More photos to come, as this was at the end of the night and the only picture that I took. Oops! It was beautiful and fun!
Recessional Carl Goes Up, Up Soundtrack
(I realize the song comes from a movie steeped in infertility, but it just felt right. There is something very freeing and hopeful about the song. It marks the start of a new journey, even if it is not all how you imagined. Plus, T~ enjoys Pixar films.)
While getting everything done before the wedding and in order can be stressful at times, I just stop and pause. Then I think about walking down the aisle to meet my groom. Sometimes just listening to the song calms me, and then excites me as I remember that I am marrying a wonderful man whom I love and loves me right back.
A Thousand Years by Christina Perry by The Piano Guys
Working on the last details of the wedding, and T~ and I are researching music. We found the processional song to begin our ceremony as the bridesmaids walk down the aisle. It tingles with anticipation and excitement. Love the energy of this song!
August is the anniversary month of my previous marriage. Had we stayed together, we would have been together for more years than apart this year. Funny how the math goes that you can hover so long and so close before reaching that tipping point. It is like one of those age problems from Alegebra I. When we were happy, we used to marvel at how much of our life we spent together and acknowledged that we really grew up together having been college sweethearts. We were young and so much happened during those years.
Then suddenly, he left.
August has been a tough month for me after that part of my life was cleaved away. The first year was awful...raw. I was thankful for a kind friend's phone call. I tend to try not to dwell on specific dates, even if they are etched in your brain. I am more aware of the general season of those memories as they run in the background of my mind, getting further in the distance. It has gotten easier over time, especially with wanting to let go...as sad as that is, but neccessary. This year was the first that the day came and went and consciously it didn't seem to bother me. The undercurrent of sadness and malaise seemed a scant phantom.
However, I had the most terrible nightmares for a better part of the month. And he was in most of those dreams, leaving me feeling unrested, upset and feeling used. In a few of the dreams, I missed him and felt sad. It was hard to shake the feelings after waking up. At the time, I didn't connect the dots because the day had passed and I thought I was fine. But, somewhere deep I am still letting go.
All of the dreams kind of made me worry about my relationship with T~. I think it is all of the wedding stuff and how people say you only get married once and the person you marry should be your best friend. Somehow it hurts. Somehow there is guilt. I once married a person who I felt was my best friend and intended only to be with him. (Cue Don't Speakby Gwen Stefani, No Doubt.)
I feel badly that T~ cannot be my first and only spouse. I recoil when people make references to us being best friends. I cringe when he says it. My visceral reaction sickens me and I feel awful. I don't want to marry a "best friend," after the last one. But, would a best friend ever treat you like garbage with so little regard? Can true friendships implode, deteriorate or devolve in such ugly ways? Maybe he wasn't a friend in the first place? Betrayal is so insidious. It is difficult to believe that someone you loved and whom you thought loved you could actively make such choices. It wasn't an accident or unintentional. It was selfish, grossly selfish. That is the hard part, when trust and respect are broken so horribly.
I know T~ is his own person...a wonderfully loving, kind and intuitive person. I'm just having difficulty separating the term "best friend" from my past experience. He either was never really my friend or he was, but then stopped somewhere along the way.
So, I try to reframe it by thinking about children giving each other friendship necklaces, the ones usually divided up into halves. Kids will often give these kinds of necklaces to more than one person. It is kind of like you are only supposed to have one best friend, but the secret is that you can have lots of best friends. It can be flexible due to context and purpose of that friendship. I think the important part is to let go of "the one and only" part. It somehow makes it feel like I didn't use up my only shot. It makes room for more. It makes room for T~.
Once I put it all together, the dreams stopped and I have been more at ease. It may or may not look like progress, but to me it is. I am glad that I am not actively dwelling on that past relationship. As a friend once told me, the ending of a relationship is like a perspective painting where the road keeps getting smaller and smaller as it meets the horizon. That road will always be on my map, but that part of my life is near that dot in the distance. T~ and I are together in the foreground, in the present. I'm ready and excited about our adventure!
The groom and bride seeing each other for the first time.
The bride's dress.
Cake!!!
This weekend T~ and I went to Ohio for wedding planning, which included meeting our baker about the cake. I love wedding cake. I love the creativity in the decorating. And even more so, I love eating wedding cake. Honestly, when I go to some weddings, I look forward more to the cake than the appetizers or entree. I'd almost put cake at the top of the list. But the day really is about the bride and the groom, which I enjoy celebrating with them and feel it is an honor to be invited to share in their special day.
