In recognition for what was my best blog entry for the year, I am highlighting it here and hope it will be a yearly tradition.
When deciding, I think about something that really touched me deeply--not only while I was writing it, but that it also resonated with me after I wrote it. There is something in the post that communicates something deep and significant while continuing to be appreciated after having reflected on that moment, idea or experience. A lesson learned, something to remember carrying forward.
This year's Elite Entry:
Dark Side Before Venturing into TTC
Showing posts with label reflection. Show all posts
Showing posts with label reflection. Show all posts
Saturday, December 31, 2016
Monday, August 29, 2016
Sticking to my New Year's Resolution Too Well
This year I made a resolution to not backdate my blog posts. While I have been mostly successful, it has ended up with me posting less. Not sure if it is really getting the result I intended. Whoops! Although, I think it has given me an opportunity to step back and think about my blog space.
Last year I had wedding planning to sprinkle into my rotation of posts. It was nice to take some of the focus away from my past IF experiences or how IF pops up in my life here and there.
Maybe a shift set in motion. This year there have been times where I may feel at a loss for what to write. I have not been as inclined to write about IF, so I guess I have not been writing as much. I've needed my life to be more, which it has. It just may not be well reflected in my blog. I should probably just write more about the everyday or what is current, rather than trying to make that connection to IF specifically. Just write about life as it is.
Microblog Mondays
Last year I had wedding planning to sprinkle into my rotation of posts. It was nice to take some of the focus away from my past IF experiences or how IF pops up in my life here and there.
Maybe a shift set in motion. This year there have been times where I may feel at a loss for what to write. I have not been as inclined to write about IF, so I guess I have not been writing as much. I've needed my life to be more, which it has. It just may not be well reflected in my blog. I should probably just write more about the everyday or what is current, rather than trying to make that connection to IF specifically. Just write about life as it is.
Microblog Mondays
Sunday, May 8, 2016
Mother's Day Tribute, Part 2 and Part 3
Four years ago, I wrote an entry about my friend, Dianne. She was the first person, outside of my previous spouse, that I confided in about IF. I had been suffering in silence for about a year when she opened up and shared her story, and it allowed me to tell the beginning of mine. She also guided me to where I could seek support from a community online, which I am forever grateful.
At the time of when I wrote the first post, my intention was to write two parts. The first part was in thanking Diane for all of her support through some very rough spots and transitions in my life. The second part was to be a celebration, which it still is. However, there are many more lessons I have learned from my friend that deserves recognition.
So, before there is part two, there should really be a part one and a half because it is often the journey and not the destination that has the rich stuff in life.
When I met Diane, she and her husband had been trying to have a child for quite some time through a variety of ways. However, they were on a break, and one that seemed to be considering if they had hit their limit. To someone who was new to this whole IF journey, and had just felt so much comfort from our mutual disclosures, it was a bit jarring. There were feelings of relief, sadness and hope that were suddenly tapped by meeting someone who had been there and really got it. It was quickly followed by feelings of confusion, fear and loneliness. How could I be learning about all of this stuff and now you all are going to stop trying? I just learned about your journey and it could be the end, without a baby?
Fortunately, unfortunately, I had an aunt and uncle whom struggled to have a child of their own and I had learned as a young preteen that each couple makes the best decisions for themselves and it is to be respected. While other couples may choose various, alternate paths to creating a family, it does not mean that every couple tries everything or for a defined amount of attempts. Every couple has their limits, which only they can know. I kept quiet. But on the inside was cheering for them, as one may tend to do at the beginning of their IF ride.
But, Diane taught me the value of stopping, whether by choice or not. It is important not to loose yourself. Take time to invest in you. Center yourself. Be kind to yourself. Love yourself. If you get a little lost, get off the roller coaster and rediscover yourself because you need the best you. When you are the best you, you will have more to give. You are special, worthy and strong. Remember, you deserve to be happy, regardless of the outcome. Be more than, always be more than.
Time passed, and Diane and her hubby decided to try and grow their family one more time. Then, part two...
Diane called with fantastic news! They were matched and were going to adopt a baby boy! Joy upon joy!!
And that was just a few months before Mother's Day four years ago. I was thrilled for my friend. She seemed to be in a place in her life that was not distracted in desperation (my feelings at the time if I was in her position, not her feelings necessarily), but a tempered hope to try one more time while living her life as it was. I believe it helped her to be more present in her joy of that moment. It was beautiful to see Diane and her husband welcome this adorable little child into their home.
This I would have shared four years ago, but time slipped by and it felt too much time had passed. Plus, I realized that while Diane and her husband adopted the little guy, it would take time through the legal system to make it fully official. So, I did not want to jinx it and justified that I could wait until his official day in court. Unfortunately, that took much longer than expected by no fault of their own. But, that day came and I was so very happy for all of them.
So, more time had passed and I told myself, next year. And this post sat in my head. But honestly, it allowed me to learn a few more things from my friend, Diane.
Part three...
Diane is a wonderful example of a mother who loves her child deeply. She is an awesome mother. It is an honor that she shares this special person and their moments together with family and friends, and that I get to see him grow up in pictures and in person. Diane and her husband are truly grateful in their blessing of their special little guy and it shows through in their pictures and stories and how they interact with him. They are realistic, too. He is a kid and kids do all kinds of stuff that we love and that drives us crazy and love some more.
Diane also seems to strike that balance of not over sharing and keeping some things just for themselves when it comes to online media. She is also mindful of others, especially those who have lost children or who are hoping to have a child one day. And Diane is not alone, as I have other friends that I have met through the IF community that do so, as well.
But, I think the other thing I learned from Diane and other mothers after IF is that "getting your happy ending" does not equate to making everything else better with no more worries. Life carries onward. And with it, there are health issues, bills, caring for the sick, disappointments, job loss, house repairs, death of a loved one, rationships to nurture, moving homes, career transitions, going back to school, loss of a pet, difficult decisions and so much more. It can be easy to get lost in the idea of an idealized, imagined life. It is important not to forget why you wanted to be a parent and to welcome a child into your family for the right reasons.
So, again, it is the journey that teaches. Sometime it is the journey that follows a moment in time, too. Thank you, Diane! Thank you to the other ladies that I met through this online community! You all have taught me so much. And in your words, Diane, ...Happy Mothering Day!
At the time of when I wrote the first post, my intention was to write two parts. The first part was in thanking Diane for all of her support through some very rough spots and transitions in my life. The second part was to be a celebration, which it still is. However, there are many more lessons I have learned from my friend that deserves recognition.
So, before there is part two, there should really be a part one and a half because it is often the journey and not the destination that has the rich stuff in life.
When I met Diane, she and her husband had been trying to have a child for quite some time through a variety of ways. However, they were on a break, and one that seemed to be considering if they had hit their limit. To someone who was new to this whole IF journey, and had just felt so much comfort from our mutual disclosures, it was a bit jarring. There were feelings of relief, sadness and hope that were suddenly tapped by meeting someone who had been there and really got it. It was quickly followed by feelings of confusion, fear and loneliness. How could I be learning about all of this stuff and now you all are going to stop trying? I just learned about your journey and it could be the end, without a baby?
Fortunately, unfortunately, I had an aunt and uncle whom struggled to have a child of their own and I had learned as a young preteen that each couple makes the best decisions for themselves and it is to be respected. While other couples may choose various, alternate paths to creating a family, it does not mean that every couple tries everything or for a defined amount of attempts. Every couple has their limits, which only they can know. I kept quiet. But on the inside was cheering for them, as one may tend to do at the beginning of their IF ride.
But, Diane taught me the value of stopping, whether by choice or not. It is important not to loose yourself. Take time to invest in you. Center yourself. Be kind to yourself. Love yourself. If you get a little lost, get off the roller coaster and rediscover yourself because you need the best you. When you are the best you, you will have more to give. You are special, worthy and strong. Remember, you deserve to be happy, regardless of the outcome. Be more than, always be more than.
Time passed, and Diane and her hubby decided to try and grow their family one more time. Then, part two...
Diane called with fantastic news! They were matched and were going to adopt a baby boy! Joy upon joy!!
And that was just a few months before Mother's Day four years ago. I was thrilled for my friend. She seemed to be in a place in her life that was not distracted in desperation (my feelings at the time if I was in her position, not her feelings necessarily), but a tempered hope to try one more time while living her life as it was. I believe it helped her to be more present in her joy of that moment. It was beautiful to see Diane and her husband welcome this adorable little child into their home.
This I would have shared four years ago, but time slipped by and it felt too much time had passed. Plus, I realized that while Diane and her husband adopted the little guy, it would take time through the legal system to make it fully official. So, I did not want to jinx it and justified that I could wait until his official day in court. Unfortunately, that took much longer than expected by no fault of their own. But, that day came and I was so very happy for all of them.
So, more time had passed and I told myself, next year. And this post sat in my head. But honestly, it allowed me to learn a few more things from my friend, Diane.
Part three...
Diane is a wonderful example of a mother who loves her child deeply. She is an awesome mother. It is an honor that she shares this special person and their moments together with family and friends, and that I get to see him grow up in pictures and in person. Diane and her husband are truly grateful in their blessing of their special little guy and it shows through in their pictures and stories and how they interact with him. They are realistic, too. He is a kid and kids do all kinds of stuff that we love and that drives us crazy and love some more.
Diane also seems to strike that balance of not over sharing and keeping some things just for themselves when it comes to online media. She is also mindful of others, especially those who have lost children or who are hoping to have a child one day. And Diane is not alone, as I have other friends that I have met through the IF community that do so, as well.
