Car Drama

So, much has been settled from my divorce.  The only legal thing that has tied us together has been my car.  Even though we agreed the car would be mine, it still had to remain in both of our names because there were still payments left on it.  Talk about a pain in the butt when I moved to Florida and had to get a new title and registration.  However, once the car was paid off, it would be transferred to solely me.

Car was paid off in May.  I started looking into the details of the new title ahead of time so I would be prepared.  I waited for the pay off letter to email my prior spouse so there was proof no money was owed on it.  The process should have been very simple because it was an electronic title.  But, no.  He had to go and complicate things and lie about it!

I made two trips to the DMV.  And there were additional costs because he had the title printed and mailed to him.  He was caught in his lie of saying he was looking into it when the DMV shared with me the date he requested the paper title to be printed.  Fortunately, I had options.  Since I had legal documentation that the car was mine and a power of attorney document for the car from my prior out of state registering process, they could wait 30 days and consider that the paper title was "lost."  Then, I could request a new one to be printed and get it all switched over to me.  Or he could sign and appropriately mark the box on the paper title and send it to me.  He lied again about putting it in the mail, which I called him out on it.  But, either way I was returning to the DMV and going to get my car.  Fortunately, it came in the mail the day before I went to the DMV.  So, while the electronic title would have been the cheapest and fastest route, it would have been most expensive to go the title "lost" route.

Why?!  Why complicate things when you were the one to so quickly want me out of your life?  I was proud of myself for keeping the email communications brief and to the point.  I initially believed him when he said he was still looking into the details.  My blood wanted to boil when the lady at the DMV told me he had already requested a paper title and that it had been mailed to him about three weeks ago.  Really?!  You are "looking into things?"  I was seriously concerned he was going to try to take my car.

Then once it was all signed and done, I felt a little sad and almost teared up.  I took a deep breath and put it behind me at the DMV.  The sadness surprised me.  I figured that would come with the annulment, not a car.  But maybe it was because he hasn't participated in the annulment process and has just ignored it (making  it even longer), and that the car was the last thing we had reason to communicate.  I thought I would have felt relief.

But I didn't, just sad.  Not a sad that I miss him.  Not a sad that this would be the last time to "speak" to each other (if you count email).  Not a sad that I wanted him back.

Maybe a sad for that distant loss.  Maybe sad for a good-bye that was never said.  Maybe a sad to honor what had once been cherished, loved and important.

Arm Wrap Up

Yesterday was my last session of PT for my shoulder.  There were a lot of emotions.  Nearly eight months of therapy after a failed attempt of treatment from another care provider and fourteen months since the injury.

I am thankful for being able to get a second opinion and to then get the care I really needed and advocated to get in the first place.  I am thankful for the doctor who believed my pain and that I should not settle for partial healing and movement of my arm.  I am thankful that he referred me to a fantastic PT group who also took my concerns as real and my desire to get better as true.  The new doctor and PT group found it reasonable for me to want to be able to put on a coat without pain or hook my bra when getting dressed in the morning or to be able to sleep through the night.  They recognized that my injury and healing process were atypical and were not going to give up.  They were able to work with my injury so that I could avoid surgery or manipulation under anesthesia.

It took a long time, and with very slow and steady progress.  They did not place blame or make me feel badly for it taking so long to recover.  They focused on the forward progress no matter how small.  They acknowledged my efforts and were my cheerleaders.  They listened to all of the little, subtle details of what I observed or noticed along the way to make adjustments or tweaks in their treatment plan.  They did not make me feel silly for being frustrated by some of the limitations I had experienced in my range of motion.   They were glad that I wanted to be able to throw a baseball again or reach for the cereal on the top shelf or be able to make snow angels.  I did not just want to settle for partial results.  Sure, I may not get back to exactly how my arm was before the accident.  But, I don't have to settle for good enough.  They understood that I wanted to get back to as close to my normal, which may be a bit farther than most because of me being hypermobile or naturally more flexible.  It was not a crazy expectation or unrealistic.  It was just me wanting to be me again.

