Sunday, July 14, 2013

Oh, Who Am I Kidding!

Oh, alright!  So, yes, it does feel like I am settling into a new phase of my life.  Or as referenced in a previous post, that not only does it feel like I am entering a new chapter, but that it is a new part of the story.  It's like the kind of book that reads over a lifetime and it is not only broken down in chapters, but collections of chapters in parts.  That's where I am.

"Maybe Part II is about shoring up my new career, finding work/life balance, living as a single (at the moment), childless (for now) lady, and cultivating the relationships of friends, family and romantic partner with a sensitivity to balance."

However, as much as I would like IF to be out of the picture.  It is not.  It may not be front and center, but it will always be part of me.  And while my blog may focus on more my life and its current status, the IF thing may still pop up from time to time because I will come across things that will bring me pause and come back to it. 

I think my reassessment post was about putting more distance between IF and my current self.  I am also trying to give myself the space to let go and just be with what I have right now in the moment.  Children are not part of this moment, at least in the traditional sense.  I liken what I am experiencing to almost like being on a break, or at least in a sort of parallel way like some of those who experience IF when they "stop trying" for a period of time...whether by choice or not.  Biologically I can most likely still have a child, but I am not in a relationship or place in my life where I am actively trying.  So, that seems to put me in the childless category-ish.  But, that could change depending on how my life unfolds in the next few years.  So, it is not like I am completely letting go of the dream of motherhood. 

In the mean time, for my own sanity and to help myself from feeling like my life is completely on hold, I need to let go and accept my life and where it is right now.  It is a healthy thing.  It is mental shift away from feeling like I am sitting on the sidelines of life.  I am trying to appreciate what I do have in my life in the moment...a really good job, a new home in Florida, boyfriend and family & friends who love me. 

IF, motherhood and babies are falling away to the side.  In many ways it is freeing.  The focus is on me and not what I wish I had.  The dream is not forgotten, but stored away for maybe another time if that space opens up.  That pressure is diminishing.  And it gives me more mental room to enjoy my current priorities.  Not everyone's life is about children.  Children and families are important, but not more important than a childless person's happiness or big events.  As a wise friend said, happy is what you make of it.

Saturday, July 13, 2013


I don't like to think of myself as a superstitious kind of person.  But if I am honest with myself, I kind of am.  And I think my experiences with IF have probably amplified it.  Irrational fear?  A willingness to do or to avoid things that you think will influence an outcome?  Unrelated efforts and events, but trying to gain some semblance of control?  Maybe.

As an example, while my former husband and I were looking into adoption, we did not decorate the designated bedroom as a nursery for our one day hoped child .  In fact, we did not put anything inside of it.  The room was completely bare, beige carpet, white walls and an empty closet.  The room remained empty out of fear that if we had decorated the room in preparation for a baby that the baby would never come.  We also did not want to have to look at the constant reminder that our home, our arms and our hearts were feeling empty.  However, the vacant room kind of did that, too, but maybe it felt like it would hurt less...if that could be possible.  In addition, it was an act of defiance in that if we put anything else inside of it, like a spare bed or odds and ends, that the dream would be lost.  We feared that by giving the room another purpose, even if temporary, that the clutter could also chase away the possibility of a baby.  Oh, IF and its paralyzing inaction, whether by choice or not.

So, keeping this illogical, superstitious thought process in mind, it has served as a reason an excuse for not writing the second part in an intended two part post.  I was originally going to write it that same month when I realized that the first post was so long.  Plus, it seemed deserving of telling not just one side of a story, but the layers of stories within one.  Several months passed and it felt like I had waited too long and the posts would be disconnected.  Plus, I had moved and was getting settled in a new city.  So then the next plan was to write it a year later, but other things happened and I was feeling grumpy and felt the need to express those feelings.  My brain was not in a place to give the second part its true attention.  Next, I figured I could tie it into another holiday in June.  But, I was in California and chasing Big Foot and got a little distracted.

Funny thing though, this superstitious behavior has been reinforced yet again!  My friend, Diane, posted something on Facebook about some recent to love the government and all of their paperwork and great organizational skills.  (I'm sorry, is the second half of that sentence dripping with sarcasm?  Oh wait, I'm not sorry.)  After feeling sad and angry for my friend and sending her words of support for something that should hopefully be resolved soon, I had a wave of other emotions.  Yes, these feelings were very me-centered, but at least they came secondary.  These were feelings of nonsensical validation and relief...Aha!  I knew there was a reason why I waited to write that post!  So, I am giving myself permission to wait to write part two and will work on the draft in the mean time.

Have you ever had a post that you had always wanted to write or to finish?  Did it feel like it just kept coming back to you, just needing to be completed?  I think there may be hints of needing closure, but having difficulty facing some underlying feelings, too.  It's the double-edge sword, you know it will be good, but that it may also hurt, too.  And it is okay to feel happy and sad at the same time.  Feelings are not selfish.  They just are.  It is what you do with them that is important.