Quiet

With all that has happened and is happening in the United States and around the world, to say that it is worrisome is an understatement.  I really do not like to get political online or on social media, as I do not like to invite confrontation and I'd rather respectfully discuss issues in person.

Since November, it has been difficult to wrap my brain around the election results.  It was sad to see Obama's last days in office as President.  On the day of the inauguration, I felt worse than the day after election day.  This past week and a half has been an overload on the senses with so many quick and drastic actions being taken.  It is very upsetting.

I worry about so many things that it feels difficult to know where to focus one's efforts and voice.  Healthcare, education, the environment, conservation, clean energy, immigration, libraries, public radio, human rights, free speech, they are all important.  And I'm sure there are other areas that I am forgetting because it is all so much.  It feels like the rule book is being thrown out and everything is rapidly devolving.

I'm trying to keep informed, but it can be overwhelming.  It is all very upsetting and I am worried.

However, I am glad that I am not the only one.  Someone shared this post.  A reminder of self-care is important.  Take action, and take steps to protect yourself.  It is likely going to be a marathon, not a sprint, to get through these next four years.  And on the state and local level, my eyes are opened wide.

Summer Visitors

While this summer has been spent unpacking the house, we have also hosted friends and family when they have come to visit.  It has been nice to have people over at our house.  Quality time with those we care about is important.

I was a little nervous when one of my best friends came to visit with her three kids, who are also my godchildren.  They are six, five and three.  I wanted them to have fun and enjoy themselves.  And I hoped that I would have enough to keep them busy!  I'm not a mom, so I was a little worried.  Could I hack it for a weekend?  Of course my friend was coming and it was not like I'd have them all on my own, but I wanted to do a good job.

Fortunately, our new house is right down the street from a fun little park and splash pad.  I was just hoping for good weather.  There is also an ice cream shop down the other way.  So, that was good for a walk and a treat.  Then I looked online for touristy kinds of things and there is a nice children's museum in town.  Plus, if we had good weather, there are nature parks with hiking trails that the kids could handle, as I've seen other families there in the past.

I had an outline of big ideas, but wanted to think about the time between, too.  Kids have a lot of energy and if they do not have something to do, they will find something.  So, T~ and I went shopping for toys.  He has young nephews around the same age.  We figured buying some toys would be a good investment.  We picked out some things for inside and outside play.  I tried to get some things that can be gender neutral and a few things that may be a little more gender specific.  For example, Legos are great for many kids and for a good range of ages.  Lots of kids like to play with kitchen sets, color, use play-doh and play with outdoor toys, like hula hoops and a kickball.  But, I also got some superhero action figures with a couple of small vehicles and a princess doll set with a small fold up castle.  I tried to stay within a budget and not get too crazy.  Another thing we had going for us is that my husband has a good collection of Pixar movies and we have Netflix.  Not that we want to rely on TV, but it was likely to rain.

In addition, I worried about what the kids would want to eat.  I checked in with my friend and then went grocery shopping.  Again, I didn't want to go crazy, but at least have a few options.  I just really wanted my friend and her children to feel welcomed.  I thought about the times my brother and I would visit family as little kids and tried to pull from those experiences as to what made us feel comfortable and welcomed in someone's home.  A little bit can go a long way.

Finally, I was concerned about whether or not I'd have the energy to keep going the whole weekend.  I'm pretty used to a quiet house and that is very different than three small children.  I hoped I would not feel overwhelmed.

However, the weekend visit went very well!  The kids played nicely and had a lot of fun.  I got to enjoy quality time with my friend.  And I hoped she felt like she may have gotten somewhat of a break with the trip.  Her husband has been very busy with work and as a stay-at-home mom, she does a lot of the caregiving.

The kids loved the park and splash pad.  We went to the park the first night after dinner.  They had a lot of fun going on the swings and teeter totter and  climbing equipment.  The next morning we went to the splash pad before it had a chance to rain.  The day before was better weather for it, but the kids still enjoyed it.  They were very silly running around, slashing and filling a bucket of water.  Just good old water play and exploring.

We also went to a small, free farm at one of the Metro parks.  It ended up being smaller than we thought and it was self-guided.  With the possibility of rain, we were the only ones there.  I thought it was kind of a bust, but it turns out that the kids got a kick out of it.  They talked quite a bit about it the next morning.

They had a blast at the kid's museum, which I'm very glad that T~ came along so that each child could be paired with a grown-up.  This gave each child the ability to explore and spend as much time as they liked in the different areas.  It flowed well and we generally stayed together, but one or two may have lingered before moving onto the next thing or maybe skipped something that was not as interesting from time to time.  We spent quite a bit of time at the museum.  It was fun to play along with them, too.

The kids were very cute.  My friend said they could not wait to come and visit.  She said they were so excited to come to our house.  I've been to their house lots of times, but I think this was a fun adventure for them.  Snuggles and hugs and happy memories made.  I hope my friend comes to visit again, and we'd welcome the kids, too.  It was a successful, fun weekend!