So, before I left on that last day, I thanked the PT therapists who worked with me.  I also thanked other staff for their patience and kindness.  Once I stepped out of the hospital, I cried a little bit.  Tears of relief, tears of saying good-bye and tears of thankfulness.  Hopefully, it is over and my arm can heal that last five percent on its own with my own exercise, regular living and time.  I am walking away feeling confident in the medical care I finally received.

Mopey March

Hopefully, this is the last retrospective post for a while.  I want to get back into writing more regularly.  I feel better when I do write.  It is cathartic.

So, March highlights:

• Still looking for employment and on the roller coaster ride of highs and lows of the job leads.  It is always a good idea to do your research while filling out applications and when preparing for interviews.  But in that research process, I start to picture my life in the alternate possibility and I get my hopes up.  It helps to build my confidence up, get excited about the position and I interview better.  However, when I learn an answer is no, it is very sad for me.  I try to remind myself to take a deep breath and to keep trying.
• Life has felt imbalanced in that I feel like I am always working--trying to find a job, going to appointments for my arm and moving.  Super happy to be moving in with T~, but moving is stressful.  It is not uncommon for people to revert to old patterns or habits when they are under stress.  I found myself unnecessarily walking on eggshells wanting T~ to be happy.  He noticed the overcompensation and thankfully called me on it in a loving, kind way.  I told him I realized that I was feeling apprehensive about being happy about us moving in together because it was almost like waiting for the other shoe to drop.  So many times in my life has it seemed that good things were on the horizon or within my grasp for a short time only to fall apart or to be taken away.  Fear is a terrible thing and I am trying to let it go and be more trusting that life is going to turn out okay.
• I have found myself pulling away from people.  I get the feeling that I want to crawl into a hole and hide.  My pride is hurt and I feel embarrassed.  But, when I do spend time with friends and family, I feel better and refreshed.  I am grieving leaving my last job because I miss the good work I was doing, miss my co-workers and had hoped for so much--especially because I had hoped they would start hospital school services.  But, other parts of it were not a good fit.  I know that and take comfort in those that share how much they valued me as being part of the team.  I am thankful for their support as I find my next position.
• Leaving my apartment was emotional.  It never really felt like home.  I liked my first apartment in Orlando better.  It felt more like home and had many more happy memories there.  This last apartment was during a change in the tide, one that I was hopeful would bring many good changes.  Then my career took a different turn and I am sad about that.  However, my relationship with T~ continued to grow.  But in the process of searching for a new job, I feel like some aspects of my life with T~ are being put on hold or constrained.  It is not easy, but I am thankful for our love.  Moving in with him is a blessing, both for us and closure.
• I was also crazy sick with a terrible bug for almost two weeks right during prime moving time.  It was really hard to lay off of packing to let myself rest before the final push.  Thankfully there was help!
• Finally got to see a specialist about my shoulder!  Back at PT, but with a group associated with a hospital.  It seems that I injured my arm to a greater extent than what was initially thought.  Because I am flexible and somewhat double jointed, my shoulder snapped back into place when most people would have torn it or broken it.  Not me.  It is thought that I not only strained ligaments, tendons and muscles, but also blood vessels and nerves.  This means probably a recovery that is twice as long.  But at least I feel that I am getting proper care.  That is huge, especially because I haven't been able to sleep without pain for about six months.
• Then finally, finally--to end on a happy note--I was fortunate to do some volunteer work for a week.  It has been something I have wanted to do for a while and now grateful to be able to do so.  It was a wonderful life experience that demonstrates the power of humanity to be part of something greater--with meaning, joy and purpose.

March has been about taking it one day at a time, setting small goals and moving forward.

January Blur

This is a back dated post.  January in many ways was a very tough month for me (on top of several tough months leading into it).  I don't know how to write about it.  I did everything I could do and I feel I came out stronger and more confident in myself in the end.  However, I'm not working at the hospital.  It was not the right fit.  I took a risk.  But in starting my second career, I need a place that is more established and with more resources in place.  So, I am looking for my next career opportunity.  Please send me prayers and good vibes to find the place I am meant to be and to call home.

In the meantime, I think about what my friend Karen said and what other dear friends have said to me in the past but with a twist.  When one door closes, another one opens.  But sometimes you may have to walk down a hall to find it.  It speaks about having patience and it may take time to find the right job for me. On a good note, I am blessed with supportive friends and family.

