made me birthday dinner.  I was surrounded with love from family and friends with birthday wishes with cards, texts, facebook messages and phone calls.  My mom sent me a birthday present in the mail with my usual and favorite birthday gift--a new fall sweater (a light one since I am in Florida now).  I am blessed to have so many people who care about me and want good things for me in my life.  And my heart is with them, too, wanting nothing but the very best for them.

I know this post is cheesy.  But sometimes it is important to recognize the good--especially when you are more ready to embrace it again.  Hopefully, each day gets better.

Falling From Cloud Nine

My life is changing at warp speed and I barely have time to process it all.  I feel like I am treading water in a river of rapids--trying to stay afloat while paying attention to all of what is happening around me.  The damn has broken.  All of my efforts to transform my life are quickly falling into place.  But before I share those details that are in the progress of taking shape, I need to take a step back and reflect.

A few weeks ago, I was approaching that old familiar, uncomfortable territory of change.  My post-graduate summer internship with a non-profit organization was coming to an end, and I was preparing to return to my part-time behavioral health position.  My hope was to keep my old job with minimal commitment until the end of the summer in the hopes that one of my recent interviews would result in a more permanent full-time position.  I felt like my life was up in the air, and I was very frustrated that eight months of job searching had not yielded my desired result.  I kept reminding myself not to give up hope and trust that things would just work themselves out, just as they have in the my recent past.  For the past six years, I feel I have continued to cycle back to a place of total uncertainty and nearing the breaking point when suddenly something popped into the picture at just the right time.  So, I was at this place yet again while being accompanied by additional raised emotional turmoil.  I recognized these feelings of distress and I was waiting for myself to become aware of the root cause.  Sometimes it is awoken by a sensation, a song or an epiphany.  This time it was a moment strolling down a sidewalk.

My parents, sister and her boyfriend were in town visiting me.  We enjoyed some of the art scene, downtown and paths along the river.  My family wanted to enjoy some good Italian food, after all I have been living in Pittsburgh's Little Italy.  The restaurant I figured that would be most reasonably priced while also having great food also happens to have a bar that my ex-boyfriend frequents.  I was hesitant and I had not stepped inside the establishment since the break-up.  But my family really wanted to go.  There are two doors, one in the front and one on the side.  So, I figured we could use the side entrance and if he was there, he would be in the front and probably would hardly notice each other.  What were the chances?  Strangely, we had not run into each other living a few blocks apart for nearly seven months.

So, who did I see walking up the sidewalk at the exact same time as me?  RJ.  He was about to turn to enter the front entrance and I was about to step in the side door.  Had either one left seconds earlier or later, we would not have met at that moment.  All of the other scenarios that could have prevented this moment ran through my head.  If only...if only we went there first instead of the beer emporium, if only I kept my shoes on when running back into the house, if only I had not paused to run back to recheck that I had locked my back door...if only.  Really?  Really?  Did I really have to run into him at that exact moment?  This is precisely what I had been avoiding because I didn't know how I would react or feel.

I felt like time and movement slowed as the air in my lungs seemed nonexistent.  Then quickly, I became aware and took a deep breath.  He seemed to experience similar surprise, shot a hand up and waved from a distance.  I  waved back.  And as time seemed to resume to life speed, we continued along our separate paths into the restaurant.  It all happened within seconds, but seamless.

Later, I saw a text from RJ.  He said he was sorry because he wasn't sure how to handle the situation.  He wanted to say hello, but also did not want to make an awkward scene.  I texted saying I wasn't sure what to do either.  I felt his wave was appropriate and if he had come to say hello, that would have been fine.

The day after an encounter with RJ usually results in unsettling feelings, like aftershocks from an earthquake.  It is because it hurts to see him knowing that he doesn't want me in his life in the way I had once hoped.  While on some distant levels I miss him, I've done a lot to move forward.  I have accepted that we are not to be together and it is best to move on.  I realized that all of the recent inner turmoil was the emotional work of letting go of the dreams I had with him.  The loss is the hope of moving into a house together like we started to talk about before I left for my summer internship in Columbus last year.  The loss is the hope of marrying RJ.  He was a man that I loved so deeply after all that I had been through with my ex-husband.  It was an experience that was almost unimmaginable, but it felt so right.  Where did it all go?  And had life continued along that other dreamed road, at this point this summer we would have been in that house, free from my grad school commitments to have more freedom in our life choices and planning our next adventure.