Graduation--I Made It!

It is official, official--I graduated and I now have a Master of Science in Applied Developmental Psychology. One-hundred five pages of my thesis project in program design proposing a preschool literacy program for a children's hospital setting is done. An executive summary of two pages highlighting the most important elements of my program and oral comps to present my project to a two person panel in the department is complete. With the final edits submitted, I can now say that I have accomplished my academic goal.

It was a lot of hard work and I had spent many long nights reading and writing to get it all done on time. Even though the class is for three credits, it is really six credits worth of work. Plus I was studying and preparing for the Child Life exam in November, which I passed. That was the equivalent of three credits. So, this fall was like going to school full-time, plus I have been working part-time with a temporary job at the children's hospital. Looking back, I don't know how I got it all done. But I am grateful for my friends and family who were patient and supportive as it took away much of my free time.

My mom and dad came into town for my graduation ceremony last week. I am so happy that they were able to come and share in my day. RJ and his parents also attended the event. And when the dean asked family and significant others to stand for recognition of their support, they took their turn. I was so happy to turn around and see their smiling faces.

These past few weeks have been especially emotional for me. As the deadline for my work was due, I waited with bated breath to see if I would really be able to get it all done. I was afraid to admit that I was going to graduate because I was afraid of the "what if's" and I did not want to disappoint myself or anyone else. But I kept working and pushing to get it done and to get it done well. I do not like to do anything half-heartedly.

But my emotions have also spilling over because graduation has a greater significance than just another degree. It is also part of my journey in taking back my life. Pouring myself into school is one thing that I have used to cope with the changes in my life in the midst and after the divorce. It was my chance to invest in myself and to have something good to work towards. And on the days when my mind would start running about what was going to happen to me, grad school allowed me to refocus on the smaller goals and to just take it one day at a time or one class at a time. With every passing assignment and every passing class, it helped to build my confidence.

On the days when it would be really tough, I had a song in the back of my mind urging me to keep going to keep doing my best. I was on my way to moving further and further beyond the heartbreak of my past. I kept telling myself to trust in myself and that everything would be worth it and the fresh start with independence was just around the corner. If I needed some inspiration before settling into writing my paper, I would play this song and remind myself to get back to the business of the task at hand. It is also heavily played on my iPod with the pounding of my feet along the pavement in the cool fall/winter air in those few times that I can squeeze in a run.

It is the end of one chapter and the beginning of a new one, which is both terrifying and freeing. During this last semester, especially towards the end as I got closer to finishing, I found there were moments that I could not help but cry. With frustration, I would also ask myself why I am feeling this way? But then in another moment, I would feel on top of the world, proud of myself, and bursting to show the world what I have to give. I should be feeling a more constant happy, but I often feel a mess of everything all at once. It ebbs and flows and in the moments of peace, I try to relax.

I had the school plan in place and now that it is done, I actually have some choices to make. I need to decide where I want to focus my job search. Where do I go from here? It is completely open and I am not entirely sure. I am hoping to steal away a little bit more time so that I can be still for just a moment and listen to my heart. While I do not want to rush, I do not want to miss any opportunities either.

But also, I want to get back to the business of living my life more freely--spending time with the people I care about and enjoying the simple fun in life--slow it down a bit to notice and to take pleasure in what I am thankful to have in my life. But I think what will help get me there are the wise words from one of the speakers at my graduation. She said let your faith be stronger than your fear. Have faith in yourself, have faith in what you are set out to do with accomplishing greatness, and have faith in God that He will lead you.

Thesis Project

I am working on the last of my thesis project. I have a LOT of work that still needs to be done. I am just taking a break for just a moment to put it out into the universe to send good vibes my way to keep strong and focused to get it done. I feel like there is so much riding on graduating in December.

Consumed by School and the Next Step

This week I took the Child Life certification exam. I took it at a testing center online and shortly after pressing the submit button to end the test, I found out that I passed! Many of my friends and family said they didn't have a doubt. I was feeling pretty good about it, too, but just didn't want to count my chickens until they hatched. It was a lot of pressure, given that the exam is only offered twice each year. And the Child Life Council does not share what it takes to get a passing score, so that adds to the anxiety level. So, whew! Glad that is done!

That being said, studying for the test has been taking up much of my free time while looming over my head. I have been preparing for it for almost three months. So, my thesis project has been taking a bit of a back burner and now I need to really get rolling on it. I also went to two professional conferences this fall, both were very beneficial. I have been a busy lady and now that I have taken this weekend to breathe and regroup, I have felt badly that I have not been quite as connected with some of my friends. I've reached out and fortunately I feel they are understanding and I had met a couple of them out last night for some girl time. It was hard to really enjoy it with all that is on my mind, but fully thankful for having that night out.

Now that the test is over, I have my thesis project to complete before graduation. I just want to get through these last weeks and get to the finish line. I feel like at this moment in time my life is almost all about school and I have been feeling a little one-dimentional. It will be so nice to have a normal life again--having free time and having more choice in how I want to fill it. But approaching the end also scares me. Graduation means a lot to me in not just completing a huge educational goal, but it will also be the turning point in which I have the power to really take control of my life again, to get my life back after the divorce.