Anyways, we got to take home samples of cake and filling to try different combinations. I got to savor sampling wedding cake all weekend long. Cake!! Favorite part of my weekend.
I may ask my DJ to play this song at my wedding. :) It makes me want to dance whenever I hear it.
Sometimes a song takes you back to a moment. I want remember this night with T~. We went to go see Less Than Jake and Reel Big Fish on Tuesday night. It was part of his Christmas present and I'm happy I could make him happy and share in it with him.
A couple of months ago, T~ and I were doing a couple of test runs using Facetime on his iPad. He was letting me borrow it for an interview. At first we tried his older brother and sister-in-law with their two children, but they were not picking up our call. They often Facetime with T~'s mom so he knew they had an account. No luck.
Then, we tried T~'s younger brother and sister-in-law. They answered the call and said they would help out. After we got it set up and connected on Facetime, T~ asked his brother how he was doing. He gave a vague answer and they both seemed quiet and almost kind of shy. Knowing his brother, T~ softly teased and asked his brother again and called him out on that something was up and to just say it. Looking back at his wife who was sitting beside him, they seemed to exchange looks. She smiled and he seemed somewhat in disbelief and then he said they were going to be having a baby.
We congratulated them and they were happy. They asked us not to tell anyone yet because the news was still new. They had been TTC for about two years and were in the process of considering possible IVF treatments when they naturally got PG.
T~ and I suspect that they had just found out. The timing of the news, the EDD and their reaction during the conversation. Plus, they asked us not to say anything. It felt like such a private moment between them that we just happened upon. It was one of those rare intimate moments that you witness between a couple and you feel like an observer. It is beautiful, but you feel a little awkward having witnessed it and out of respect for their privacy.
After our brief conversation and learning of their news, T~ and I said our good-byes. We looked at each other barely taking it all in when T~'s older brother suddenly called on Facetime. Still in shock of his younger brother's news, we fumbled through the conversation with his whole family and their mother, who was visiting.
Glad that we had kept our word about the news and once the Facetiming was finished, T~ asked me how I was feeling. It was very kind and thoughtful of him to ask. He didn't want to see me hurt. But, I wasn't. T~'s younger brother and sister-in-law knew that I experienced IF during my previous marriage. I told T~ that news of babies can affect me differently. Most times when I hear about a couple that has been TTC, I do feel happy for them without hesitation. I think it does not make me sad because I can relate to the pain they have gone through to get that BFP. They appreciate the miracle of conceiving a child.
So, fast forward to the present where T's younger brother and sister-in-law have already shared the news with their families...and why I can post about this story now. In the sharing of their news, they also made a video and posted it on Facebook and YouTube.
T~ was excited to share the video with me, proud future uncle to his younger brother's child. We watched it together and it was beautiful and touching. And not even halfway through I started to cry. T~ said he was sorry that he showed me the video and felt he had been thoughtless in that it did not cross his mind how I would feel. I told him not to apologize, but I appreciated his concern. I told him I was glad he showed me the video--he was being a proud uncle-to-be and sharing his life with me. I would not want him to hide that. I told T~ that it was a combination of happy tears and sad tears because I could relate to so much of it. But, there are more happy tears than sad ones. And this will not be the first or the last time that I will probably cry. I told T~ that it is okay. I would rather share in his life, his happiness. I think my reaction may have helped him understand on another level just how big of a deal it can be to have a child. It truly is a blessing.
The video took my breath away. It really is beautiful and I am happy for them with all of my heart. At the end of it, I had a feeling of yay, you did it!
Somewhere along the way this past year or so, someone said something about God that really spoke to me. It seemed to click with a peaceful acceptance. I have always believed that things happen for a reason. But then someone took it a step further. They said that God presents us with challenges for one of three reasons. He is trying to help you to grow. He is using you to help someone else to grow. Or, He is moving you out of harm's way.
I like that.
So when I am feeling like I am in an emotional place of betweens, I find it helpful to listen to Coldplay's Fix You. It is just the right balance of releasing sadness and turning towards hope. It allows me to grieve and honor what was lost--a dream, something that showed promise or a change in direction. Sometimes it is a person, a place or a plan. But by listening to the music, it helps me to let go. That is not easy for me. I want to hold on tight. I want to hold it all and stay in that moment. But, that is life. Life is change.