Of course, I believe that everything happens for a reason.  That reason may still be showing itself and unfolding.  Only time will tell and I try to free my mind to possibility.

Although, maybe one reason why I came to Orlando was to meet T~.  As a matter of fact, T~ has been amazing.  And despite these challenges, our relationship has grown.  We are fantastic.  He wants me to move in with him and I am.  :)  It feels right and I love him so very much!

Reassessment

I've realized that I haven't been typing much on my blog lately.  There have been a couple of posts lingering in the back of my mind that I've been thinking about writing.  But then, there are days that I just don't do it.  I guess this blog had been a place for me to process some of my losses while giving myself some credit in plugging away at rebuilding my life.  But I wonder if that is changing.

I've come to a place where I kind of feel tired of writing about IF and try and do think about it less.  But, I'm also trying to figure out where I fit in the world.  It's a combination of past, present and future selves.

Divorced.
Single. 
Girlfriend. 
IF'er...of the past. 
Childless...at the moment. 
Once a wife. 
Daughter. 
Sister.   
Cousin. 
Friend.
Godmother. 
Teacher. 
Student.
Mobile Therapist.
Maybe married person again someday.
Maybe Mom down the road, if given the chance. 
Lady who works with kids at a hospital...playing, comforting, guiding (a.k.a. Child Life Specialist). 

How do I identify myself?  For myself?  To others...those close within my circle and those on the outside?  Some parts of me are kept a little hidden, not exactly advertising them and wanting to be private.  Some of those parts that are below the surface.   I'd like to keep them there, but sometimes something happens and they come bubbling up, almost screaming in my face.

For instance, lately there is a range in how people respond to my answer to their question if I have any children.  Some say that I still have time.  Others say I had better get serious if I want it to happen.  Then the new wrinkle, that I work with kids so I must not really need or want any of my own.  Some hint that I must be caught up in my career to be concerned with having children.  Are you implying that because I don't have children that my fate has been decided?  Is it assumed I must not want them or it is too late?

Do I really feel like writing about this stuff when I am trying to move on with my life?  But maybe through writing about it, it does help me to pass through the pain and get to the other side?  I want to be living in the moment.  And if I am living in the moment, do I want to spend my time writing about it or just get to the business of living it?

Then I think about work/life balance.  To be honest, work has taken up a huge chunk of my time.  It is to be expected with starting a new career and working at a new hospital.  But, I want my life to be more.  It has to be more.  I love my job and I feel my work is meaningful, it has purpose.  But I have to remember to invest in me.  I'm not going to write about work here.  And since that has been a lot of my life, I sometimes feel I haven't had much to share.

However, another big part of my life has been in developing new friendships, trying to maintain old friendships and enjoying the developing romantic relationship with my boyfriend.

Maybe the maintaining old friendships it is one reason why I have kept up my blog.  I do not want to say good-bye to my friends that I have made from my IF journey.  I have a hard time letting go.  When people are in different phases or chapters in life, it can sometimes be tricky to relate...that part takes work, effort and allowing oneself to step in another person's shoes for a moment to see what is important to them.  Sometimes I am afraid of being left behind.  And starting over in a new place can be slow moving and difficult.  Making friends when you are older is not easy.  People are more established, have their routines, community and priorities.

Do I keep writing?  What do I write?

Life has been work, family, boyfriend and friends (trying to make new ones and hoping to stay connected to old ones).  Family seems to be on hold--they are all so far away.  We call, Facebook and text.  Is it enough?  I'm hoping my move to my new apartment will help give me more flexibility to see them.  But, they are busy and have their priorities, too.  But at least with family, they really understand and can be more forgiving of the distance thing.  They continue to cheer me on from afar, as my heart wishes it could physically be closer.  But, to be fair, there are dear friends who are like family and we can be there for each other even if large chunks of time pass.  Those are the friendships to cherish, a mutual understanding that life gets busy sometimes, but you can pick up right where you left off. 

Well, this post has been a bit of everywhere.  Maybe it is a bit of a window of what I have been mulling over the past several weeks.  What is the purpose of my blog?  Is it changing or is it that with my life going in another direction, so too will my blog?