It is a double-edge sword.  The losses are sad.  I do not want a relationship with RJ anymore.  But from previous experience, this experience of the loss of the dream just means that I am almost at the end.  It is the last major hurdle in processing the end of our relationship.  And soon I will be more free, more complete and capable of deciding if I am ready to give of my heart again.  The strength is rebuilding and I am on my way.

A few more songs.  However, I've never really been one to say that I'll close myself off to love.  But I will be stronger and hopefully smarter.

Of course, that is not the end of the story as life is not stagnet and continues to roll along.  About a week later, RJ and I were talking on the phone about an unrelated matter.  He brought up the chance meeting and shared that he was bothered about if he handled things well for several days after.  What does it mean?  So, I'm not the only one who feels those residual ripples.  I guess what I take from it is that what RJ and I shared was special and meaningful.  It is a very different experience from my prior long-term relationship in that at least RJ values the time we spent together to some degree and that he respects me as a person in some way.  It has softened my heart in understanding how some people may actually be able to have reasonable conversations or friendships after the romantic relationship has ended.

A Healthy Amount of Resiliency

In child development there is a concept called ghosts in the nursery.  It refers to a parent's fears about effectively bonding or child rearing with their child.  Sometimes people may feel that their own parents may not have done the best job at parenting or sometimes people come from complex histories with deep emotional hurts.  They may worry how their past has shaped who they are today and how it will impact their perceived ability to be a good parent.  Just because a person may have less than desirable things in their past does not mean that they will be a poor parent.  Actually, those who can identify the ways in which they would do things differently and make the effort to do them, use the power within themselves to make a difference.  Sure, we are shaped by our experiences, but we are not powerless because of them.  Those who seek to be different have the courage to change.  I think the same could be said across multiple domains of our lives and not just parenting.

For me, there has been a small part wondering if I am broken because of my personal history-- experiences with my ex-husband,  close family members who died when I was a child or other things.  I know I am sensitive and it can create triggers for me.  But, I try to stop and take a step back when I feel that rush of emotion so to avoid projecting my past, like relationship hurts onto another person unfairly.  There are also those childhood fears lurking that can be difficult to let go.  And I've wondered if my past is too much for another man to handle.  Sometimes it makes it difficult for me to trust, to be transparent and to allow myself to initially take the risk to connect with another man in a romantic relationship.  I want a man who can know me, understand from where I am coming, so he can have compassion without feeling sorry for me.  Likewise, I want to be able to do the same for him.  I am not asking for someone to solve any problems, but for me to be able to feel safe being me--all of me--without chasing them away.

And frankly, I have been working very hard to move forward in my life.  It can be a bit tough to see fully at the moment as I continue to seek out full-time job opportunities.  But, I don't want my past to totally define me.  Sure, I want some amount of acknowledgement of the past, but do not ignore the present me and what I dream to be.  I am more.  And I will continue to evolve and change--hopefully growing in the strength, confidence and freedom to let my true self shine.

During one of the professional development sessions at a conference a few weeks ago, one speaker talked about the commonalities found in people who have resilience.  First, resilient people understand that they may not be able to control certain life circumstances, but they do not let those life circumstances control them.  They realize the power within themselves to be able to do something about it--they have choice.  The second quality is in being able to embrace the good and the bad in their lives, while being able to focus more on the good.  It is not ignoring, dismissing or skipping over the bad stuff.  It is taking it all in, but with the redirection on refocusing on the good in their lives with gratitude.  The final part is being able to healthfully seek and appropriately accept the help of others.  We are not in this alone and social connectivity is important, especially in the company of those you love and respect.

Can I do this?  Yes.  The answer is yes because I believe I have the qualities found in resiliency.  Sometimes it may take a bit more effort than other times, but I think it is there.  In my Finish heritage there is a word for it, too.  Sisu.  It is difficult to translate into English because it is such a multidimensional concept.  The simplest way to describe sisu is having inner determination.  It is not just survival, but that step beyond in holding onto hope and living every moment with zest for fulfillment of realizing one's dreams.