This is also a song I play for myself when I feel close to being afraid--just near that space before the tipping point, the anticipation of change and that somehow life will soon be significantly different. Again, it is change and sometimes laced with fear. But then I will listen to the song and it helps to bring me past all of those mixed up feelings. And as the tempo rises and the music becomes more bold, I feel as though I can get through it, get beyond it and there is hope. Sometimes I can imagine myself running in the brisk, cool air while building my speed to a sprint at the end of a great run. It is a sense of soaring wrapped in determination and confidence.
The theme of returning home reminds me of a safe place, a place of roots and grounding where I am always loved. It reminds me of my family and their unconditional love, supportive friends embracing joy and giving it up to God. Letting Him fix you.
I don't like to think of myself as a superstitious kind of person. But if I am honest with myself, I kind of am. And I think my experiences with IF have probably amplified it. Irrational fear? A willingness to do or to avoid things that you think will influence an outcome? Unrelated efforts and events, but trying to gain some semblance of control? Maybe.
As an example, while my former husband and I were looking into adoption, we did not decorate the designated bedroom as a nursery for our one day hoped child . In fact, we did not put anything inside of it. The room was completely bare, beige carpet, white walls and an empty closet. The room remained empty out of fear that if we had decorated the room in preparation for a baby that the baby would never come. We also did not want to have to look at the constant reminder that our home, our arms and our hearts were feeling empty. However, the vacant room kind of did that, too, but maybe it felt like it would hurt less...if that could be possible. In addition, it was an act of defiance in that if we put anything else inside of it, like a spare bed or odds and ends, that the dream would be lost. We feared that by giving the room another purpose, even if temporary, that the clutter could also chase away the possibility of a baby. Oh, IF and its paralyzing inaction, whether by choice or not.
So, keeping this illogical, superstitious thought process in mind, it has served as a reason an excuse for not writing the second part in an intended two part post. I was originally going to write it that same month when I realized that the first post was so long. Plus, it seemed deserving of telling not just one side of a story, but the layers of stories within one. Several months passed and it felt like I had waited too long and the posts would be disconnected. Plus, I had moved and was getting settled in a new city. So then the next plan was to write it a year later, but other things happened and I was feeling grumpy and felt the need to express those feelings. My brain was not in a place to give the second part its true attention. Next, I figured I could tie it into another holiday in June. But, I was in California and chasing Big Foot and got a little distracted.
Funny thing though, this superstitious behavior has been reinforced yet again! My friend, Diane, posted something on Facebook about some recent frustrations...got to love the government and all of their paperwork and great organizational skills. (I'm sorry, is the second half of that sentence dripping with sarcasm? Oh wait, I'm not sorry.) After feeling sad and angry for my friend and sending her words of support for something that should hopefully be resolved soon, I had a wave of other emotions. Yes, these feelings were very me-centered, but at least they came secondary. These were feelings of nonsensical validation and relief...Aha! I knew there was a reason why I waited to write that post! So, I am giving myself permission to wait to write part two and will work on the draft in the mean time.
Have you ever had a post that you had always wanted to write or to finish? Did it feel like it just kept coming back to you, just needing to be completed? I think there may be hints of needing closure, but having difficulty facing some underlying feelings, too. It's the double-edge sword, you know it will be good, but that it may also hurt, too. And it is okay to feel happy and sad at the same time. Feelings are not selfish. They just are. It is what you do with them that is important.
So, my sister sent me this link to Darwin Deez's Bad Day a bit ago when I was in the throws in feeling angry about my most recent relationship ending. While I am sometimes uncomfortable with being angry with a person who has left me in a relationship, it still surprises me how much others can feel angry for me. It kind of comes as a relief in being angry myself. It's normal. It's okay.
So the song starts with, "I hope that the last page of your 800-page novel is missing."
No, sometimes actually finishing a book can be downright disappointing, too.
The book that had been on my shelf for several years that I bought as a vacation beach read is called Holy Cow by Sarah Macdonald. It is an autobiography of sorts where a woman in her thirties from Australia revisits India for a gamble on love and takes a spiritual journey. This helps her to make sense of the world, to figure out what is truly important and to learn more about herself.