There have been many chapters since starting my blog.  Maybe Part I is coming to a close, the chapters about grieving the loss of motherhood and my marriage, taking on the adventure of dating and new relationships, being a student and looking for employment.

Maybe Part II is about shoring up my new career, finding work/life balance, living as a single (at the moment), childless (for now) lady, and cultivating the relationships of friends, family and romantic partner with a sensitivity to balance.

I Have to Let Go

Ugh, I have been ruminating since my last encounter with RJ and the note in the card he gave to me. He told me to wait to read it, probably so that he wouldn't have to deal with whatever fallout of emotions that may have come with it. I still don't know what to make of the time we spent in the coffee shop just before I drove out of town. I am sad and angry and relieved and disappointed.

A friend came to visit me the evening before I left Pittsburgh to give me a gift and note. It was very sweet, but what meant more to me was that she was checking in on how I was feeling. Her visit was so well timed. I just came home from dinner with another dear friend and my emotions were running high and brimming at the surface. I didn't know what to do with them. She asked me how I was feeling, and she was just so supportive and sweet. I told her how I was both excited and scared, thankful for the opportunity that was ahead and knowing that I will miss my friends in Pittsburgh.

My friend asked me if I had seen RJ. I told her no. She asked if I was planning on seeing him or if I wanted to see him.   This was a conversation that I had with two other friends and I felt lost in trying to figure out what to do.  I told her that I felt like he was hurt by my news of moving to Florida. It was a lot for me to take in and I still hadn't processed it all. Perhaps if we had more time, if we had another month, then it would have been easier. She asked me what I wanted. I told her that I did want to see RJ again before I left, but that I didn't know what I would say to him. I wouldn't want to meet with him and have it be yucky with mixed emotions and end poorly, especially since our last encounters had gone relatively well. Again, I just felt like I would just be sitting there and not knowing what to say.  My friend said there was my answer. If I didn't have anything to say to him, that was okay. We hugged and I so appreciated her asking. RJ meant so much to me. I knew it would be difficult to leave Pittsburgh having lost someone in my life who I loved and thought was a great match. I felt better about not trying to force a moment and just letting things be.

Then RJ called me the next day just as the last of my stuff was being loaded onto the truck. He asked me when I was leaving and I told him as soon as everything was packed up. He seemed surprised. I guess I figured he was calling to see if it all fit and that he could officially let someone move into the apartment. Instead, RJ asked if we could meet. He was smart in realizing that coming to the apartment with my family there would not be a good idea. I suggested that we meet somewhere like a coffee shop and he liked that idea. I think his surprise was in that he called just in time and he almost missed the window of opportunity by ten minutes.

I was glad that RJ called me for one last visit before I left Pittsburgh. I did not want to be the one to ask. We met at Starbucks. RJ was sitting at a small round table by the window by the street. The sun washed over him with a blend of natural light and shadows within the shop that lent a familiar feel. It felt like home. It was reminiscent of his home without actually being in the space. The last time I was there was to clear out my belongings. His hair was just the right amount of messy. I paused and stood from a slight distance as he was writing in the card. He looked up and I asked him if he needed me to walk around the block to give him a minute to finish. He said no and scribbled the last of his words and sealed the envelope. RJ gave me the card as I sat down, but told me to open it later. He asked me if I wanted some tea and then got it for me.

When RJ returned, he seemed to have trouble looking at me and faced his body slightly away from me. I had to laugh a bit to myself because he was looking at me puzzled as I saw the wheels turning when he commented that there was something different about me. Wait for it...wait for it... RJ finally said that he thought my hair looked a little different. It is funny how guys can get so thrown by that kind of change. It's like they know something is different, but scramble to figure it out.  Part of me was pleased because it seemed to mark distance and time apart from when we were together. It was almost a statement from me that I was moving on with my life. But that is somewhat of a front that I keep telling myself so that maybe I'll believe it, too. Then, I looked at RJ and noticed what was different about him.  He looked like he had gained weight.  It made me feel sad. There was no satisfaction in it.  Sometimes people seem to make unflattering comments if their ex gains weight like it kind of makes them feel better, but it just made me feel sad. I felt sad because it probably meant that he wasn't fully taking care of himself.