It's time to refocus and recapture that sisu!

Virtual Sanity

Over the last few weeks, I have been grieving the end of my relationship with RJ. I have come to accept that it is over, and with it comes a sadness in realizing the separation and that we are no longer apart of each other's life. So much has happened in my life that RJ would not know the slightest, and the same for me with his life.

It really hit home when I noticed that RJ changed his Facebook profile picture. He always had the same one, a picture of him with a friend. Now it is of him in one of his favorite places in the woods. Then there were a few postings on his page that had not been there before when we were together. And I looked back onto my page and saw the things posted on it since we broke up. It was a visual representation of the distance and space over time that comes between two people when a relationship ends. My friend, Emily, said it is almost like a drawing with the perspective of something tiny fading into the horizon. It makes me feel sad. But, it is a good thing, and it is part of the process of moving forward and healing. Time. Distance. Space. (Sounds like a math or physics problem.)

Then I had a conversation with another friend, Julie, about pictures on Facebook. Slowly, I have been deleting the photos with RJ (Sidenote: He also has not untagged himself either.). It has been difficult for me--not in the sense of wanting him back, but more along the lines of not wanting to erase me. The time we spent together meant something, and I am not trying to wipe it all away like it did not happen. My friend said she understood. Then she commented that I have probably taken down the photos of him in my apartment, which is true. She likened the photo albums on Facebook to the photos you keep on your bed stand, mantel or refrigerator. Facebook is kind of like a virtual version of those same spaces in your home. I liked that. It makes it a little easier to continue taking down those pictures. It is kind of like rearranging the furniture.

Maybe next weekend I'll do a little spring cleaning on my Facebook page. Right now I have to do some work at home. And it is supposed to snow tomorrow?! So, who wants to do spring cleaning when there is snow around? :P I'll get to it, soon enough.

A Pep Talk

• Get to work, stay focused on the task at hand and do what you need to do to cross the finish line. You can do this!



• Don't worry about tomorrow, you don't have to have all of the answers right now.



• Be in the present of today. Go with the flow and listen to your heart.



• Be a participant in life and be aware of all of what is around you. Pay attention to how life feels, the experiences shared with others, and really be apart of the moment.



• You will know what you need to know when you know it. Trust in yourself and let life unfold.

Sorting Out a Hot Mess

I don't even know where to begin.

Just when I felt like I was getting to that processing point in finding the words and discovering the reasons behind some very significant recent feelings, I am hit with a wall. Being in Columbus has allowed me to do some serious reflecting, for which I am thankful. But what the heck am I supposed to do with this information? Am I in some state of denial? Am I going to feel worse tomorrow morning, in the coming week or month? Will this tsunami of new information come back and test the strength and forgiveness that I have tried to build?

Enter the lovely Facebook...

My ex married the w----*.

Today as I happened across an old friend my ex and I shared, I noticed this friend looked happy and was dressed nicely in a suit. I was thinking, "He must have had a friend get married, how nice." I then thought I would see if his wife, also an old friend, was on his list of friends just to be nosey and to look at the profile pictures. (Honestly, I was curious to see if they were still together because it seemed like they might have been having relationship troubles around the time my relationship with my ex hit the fan. I am very happy they are still together.) As I was scrolling down the list, there popped up the wedding photo as her profile picture.

I was not expecting this. A few of the last words my ex said in my presence were, "I am NEVER getting married again."

I had never known what she had looked like. And I liked it that way.

Stupid, stupid, stupid. My intention was not to probe into his life. I was taking a walk down memory lane, just missing a few people who had been in my life for fourteen years.

It was weird. As I looked at the picture, they looked happy and had they been strangers to me I probably would have thought that they looked like two people who seemed to go together.

And it hurt because it is not easy to think of myself as so replaceable. My next thought was that he has definitely moved on with his life.

Argh! And just when I was getting to a place where I was not comparing the milestones in our lives as a measure of success in my life and letting go of feeling like it was less. I was (and am trying to hold onto) being better able to just let that all go. His life doesn't matter. Focus on myself and be thankful for all of the good in my life right now.

