Four years ago, I wrote an entry about my friend, Dianne. She was the first person, outside of my previous spouse, that I confided in about IF. I had been suffering in silence for about a year when she opened up and shared her story, and it allowed me to tell the beginning of mine. She also guided me to where I could seek support from a community online, which I am forever grateful.
At the time of when I wrote the first post, my intention was to write two parts. The first part was in thanking Diane for all of her support through some very rough spots and transitions in my life. The second part was to be a celebration, which it still is. However, there are many more lessons I have learned from my friend that deserves recognition.
So, before there is part two, there should really be a part one and a half because it is often the journey and not the destination that has the rich stuff in life.
When I met Diane, she and her husband had been trying to have a child for quite some time through a variety of ways. However, they were on a break, and one that seemed to be considering if they had hit their limit. To someone who was new to this whole IF journey, and had just felt so much comfort from our mutual disclosures, it was a bit jarring. There were feelings of relief, sadness and hope that were suddenly tapped by meeting someone who had been there and really got it. It was quickly followed by feelings of confusion, fear and loneliness. How could I be learning about all of this stuff and now you all are going to stop trying? I just learned about your journey and it could be the end, without a baby?
Fortunately, unfortunately, I had an aunt and uncle whom struggled to have a child of their own and I had learned as a young preteen that each couple makes the best decisions for themselves and it is to be respected. While other couples may choose various, alternate paths to creating a family, it does not mean that every couple tries everything or for a defined amount of attempts. Every couple has their limits, which only they can know. I kept quiet. But on the inside was cheering for them, as one may tend to do at the beginning of their IF ride.
But, Diane taught me the value of stopping, whether by choice or not. It is important not to loose yourself. Take time to invest in you. Center yourself. Be kind to yourself. Love yourself. If you get a little lost, get off the roller coaster and rediscover yourself because you need the best you. When you are the best you, you will have more to give. You are special, worthy and strong. Remember, you deserve to be happy, regardless of the outcome. Be more than, always be more than.
Time passed, and Diane and her hubby decided to try and grow their family one more time. Then, part two...
Diane called with fantastic news! They were matched and were going to adopt a baby boy! Joy upon joy!!
And that was just a few months before Mother's Day four years ago. I was thrilled for my friend. She seemed to be in a place in her life that was not distracted in desperation (my feelings at the time if I was in her position, not her feelings necessarily), but a tempered hope to try one more time while living her life as it was. I believe it helped her to be more present in her joy of that moment. It was beautiful to see Diane and her husband welcome this adorable little child into their home.
This I would have shared four years ago, but time slipped by and it felt too much time had passed. Plus, I realized that while Diane and her husband adopted the little guy, it would take time through the legal system to make it fully official. So, I did not want to jinx it and justified that I could wait until his official day in court. Unfortunately, that took much longer than expected by no fault of their own. But, that day came and I was so very happy for all of them.
So, more time had passed and I told myself, next year. And this post sat in my head. But honestly, it allowed me to learn a few more things from my friend, Diane.
Part three...
Diane is a wonderful example of a mother who loves her child deeply. She is an awesome mother. It is an honor that she shares this special person and their moments together with family and friends, and that I get to see him grow up in pictures and in person. Diane and her husband are truly grateful in their blessing of their special little guy and it shows through in their pictures and stories and how they interact with him. They are realistic, too. He is a kid and kids do all kinds of stuff that we love and that drives us crazy and love some more.
Diane also seems to strike that balance of not over sharing and keeping some things just for themselves when it comes to online media. She is also mindful of others, especially those who have lost children or who are hoping to have a child one day. And Diane is not alone, as I have other friends that I have met through the IF community that do so, as well.
But, I think the other thing I learned from Diane and other mothers after IF is that "getting your happy ending" does not equate to making everything else better with no more worries. Life carries onward. And with it, there are health issues, bills, caring for the sick, disappointments, job loss, house repairs, death of a loved one, rationships to nurture, moving homes, career transitions, going back to school, loss of a pet, difficult decisions and so much more. It can be easy to get lost in the idea of an idealized, imagined life. It is important not to forget why you wanted to be a parent and to welcome a child into your family for the right reasons.
So, again, it is the journey that teaches. Sometime it is the journey that follows a moment in time, too. Thank you, Diane! Thank you to the other ladies that I met through this online community! You all have taught me so much. And in your words, Diane, ...Happy Mothering Day!