RJ carried most of the conversation, and he seemed to boast of his success. I wasn't sure if he was sharing because he felt like it was a safe time to do so because I now finally had a job and he wouldn't be rubbing it in or if he was over compensating in that we both have good things in our lives to be happy about. It was almost like he was trying to say it is all okay because if we each had good things in our careers, then somehow it would be easier to walk away. RJ was more attractive when he had less. And I felt he was missing the point. In trying to make it seem like it all worked out for each of us separately, it felt like he was trying to indirectly justify himself for breaking up with me. I felt like he was trying to make himself feel better, and sort of trying to make me feel better.  When he mentioned his parents and how much they wondered about me and how I was doing, I wanted to gouge out my eyeballs.  These were the people who told their son that they thought he should break up with me, and he did.  I wanted to tell him off. I was frustrated that he could not have the faith to stay strong in our separate times of struggle so that we could share together in the good times ahead. I didn't feel like celebrating our separate good fortunes.

But I tried to keep an open mind and take in what was most likely my last time with him. As he continued, I kind of started tuning him out in what he was saying.  We both seemed to relax a bit and faced each other and made more eye contact.  I noticed RJ's bare neck--the shape and contours of the muscles and smoothness of his skin compared to his stubble on his face. Again, his unshaven face was just the right amount. Looking at his neck I thought of the times when I snuggled up to him and could smell his cologne or when I was close to him and would kiss his neck as we made love. The sunlight in the coffee shop was just as it was in his bedroom. I missed that cozy space that felt like was a world of our own. Fleeting thoughts of memories missed passed in my mind. But this was not the RJ that I met and fell in love as time has a way making change or revealing things you did not see before the present.

At one point, our time seemed to edge on emotional. RJ had been doing most of the talking. So, I thanked him for asking me to get together because I wanted to see him, but I just didn't know what to say. I still didn't know what to say. RJ got a little glossy eyed and changed the subject, noting that he didn't want to cry in public. I later realized that I had been feeling rather numb, but trying to grasp at my emotions just below the surface. I wanted to be more in touch with my emotions at that moment, but it was too soon.

When we finished our drinks, RJ offered to walk me to the corner. It was odd to walk with him down the sidewalk to the corner that we parted on so many other occasions, once with a memorable kiss. We hugged, but it felt partly rushed and empty--not allowing room for the emotions to come to the surface. I turned to go my way and tried not to look back, pretty certain that he would not be looking back at me. As I began to jaywalk and cross the street, I looked over my shoulder for traffic and noticed RJ had done the same on his side of the street. Without realizing it, we were mirroring each other's footsteps and it broke my heart. So very close, so very close to finding real love. It makes me feel so sad that he could not see it, that he could not be strong enough and that I could not be brave enough.

I waited to open RJ's card until I had a quiet moment to myself. I was worried about what he wrote inside wondering if there would be some awful twist. But RJ's card and note were of sentiments of wishing me well. His handwriting was more controlled and consistent, seeming reflective of him getting more of his life together. He seemed to want to do the right thing, but by doing so, only made it hurt more.  He said how special I am and that he wishes for all the happiness for me. His words are almost unfair.  It made me feel like I was not good enough for him in someway.  If I was so very special, why did he let me go? Why could he not pull it together when we were couple? How was it that he just didn't feel that it fit with me when I felt it with him?

Why?

That is the question that looms and haunts me.  I have to find a way to let him go. I have to find a way to let go of all of the disappointment of what could have been. It troubles me because it shakes my confidence within myself to trust what is real or what is made up. I thought what we had was worth holding onto. How could I have been so wrong? How will I be able to tell the truth in the future?

But maybe this is what I needed.  Maybe I needed this moment to realize that RJ did not fully appreciate me or the unconditional love that I had for him.  He did not see the building strength in me that opened me up to love him even more.  RJ needs to grow up, make his own decisions in life and let go of his past hurts because it sets limits.  I saw some of my obstacles and did my emotional homework of confronting them to be able to move through them.  Freedom and strength are on the other side of forgiveness.  That is mine to keep.  I deserve someone who appreciates me, all of me without trying to change me, and is not so willing to let me go while keeping appropriate emotional boundaries as two separate people who come together to share a life together.