But, I think the other thing I learned from Diane and other mothers after IF is that "getting your happy ending" does not equate to making everything else better with no more worries. Life carries onward. And with it, there are health issues, bills, caring for the sick, disappointments, job loss, house repairs, death of a loved one, rationships to nurture, moving homes, career transitions, going back to school, loss of a pet, difficult decisions and so much more. It can be easy to get lost in the idea of an idealized, imagined life. It is important not to forget why you wanted to be a parent and to welcome a child into your family for the right reasons.
So, again, it is the journey that teaches. Sometime it is the journey that follows a moment in time, too. Thank you, Diane! Thank you to the other ladies that I met through this online community! You all have taught me so much. And in your words, Diane, ...Happy Mothering Day!
Thursday, January 21, 2016
January Resolutions
It's 2016!
When thinking about a new year, I take my time. Or sometimes, I let inspiration wash over me when it comes, which can sometimes be in late December. I guess my point is that I have a flexible time table when thinking about self improvement or inspiration to have a better year. Sometimes I try to set a goal and sometimes I set a theme.
For example, one year I found a quote that I really liked and kept it as a mantra to help me refocus. It was my self declared year of peace. It really was empowering and challenged me to let go of the little things or better prioritize my concerns while dealing with them in a more positive light.
Other times, it may have been a little more concrete, such as trying to write a certain number of posts each month. This was helpful when it felt to me that my blog had lost its focus or when I almost felt like I had run out of things to say, or at least IF related. It gave me permission to acknowledge (again) that my life was more than. Instead of waiting for an IF related post, the posts began to evolve into sometimes what goes on after IF, that life carries forward with other things to celebrate or observe or take notice. However, IF does continue to pop up from time to time, but it is different. I am different. I guess it kind of shows how IF may always be part of who you are, but the focus can shift.
So while in the past I have been trying to be mindful of trying to post regularly, I think I am going to try to do so more in the moment. I will sometimes go back and write backdated posts because historically, I want to capture the general time frame of when I had those thoughts, experiences or ah-ha moments. But, then I lose time in trying to keep up with other blogs that I enjoy more fully. While I will read in real-time or with binge reading, I do try to keep current in my reading. It may not show in my commenting, but I try.
So, I guess this year I should find a good quote about time.
When thinking about a new year, I take my time. Or sometimes, I let inspiration wash over me when it comes, which can sometimes be in late December. I guess my point is that I have a flexible time table when thinking about self improvement or inspiration to have a better year. Sometimes I try to set a goal and sometimes I set a theme.
For example, one year I found a quote that I really liked and kept it as a mantra to help me refocus. It was my self declared year of peace. It really was empowering and challenged me to let go of the little things or better prioritize my concerns while dealing with them in a more positive light.
Other times, it may have been a little more concrete, such as trying to write a certain number of posts each month. This was helpful when it felt to me that my blog had lost its focus or when I almost felt like I had run out of things to say, or at least IF related. It gave me permission to acknowledge (again) that my life was more than. Instead of waiting for an IF related post, the posts began to evolve into sometimes what goes on after IF, that life carries forward with other things to celebrate or observe or take notice. However, IF does continue to pop up from time to time, but it is different. I am different. I guess it kind of shows how IF may always be part of who you are, but the focus can shift.
So while in the past I have been trying to be mindful of trying to post regularly, I think I am going to try to do so more in the moment. I will sometimes go back and write backdated posts because historically, I want to capture the general time frame of when I had those thoughts, experiences or ah-ha moments. But, then I lose time in trying to keep up with other blogs that I enjoy more fully. While I will read in real-time or with binge reading, I do try to keep current in my reading. It may not show in my commenting, but I try.
So, I guess this year I should find a good quote about time.
Thursday, December 31, 2015
2015's Inaugural Elite Entry
Since there is not a Creme de la Creme this year, I want to recognize for myself what was my best blog entry for the year. When deciding, I thought about something that really touched me deeply--not only while I was writing it, but that it also resonated with me after I wrote it. There is something in the post that communicates something deep and significant while continuing to be appreciated after having reflected on that moment, idea or experience. A lesson learned, something to remember carrying forward.
I hope to start this practice this year with the intention of doing it next year. So, for this year, I have two posts to honor because they seem an appropriate pair.
2015's Elite Entry:
To Plan or Not To Plan
2015's Elite Entry Honorable Mention:
Healthy Hope and A Choice for a Childfull Life
I hope to start this practice this year with the intention of doing it next year. So, for this year, I have two posts to honor because they seem an appropriate pair.
2015's Elite Entry:
To Plan or Not To Plan
2015's Elite Entry Honorable Mention:
Healthy Hope and A Choice for a Childfull Life
Tuesday, November 24, 2015
Bump Envy
It's Thanksgiving this week, my favorite holiday of the year. For me it is good food and spending time with family. It is a time to be reflective and acknowledge blessings. The focus for me is on the positive without all of the fuss of presents and gifts that come with other holidays. It is about being present with those that you love.
Thanksgiving time tends to raise my spirits, warm my soul and feel lighter, almost carefree but with a mindfulness of the good in my life.
Strangely and recently, a slew of ladies at work have shared that they are expecting a child. There are baby bumps everywhere. I don't think I have seen this many all at once since first dealing with infertility. However, this time it is different. It doesn't sting or hurt like it did. Maybe it is because I'm getting married soon and I've got wedding on my brain. Maybe it is because this is the closest I've been in a long time to be somewhat near a place in my life that I may entertain the idea of having a child. Maybe it is because there is some sliver of hope that I may one day be a mom.
It has been a very long time since I have felt happy in a daydream of maybe one day being pregnant or having a child. It has been about ten years since the last time I first seriously started thinking about building a family. It has been a really long time.
I'm choosing to dance in the dream of motherhood, even if just for a spell. Because isn't it wonderful to catch yourself in a dream once in awhile? No strings attached or what if's. Reason has no place. It's just a dream and a song in your heart...to be free to feel...if just for that moment.
Thanksgiving time tends to raise my spirits, warm my soul and feel lighter, almost carefree but with a mindfulness of the good in my life.
Strangely and recently, a slew of ladies at work have shared that they are expecting a child. There are baby bumps everywhere. I don't think I have seen this many all at once since first dealing with infertility. However, this time it is different. It doesn't sting or hurt like it did. Maybe it is because I'm getting married soon and I've got wedding on my brain. Maybe it is because this is the closest I've been in a long time to be somewhat near a place in my life that I may entertain the idea of having a child. Maybe it is because there is some sliver of hope that I may one day be a mom.
It has been a very long time since I have felt happy in a daydream of maybe one day being pregnant or having a child. It has been about ten years since the last time I first seriously started thinking about building a family. It has been a really long time.
I'm choosing to dance in the dream of motherhood, even if just for a spell. Because isn't it wonderful to catch yourself in a dream once in awhile? No strings attached or what if's. Reason has no place. It's just a dream and a song in your heart...to be free to feel...if just for that moment.
Wednesday, September 23, 2015
August Nightmares
August is the anniversary month of my previous marriage. Had we stayed together, we would have been together for more years than apart this year. Funny how the math goes that you can hover so long and so close before reaching that tipping point. It is like one of those age problems from Alegebra I. When we were happy, we used to marvel at how much of our life we spent together and acknowledged that we really grew up together having been college sweethearts. We were young and so much happened during those years.
Then suddenly, he left.
August has been a tough month for me after that part of my life was cleaved away. The first year was awful...raw. I was thankful for a kind friend's phone call. I tend to try not to dwell on specific dates, even if they are etched in your brain. I am more aware of the general season of those memories as they run in the background of my mind, getting further in the distance. It has gotten easier over time, especially with wanting to let go...as sad as that is, but neccessary. This year was the first that the day came and went and consciously it didn't seem to bother me. The undercurrent of sadness and malaise seemed a scant phantom.
However, I had the most terrible nightmares for a better part of the month. And he was in most of those dreams, leaving me feeling unrested, upset and feeling used. In a few of the dreams, I missed him and felt sad. It was hard to shake the feelings after waking up. At the time, I didn't connect the dots because the day had passed and I thought I was fine. But, somewhere deep I am still letting go.
All of the dreams kind of made me worry about my relationship with T~. I think it is all of the wedding stuff and how people say you only get married once and the person you marry should be your best friend. Somehow it hurts. Somehow there is guilt. I once married a person who I felt was my best friend and intended only to be with him. (Cue Don't Speak by Gwen Stefani, No Doubt.)
I feel badly that T~ cannot be my first and only spouse. I recoil when people make references to us being best friends. I cringe when he says it. My visceral reaction sickens me and I feel awful. I don't want to marry a "best friend," after the last one. But, would a best friend ever treat you like garbage with so little regard? Can true friendships implode, deteriorate or devolve in such ugly ways? Maybe he wasn't a friend in the first place? Betrayal is so insidious. It is difficult to believe that someone you loved and whom you thought loved you could actively make such choices. It wasn't an accident or unintentional. It was selfish, grossly selfish. That is the hard part, when trust and respect are broken so horribly.
I know T~ is his own person...a wonderfully loving, kind and intuitive person. I'm just having difficulty separating the term "best friend" from my past experience. He either was never really my friend or he was, but then stopped somewhere along the way.