Showing posts with label mothers. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mothers. Show all posts
Sunday, May 8, 2016
Monday, May 11, 2015
Ugly Day
Some years are better than others. This was not one of them. This year I felt angry leading into Mother's Day. It is difficult to avoid social media. Mother's Day related posts on fb are not just restricted to the day. I feel that the trend on my feed this year was a bunch of "what moms really want for Mother's Day" memes. These were not sweet sentiments. These were gripey expressions of wanting more alone time, not wanting to wear crappy handmade jewelry and frustration about missteps in gift giving. The memes screamed Mom Club.
The work of being a mother is difficult. It is a job for life. It is important to make time for yourself. It is polite to accept gifts with grace. However, if someone has been unintentionally hurt by someone's gift giving choice, there may be better tact to share this information. As a person who has struggled with becoming a mother and who still dreams of one day becoming a mother, these memes feel ungrateful, insensitive and hurtful.
On the eve of Mother's Day, I wrote a brief comment on a few of the originator's memes, from where it seemed created. Generally, it expressed validation that mothers work hard and need time for themselves. But, it seems ungrateful to be complaining when there are women whom would love to have a child express their love for their mom, a person whom that child feels they are the most wonderful, loving and beautiful person in the world. There was no response.
The next day was difficult getting out of bed. I just wanted to crawl into a hole. Lately, I have felt in a dark place about motherhood and feel like it may not happen. I called my mom and wished her a Happy Mother's Day. I wish I could be closer to home. I was glad my sister was home to spend the afternoon with my parents. The Cavs won, so that made my mom happy. We sent texts back and forth about it. I love my mom.
Microblog Mondays
The work of being a mother is difficult. It is a job for life. It is important to make time for yourself. It is polite to accept gifts with grace. However, if someone has been unintentionally hurt by someone's gift giving choice, there may be better tact to share this information. As a person who has struggled with becoming a mother and who still dreams of one day becoming a mother, these memes feel ungrateful, insensitive and hurtful.
On the eve of Mother's Day, I wrote a brief comment on a few of the originator's memes, from where it seemed created. Generally, it expressed validation that mothers work hard and need time for themselves. But, it seems ungrateful to be complaining when there are women whom would love to have a child express their love for their mom, a person whom that child feels they are the most wonderful, loving and beautiful person in the world. There was no response.
The next day was difficult getting out of bed. I just wanted to crawl into a hole. Lately, I have felt in a dark place about motherhood and feel like it may not happen. I called my mom and wished her a Happy Mother's Day. I wish I could be closer to home. I was glad my sister was home to spend the afternoon with my parents. The Cavs won, so that made my mom happy. We sent texts back and forth about it. I love my mom.
Microblog Mondays
Thursday, May 8, 2014
Leading into Mother's Day
As the years pass, Mother's Day does get easier for me. I am still in that space in my life that a child could be a possibility. The acute pain is not as it was when I was actively trying to be a mother. The sorrow is more distant, somewhat of denial and somewhat of acceptance.
However, it feel like there is a greater presence in advertising for Mother's Day during the week leading into it this year. I could be wrong. But, there seems to be more news stories, advertisements on web pages, FB memes and pictures of Mother's Day teas. My plan is to avoid social media and the internet on Mother's Day, but I am finding myself having to ramp back earlier because the celebrating feels like it is extending into a week. It is good for people to express true gratitude for their moms. I just have mixed feelings. I am trying to balance protecting myself and not hiding from the world. It seems silly, selfish and sad to feel pain from expressions of love. I want to be happy for others, but I also don't want it all so much in my face.
I had a few tears when I picked out the card for my mom this year. She has been so supportive, loving and patient and I am so grateful for so wholly feeling her love. As the years pass, I become increasingly aware of my parents' mortality. They have some health issues, but they are managed for now. I cannot help but think that time is limited. It is limited just as much for me as much as it is for them, or more. If I ever get to a place of motherhood, will they be able to enjoy it? It is a question that lingers in my mind, especially as I see friends who are experiencing ill health and death with their parents.
