Work Life Balance

A large part of my career change was inspired from experiences volunteering in children's hospitals.  It is very humbling, heartfelt work and a privilege to help others in a time of need--to bring comfort, confidence or everyday living.  There were many small steps that all seemed to fall into place and fit very well with the wisdom that everything happens for a reason.  I loved teaching, but I am also blessed for this new direction and still being able to use my educational background to help children and families.


However, another benefit was that I was searching for a career that may lend itself better to work life balance for me.  Teaching is an art, and like many artists, the work does not leave you when you go home.  It is ever evolving and ideas crop up at anytime.  I loved and thrived on the creativity.  Sometimes it felt like I was ever problem solving in how to better teach children, help them figure it out and build a community, or at least that was how it was for me.  Summer was a time to recharge from the grind of the school year in its marathon style to prepare kids for the next step, the next grade level.  But, of course summer was not always "off," as there were classes to keep up on certification or the draw would come back and I would find myself doing some research or a mental homework of sorts in how the next year would be different.  I was very invested in my teaching and I cared a great deal for my students.  I always knew I would say good-bye at the end of the year.  And kids and families have a way of touching your heart.


Some people said that it would be different when I had kids of my own, that your priorities change.  Sometimes that left me with a bad feeling, like I cared too much about my work or that what I was doing wasn't really that important.  But one teacher told me, it is not that you care less about what you do, but that over time you figure out how to do it faster, be selective in your tasks and make room for your own children.  That seemed more reasonable and sensitive.


Then IF and divorce entered my life.  At the time I was substitute teaching after relocating for my former husband's work.  I was not sure how I was going to be able to continue teaching.  Going into the classroom broke my heart.  I was still very good at it, but there was a shift.  I realized that teaching was somehow integrated into my life dreams that were slipping away.  There was a hollow feeling of sorts, and that I was a shell of myself.  I almost felt like I was just going through the motions, which I was not so much really because I was very attuned and in the moment with my students.  But, everywhere I looked was a reminder of what was gone...a marriage, family and a dream of children.  I needed a change to give myself the space and time to heal.  It was difficult to imagine re-entering the regular classroom.  What if I never had a child of my own?  What would happen then?  Would teaching consume me?  I felt there was a slippery slope for me that I would risk becoming one-dimensional, single and alone with only dedication to my career as my life and that I would get lost.  Teaching is a noble profession, but I did not want to risk losing myself, my happiness and potential to expand as a person at a time in my life when I felt vulnerable.  Fortunately, I was self-aware to know that it would be easy for me to get lost in my work instead of true self-care.  Some people did not understand, but I was fortunate that I was able to go to graduate school full-time.  Many of the small pieces along the way pointed me towards my new career and I decided to take a chance.


While I am still finding my footing in my new career, I think I made the correct choice.  It is nice to be able to end the work day and not bring home additional work on a regular basis.  As with many jobs, there may be times that you bring work home.  But, it is considerably less and allows me to really spend more time with loved ones and friends.


Over the last several months, I have lost some of that work life balance.  Looking for new career opportunities and starting a new part-time job can kind of do that.  I has been frustrating for me because I want loved ones, family and joy in living to be important.  Sometimes it has felt like I have been in survivor mode and trying to take care of basic needs.  It is important, but after awhile there is a longing for normalcy--to be able to better enjoy free time, make plans for the future and just be.  It is one reason why I have not been writing as much in my blog.  I think that is understandable. 


Slowly, things are getting back on track to a degree.  I have had more to write about, too--actually a lot to write about.  But, I have not had the time to do so.  During the month of May, I kept a post for myself with a running list of things to blog.  So, that is what I have been doing during the first part of June, going back and writing the posts that I wanted to write.  I felt it was important for me to go back and add them in as a way to document my life and thoughts so they better reflected the timeline of them.  So, if you are now coming across this post and really want to catch up on my blog, I suggest you taking a look at May.  Hopefully, I can also get back some of that work life balance that I was in the process of learning when I left Pittsburgh and beginning to enjoy when I came to Florida.


More to come...

Fix You

Somewhere along the way this past year or so, someone said something about God that really spoke to me.  It seemed to click with a peaceful acceptance.  I have always believed that things happen for a reason.  But then someone took it a step further.  They said that God presents us with challenges for one of three reasons.  He is trying to help you to grow.  He is using you to help someone else to grow.  Or, He is moving you out of harm's way.

I like that.

So when I am feeling like I am in an emotional place of betweens, I find it helpful to listen to Coldplay's Fix You.  It is just the right balance of releasing sadness and turning towards hope.  It allows me to grieve and honor what was lost--a dream, something that showed promise or a change in direction.  Sometimes it is a person, a place or a plan.  But by listening to the music, it helps me to let go.  That is not easy for me.  I want to hold on tight.  I want to hold it all and stay in that moment.  But, that is life.  Life is change.