So, I try to reframe it by thinking about children giving each other friendship necklaces, the ones usually divided up into halves. Kids will often give these kinds of necklaces to more than one person. It is kind of like you are only supposed to have one best friend, but the secret is that you can have lots of best friends. It can be flexible due to context and purpose of that friendship. I think the important part is to let go of "the one and only" part. It somehow makes it feel like I didn't use up my only shot. It makes room for more. It makes room for T~.
I know T~ is his own person...a wonderfully loving, kind and intuitive person. I'm just having difficulty separating the term "best friend" from my past experience. He either was never really my friend or he was, but then stopped somewhere along the way.
So, I try to reframe it by thinking about children giving each other friendship necklaces, the ones usually divided up into halves. Kids will often give these kinds of necklaces to more than one person. It is kind of like you are only supposed to have one best friend, but the secret is that you can have lots of best friends. It can be flexible due to context and purpose of that friendship. I think the important part is to let go of "the one and only" part. It somehow makes it feel like I didn't use up my only shot. It makes room for more. It makes room for T~.
Once I put it all together, the dreams stopped and I have been more at ease. It may or may not look like progress, but to me it is. I am glad that I am not actively dwelling on that past relationship. As a friend once told me, the ending of a relationship is like a perspective painting where the road keeps getting smaller and smaller as it meets the horizon. That road will always be on my map, but that part of my life is near that dot in the distance. T~ and I are together in the foreground, in the present. I'm ready and excited about our adventure!
Friday, May 8, 2015
Wax and Wane
Some days, some situations are easier than others when it comes to babies and kids.
Baby showers, for instance, can feel okay or bring feelings of distant dread. In March, I was secretly relieved when T~ wanted to visit his new nephew on the same weekend as another friend's baby shower. It wasn't really planned that way, but just happened. I am very happy for my friend, but for some reason had difficulty getting excited to go to her shower. Instead, I mailed the gift and we later met for dinner and then she showed me the nursery.
Then, I got an invitation for another friend's shower in May. It was a bit of an impulse, but decided to go because I have not been back to Pittsburgh in three years. There was a good flight sale, and it would be an opportunity to visit with other friends, as well. I was somewhat surprised how well I was handling it. However, I have a friendship with the pregnant friend and a longer friendship with her sister whom taught with me. Plus, I have done some pet sitting for their parents. There are many ties to this family and I am grateful.
For the May shower, it was nice because I got to help out with setting up. Then I was asked if I could help with either writing out the list of opened gifts or manage the flow of gifts. I was open to either task, but with me being the one wearing flats, it was easier to wrangle the present pile with some help from my pregnant friend's nieces. It was nice catching up with some of the other ladies, too. But after glancing around about half way through the gifts, I realized the blessing it was to be helping. It kept my mind busy and the focus on my friend.
I also noticed someone else in the room whom seemed a little sad or tired maybe, but I could be wrong. Showers seem to be more complicated events. When I was growing up and later, but before trying to have a child, I saw wedding and baby showers as celebrations. It was difficult for me to see or understand why people complained about going. But now, I see layers of complexity for whatever the reason.
The other tricky situation is hanging out with a friend and their kid. Sometimes it seems to go better than other times. There are many variables with maybe how I am feeling that day (realized or not), how the child is feeling, how well I know the child or their comfort level with me or adults. Some kids are more open and outgoing and that makes it easier. I think it also depends on the parent. I'm just saying there are a lot of dynamics to juggle. I feel badly about a possible misstep. I may have hurt one friend's feelings a little bit. But, most of the time when the kids were around it was fun and pleasant. My favorite was The Hockey Player (as he sometimes refers to himself) belting out the national anthems for both the US and Canada while swinging in the park.
T~ made the observation as we were coming home from Pittsburgh after meeting more of my friends, "So, all your friends have kids." Me, "Um, yep." Pause, "Well, kind of. That's where we are in life. People have kids." I clarified and reminded him that there are a few without kids, but the ones he met this weekend have kids. This didn't bother him, but I think it surprised him. I think it was that because ratio wise I have more friends with kids than he does. It is what it is. But, I think it gives him more perspective on how much it can fly in my face that I do not have a child.
After thinking about this weekend and the past couple of showers, I think one thing that makes a difference about my comfort level with baby showers and spending time with kids is the level of closeness with that friend and how much of the journey they were present while I was actively trying to be a mom. For instance, the March shower would have been with a whole lot of strangers who don't know my back story. The May shower was different. This friend and her family and another friend know my past and know it well. I think that my friends who knew me and supported me during that time have another lens than those who I met after actively trying. These friends saw the longing in my eyes, the yearning and the heartache when I was most raw. They saw how badly I wanted it and told me how they believed that I would be a great mother. I think they can sometimes be more gentle and forgiving. They want to share their children with me; there is a deeper awareness and trust.
It is not to say that the friends I made after actively going through IF are not compassionate or lacking in being more inclusive with their children. I think it is just not talked about and there is a lot of uncertainty. It is a bit of a fopaux for either person to bring it up. Maybe I just need to be more forthcoming. Sometimes, yes it can be difficult. I cannot predict the triggers. But, the joy I feel from really spending quality time with you and your child outweighs the pain.
Thank you friends who get it. Thank you for being a safe bubble for me to freely enjoy my friendship with you and your children. And sometimes friends it is not you, but the situation in how safe I feel, which may not be something you can control.
Baby showers, for instance, can feel okay or bring feelings of distant dread. In March, I was secretly relieved when T~ wanted to visit his new nephew on the same weekend as another friend's baby shower. It wasn't really planned that way, but just happened. I am very happy for my friend, but for some reason had difficulty getting excited to go to her shower. Instead, I mailed the gift and we later met for dinner and then she showed me the nursery.
Then, I got an invitation for another friend's shower in May. It was a bit of an impulse, but decided to go because I have not been back to Pittsburgh in three years. There was a good flight sale, and it would be an opportunity to visit with other friends, as well. I was somewhat surprised how well I was handling it. However, I have a friendship with the pregnant friend and a longer friendship with her sister whom taught with me. Plus, I have done some pet sitting for their parents. There are many ties to this family and I am grateful.
For the May shower, it was nice because I got to help out with setting up. Then I was asked if I could help with either writing out the list of opened gifts or manage the flow of gifts. I was open to either task, but with me being the one wearing flats, it was easier to wrangle the present pile with some help from my pregnant friend's nieces. It was nice catching up with some of the other ladies, too. But after glancing around about half way through the gifts, I realized the blessing it was to be helping. It kept my mind busy and the focus on my friend.
I also noticed someone else in the room whom seemed a little sad or tired maybe, but I could be wrong. Showers seem to be more complicated events. When I was growing up and later, but before trying to have a child, I saw wedding and baby showers as celebrations. It was difficult for me to see or understand why people complained about going. But now, I see layers of complexity for whatever the reason.
The other tricky situation is hanging out with a friend and their kid. Sometimes it seems to go better than other times. There are many variables with maybe how I am feeling that day (realized or not), how the child is feeling, how well I know the child or their comfort level with me or adults. Some kids are more open and outgoing and that makes it easier. I think it also depends on the parent. I'm just saying there are a lot of dynamics to juggle. I feel badly about a possible misstep. I may have hurt one friend's feelings a little bit. But, most of the time when the kids were around it was fun and pleasant. My favorite was The Hockey Player (as he sometimes refers to himself) belting out the national anthems for both the US and Canada while swinging in the park.
T~ made the observation as we were coming home from Pittsburgh after meeting more of my friends, "So, all your friends have kids." Me, "Um, yep." Pause, "Well, kind of. That's where we are in life. People have kids." I clarified and reminded him that there are a few without kids, but the ones he met this weekend have kids. This didn't bother him, but I think it surprised him. I think it was that because ratio wise I have more friends with kids than he does. It is what it is. But, I think it gives him more perspective on how much it can fly in my face that I do not have a child.
After thinking about this weekend and the past couple of showers, I think one thing that makes a difference about my comfort level with baby showers and spending time with kids is the level of closeness with that friend and how much of the journey they were present while I was actively trying to be a mom. For instance, the March shower would have been with a whole lot of strangers who don't know my back story. The May shower was different. This friend and her family and another friend know my past and know it well. I think that my friends who knew me and supported me during that time have another lens than those who I met after actively trying. These friends saw the longing in my eyes, the yearning and the heartache when I was most raw. They saw how badly I wanted it and told me how they believed that I would be a great mother. I think they can sometimes be more gentle and forgiving. They want to share their children with me; there is a deeper awareness and trust.
It is not to say that the friends I made after actively going through IF are not compassionate or lacking in being more inclusive with their children. I think it is just not talked about and there is a lot of uncertainty. It is a bit of a fopaux for either person to bring it up. Maybe I just need to be more forthcoming. Sometimes, yes it can be difficult. I cannot predict the triggers. But, the joy I feel from really spending quality time with you and your child outweighs the pain.
Thank you friends who get it. Thank you for being a safe bubble for me to freely enjoy my friendship with you and your children. And sometimes friends it is not you, but the situation in how safe I feel, which may not be something you can control.
Tuesday, January 20, 2015
So Many Variables
For much of January, I have been thinking and wondering and worrying... Am I too old to have a baby of my own? Are my eggs still good? Is it selfish of me to want to have a biological child with T~?
And really what each of these questions should add is some form of "a healthy baby." I am scared because the longer I wait, there is an increased chance there could be complications. Usually, I am good about regular exercise and healthy eating. However, my bigger concern is for the potential child. I am nervous about possible health or developmental issues. Sure lots of people have had healthy babies later in life. Will that be me? I would hope so.