It caught my eye while walking around the book store. Funny thing is that I started reading it on a beach vacation the summer before A~ and I were just starting to try to conceive a baby. The first chapter or so was good, but I was distracted with wanting to read Harry Potter, too. Harry Potter won.
The vacation ended and the book returned to my shelf. There it sat, replaced with reading material about infertility, mending relationships and soon grad school required reading. I wanted to read it. But after the fallout of my divorce, I hesitated because it reminded me of the last happy vacation I had with him.
Next I began my relationship with RJ, and I didn't feel like tainting my happy thoughts with sad thoughts of reminders of my past relationship. I was trying to move forward. Plus, I was still busy with grad school readings.
Then when RJ ended the relationship and grad school was done, I felt that I had no more excuses. I wanted to read the book to be done with it. Maybe it would surprise me or maybe I could justify getting rid of it because giving away a book I purchased and hadn't read seemed like such a waste. It became my book to read on the bus going to and from my summer internship job. Perfect!
As I read the book, it was interesting to read how the main character had to learn how to let go of so much. She faced herself and her broken preconceived notions about life. She embraced life as it was and found the good in people. She changed her perception. The people and places had not changed, but she changed the lens that she viewed them. She found a certain peace, acceptance and happiness. It also touched on the importance of balance in a relationship and not to lose oneself--having personal grounding and independence while flexibly creating a life together with someone else.
Sounds good right?
(Spoiler Alert)
As I was reading the second to the last paragraph of the book, the author tidies up by writing about what she has learned from each religious group she meaningfully encountered in India. She reflects on what she learned before returning home. Good, strong woman stuff.
Then, the very last paragraph washes it all away.
Basically, the author goes onto say that all of that stuff really doesn't matter because she is with child that she and her husband conceived before leaving India (mean while most of the story is spent with the couple spending nearly all of their time apart because of his job assignment). The baby is special because it will remind her of the sacrifices and growth during her two years of life in India, but that having a baby is where the real meaning in life can be found.
So, diluted enlightenment and I'm better than you because I can get knocked up by my husband.
I closed the book with disappointment. Really? The last paragraph did not seem relevant to the story. They were never trying to have a kid. What happened to the personal grounding and finding happiness and contentment within yourself? What happened to realizing that a relationship is fragile and when one person's career dominates the relationship, it can hurt it when it is at the expense of that relationship? What happened to two people who realize that their life together is more important than if they have career success without that special person to share it? Fine that the baby will remind you of your time in India and that the conception was special. But, to imply that the spiritual journey didn't really matter because being a mother supersedes it? Really?
Then, I think back to all of the times that I started reading the book or picked it up and thought about reading it. It would have been far worse timing. It may have been chucked into the ocean.
This is not helping me to be okay with being in the temporary* space of not having a baby at the moment.
(*Working on being happy and while being open to find a man first, while holding onto hope for possibility.)
Feel free to make book recommendations. I could use them. I live by a pool.
My life is changing at warp speed and I barely have time to process it all. I feel like I am treading water in a river of rapids--trying to stay afloat while paying attention to all of what is happening around me. The damn has broken. All of my efforts to transform my life are quickly falling into place. But before I share those details that are in the progress of taking shape, I need to take a step back and reflect.
A few weeks ago, I was approaching that old familiar, uncomfortable territory of change. My post-graduate summer internship with a non-profit organization was coming to an end, and I was preparing to return to my part-time behavioral health position. My hope was to keep my old job with minimal commitment until the end of the summer in the hopes that one of my recent interviews would result in a more permanent full-time position. I felt like my life was up in the air, and I was very frustrated that eight months of job searching had not yielded my desired result. I kept reminding myself not to give up hope and trust that things would just work themselves out, just as they have in the my recent past. For the past six years, I feel I have continued to cycle back to a place of total uncertainty and nearing the breaking point when suddenly something popped into the picture at just the right time. So, I was at this place yet again while being accompanied by additional raised emotional turmoil. I recognized these feelings of distress and I was waiting for myself to become aware of the root cause. Sometimes it is awoken by a sensation, a song or an epiphany. This time it was a moment strolling down a sidewalk.