So with feeling a lot of intense emotions, I decided it would be smart to check-in with my counselor to help me sort things out and regain my footing before this last push. I told him that I am afraid to fail, but I have been trying to break it down into smaller tasks and to not get too far ahead of myself. He said that I am not afraid to fail, but afraid to succeed. He told me, you are succeeding and you are getting to the end and you will have all of these choices and opportunities. I think he has a point. I have been working so hard to just get by and to not get to wrapped up in worring about my future that now it is almost here. I will have to make a choice.

Not only will I need to make a choice in what direction I want to take my career, but that may very well affect my relationship with RJ. Which means I am also going to need to really consider how I feel about him. I don't feel ready for that yet. I feel like I have gotten to a really good place in processing my divorce and the loss of adoption, that I am feeling so much more free. Before now, I knew I was not ready to really think about marriage. And I feel like as I am finishing school, I am getting to that place to have the mental space to really give my relationship more thought. But I am feeling this possible crunch of having to decide sooner, rather than a bit later, depending on when I decide when I want/need to open my job search outside of Pittsburgh.

I do not want to take a job and feel like I am settling after all of my hard work. But then, I may still have some resume building to do regardless. Do I stay or do I go? I don't want to sacrifice my career for a guy after what happened in my marriage. But I don't want to pass up on love if there is potential for a lasting long-term, I want to spend the rest of my life with you kind of relationship.

RJ has also started to question the relationship. We have only started to really begin talking and I am not sure if his mind is made up or if he is scared, too. I could speculate round and round, but I really need to have more conversations with him. But we also need time to just be us. The very bottom line is that I need to decide how I feel about him. And I think there has been part of me that has been putting that thought process off because I am scared to trust in my feelings. Along the way I have been able to say yes there is some pretty fantastic stuff here, so enjoy it and don't over think it. But as time passes, there comes a time when you have to assess the fun and decide if you want to make it last for the long-term.

I have been shaken in trusting myself in how my marriage ended. I felt so certain about making that decision. And looking back, with what I knew then and how I felt, I would not have made a different choice. But my councelor said that I cannot base my decisions in life based on fear of what may happen. I have to trust what I know in that moment in time and make the best choice. Life is not static, it is constantly changing and we have to grow and adapt.

My counselor made a really good point. In life, there is no certainty. You also cannot wait for every part of your life to be perfect either before you act. Say I take a job in another city, there could be budget cuts and I would need to look for work again. Or if I have that awesome job and meet someone, there could be the possibility that they could get a job transfer. I could stay here and choose relationship and something terrible could happen to either one of us. The point is that I cannot plan out every detail or have a back up plan for every case scenario. I have been thinking very rationally about my relationship with RJ, but what I need to do is to consider the heart. I have to look for those moments, the ones when you know everything fits and it feels fluid and full of life, not just going through the motions. I have to re-embrace the feeling part of life and see what it tells me.

But relationships take two people. So, I have to focus on doing my part. Time will tell what RJ will do with his part. And now I am a ball of nerves. And I have to somehow find the focus to get to the business of the last of my work. Yikes!

The Interviews Are Done

I have to keep reminding myself to take a few deep breaths. I just finished last interview for a Child Life internship on Friday (Although, one last program could still call, but I'm doubtful at this point.). Now is the waiting game to see who makes an offer. It is down to four programs and if I thought the interviews were stressful, the waiting is worse.

I think this has been worsened by my last interview. My last interview was very intimidating with seven people sitting at a table and asking me questions. I feel that I answered their questions well and seemed to get a lot of smiles and head nods. But then as the interview was wrapping up they said that they would be making their decision on Monday and calling me. I feel like that can be interpreted in one of two ways. One, they already know the two candidates they want and I am not one of them. Or two, they know one and were waiting for my interview (the last one) to see if I was what they were really hoping to see.

I could throw up. I am afraid to pick up my phone tomorrow.

Then I should be hearing back from one of the other programs early this week. And the other two programs said they would get in touch with me around the 22nd of February. But if any other program called to make an offer, to let them know right away.

So far I have handled some of the rejection letters and emails well. I applied to 12 programs and can't expect all of them to be making offers. But now that all of the interviews are done and it is out of my control, it is really scary. It is down to four and I am trying to remain positive, but trying not to set myself up for disappointment.

To add to this stress is that I have a high likilyhood of being away from Pittsburgh for about three months or so. This both excites me and worries me, and I have been trying very hard to push those feelings aside until the reality unfolds itself. I know RJ really wants me to stay in town, but he has also expressed that he will support me in whatever happens. The good thing in all of this is that he works from home and that maybe if I end up out of town, he will be able to have more flexibility to come and visit me. But the bottom line is that I have to make my decision as to what will be best for me and my career.

Please send me some good vibes or prayers or any positive energy my way!