But having been a teacher and now working in the medical field, I have seen more than my share of children with complicated medical or developmental needs. It takes a lot of work. And truth be told, I have had multiple parents who have expressed their guilt and confessed to me that they wondered if they had been selfish in having a child later in life. They have wondered aloud if they brought on these troubles to their child...and stopping short of saying that maybe they should not have tried in the first place. These are good people and I realize they are sharing these thoughts while under great distress.
Nevertheless, it gives me pause. At what cost do you try? Is the risk worth the benefit? Who is the priority? It is not all about you. It is also about that future person you may bring into this world. At what cost is it to them? What are you maybe asking them to sacrifice? Is it fair?
I know in some ways I am getting ahead of myself as T~ and I are still planning our wedding. But, I can't help it. I am feeling the pressure of time. I want to make a responsible choice. My thoughts waiver. Should we try for a baby of our own? Should we adopt? Can I be happy without children and instead dedicate myself to my career by helping others? Or should I focus my energies on the people in my extended family and friends? Lots of questions and lots to think about.
When I start to feel overwhelmed by it, I focus on wedding planning and my life with T~. It is much more fun. :)
And really what each of these questions should add is some form of "a healthy baby." I am scared because the longer I wait, there is an increased chance there could be complications. Usually, I am good about regular exercise and healthy eating. However, my bigger concern is for the potential child. I am nervous about possible health or developmental issues. Sure lots of people have had healthy babies later in life. Will that be me? I would hope so.
But having been a teacher and now working in the medical field, I have seen more than my share of children with complicated medical or developmental needs. It takes a lot of work. And truth be told, I have had multiple parents who have expressed their guilt and confessed to me that they wondered if they had been selfish in having a child later in life. They have wondered aloud if they brought on these troubles to their child...and stopping short of saying that maybe they should not have tried in the first place. These are good people and I realize they are sharing these thoughts while under great distress.
Nevertheless, it gives me pause. At what cost do you try? Is the risk worth the benefit? Who is the priority? It is not all about you. It is also about that future person you may bring into this world. At what cost is it to them? What are you maybe asking them to sacrifice? Is it fair?
I know in some ways I am getting ahead of myself as T~ and I are still planning our wedding. But, I can't help it. I am feeling the pressure of time. I want to make a responsible choice. My thoughts waiver. Should we try for a baby of our own? Should we adopt? Can I be happy without children and instead dedicate myself to my career by helping others? Or should I focus my energies on the people in my extended family and friends? Lots of questions and lots to think about.
When I start to feel overwhelmed by it, I focus on wedding planning and my life with T~. It is much more fun. :)
Thursday, November 13, 2014
Arm Wrap Up
Yesterday was my last session of PT for my shoulder. There were a lot of emotions. Nearly eight months of therapy after a failed attempt of treatment from another care provider and fourteen months since the injury.
I am thankful for being able to get a second opinion and to then get the care I really needed and advocated to get in the first place. I am thankful for the doctor who believed my pain and that I should not settle for partial healing and movement of my arm. I am thankful that he referred me to a fantastic PT group who also took my concerns as real and my desire to get better as true. The new doctor and PT group found it reasonable for me to want to be able to put on a coat without pain or hook my bra when getting dressed in the morning or to be able to sleep through the night. They recognized that my injury and healing process were atypical and were not going to give up. They were able to work with my injury so that I could avoid surgery or manipulation under anesthesia.
It took a long time, and with very slow and steady progress. They did not place blame or make me feel badly for it taking so long to recover. They focused on the forward progress no matter how small. They acknowledged my efforts and were my cheerleaders. They listened to all of the little, subtle details of what I observed or noticed along the way to make adjustments or tweaks in their treatment plan. They did not make me feel silly for being frustrated by some of the limitations I had experienced in my range of motion. They were glad that I wanted to be able to throw a baseball again or reach for the cereal on the top shelf or be able to make snow angels. I did not just want to settle for partial results. Sure, I may not get back to exactly how my arm was before the accident. But, I don't have to settle for good enough. They understood that I wanted to get back to as close to my normal, which may be a bit farther than most because of me being hypermobile or naturally more flexible. It was not a crazy expectation or unrealistic. It was just me wanting to be me again.
So, before I left on that last day, I thanked the PT therapists who worked with me. I also thanked other staff for their patience and kindness. Once I stepped out of the hospital, I cried a little bit. Tears of relief, tears of saying good-bye and tears of thankfulness. Hopefully, it is over and my arm can heal that last five percent on its own with my own exercise, regular living and time. I am walking away feeling confident in the medical care I finally received.
I am thankful for being able to get a second opinion and to then get the care I really needed and advocated to get in the first place. I am thankful for the doctor who believed my pain and that I should not settle for partial healing and movement of my arm. I am thankful that he referred me to a fantastic PT group who also took my concerns as real and my desire to get better as true. The new doctor and PT group found it reasonable for me to want to be able to put on a coat without pain or hook my bra when getting dressed in the morning or to be able to sleep through the night. They recognized that my injury and healing process were atypical and were not going to give up. They were able to work with my injury so that I could avoid surgery or manipulation under anesthesia.
It took a long time, and with very slow and steady progress. They did not place blame or make me feel badly for it taking so long to recover. They focused on the forward progress no matter how small. They acknowledged my efforts and were my cheerleaders. They listened to all of the little, subtle details of what I observed or noticed along the way to make adjustments or tweaks in their treatment plan. They did not make me feel silly for being frustrated by some of the limitations I had experienced in my range of motion. They were glad that I wanted to be able to throw a baseball again or reach for the cereal on the top shelf or be able to make snow angels. I did not just want to settle for partial results. Sure, I may not get back to exactly how my arm was before the accident. But, I don't have to settle for good enough. They understood that I wanted to get back to as close to my normal, which may be a bit farther than most because of me being hypermobile or naturally more flexible. It was not a crazy expectation or unrealistic. It was just me wanting to be me again.
So, before I left on that last day, I thanked the PT therapists who worked with me. I also thanked other staff for their patience and kindness. Once I stepped out of the hospital, I cried a little bit. Tears of relief, tears of saying good-bye and tears of thankfulness. Hopefully, it is over and my arm can heal that last five percent on its own with my own exercise, regular living and time. I am walking away feeling confident in the medical care I finally received.
Sunday, November 9, 2014
Blogging Relationships
Sometimes after commenting on another person's blog post, you realize that your comment could make a good blog entry. I found Mel's post, Don't Starve the Good Bloggers, to be an interesting read. It suggests diverting the energy in responding to trolls towards supporting the bloggers you enjoy reading and where their story, their writing touches you. I like the idea of investing in others and sharing kindness. The comments from the post seemed to follow a conversation around how people post comments or how often they receive them. It reminded me of fostering relationships and friendships. Below is my response to the post and its dialogue.
I think the blogging relationship between readers and writers follows similar patterns of friendships over a lifetime. Some people are long time friends, some are casual friends, and some are work friends. Some are neighbors or people you have met through a common interest, like going to the gym or taking an art class. Some have that instant kinship or that feeling like you have been friends your whole life, and then a new chapter begins. They will always be dear to your heart and you might miss them. Some friendships ebb and flow where there are periods of closeness and periods of distance, but then closeness again. People's lives change and we may go down separate paths. The most fortunate of friendships are the ones that you can pick up right where you left off, no matter the time between.
For me, I feel like I am in a very small niche of the IF community. When I started my blog, it was after the active TTCing and shortly after my marriage had ended. It was and has been a way for me to process what I went through and the lingering shadows that follow me now. I had made friends in the IF community from another source of support online before everything fell apart [in my marriage] and followed them here. So, upon entering the blogging community, I started with a very low readership because I was not actively trying. It has never been huge. Who would read about "their worst nightmare?" But, I keep writing for me and maybe, maybe it might be of help for someone out there.
And I've kept up in reading this blog [Stirrup Queens] because I enjoy what Mel has to say and because I have found some voices who have been through kind of what I am going through and are on the other side, the side without children. It gives me a light in how to live right now as a childless person. I may get another chance to try to be a mother, but not at the moment. I find comfort in knowing if I have the opportunity to try to be a mother, I am connected to a place where others are actively trying. But, it is also a space that if I remain childless, that there are women here to show me I'll be okay.
Thank you to all who read my blog! Thank you to those who post comments, as well! Thank you to the lovely ladies who have shared in their friendship with me beyond the online world and IRL! Hugs!
I think the blogging relationship between readers and writers follows similar patterns of friendships over a lifetime. Some people are long time friends, some are casual friends, and some are work friends. Some are neighbors or people you have met through a common interest, like going to the gym or taking an art class. Some have that instant kinship or that feeling like you have been friends your whole life, and then a new chapter begins. They will always be dear to your heart and you might miss them. Some friendships ebb and flow where there are periods of closeness and periods of distance, but then closeness again. People's lives change and we may go down separate paths. The most fortunate of friendships are the ones that you can pick up right where you left off, no matter the time between.
For me, I feel like I am in a very small niche of the IF community. When I started my blog, it was after the active TTCing and shortly after my marriage had ended. It was and has been a way for me to process what I went through and the lingering shadows that follow me now. I had made friends in the IF community from another source of support online before everything fell apart [in my marriage] and followed them here. So, upon entering the blogging community, I started with a very low readership because I was not actively trying. It has never been huge. Who would read about "their worst nightmare?" But, I keep writing for me and maybe, maybe it might be of help for someone out there.