And despite all of the growth that I have made in the last few weeks**, I feel guilty for not being in a place to feel happy for him. I don't wish him harm or for bad things in his life. I have just been feeling at peace--just kind of neutral--you live your life and I will live mine. I don't know if I can feel happy for him. I'm not there yet. How could he have moved on so quickly? It's not about him. What's so wrong with me? And I don't want to hear that if this is what makes him happy that it was meant to be. Then why did I love him for all of those years?

Let it go.

(Important Note: When I originally created my Facebook page, I immediately blocked my ex. I wanted to minimize the chances of him knowing about my life and I had no interest in knowing about his. I knew her name and attempted to block her, but she did not have an account. Blocked a few other ex-in-laws and had not messed with the edits since.)

**Highlights from the previous weeks leading into learning this news...

So, in coming to Columbus for the summer, I have been reconnecting with some friends and getting back in touch with some old classmates. Feeling a bit nostalgic, I've been scoping out Facebook a bit more and it has been fun. And really, where it had sometimes been tough seeing people from my past with their families and children, in talking with them I am really happy for them. It is a very healthy thing.

Part of that I contribute to moving to a place where I can dream again--for myself and in my life. Last weekend, RJ and I went to a bunch of yard sales. I love roaming around a neighborhood yard sale with him. As we were out and about, we went into a couple of homes that were having open houses. RJ wanted to check one out to see how they were restoring the house, as it was in progress. It was fun to appreciate the workmanship. Then I was curious about another house, not wanting to lead the realtor on, but just a peek. It gave me a hint of what a house can cost in the area and how much home you can get and in what condition. It was the first time that I realized that I could really one day own a home again. I think given what I hope to have as an income when I get a job, I think I could one day swing getting a nice, little house. And I think it was important to view this as a possibility that I could potentially do on my own--in the way to know that I will be able to support myself and not rely on having to be with someone to do this. This is NOT a slight against RJ. If anything, I see this as me being able to have more to contribute if we consider more in sharing a future together.

It was refreshing to catch myself in that moment of dreaming and playfully considering the possibilities of my future, especially in such a positive way. It helps me to focus on me and to be thankful for what I have in my life and to not measure my life experiences with those of others. As my friend Karen said, "We each have to make our own happy." And that freedom to accept and appreciate my life allows me to enjoy more fully what others have in their lives for those who have meaning in my life. Again, a very good thing.

Then getting back to that nostalgic bug, Columbus has a lot of selection in music stations on the radio. There are several that play music that reminds me of high school and college. As much as I have tried to fight it, I have been thinking about my ex a bit more. Not in that way where I miss him or want to be with him, but just wandering thoughts of some of the good that we experienced together. I have felt very sad, but it has also been nice not to have vengeful or ugly thoughts related to him (*Oops, that one slipped.). In thinking about it, I wondered if I might be coming to a better place in reaching another level of forgiveness with him in letting go of the bad and the hurt. I am tired of feeling angry and maybe this was a sign that I am turning that corner or something has lifted. Many times I wondered if I could ever look back on the relationship with any kind of positive regard or if it had all been ruined in that my life during that period had been for nothing and a complete waste. But I decided that maybe how I was feeling recently was showing me that there was some good there and it was not all for naught, that there is meaning that I can positively take away for myself from that experience.

And with this new realization and acceptance I feel like I can better move forward in my life, especially in allowing my self to dream and in my relationship with RJ. Letting go helps me to be free and to have that space to enjoy more of life. It gives me better clarity as I work towards deeper resolve and acceptance. I am living my life for me! (Darn it!)

I just hope that I can hold onto that strength and level of forgiveness. I don't know how I will feel tomorrow or the coming days. I have a feeling that I may be in for experiencing a bit of an emotional hangover. Blughhhhh...

Not Quite There Yet

As of late, my mind has been wondering about my future. I think I might be getting a little ahead of myself in my worries about where I want to focus my job search once I graduate. I feel this pressure like I need to decide where I want to settle and make roots. But I am realizing that I think it is more important to have grounding in myself and to take my roots with me in where ever that might be. I want my life to be open to the possibility of having a family with someone I love. My heart aches to be a mother. But I know that is not on the map for me at this point in my life. I feel I need to first get my career in order and to establish a self-sustaining independence. And I don't want to just find anyone in order to just have a family. I need to remind myself that I want a loving and respectful partner to share in the adventure of life.

