I've realized that I haven't been typing much on my blog lately. There have been a couple of posts lingering in the back of my mind that I've been thinking about writing. But then, there are days that I just don't do it. I guess this blog had been a place for me to process some of my losses while giving myself some credit in plugging away at rebuilding my life. But I wonder if that is changing.
I've come to a place where I kind of feel tired of writing about IF and try and do think about it less. But, I'm also trying to figure out where I fit in the world. It's a combination of past, present and future selves.
IF'er...of the past.
Childless...at the moment.
Once a wife.
Maybe married person again someday.
Maybe Mom down the road, if given the chance.
Lady who works with kids at a hospital...playing, comforting, guiding (a.k.a. Child Life Specialist).
How do I identify myself? For myself? To others...those close within my circle and those on the outside? Some parts of me are kept a little hidden, not exactly advertising them and wanting to be private. Some of those parts that are below the surface. I'd like to keep them there, but sometimes something happens and they come bubbling up, almost screaming in my face.
For instance, lately there is a range in how people respond to my answer to their question if I have any children. Some say that I still have time. Others say I had better get serious if I want it to happen. Then the new wrinkle, that I work with kids so I must not really need or want any of my own. Some hint that I must be caught up in my career to be concerned with having children. Are you implying that because I don't have children that my fate has been decided? Is it assumed I must not want them or it is too late?
Do I really feel like writing about this stuff when I am trying to move on with my life? But maybe through writing about it, it does help me to pass through the pain and get to the other side? I want to be living in the moment. And if I am living in the moment, do I want to spend my time writing about it or just get to the business of living it?
Then I think about work/life balance. To be honest, work has taken up a huge chunk of my time. It is to be expected with starting a new career and working at a new hospital. But, I want my life to be more. It has to be more. I love my job and I feel my work is meaningful, it has purpose. But I have to remember to invest in me. I'm not going to write about work here. And since that has been a lot of my life, I sometimes feel I haven't had much to share.
However, another big part of my life has been in developing new friendships, trying to maintain old friendships and enjoying the developing romantic relationship with my boyfriend.
Maybe the maintaining old friendships it is one reason why I have kept up my blog. I do not want to say good-bye to my friends that I have made from my IF journey. I have a hard time letting go. When people are in different phases or chapters in life, it can sometimes be tricky to relate...that part takes work, effort and allowing oneself to step in another person's shoes for a moment to see what is important to them. Sometimes I am afraid of being left behind. And starting over in a new place can be slow moving and difficult. Making friends when you are older is not easy. People are more established, have their routines, community and priorities.
Do I keep writing? What do I write?
Life has been work, family, boyfriend and friends (trying to make new ones and hoping to stay connected to old ones). Family seems to be on hold--they are all so far away. We call, Facebook and text. Is it enough? I'm hoping my move to my new apartment will help give me more flexibility to see them. But, they are busy and have their priorities, too. But at least with family, they really understand and can be more forgiving of the distance thing. They continue to cheer me on from afar, as my heart wishes it could physically be closer. But, to be fair, there are dear friends who are like family and we can be there for each other even if large chunks of time pass. Those are the friendships to cherish, a mutual understanding that life gets busy sometimes, but you can pick up right where you left off.
Well, this post has been a bit of everywhere. Maybe it is a bit of a window of what I have been mulling over the past several weeks. What is the purpose of my blog? Is it changing or is it that with my life going in another direction, so too will my blog?
There have been many chapters since starting my blog. Maybe Part I is coming to a close, the chapters about grieving the loss of motherhood and my marriage, taking on the adventure of dating and new relationships, being a student and looking for employment.
Maybe Part II is about shoring up my new career, finding work/life balance, living as a single (at the moment), childless (for now) lady, and cultivating the relationships of friends, family and romantic partner with a sensitivity to balance.