And I've kept up in reading this blog [Stirrup Queens] because I enjoy what Mel has to say and because I have found some voices who have been through kind of what I am going through and are on the other side, the side without children. It gives me a light in how to live right now as a childless person. I may get another chance to try to be a mother, but not at the moment. I find comfort in knowing if I have the opportunity to try to be a mother, I am connected to a place where others are actively trying. But, it is also a space that if I remain childless, that there are women here to show me I'll be okay.
Thank you to all who read my blog! Thank you to those who post comments, as well! Thank you to the lovely ladies who have shared in their friendship with me beyond the online world and IRL! Hugs!
Tuesday, May 20, 2014
Wanting to Know the Secret
As I believe I have mentioned before, there are times when I am drawn towards articles about relationships, especially after having been through divorce. At first, I read them to try to glean reasons why my past relationship ended in divorce. Then I read them when I began dating to learn more about beginning new relationships and to reset my expectations as I embraced dating as an adventure. But, eventually I wanted to come to a place in my life that I would be ready and wanting marriage with that right special person. I am hopeful for that with T~.
So, now the relationship articles that catch my eye are more about how to have loving, fulfilling long-term relationships. There was one, which of course I cannot find now, that was about the secrets of older couples and the common characteristics their relationships had. I want be married again, and when I do, I want it to last. But, as I read this article, I could not help but be reminded of my relationship with my previous husband. I felt sad because at some point I thought he was my best friend. Briefly, my feelings of grief returned with a faint longing of having hoped it would have worked. It is not at all that I want it back or him, it was more of a feeling of mourning something lost. I did not like these feelings or that I thought about my previous husband when reading the article.
After a few weeks, I decided that feelings get stirred up now and again. And more importantly, it takes time to build a foundation for a solid relationship with depth. It is more about knowing that I want that with T~, and that it will take time to get there. Life is not a race, but a journey and one that I want to share with T~. I have decided to focus on what I am thankful for in my relationship with T~ now and what I appreciate about him. He is loving, patient and kind. He pays attention and is thoughtful and sensitive. He makes me laugh and loves to surprise me. I am so thankful he is in my life! I hope I am doing the same for him so that he feels loved and supported, too.
So, now the relationship articles that catch my eye are more about how to have loving, fulfilling long-term relationships. There was one, which of course I cannot find now, that was about the secrets of older couples and the common characteristics their relationships had. I want be married again, and when I do, I want it to last. But, as I read this article, I could not help but be reminded of my relationship with my previous husband. I felt sad because at some point I thought he was my best friend. Briefly, my feelings of grief returned with a faint longing of having hoped it would have worked. It is not at all that I want it back or him, it was more of a feeling of mourning something lost. I did not like these feelings or that I thought about my previous husband when reading the article.
After a few weeks, I decided that feelings get stirred up now and again. And more importantly, it takes time to build a foundation for a solid relationship with depth. It is more about knowing that I want that with T~, and that it will take time to get there. Life is not a race, but a journey and one that I want to share with T~. I have decided to focus on what I am thankful for in my relationship with T~ now and what I appreciate about him. He is loving, patient and kind. He pays attention and is thoughtful and sensitive. He makes me laugh and loves to surprise me. I am so thankful he is in my life! I hope I am doing the same for him so that he feels loved and supported, too.
Friday, February 28, 2014
February Run Down
Time is strange. While it feels like time just keeps flying, I also feel stuck and that things are moving slowly. I am busy everyday but I wonder, how much am I actually accomplishing? It is another back dated post, but I seem to want to jot down some notes so that maybe I can see some progress, movement or forward motion.
Looking for a job is a full-time job. It is a constant cycle of researching, completing applications and following up. There is always more.
My health is important and having insurance is a priority. There is relief that I can get it, but it is expensive--the laws vary from state to state and there are so many variables as to who is eligible for reduced premiums. My arm still hurts and I need care.
Emotional IF meltdown with a trifecta of triggers.
The twins would have been five-years-old this year, preschoolers getting ready for Kindergarten.
Looking for a job is a full-time job. It is a constant cycle of researching, completing applications and following up. There is always more.
My health is important and having insurance is a priority. There is relief that I can get it, but it is expensive--the laws vary from state to state and there are so many variables as to who is eligible for reduced premiums. My arm still hurts and I need care.
Emotional IF meltdown with a trifecta of triggers.
- Read an article linked from a blog about new research suggesting that the decline of egg quality is more like in the range of 33 to 37. It means that egg decline begins earlier than 35 and that the range ends more quickly than previously thought. It is more like dropping off a cliff. While I know getting pregnant at 35 or after is high risk and greatly reduced, I thought there was more time in the decline. I thought the time to be more realistic for it not happening for me would be around 40 or 42. If the cliff is 37, then I have about six months to get pg. And that is highly unlikely because the timing has been derailed for me. While I am in a relationship, it is not the right time for us. We just moved in with each other, my career is unsettled and I am unsure where I may be living in a year. Life feels like it is on hold again in some ways. And while the pause button has been pressed, time keeps passing and my window of opportunity gets smaller and smaller.
- This got me thinking about my age and I realized that I am older than what my mom was when my sister was born. My mom had my sister when she was 35 and I was 11. I look at what my parents had at my age--marriage, a house, children, career and being part of the community. I am nowhere near that and I feel like I am just floating and drifting from space to space. There are no roots, stability or routine. Everything is up in the air. While some envy the freedom of my life in having choices to make my life whatever I want, the reality is that I am limited in my choices. The economy is really tough and I don't want to rush my relationship with T~. Time is a limited resource.
- Then I return to those urges where I so very much want to be a mom. And I wonder, was having a sister 11 years younger than me as close to motherhood that I am going to get? Will I only get glimpses of it through my godchildren? Will I only experience it through the joy I feel for my friends as they share pictures and stories about their own children? Is it just not supposed to happen for me?
The twins would have been five-years-old this year, preschoolers getting ready for Kindergarten.
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
A Light Sketch
My mind is playfully dancing around the conversation T~ and I had just before bed last night. It just kind of floated out there, all innocent like. My heart is happy and I am in wonder in how simple and natural and easy the conversation started and flowed. I'm not even really sure exactly when it started, it just happened and was.
T~ and I talked about moving in together.
We have talked in broad terms about our feelings and thoughts about marriage, children and things that bring us fulfillment. We have talked about wanting to find a partner and share a life with someone special.
This conversation was a dreaming kind of chat or a light sketch about us. No big or hard details, just feeling it out. But, the words were said that he wants to share a home with me and I want to share a home with him. It is all still early, but it was a real conversation with him.
And there is also something important that I've noticed about being with T~ in the last month or so. I feel calm and confident about our relationship. There isn't so much worry in trying to guess what he is thinking. I just ask him and he says it. There is a mutual transparency in our relationship. Part of this has been me learning to be more bold and part of it is him. And the times that we have spent apart, like being out of town visiting family, I have missed him, but I have felt at ease. In my past relationships I may have felt twisted up, stressed and scared. However, with T~, I feel secure-- secure in myself, in him and us when we are together and apart from one another. Again, it is from my own growing, but it is also him. I feel blessed to be with T~.
T~ and I talked about moving in together.
We have talked in broad terms about our feelings and thoughts about marriage, children and things that bring us fulfillment. We have talked about wanting to find a partner and share a life with someone special.
This conversation was a dreaming kind of chat or a light sketch about us. No big or hard details, just feeling it out. But, the words were said that he wants to share a home with me and I want to share a home with him. It is all still early, but it was a real conversation with him.
And there is also something important that I've noticed about being with T~ in the last month or so. I feel calm and confident about our relationship. There isn't so much worry in trying to guess what he is thinking. I just ask him and he says it. There is a mutual transparency in our relationship. Part of this has been me learning to be more bold and part of it is him. And the times that we have spent apart, like being out of town visiting family, I have missed him, but I have felt at ease. In my past relationships I may have felt twisted up, stressed and scared. However, with T~, I feel secure-- secure in myself, in him and us when we are together and apart from one another. Again, it is from my own growing, but it is also him. I feel blessed to be with T~.
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
The Betweens
My blog is in a state of flux. Sometimes I question if I have more to write, but then a post comes to mind and it goes on the page. It sometimes feels like a trickle. It is not so much that I am dealing with immediate IF issues. I have used this space to process and grieve what once was my battle with IF. Now it feels like I am grappling with the left over reverberation, such as how this has all impacted my parents and family. They have been marked and hurt by the process and sometimes hurt for me in what could have been. It is sometimes unspoken and more with a knowing sigh or glance. Pandora's box has been opened and there is no going back to how it was before IF invaded our lives. It has left a hole and there is no undoing of that want and dream of a child my own. That chapter in my life has closed and the loss is still felt.
But, there are new chapters yet to be written and a child could still be a possibility. There is a chance that a new dream of a new child could be born. However, until that time, I am in a space of in between where I must find a way to live in the present.
And it is in this space of in between that I am trying to find peace and happiness and freedom.
So, where do I look for support? It is a really, really small niche in the IF community. As of yet, I have only really found two other blogs where a person was once married and dealing with IF and got divorced and were still of an age to be able to conceive a child potentially. One stopped her blog shortly thereafter and the other remarried, but then her life quickly took a turn as she faced breast cancer. This second blog has been very validating for me in a retrospective kind of way before the writer learned of her illness. And she continues to be inspiring in framing what is most important in life. Her situation made her have to get off the IF roller coaster. Then how she documented her journey put things in a different perspective. Her blog also helped me through my mom's treatments for breast cancer as the blogger was a few steps ahead of my mom in her treatments and it kind of prepared me for what was next. lt helped me to focus on my current blessings and helped me find clarity in prioritizing what I want in my life.