However, it feel like there is a greater presence in advertising for Mother's Day during the week leading into it this year. I could be wrong. But, there seems to be more news stories, advertisements on web pages, FB memes and pictures of Mother's Day teas. My plan is to avoid social media and the internet on Mother's Day, but I am finding myself having to ramp back earlier because the celebrating feels like it is extending into a week. It is good for people to express true gratitude for their moms. I just have mixed feelings. I am trying to balance protecting myself and not hiding from the world. It seems silly, selfish and sad to feel pain from expressions of love. I want to be happy for others, but I also don't want it all so much in my face.
I had a few tears when I picked out the card for my mom this year. She has been so supportive, loving and patient and I am so grateful for so wholly feeling her love. As the years pass, I become increasingly aware of my parents' mortality. They have some health issues, but they are managed for now. I cannot help but think that time is limited. It is limited just as much for me as much as it is for them, or more. If I ever get to a place of motherhood, will they be able to enjoy it? It is a question that lingers in my mind, especially as I see friends who are experiencing ill health and death with their parents.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Mother's Day Thoughts (Belated)
This year was different. On a good note, I bought and sent my mom a Mother's Day card with a gift on time! Not to worry, I'm not patting my self on the back for doing what I'm supposed to be doing. But this was the first time that I had walked into the card aisle and actually picked out a card for her in a long time. I sent hand-written letters or pretty blank cards with a note for the past few years. It was just too much to be standing in that aisle and to focus on finding a card that expressed my feelings and gratitude while not completely falling apart or wanting to run out of the store. I did not want to just quickly pick up any one that would just do.
So, this year felt a little surreal as I browsed through the Mother's Day card selection. I did tear up as I was scanning to find the appropriate section as my eyes glanced across the For my Loving Wife section. I don't miss him. I miss and grieve the dream of what was to have been. And I feel frustrated because even though it hurts less, I just want to be able to let it go--to really move into a better state of acceptance where I can more fully dream new dreams. But I have to be patient and give myself credit because I did refocus and found a card that I really felt good about giving my mom. I was slightly determined not to let that other section derail me from what I came to do and I was not going to allow myself to fall into the trap of dwelling. I quickly acknowledged the part that was not so easy and then carried on with my business.
On a sad note, when I called to talk to my mom on Mother's Day, she shared with me that my grandma (my dad's mother) was not doing well. This was not surprising news because her health had been declining for several months. She had fallen and fractured her hip about two weeks before Mother's Day and I was waiting to hear how she was doing. If she didn't seem to rebound, then I knew she would most likely make a rapid turn for the worse. Two days later, my grandmother died peacefully through the night.
I have mixed emotions about my grandma's passing. She was in her 90's, so she lived a long life. She was also not diagnosed with any illness, so her death is really related to age. While her fall contributed to her decline, at least she was able to have some amount of independence and mobility towards the end of her life preserving some dignity--even if it was only really for going to the bathroom. My last memories of my grandmother are good ones because I did go visit her at the end of March. She recognized me right away, she was in good spirits and she laughed. She teased my dad about his greying hair in asking, "Tommy, where is your red hair?" However, I am sad because I did not feel a closeness with my grandma in a way that I would have liked. It took me a long time to come to a place of acceptance in this. As much as I wanted to know more about her, I felt shut out on a certain level. I always felt a distance in that our relationship was just on the surface--politely supportive. I knew she was not a warm and fuzzy kind of person, but my dad would say she would always ask about me. I wonder why she couldn't show me a deeper love?
I am glad and proud of my dad for taking the time to visit my grandma regularly--well before the end and near the end. I hope that it helps to give him closure in saying good-bye to his mother. I imagine it could not be easy to watch a parent slip away and change before the days came when her awareness was seemingly gone and she mostly slept.
I will miss her laugh and her smile--the real smile--the one with the twinkle in her eye or when her whole face would light up.
So, this year felt a little surreal as I browsed through the Mother's Day card selection. I did tear up as I was scanning to find the appropriate section as my eyes glanced across the For my Loving Wife section. I don't miss him. I miss and grieve the dream of what was to have been. And I feel frustrated because even though it hurts less, I just want to be able to let it go--to really move into a better state of acceptance where I can more fully dream new dreams. But I have to be patient and give myself credit because I did refocus and found a card that I really felt good about giving my mom. I was slightly determined not to let that other section derail me from what I came to do and I was not going to allow myself to fall into the trap of dwelling. I quickly acknowledged the part that was not so easy and then carried on with my business.
