Oh, alright! So, yes, it does feel like I am settling into a new phase of my life. Or as referenced in a previous post, that not only does it feel like I am entering a new chapter, but that it is a new part of the story. It's like the kind of book that reads over a lifetime and it is not only broken down in chapters, but collections of chapters in parts. That's where I am.
"Maybe Part II is about shoring up my new career, finding work/life balance, living as a single (at the moment), childless (for now) lady, and cultivating the relationships of friends, family and romantic partner with a sensitivity to balance."
However, as much as I would like IF to be out of the picture. It is not. It may not be front and center, but it will always be part of me. And while my blog may focus on more my life and its current status, the IF thing may still pop up from time to time because I will come across things that will bring me pause and come back to it.
I think my reassessment post was about putting more distance between IF and my current self. I am also trying to give myself the space to let go and just be me...live with what I have right now in the moment. Children are not part of this moment, at least in the traditional sense. I liken what I am experiencing to almost like being on a break, or at least in a sort of parallel way like some of those who experience IF when they "stop trying" for a period of time...whether by choice or not. Biologically I can most likely still have a child, but I am not in a relationship or place in my life where I am actively trying. So, that seems to put me in the childless category-ish. But, that could change depending on how my life unfolds in the next few years. So, it is not like I am completely letting go of the dream of motherhood.
In the mean time, for my own sanity and to help myself from feeling like my life is completely on hold, I need to let go and accept my life and where it is right now. It is a healthy thing. It is mental shift away from feeling like I am sitting on the sidelines of life. I am trying to appreciate what I do have in my life in the moment...a really good job, a new home in Florida, boyfriend and family & friends who love me.
IF, motherhood and babies are falling away to the side. In many ways it is freeing. The focus is on me and not what I wish I had. The dream is not forgotten, but stored away for maybe another time if that space opens up. That pressure is diminishing. And it gives me more mental room to enjoy my current priorities. Not everyone's life is about children. Children and families are important, but not more important than a childless person's happiness or big events. As a wise friend said, happy is what you make of it.
It's nice to see you come to this shift in your thinking and your approach to your daily life. IF takes up every spare inch of room in our daily thoughts, especially when we are actively "trying" and sometimes even MORE when we're not. But there does come a time when, for your own sanity, you have to say enough is enough, for right now at least. Give not only your body but your mind and heart a time to rest. It's not easy. There is always that damn clock ticking in the background. It's yet another cruel physiological reminder with which women are "blessed." But it's nice to see that you are starting to at least compartmentalize that side of your life in order to place more focus on the relationships you currently have, rather than on the ones you wish to have in the future. It's a huge step. Living "in the moment" isn't easy for anyone, especially goal-driven, task oriented people like you and me. We like to make lists and take enjoyment from checking things off. IF, or rather motherhood, is still looming on your list and I have NO doubt that you will be checking it off sooner than you ever thought! XOXO
ReplyDeleteThanks, Diane! I have felt new freedom in the shift in my thinking. And I can appreciate how that can be difficult for teacher folk who tend to be goal-driven, task oriented people. You said it very well! Thanks for understanding and getting it. I appreciate your support! XOXO right back at you. :)
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