So, I continue to look for ways to help me deal with the current childlessness in my life because if I do not, I may get stuck in my sadness and grief. I need to find a way to live my life now and be happy. The places I find myself more so lately are the blogs of those living childfree. Perhaps there is something for me to learn from them to help me manage during this chapter in my life. It is not that I am giving up hope on having a child, just trying to find a way to peaceably live until it may be time to dream that dream.
But, there are new chapters yet to be written and a child could still be a possibility. There is a chance that a new dream of a new child could be born. However, until that time, I am in a space of in between where I must find a way to live in the present.
And it is in this space of in between that I am trying to find peace and happiness and freedom.
So, where do I look for support? It is a really, really small niche in the IF community. As of yet, I have only really found two other blogs where a person was once married and dealing with IF and got divorced and were still of an age to be able to conceive a child potentially. One stopped her blog shortly thereafter and the other remarried, but then her life quickly took a turn as she faced breast cancer. This second blog has been very validating for me in a retrospective kind of way before the writer learned of her illness. And she continues to be inspiring in framing what is most important in life. Her situation made her have to get off the IF roller coaster. Then how she documented her journey put things in a different perspective. Her blog also helped me through my mom's treatments for breast cancer as the blogger was a few steps ahead of my mom in her treatments and it kind of prepared me for what was next. lt helped me to focus on my current blessings and helped me find clarity in prioritizing what I want in my life.
So, I continue to look for ways to help me deal with the current childlessness in my life because if I do not, I may get stuck in my sadness and grief. I need to find a way to live my life now and be happy. The places I find myself more so lately are the blogs of those living childfree. Perhaps there is something for me to learn from them to help me manage during this chapter in my life. It is not that I am giving up hope on having a child, just trying to find a way to peaceably live until it may be time to dream that dream.
Monday, October 7, 2013
Meaning Making
There was an article I read a bit ago that my sister posted on fb, but it has since dropped from her timeline and I do not remember the name of it. It was talking about some research that was done about how people find happiness in their lives. The article described three ways that people draw happiness into their lives.
I've been thinking a lot about my personal happiness and desire to make meaning with my life. It's back to legacy building and I want my life and my time here to have meant something. I'm not sure if I will have the opportunity to have a child, so I search for something else in which to pour my heart and soul. Just in case motherhood does not happen for me, I feel compelled to do something with myself in the mean time, just in case.
It has been five years this month when everything came crashing down around me. The mess was well within the works, but it was in the fall just before Halloween that the surreal became my harsh, cruel reality. Five years of rebuilding...going back to school, juggling several part-time jobs, searching for a new job, moving many times to make a new home for myself, rebuilding a support network, making new friends, saying good-bye to some, trying to keep in touch with others as our lives take separate paths, taking risks, living more aware and freely, landing my first full-time job in my new career, getting that first year under my belt, learning to love again, getting my heart broken, trying to be more in the moment, learning to trust myself, relearning to trust others, taking that risk in love yet again, and refocusing on the now and the blessings I have and not what was or wished to be. It has been a long time and in many ways I continue on the journey of rebuilding, but I will never have what I once had...both a loss and a gift.
My point is that I have been in almost a survival mode that tries to find some semblance of balance in living...to appreciate the little things and the wonderfully big blessings. I have grown tired and I long for a break or breakthrough. In some ways, I want all of these efforts in rebuilding to mean something. I know myself and I take great pride in my work. It is more than just a job for me. But, I need balance, too. My work cannot be my everything because only so much is in your control and I do not want to depend on someone else for my happiness. So, now I try to temper my efforts at work and awaken the other paths to happiness...through relationship and pleasure. I've focused so much on the work part, it can be difficult to take that much needed step back.
I have to give myself permission to be more than...
- Participating in activities that bring a person pleasure. It is indulgent on the senses.
- Spending time with family and friends in ways that cultivate healthy, positive relationships that are fulfilling. It is about quality social engagement.
- Engaging in work that is satisfying and meaningful and contributes to something larger than themselves as an individual. This may be through work or volunteering in the community.
I've been thinking a lot about my personal happiness and desire to make meaning with my life. It's back to legacy building and I want my life and my time here to have meant something. I'm not sure if I will have the opportunity to have a child, so I search for something else in which to pour my heart and soul. Just in case motherhood does not happen for me, I feel compelled to do something with myself in the mean time, just in case.
It has been five years this month when everything came crashing down around me. The mess was well within the works, but it was in the fall just before Halloween that the surreal became my harsh, cruel reality. Five years of rebuilding...going back to school, juggling several part-time jobs, searching for a new job, moving many times to make a new home for myself, rebuilding a support network, making new friends, saying good-bye to some, trying to keep in touch with others as our lives take separate paths, taking risks, living more aware and freely, landing my first full-time job in my new career, getting that first year under my belt, learning to love again, getting my heart broken, trying to be more in the moment, learning to trust myself, relearning to trust others, taking that risk in love yet again, and refocusing on the now and the blessings I have and not what was or wished to be. It has been a long time and in many ways I continue on the journey of rebuilding, but I will never have what I once had...both a loss and a gift.
My point is that I have been in almost a survival mode that tries to find some semblance of balance in living...to appreciate the little things and the wonderfully big blessings. I have grown tired and I long for a break or breakthrough. In some ways, I want all of these efforts in rebuilding to mean something. I know myself and I take great pride in my work. It is more than just a job for me. But, I need balance, too. My work cannot be my everything because only so much is in your control and I do not want to depend on someone else for my happiness. So, now I try to temper my efforts at work and awaken the other paths to happiness...through relationship and pleasure. I've focused so much on the work part, it can be difficult to take that much needed step back.
I have to give myself permission to be more than...
Sunday, July 14, 2013
Oh, Who Am I Kidding!
Oh, alright! So, yes, it does feel like I am settling into a new phase of my life. Or as referenced in a previous post, that not only does it feel like I am entering a new chapter, but that it is a new part of the story. It's like the kind of book that reads over a lifetime and it is not only broken down in chapters, but collections of chapters in parts. That's where I am.
"Maybe Part II is about shoring up my new career, finding work/life balance, living as a single (at the moment), childless (for now) lady, and cultivating the relationships of friends, family and romantic partner with a sensitivity to balance."
However, as much as I would like IF to be out of the picture. It is not. It may not be front and center, but it will always be part of me. And while my blog may focus on more my life and its current status, the IF thing may still pop up from time to time because I will come across things that will bring me pause and come back to it.
I think my reassessment post was about putting more distance between IF and my current self. I am also trying to give myself the space to let go and just be me...live with what I have right now in the moment. Children are not part of this moment, at least in the traditional sense. I liken what I am experiencing to almost like being on a break, or at least in a sort of parallel way like some of those who experience IF when they "stop trying" for a period of time...whether by choice or not. Biologically I can most likely still have a child, but I am not in a relationship or place in my life where I am actively trying. So, that seems to put me in the childless category-ish. But, that could change depending on how my life unfolds in the next few years. So, it is not like I am completely letting go of the dream of motherhood.
In the mean time, for my own sanity and to help myself from feeling like my life is completely on hold, I need to let go and accept my life and where it is right now. It is a healthy thing. It is mental shift away from feeling like I am sitting on the sidelines of life. I am trying to appreciate what I do have in my life in the moment...a really good job, a new home in Florida, boyfriend and family & friends who love me.
IF, motherhood and babies are falling away to the side. In many ways it is freeing. The focus is on me and not what I wish I had. The dream is not forgotten, but stored away for maybe another time if that space opens up. That pressure is diminishing. And it gives me more mental room to enjoy my current priorities. Not everyone's life is about children. Children and families are important, but not more important than a childless person's happiness or big events. As a wise friend said, happy is what you make of it.
"Maybe Part II is about shoring up my new career, finding work/life balance, living as a single (at the moment), childless (for now) lady, and cultivating the relationships of friends, family and romantic partner with a sensitivity to balance."
However, as much as I would like IF to be out of the picture. It is not. It may not be front and center, but it will always be part of me. And while my blog may focus on more my life and its current status, the IF thing may still pop up from time to time because I will come across things that will bring me pause and come back to it.
I think my reassessment post was about putting more distance between IF and my current self. I am also trying to give myself the space to let go and just be me...live with what I have right now in the moment. Children are not part of this moment, at least in the traditional sense. I liken what I am experiencing to almost like being on a break, or at least in a sort of parallel way like some of those who experience IF when they "stop trying" for a period of time...whether by choice or not. Biologically I can most likely still have a child, but I am not in a relationship or place in my life where I am actively trying. So, that seems to put me in the childless category-ish. But, that could change depending on how my life unfolds in the next few years. So, it is not like I am completely letting go of the dream of motherhood.
In the mean time, for my own sanity and to help myself from feeling like my life is completely on hold, I need to let go and accept my life and where it is right now. It is a healthy thing. It is mental shift away from feeling like I am sitting on the sidelines of life. I am trying to appreciate what I do have in my life in the moment...a really good job, a new home in Florida, boyfriend and family & friends who love me.
IF, motherhood and babies are falling away to the side. In many ways it is freeing. The focus is on me and not what I wish I had. The dream is not forgotten, but stored away for maybe another time if that space opens up. That pressure is diminishing. And it gives me more mental room to enjoy my current priorities. Not everyone's life is about children. Children and families are important, but not more important than a childless person's happiness or big events. As a wise friend said, happy is what you make of it.