On a sad note, when I called to talk to my mom on Mother's Day, she shared with me that my grandma (my dad's mother) was not doing well. This was not surprising news because her health had been declining for several months. She had fallen and fractured her hip about two weeks before Mother's Day and I was waiting to hear how she was doing. If she didn't seem to rebound, then I knew she would most likely make a rapid turn for the worse. Two days later, my grandmother died peacefully through the night.
I have mixed emotions about my grandma's passing. She was in her 90's, so she lived a long life. She was also not diagnosed with any illness, so her death is really related to age. While her fall contributed to her decline, at least she was able to have some amount of independence and mobility towards the end of her life preserving some dignity--even if it was only really for going to the bathroom. My last memories of my grandmother are good ones because I did go visit her at the end of March. She recognized me right away, she was in good spirits and she laughed. She teased my dad about his greying hair in asking, "Tommy, where is your red hair?" However, I am sad because I did not feel a closeness with my grandma in a way that I would have liked. It took me a long time to come to a place of acceptance in this. As much as I wanted to know more about her, I felt shut out on a certain level. I always felt a distance in that our relationship was just on the surface--politely supportive. I knew she was not a warm and fuzzy kind of person, but my dad would say she would always ask about me. I wonder why she couldn't show me a deeper love?
I am glad and proud of my dad for taking the time to visit my grandma regularly--well before the end and near the end. I hope that it helps to give him closure in saying good-bye to his mother. I imagine it could not be easy to watch a parent slip away and change before the days came when her awareness was seemingly gone and she mostly slept.
I will miss her laugh and her smile--the real smile--the one with the twinkle in her eye or when her whole face would light up.
Monday, May 17, 2010
Not-So-Happy Mother's Day
I feel like crap and totally selfish. I was absolutely miserable on Mother's Day and wanted to crawl into a hole. It was worse than Valentine's Day. And I put off calling my own mother until the afternoon, which I felt completely guilty about because I love my mom dearly and she has been nothing but supportive...especially with enduring all of the crap that has been my life these past few years. She deserves more and she deserves better.
But I guess I just felt ticked off at the world with feeling like I was being dictated on when I should be expressing loving and heartfelt thank you's to mothers. I wanted to be stubborn, not have some day tell me when to share my appreciation to all the mothers out there and joining in the skipping rainbows and gushy moms are the best thing ever stuff surrounded by pink fluff and sweet flowery goodness. I even had someone wish me a happy mother's day on Friday as I left work. WTF? The first time I am wished a happy mother's day in my life and I am not even one year out of my divorce. Instead I was numb and just closed myself off.
When I talked to my mom, I wanted to tell her how I really felt on the inside. I wanted to tell her how much I appreciate her strength and unwavering support as I have gone through some of the very crappiest things in my life. I just wanted to get off of the phone because I knew I was doing a poor job of expressing any kind of genuine sentiment. I was so disappointed in myself.
And I felt crappy again when a friend of mine called to share in how terrible it was for her to deal with Mother's Day. I'm sorry, darling. I was numb and not doing a good job of supporting you in the way that I wanted. My heart aches for those who are not mothers and who so want to be mothers on this day. It is not even like Valentine's Day where you can be somewhat open about your anger. Who wants to be the jerk to openly vent about Mother's Day? It is again, one of those unspoken pains that many women carry as a burden for more reasons than I could imagine.
It wasn't until I talked to my mom today that I was able to really tell her how I feel. I told her when she comes into town that I would want celebrate her own Mother's Day. I told her I was sorry that I couldn't bring myself to really celebrate and thank her properly. She said she knew and it was why she called earlier in the week before Mother's Day. My mom had already thought it would be a real possibility the weekend could be difficult for me this year. She wanted to know how I was doing and if I was okay. (Humbly, with a gulp.) Wow. That's why I love my mom because she never stops loving me and she so often seems to be so aware and thoughtful. I don't know how she does it.
As much as I hate to admit it, this Mother's Day was just another reminder that I am not a mother and so very far away from that dream. It is just another reminder that I don't even have that someone special to share my life with to even begin to dream that dream again.
Which, that brings me to a little green sleeper and two teddy bear onesies.