This is also a song I play for myself when I feel close to being afraid--just near that space before the tipping point, the anticipation of change and that somehow life will soon be significantly different.  Again, it is change and sometimes laced with fear.  But then I will listen to the song and it helps to bring me past all of those mixed up feelings.  And as the tempo rises and the music becomes more bold, I feel as though I can get through it, get beyond it and there is hope.  Sometimes I can imagine myself running in the brisk, cool air while building my speed to a sprint at the end of a great run.  It is a sense of soaring wrapped in determination and confidence.

The theme of returning home reminds me of a safe place, a place of roots and grounding where I am always loved.  It reminds me of my family and their unconditional love, supportive friends embracing joy and giving it up to God.  Letting Him fix you.

January Blur

This is a back dated post.  January in many ways was a very tough month for me (on top of several tough months leading into it).  I don't know how to write about it.  I did everything I could do and I feel I came out stronger and more confident in myself in the end.  However, I'm not working at the hospital.  It was not the right fit.  I took a risk.  But in starting my second career, I need a place that is more established and with more resources in place.  So, I am looking for my next career opportunity.  Please send me prayers and good vibes to find the place I am meant to be and to call home.

In the meantime, I think about what my friend Karen said and what other dear friends have said to me in the past but with a twist.  When one door closes, another one opens.  But sometimes you may have to walk down a hall to find it.  It speaks about having patience and it may take time to find the right job for me. On a good note, I am blessed with supportive friends and family.

Of course, I believe that everything happens for a reason.  That reason may still be showing itself and unfolding.  Only time will tell and I try to free my mind to possibility.

Although, maybe one reason why I came to Orlando was to meet T~.  As a matter of fact, T~ has been amazing.  And despite these challenges, our relationship has grown.  We are fantastic.  He wants me to move in with him and I am.  :)  It feels right and I love him so very much!

A Collision of Selves

A little over a week ago, I was at a team huddle meeting at work.  My boss was telling a story about the talent show/variety show at a local medical college for it's first graduating class.  It is not so much of the talent show from elementary school, as most people who were performing were quite talented in their performing arts.  It serves as a celebration beyond the sciences before the students have Match Day to find out their assignments for residency.  My boss was briefly cluing people into the Match Day process, where the medical students go on interviews for residency and then the students and the hospital programs rank their preferences.  All of this information is submitted into a computer program for the entire country and it does its computing and matches most all of the students to a program.  Then on Match Day, each student's name is called and they are given an envelope to open and find out where they will go for residency.  Match Day is in late March, and most students have about six weeks to finish classes and pack up and move for the next step.  The talent show/variety show is an opportunity to take pause and celebrate before the mayhem begins and everyone goes their separate ways.

My boss was very impressed and touched by the talent show/variety show experience.  As he was describing it, I found myself swept away by an emotional wave that took me back to a place I did not anticipating revisiting.  My eyes started to get teary and I had to look away and not make eye contact with anyone in the room.  All with that brief summary of Match Day, it took me back to the time when I was with A~ and going through that process.  It felt like my past life was flashing in snippets before me, with the excitement, nervousness and wonder about what was going to be the next chapter in our lives together.  I remember when he came home after the first round of interviews.  He was bounding with a brightness of fantastic possibility that we did not realize was before us.  Our initial expectation was that he was going to probably rank Pittsburgh or Cleveland as top choices.  But when he came home and told me about some of the other programs and what they had to offer, I felt it was important to be open to those other choices.  So, I went with him for other interviews and second looks to check out other cities and take it all into consideration.  It was a beautiful time when A~ and I really worked as a team and he included me in his career choices because it was going to impact our life together.  We were giddy with the new found adventure before us, and we were scared to let our parents down if we ended up in another city.  We tried to buffer the news, but we were also cautious about sharing too much because we did not want them to try to convince us otherwise.  This had to be our decision.  It was a chance to see how we could make it as a couple, and it would push us to grow in ways we could not imagine.

And so I sat there with all of these warm, bubbling memories of a life past, a life now gone.  As quickly as these moments surfaced, along came the crashing flood of sadness and grief.  I thought back to my old self, feeling sad for her not knowing what was to come.  How brave and trusting she was in her relationship with A~ and feeling like they were on the edge of something incredible.  All of the sacrifice, the dreaming and the determination of really making it together with him...gone, all very gone.  All of that work and planning and hope...all just so far away gone. 

Was it all for nothing?  Is it now meaningless?  What was the point?

And there I sat, with my job... in a hospital... in Florida... in a place that my old self would have never imagined, especially not without him by my side.  For a moment, I felt outside of my own body and I just felt so sad.

How long had it been?

Ten years.

Ten years ago this holiday season, I was out on the road traveling with him squeezing in interviews and second look visits while popping in to see our family for the holidays.

My life feels like it could be nothing further than what my old self would have or could have imagined.  And now where am I?  How was it that I came to work at a hospital?  Is it weird or strange that my life has taken this path?

What will happen in the next ten years?  How much will change?  How much will I change?  Will I be happy?  Or will I be lost and waiting?

The emotional swells have been reverberating within me, as I try to find a place of balance, strength and acceptance of my current reality.  I know I am in a place of transition once again.  I just need to be patient.  It is okay to grieve what was lost, honor it and put it down again.