Sunday, June 30, 2013
Reassessment
I've realized that I haven't been typing much on my blog lately. There have been a couple of posts lingering in the back of my mind that I've been thinking about writing. But then, there are days that I just don't do it. I guess this blog had been a place for me to process some of my losses while giving myself some credit in plugging away at rebuilding my life. But I wonder if that is changing.
I've come to a place where I kind of feel tired of writing about IF and try and do think about it less. But, I'm also trying to figure out where I fit in the world. It's a combination of past, present and future selves.
Divorced.
Single.
Girlfriend.
IF'er...of the past.
Childless...at the moment.
Once a wife.
Daughter.
Sister.
Cousin.
Friend.
Godmother.
Teacher.
Student.
Mobile Therapist.
Maybe married person again someday.
Maybe Mom down the road, if given the chance.
Lady who works with kids at a hospital...playing, comforting, guiding (a.k.a. Child Life Specialist).
How do I identify myself? For myself? To others...those close within my circle and those on the outside? Some parts of me are kept a little hidden, not exactly advertising them and wanting to be private. Some of those parts that are below the surface. I'd like to keep them there, but sometimes something happens and they come bubbling up, almost screaming in my face.
For instance, lately there is a range in how people respond to my answer to their question if I have any children. Some say that I still have time. Others say I had better get serious if I want it to happen. Then the new wrinkle, that I work with kids so I must not really need or want any of my own. Some hint that I must be caught up in my career to be concerned with having children. Are you implying that because I don't have children that my fate has been decided? Is it assumed I must not want them or it is too late?
Do I really feel like writing about this stuff when I am trying to move on with my life? But maybe through writing about it, it does help me to pass through the pain and get to the other side? I want to be living in the moment. And if I am living in the moment, do I want to spend my time writing about it or just get to the business of living it?
Then I think about work/life balance. To be honest, work has taken up a huge chunk of my time. It is to be expected with starting a new career and working at a new hospital. But, I want my life to be more. It has to be more. I love my job and I feel my work is meaningful, it has purpose. But I have to remember to invest in me. I'm not going to write about work here. And since that has been a lot of my life, I sometimes feel I haven't had much to share.
However, another big part of my life has been in developing new friendships, trying to maintain old friendships and enjoying the developing romantic relationship with my boyfriend.
Maybe the maintaining old friendships it is one reason why I have kept up my blog. I do not want to say good-bye to my friends that I have made from my IF journey. I have a hard time letting go. When people are in different phases or chapters in life, it can sometimes be tricky to relate...that part takes work, effort and allowing oneself to step in another person's shoes for a moment to see what is important to them. Sometimes I am afraid of being left behind. And starting over in a new place can be slow moving and difficult. Making friends when you are older is not easy. People are more established, have their routines, community and priorities.
Do I keep writing? What do I write?
Life has been work, family, boyfriend and friends (trying to make new ones and hoping to stay connected to old ones). Family seems to be on hold--they are all so far away. We call, Facebook and text. Is it enough? I'm hoping my move to my new apartment will help give me more flexibility to see them. But, they are busy and have their priorities, too. But at least with family, they really understand and can be more forgiving of the distance thing. They continue to cheer me on from afar, as my heart wishes it could physically be closer. But, to be fair, there are dear friends who are like family and we can be there for each other even if large chunks of time pass. Those are the friendships to cherish, a mutual understanding that life gets busy sometimes, but you can pick up right where you left off.
Well, this post has been a bit of everywhere. Maybe it is a bit of a window of what I have been mulling over the past several weeks. What is the purpose of my blog? Is it changing or is it that with my life going in another direction, so too will my blog?
There have been many chapters since starting my blog. Maybe Part I is coming to a close, the chapters about grieving the loss of motherhood and my marriage, taking on the adventure of dating and new relationships, being a student and looking for employment.
Maybe Part II is about shoring up my new career, finding work/life balance, living as a single (at the moment), childless (for now) lady, and cultivating the relationships of friends, family and romantic partner with a sensitivity to balance.
I've come to a place where I kind of feel tired of writing about IF and try and do think about it less. But, I'm also trying to figure out where I fit in the world. It's a combination of past, present and future selves.
Divorced.
Single.
Girlfriend.
IF'er...of the past.
Childless...at the moment.
Once a wife.
Daughter.
Sister.
Cousin.
Friend.
Godmother.
Teacher.
Student.
Mobile Therapist.
Maybe married person again someday.
Maybe Mom down the road, if given the chance.
Lady who works with kids at a hospital...playing, comforting, guiding (a.k.a. Child Life Specialist).
How do I identify myself? For myself? To others...those close within my circle and those on the outside? Some parts of me are kept a little hidden, not exactly advertising them and wanting to be private. Some of those parts that are below the surface. I'd like to keep them there, but sometimes something happens and they come bubbling up, almost screaming in my face.
For instance, lately there is a range in how people respond to my answer to their question if I have any children. Some say that I still have time. Others say I had better get serious if I want it to happen. Then the new wrinkle, that I work with kids so I must not really need or want any of my own. Some hint that I must be caught up in my career to be concerned with having children. Are you implying that because I don't have children that my fate has been decided? Is it assumed I must not want them or it is too late?
Do I really feel like writing about this stuff when I am trying to move on with my life? But maybe through writing about it, it does help me to pass through the pain and get to the other side? I want to be living in the moment. And if I am living in the moment, do I want to spend my time writing about it or just get to the business of living it?
Then I think about work/life balance. To be honest, work has taken up a huge chunk of my time. It is to be expected with starting a new career and working at a new hospital. But, I want my life to be more. It has to be more. I love my job and I feel my work is meaningful, it has purpose. But I have to remember to invest in me. I'm not going to write about work here. And since that has been a lot of my life, I sometimes feel I haven't had much to share.
However, another big part of my life has been in developing new friendships, trying to maintain old friendships and enjoying the developing romantic relationship with my boyfriend.
Maybe the maintaining old friendships it is one reason why I have kept up my blog. I do not want to say good-bye to my friends that I have made from my IF journey. I have a hard time letting go. When people are in different phases or chapters in life, it can sometimes be tricky to relate...that part takes work, effort and allowing oneself to step in another person's shoes for a moment to see what is important to them. Sometimes I am afraid of being left behind. And starting over in a new place can be slow moving and difficult. Making friends when you are older is not easy. People are more established, have their routines, community and priorities.
Do I keep writing? What do I write?
Life has been work, family, boyfriend and friends (trying to make new ones and hoping to stay connected to old ones). Family seems to be on hold--they are all so far away. We call, Facebook and text. Is it enough? I'm hoping my move to my new apartment will help give me more flexibility to see them. But, they are busy and have their priorities, too. But at least with family, they really understand and can be more forgiving of the distance thing. They continue to cheer me on from afar, as my heart wishes it could physically be closer. But, to be fair, there are dear friends who are like family and we can be there for each other even if large chunks of time pass. Those are the friendships to cherish, a mutual understanding that life gets busy sometimes, but you can pick up right where you left off.
Well, this post has been a bit of everywhere. Maybe it is a bit of a window of what I have been mulling over the past several weeks. What is the purpose of my blog? Is it changing or is it that with my life going in another direction, so too will my blog?
There have been many chapters since starting my blog. Maybe Part I is coming to a close, the chapters about grieving the loss of motherhood and my marriage, taking on the adventure of dating and new relationships, being a student and looking for employment.
Maybe Part II is about shoring up my new career, finding work/life balance, living as a single (at the moment), childless (for now) lady, and cultivating the relationships of friends, family and romantic partner with a sensitivity to balance.
Monday, March 18, 2013
Removing Relationship Hurts In Earnest
"The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them." ~ Ernest Hemingway
So, as I am entering the beginning of a new relationship, I have been putting in some effort thinking about how to clear out some of my emotional baggage--the possible roadblocks that could bring challenges into this relationship. In someways this is unavoidable because your past is part of what makes you who you are in the present. It has nothing to do with them. But alas, it is the present partner that is left to deal with the other's past hurts, especially if unresolved. My hope is that a mature approach will win.
Please know that things are going well and it is still early in my present relationship. We are in a great place where it still feels new and in that cozy space of looking forward to getting to know each other more. It is a special time to be romantically giddy, to drink in its innocence and to just be.
However, I was recently reminded of how past hurts can quickly resurface when I had an internal knee jerk reaction to a question from a coworker. It was a request to help watch her dogs while she went to the beach for part of the weekend. It really was kind of her to think of me since she thought my guy was out of town for the weekend. But, she had mixed up the weekends and it was last weekend that he was away. So, the plans my guy and I had were still in tact.
My momentary panic was because in my two significant relationships, both men had, in different ways, made plans without me and I felt really hurt. Not cool to apply for a job two hours away and not tell me, and not cool to plan a vacation for yourself and tell me a few days before leaving for it. In hindsight, they were both running.
But, I have to give myself some credit for not getting ahead of myself, nor misdirecting these feelings of rejection. I told myself, "Stop. This is not (fill in name of previous arse)." Remaining composed and not jumping to conclusions, the misunderstanding quickly resolved itself. Whew!
What was left was my lurking concern of past hurts that may be trouble ahead for me. Trust is clearly an issue. I know this. It is not the first time I have wondered if I will be able to find resolve in my issues of trusting a man. Not being sure where to go with rebuilding that trust, I have just sat on the thought.