I knew I was ready to give away the adoption books I had when I could look at them an not cry. I felt ready when I threw away all of the informational pamphlets from the various adoption agencies. With a deep breath and courage I knew it was time when I put the paperwork I completed from the chosen agency into the shredder. Although, I did cry when I returned the rest of the baby things I bought from the store. I was grateful for the lady behind the counter when she stopped herself from asking the reason for the returns or if there was anything wrong with the merchandise.
But I could not bring myself to return the little green sleeper and the two teddy bear onesies. I don't bring them out to look at them much. And with each rare time that I do, it hurts less. But for some reason I just cannot let them go just yet. I almost feel like if I give them up, that I am giving up on my dream of one day being a mother. When I bought them, I imagined putting them on my own Jamie baby and holding my little one. They almost represent a kind of hope, and it is a hope I am not ready to let go of yet.
But I also know that if I ever did have a child, I would not want to dress my child in those items. I know that one day I will donate them to someone in need. And maybe I will be able to detach my hope from them without having to give up on the dream. Sometimes it feels so foolish and silly to dream for a child when I don't even have the relationship to share in the dream. (And please do not tell me that I can be a mother without a husband...I don't want to do the single mother thing.)
But I guess I just felt ticked off at the world with feeling like I was being dictated on when I should be expressing loving and heartfelt thank you's to mothers. I wanted to be stubborn, not have some day tell me when to share my appreciation to all the mothers out there and joining in the skipping rainbows and gushy moms are the best thing ever stuff surrounded by pink fluff and sweet flowery goodness. I even had someone wish me a happy mother's day on Friday as I left work. WTF? The first time I am wished a happy mother's day in my life and I am not even one year out of my divorce. Instead I was numb and just closed myself off.
When I talked to my mom, I wanted to tell her how I really felt on the inside. I wanted to tell her how much I appreciate her strength and unwavering support as I have gone through some of the very crappiest things in my life. I just wanted to get off of the phone because I knew I was doing a poor job of expressing any kind of genuine sentiment. I was so disappointed in myself.
And I felt crappy again when a friend of mine called to share in how terrible it was for her to deal with Mother's Day. I'm sorry, darling. I was numb and not doing a good job of supporting you in the way that I wanted. My heart aches for those who are not mothers and who so want to be mothers on this day. It is not even like Valentine's Day where you can be somewhat open about your anger. Who wants to be the jerk to openly vent about Mother's Day? It is again, one of those unspoken pains that many women carry as a burden for more reasons than I could imagine.
It wasn't until I talked to my mom today that I was able to really tell her how I feel. I told her when she comes into town that I would want celebrate her own Mother's Day. I told her I was sorry that I couldn't bring myself to really celebrate and thank her properly. She said she knew and it was why she called earlier in the week before Mother's Day. My mom had already thought it would be a real possibility the weekend could be difficult for me this year. She wanted to know how I was doing and if I was okay. (Humbly, with a gulp.) Wow. That's why I love my mom because she never stops loving me and she so often seems to be so aware and thoughtful. I don't know how she does it.
As much as I hate to admit it, this Mother's Day was just another reminder that I am not a mother and so very far away from that dream. It is just another reminder that I don't even have that someone special to share my life with to even begin to dream that dream again.
Which, that brings me to a little green sleeper and two teddy bear onesies.
I knew I was ready to give away the adoption books I had when I could look at them an not cry. I felt ready when I threw away all of the informational pamphlets from the various adoption agencies. With a deep breath and courage I knew it was time when I put the paperwork I completed from the chosen agency into the shredder. Although, I did cry when I returned the rest of the baby things I bought from the store. I was grateful for the lady behind the counter when she stopped herself from asking the reason for the returns or if there was anything wrong with the merchandise.
But I could not bring myself to return the little green sleeper and the two teddy bear onesies. I don't bring them out to look at them much. And with each rare time that I do, it hurts less. But for some reason I just cannot let them go just yet. I almost feel like if I give them up, that I am giving up on my dream of one day being a mother. When I bought them, I imagined putting them on my own Jamie baby and holding my little one. They almost represent a kind of hope, and it is a hope I am not ready to let go of yet.
But I also know that if I ever did have a child, I would not want to dress my child in those items. I know that one day I will donate them to someone in need. And maybe I will be able to detach my hope from them without having to give up on the dream. Sometimes it feels so foolish and silly to dream for a child when I don't even have the relationship to share in the dream. (And please do not tell me that I can be a mother without a husband...I don't want to do the single mother thing.)
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