This week, a blog post by The Polka-Dot Umbrella really resonated with me. It was titled Where Making Plans and Infertility Intersect. The author was able to put into words things that I have had related thoughts.
She talks about the emotional pain of infertility and the difficulty of helping others to understand. But she also experiences a breakthrough with her cousin because they are able to stick with the conversation to get to the meat of understanding what the other is asking and trying to express. It is a moment of the joining of two minds for deeper clarity and understanding.
She also talks about the difficult struggle of work-life balance when the life part is also trying to balance maybe baby and living the life you have now. It is a lot to juggle. You want a career and a child. You don't want to feel like you have to pick one. It is hard to just pick baby at the cost of your career if baby never comes.
The part that spoke most to me was after sometime, "you stop making plans. You stop putting your life on hold for something that may never happen." For me, I am trying very hard to live the life I have now. I don't want to miss out on what is going on around me for something that may not come to be. But, what makes it so hard to let go is the fear that if I "stop" hoping for a child, then it will just not ever happen...that somehow I must not have wanted it badly enough.
The logical part of my brain knows this is not true. But, my heart struggles. It wants to hope a hope that is real and full, but not so loudly that it drowns out all else around it. Just because I want to temper this hope or place it on a temporary shelf doesn't mean the I want it any less. My life just needs to be more than.
This is so, so hard. It's so hard to try to have a life outside of infertility, especially when there's so much pressure to try SO HARD and make it into your life. I had a period of time where everything I did was around infertility and acupuncture and maya massage and yoga and preparing body and mind for pregnancy, and honestly I feel like the end result was the same (nada) and I missed some opportunities to be a whole person elsewhere. But, it had to happen for me to realize that I guess. So if you can realize that you want your life to be "More than" before you swallow up your choices and dreams with everything infertility, that is wonderful and something to celebrate! Putting your life on hold completely doesn't make you a better mom-to-be or a harder "tryer," but for some it may seem like the best path. Do your path. I think living your life for more is super healthy, and your baby if and when he/she comes will appreciate the person you are for it. :) Peace to you!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Jess. So many good points. Good reminder, "Do your path." And yes, to find peace in that. :)
ReplyDeleteI'm glad that at least your head knows that isn't true, and that it may be able to raise its voice loud enough to speak firmly to your heart. I love this: "I am trying very hard to live the life I have now." We all need to do that, regardless of the situation. It's so hard but so important.
ReplyDeleteYes. And it takes continued practice, which is why I try to remind myself of that. And sometimes it takes time or a want to eventually get there.
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