I am scared about the possibility of moving away from RJ when I am done with my studies. I wonder if RJ thinks about me as being part of his future? I wonder if he feels pressure in the direction of our relationship? I know I am feeling pressure and I feel like it is affecting my ability to be genuine and present when I am with RJ sometimes. Other times I feel like we are just in the flow, like the night that we spontaneously worked on a puzzle quiz together. I find myself questioning the fit of our relationship and if the out of sync feeling is a result of me being a graduate student and going to Columbus or if it is us. I feel like there is some distancing. Is this because RJ's feelings have changed for me? Or is it in my head and I could actually be the one who is giving him mixed messages and distancing myself from him? Then the layer of feeling sad about motherhood complicates things for me and I have to separate that from my relationship with RJ at the moment.

I talked to my therapist about my sadness surrounding not being a mother. He said it takes some getting used to not being married and time to let go of some of the things that may come with marriage. I am experiencing grief. And it has recently been brought on because I am having difficulty with the fact that three of my closest friends from growing up are all pregnant. One is a first time mother-to-be and one is expecting her second and one is expecting her third. I am being lapped on multiple levels and I don't want to feel ugly about it. I feel guilty about how to be there for them without feeling hurt.

Then I was babysitting for some friends of mine this week. It was such a sweet day with their two kids and I loved every moment. It wasn't until later that evening that I felt the bittersweet sadness. I realized the meaning of that twinge earlier in the afternoon as I was buckling one of the kids into his car seat. All of what I did with the kids was so simple, but I loved it and it felt so natural. We colored pictures, watched the mail truck drop off the mail, and took the dog outside. Our time outside with the dog could be an entire post because of all of life and silliness in it. Their favorite part of the day was helping to clean up poop. The snow finally melted and the yard needed some extra cleaning up. And because the house sits on a hill, the poop gets flung into the wooded valley. Leave it to my teacher ways to even use the experience in a teachable moment about what it means to stand down wind as one of the kids said how stinky it was to stand to the right of me with the shovel. And even with the sadness, I am still thankful to have had that experience.

My mind knows that I am not in a position to be a mother right now--financially or relationally. I know I am young and it is still a possibility. But it is my heart that feels so sad. I just want others to hear that and accept that--period. I want acknowledgement, not a solution or pep talk. And I need to remind myself to be patient and to do one thing at a time. I need to refocus on the now. I am a graduate student and a single woman in a dating relationship. And I do and I don't want to talk to RJ. I don't want to hold back in a way that would be detrimental to the relationship and I don't want us to talk all of the time. I think I am just going to have to go with the moment and see how it unfolds.

A True Friend

I have to say that yesterday could have been a terrible day. It was a day with sadness and hurt of the past, but I let myself feel it and then carry on with my day. I did not fight the thoughts that passed in and out of my mind.

But one of the big things that helped most was a phone call that I got from one of my dearest best friends. Karen called me in the morning. I had an essay to write and I thought for a moment of not picking up the phone because I was in a good writing groove and the thoughts of what would have been my ten year anniversary were looming in my head. But then I thought, no, pick up the phone.

As Karen and I were talking, I asked her why she called and she said, "Just because."

She asked how I was feeling and then I stopped. I told her not so good and I asked her, "Did you call because you knew it was my anniversary?"

She said, "Yes, I figured today would be a hard day for you."

With that I teared up and out poured all of what I had been feeling about the day. And I told Karen about it and she just listened. And then I cried some more because it was so incredibly sensitive and insightful for her to call me on this day to check on me. Not many people remember anniversaries, or at least it seems like something more celebrated by the couple. And I would think the dates would easily slip out of some one's mind once the marriage is over. I was so touched that she not only remembered, but that she was also brave and supportive enough to call. It was exactly what I needed--to be heard and to be understood. I didn't even fully realize it until the end of the day. Karen allowed me to say out loud what I had been feeling so that it could escape from my reeling unconscious. It freed me to let the day be whatever it was to be. And actually, it turned out to be a pretty good day.

Thank you, Karen! You were my maid of honor and you certainly have never wavered in our long friendship. You are like a sister to me and know me so very well. You amaze me. You are a dear, sweet friend with a heart as big as the moon! I love you, girl!!!