Then, I came across a dating article online with quotes of wisdom for meaningful love. I clicked on the link feeling slightly pessimistic that the quotes would be predictable fru fru stuff. However, Ernest Hemingway's words stayed with me. It seems to go along a similar pathway with that of forgiveness. First you have to want it in your heart, then over time it will happen. It is about taking that risk again. Trust, much like love, is an action and it is something you choose to do everyday, every moment.
So, it seems the simplest answer to my question of trust is to just to do it.
So, as I am entering the beginning of a new relationship, I have been putting in some effort thinking about how to clear out some of my emotional baggage--the possible roadblocks that could bring challenges into this relationship. In someways this is unavoidable because your past is part of what makes you who you are in the present. It has nothing to do with them. But alas, it is the present partner that is left to deal with the other's past hurts, especially if unresolved. My hope is that a mature approach will win.
Please know that things are going well and it is still early in my present relationship. We are in a great place where it still feels new and in that cozy space of looking forward to getting to know each other more. It is a special time to be romantically giddy, to drink in its innocence and to just be.
However, I was recently reminded of how past hurts can quickly resurface when I had an internal knee jerk reaction to a question from a coworker. It was a request to help watch her dogs while she went to the beach for part of the weekend. It really was kind of her to think of me since she thought my guy was out of town for the weekend. But, she had mixed up the weekends and it was last weekend that he was away. So, the plans my guy and I had were still in tact.
My momentary panic was because in my two significant relationships, both men had, in different ways, made plans without me and I felt really hurt. Not cool to apply for a job two hours away and not tell me, and not cool to plan a vacation for yourself and tell me a few days before leaving for it. In hindsight, they were both running.
But, I have to give myself some credit for not getting ahead of myself, nor misdirecting these feelings of rejection. I told myself, "Stop. This is not (fill in name of previous arse)." Remaining composed and not jumping to conclusions, the misunderstanding quickly resolved itself. Whew!
What was left was my lurking concern of past hurts that may be trouble ahead for me. Trust is clearly an issue. I know this. It is not the first time I have wondered if I will be able to find resolve in my issues of trusting a man. Not being sure where to go with rebuilding that trust, I have just sat on the thought.
Then, I came across a dating article online with quotes of wisdom for meaningful love. I clicked on the link feeling slightly pessimistic that the quotes would be predictable fru fru stuff. However, Ernest Hemingway's words stayed with me. It seems to go along a similar pathway with that of forgiveness. First you have to want it in your heart, then over time it will happen. It is about taking that risk again. Trust, much like love, is an action and it is something you choose to do everyday, every moment.
So, it seems the simplest answer to my question of trust is to just to do it.
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Dating Hesitation
Since moving to Orlando, I have been fortunate to have gone on a few dates. It has been fun meeting new people while attracting the attention of some nice men. One guy wasn't a good match for me. He was a nice guy, just not quite the right fit. Another guy was a lot of fun, but he lives a little ways away on the beach. I get the impression he is still balancing some things in his life and the distance thing does not help that. Or maybe I wasn't a match for him?
But, I am okay with accepting if the fit is just not there in the early phase of dating and then moving onto the next possibility. I think I am improving in that area and not taking it as personal. It is a good thing to feel comfortable in not feeling like I have to settle for an okay fit or good enough. I value wanting there to be more of connection that is satisfying for both people. I want a relationship that I can enjoy and that they enjoy with me. I want to share a life with someone. I want to have fun and look forward to seeing them.
Then with the most recent guy, it's still kind of early and I am trying to take things slowly. I'm trying to return to this approach in general because I think it will help me to get to know the person better to head off getting clouded and confused. Once I am emotionally attached it is easier for me to overlook or forgive behaviors, flaws or synchronicity that is off where it may not be the best match.
I have found myself with that familiar feeling of being tickled when I get to see him. He is easy to talk to about similar interests and what is happening in life. He is kind, open and insightful. However, when we went on a few dates, I found my nerves bubbling up and getting the best of me. I was thinking too much and not in the moment. Panic was setting in and it was freaking me out.
In part, I realize that I feel a little more pressure with dating now than I did before when I lived in Pittsburgh. When I was in Pittsburgh and I first started dating again, it was an adventure. At first I didn't take it too seriously because I figured that if things didn't work out, that I would be leaving after graduation. The plan was to get my degree, get a job and get the heck out of there. Pittsburgh was supposed to be temporary. It was kind of liberating and allowed me to be more in the moment. Then I met and fell in love with RJ, which was not part of the plan. I was coming to a place of happy acceptance that life is not always what you plan and some the best stuff can pop into your life when you least expect it. My thoughts and hopes for my future shifted towards envisioning a life in Pittsburgh with RJ. However, that relationship ended and I became open to leaving town, again. This time it was with a heart with mixed emotions. It was an opportunity to embrace a fresh start, but it meant distance from the people who became my very close friends and confidants. Pittsburgh crept into my heart and I made it my home. It was bitter sweet for me to leave.
Now dating feels more real, like the stakes have been raised and there is less room for error, for heartbreak. It was so difficult for me to live in the same neighborhood as RJ after the relationship ended. There were so many reminders of him. There was a history with A~, but he left town. Part of me is afraid that if things start and end with someone in Orlando, I wouldn't have a place to run. I am afraid of getting hurt again. And I think this is silly. Lots of people start and end relationships where they live and they reestablish themselves. And dating should be fun and it should be an adventure!
Finally, I have been worried that if things got more serious with the most recent guy and if it ended, I'm worried about possibly hurting him. I want to keep things more light and breezy. He has stated that he likes me, but knows and is understanding that I want to take things slowly. But, I don't want to hurt him, and kind of selfishly I don't want to deal with the emotional fallout in how it may impact me. Insert where I know I am being contradictory of myself because I have been angry and suspect that RJ did that very thing to me. It's holding me back, I can feel it and it has been bothering me.
The recent guy is a grown man and makes his own choices. I should not be trying to be responsible for him not getting hurt. We each have a responsibility to be honest and respectful with each other. But, each person is responsible for their own feelings and the risks they take. There is some element of trust in there.
With these realizations, it has helped me to understand what I think is the root of my problem. I am feeling a little better being able to identify my worries. Hopefully, I can let go of them and get back to being more relaxed, present and authentic...to just be me! It's got to be all in to give me, him and us a chance to see if it can begin and to see where it may lead.
But, I am okay with accepting if the fit is just not there in the early phase of dating and then moving onto the next possibility. I think I am improving in that area and not taking it as personal. It is a good thing to feel comfortable in not feeling like I have to settle for an okay fit or good enough. I value wanting there to be more of connection that is satisfying for both people. I want a relationship that I can enjoy and that they enjoy with me. I want to share a life with someone. I want to have fun and look forward to seeing them.
Then with the most recent guy, it's still kind of early and I am trying to take things slowly. I'm trying to return to this approach in general because I think it will help me to get to know the person better to head off getting clouded and confused. Once I am emotionally attached it is easier for me to overlook or forgive behaviors, flaws or synchronicity that is off where it may not be the best match.
I have found myself with that familiar feeling of being tickled when I get to see him. He is easy to talk to about similar interests and what is happening in life. He is kind, open and insightful. However, when we went on a few dates, I found my nerves bubbling up and getting the best of me. I was thinking too much and not in the moment. Panic was setting in and it was freaking me out.
In part, I realize that I feel a little more pressure with dating now than I did before when I lived in Pittsburgh. When I was in Pittsburgh and I first started dating again, it was an adventure. At first I didn't take it too seriously because I figured that if things didn't work out, that I would be leaving after graduation. The plan was to get my degree, get a job and get the heck out of there. Pittsburgh was supposed to be temporary. It was kind of liberating and allowed me to be more in the moment. Then I met and fell in love with RJ, which was not part of the plan. I was coming to a place of happy acceptance that life is not always what you plan and some the best stuff can pop into your life when you least expect it. My thoughts and hopes for my future shifted towards envisioning a life in Pittsburgh with RJ. However, that relationship ended and I became open to leaving town, again. This time it was with a heart with mixed emotions. It was an opportunity to embrace a fresh start, but it meant distance from the people who became my very close friends and confidants. Pittsburgh crept into my heart and I made it my home. It was bitter sweet for me to leave.
Now dating feels more real, like the stakes have been raised and there is less room for error, for heartbreak. It was so difficult for me to live in the same neighborhood as RJ after the relationship ended. There were so many reminders of him. There was a history with A~, but he left town. Part of me is afraid that if things start and end with someone in Orlando, I wouldn't have a place to run. I am afraid of getting hurt again. And I think this is silly. Lots of people start and end relationships where they live and they reestablish themselves. And dating should be fun and it should be an adventure!
Finally, I have been worried that if things got more serious with the most recent guy and if it ended, I'm worried about possibly hurting him. I want to keep things more light and breezy. He has stated that he likes me, but knows and is understanding that I want to take things slowly. But, I don't want to hurt him, and kind of selfishly I don't want to deal with the emotional fallout in how it may impact me. Insert where I know I am being contradictory of myself because I have been angry and suspect that RJ did that very thing to me. It's holding me back, I can feel it and it has been bothering me.
The recent guy is a grown man and makes his own choices. I should not be trying to be responsible for him not getting hurt. We each have a responsibility to be honest and respectful with each other. But, each person is responsible for their own feelings and the risks they take. There is some element of trust in there.
With these realizations, it has helped me to understand what I think is the root of my problem. I am feeling a little better being able to identify my worries. Hopefully, I can let go of them and get back to being more relaxed, present and authentic...to just be me! It's got to be all in to give me, him and us a chance to see if it can begin and to see where it may lead.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)