This week, a blog post by The Polka-Dot Umbrella really resonated with me. It was titled Where Making Plans and Infertility Intersect. The author was able to put into words things that I have had related thoughts.
She talks about the emotional pain of infertility and the difficulty of helping others to understand. But she also experiences a breakthrough with her cousin because they are able to stick with the conversation to get to the meat of understanding what the other is asking and trying to express. It is a moment of the joining of two minds for deeper clarity and understanding.
She also talks about the difficult struggle of work-life balance when the life part is also trying to balance maybe baby and living the life you have now. It is a lot to juggle. You want a career and a child. You don't want to feel like you have to pick one. It is hard to just pick baby at the cost of your career if baby never comes.
The part that spoke most to me was after sometime, "you stop making plans. You stop putting your life on hold for something that may never happen." For me, I am trying very hard to live the life I have now. I don't want to miss out on what is going on around me for something that may not come to be. But, what makes it so hard to let go is the fear that if I "stop" hoping for a child, then it will just not ever happen...that somehow I must not have wanted it badly enough.
The logical part of my brain knows this is not true. But, my heart struggles. It wants to hope a hope that is real and full, but not so loudly that it drowns out all else around it. Just because I want to temper this hope or place it on a temporary shelf doesn't mean the I want it any less. My life just needs to be more than.