My parents, sister and her boyfriend were in town visiting me. We enjoyed some of the art scene, downtown and paths along the river. My family wanted to enjoy some good Italian food, after all I have been living in Pittsburgh's Little Italy. The restaurant I figured that would be most reasonably priced while also having great food also happens to have a bar that my ex-boyfriend frequents. I was hesitant and I had not stepped inside the establishment since the break-up. But my family really wanted to go. There are two doors, one in the front and one on the side. So, I figured we could use the side entrance and if he was there, he would be in the front and probably would hardly notice each other. What were the chances? Strangely, we had not run into each other living a few blocks apart for nearly seven months.
So, who did I see walking up the sidewalk at the exact same time as me? RJ. He was about to turn to enter the front entrance and I was about to step in the side door. Had either one left seconds earlier or later, we would not have met at that moment. All of the other scenarios that could have prevented this moment ran through my head. If only...if only we went there first instead of the beer emporium, if only I kept my shoes on when running back into the house, if only I had not paused to run back to recheck that I had locked my back door...if only. Really? Really? Did I really have to run into him at that exact moment? This is precisely what I had been avoiding because I didn't know how I would react or feel.
I felt like time and movement slowed as the air in my lungs seemed nonexistent. Then quickly, I became aware and took a deep breath. He seemed to experience similar surprise, shot a hand up and waved from a distance. I waved back. And as time seemed to resume to life speed, we continued along our separate paths into the restaurant. It all happened within seconds, but seamless.
Later, I saw a text from RJ. He said he was sorry because he wasn't sure how to handle the situation. He wanted to say hello, but also did not want to make an awkward scene. I texted saying I wasn't sure what to do either. I felt his wave was appropriate and if he had come to say hello, that would have been fine.
The day after an encounter with RJ usually results in unsettling feelings, like aftershocks from an earthquake. It is because it hurts to see him knowing that he doesn't want me in his life in the way I had once hoped. While on some distant levels I miss him, I've done a lot to move forward. I have accepted that we are not to be together and it is best to move on. I realized that all of the recent inner turmoil was the emotional work of letting go of the dreams I had with him. The loss is the hope of moving into a house together like we started to talk about before I left for my summer internship in Columbus last year. The loss is the hope of marrying RJ. He was a man that I loved so deeply after all that I had been through with my ex-husband. It was an experience that was almost unimmaginable, but it felt so right. Where did it all go? And had life continued along that other dreamed road, at this point this summer we would have been in that house, free from my grad school commitments to have more freedom in our life choices and planning our next adventure.
It is a double-edge sword. The losses are sad. I do not want a relationship with RJ anymore. But from previous experience, this experience of the loss of the dream just means that I am almost at the end. It is the last major hurdle in processing the end of our relationship. And soon I will be more free, more complete and capable of deciding if I am ready to give of my heart again. The strength is rebuilding and I am on my way.
A few more songs. However, I've never really been one to say that I'll close myself off to love. But I will be stronger and hopefully smarter.
Of course, that is not the end of the story as life is not stagnet and continues to roll along. About a week later, RJ and I were talking on the phone about an unrelated matter. He brought up the chance meeting and shared that he was bothered about if he handled things well for several days after. What does it mean? So, I'm not the only one who feels those residual ripples. I guess what I take from it is that what RJ and I shared was special and meaningful. It is a very different experience from my prior long-term relationship in that at least RJ values the time we spent together to some degree and that he respects me as a person in some way. It has softened my heart in understanding how some people may actually be able to have reasonable conversations or friendships after the romantic relationship has ended.
Running to clear my head.
Running to process the layers of transition in my life.
Running to say good-bye.
Running to be brave in chasing my dreams.
Running to embrace the faith that I am exactly where I am supposed to be.
Running to feel alive and connected to the natural, beautiful world.
Running to feel the air in my lungs.
Running to savor the last chill in the air before the change in seasons.
Running to lift my spirits.
Running to start anew.
Running.
So, with all of the running comes the increased desire to find new music that makes running that much more motivating and pleasurable time for me. Music is a great way to move through emotions, experience a release and find comfort. I like a mix of sad, angry and happy. These are the songs that have been on repeat on some of my runs, both in letting go and in turning towards a better future.
Then a friend posted a song in her blog that I think I may need to add to my running mix. Somehow it seems to capture everything by starting sad, but then the music seeming to slowly progress into building towards hope. The words are of loss and good-bye, but the melody seems to carry a tone of moving forward.
A very good friend in Pittsburgh has reminded me on several occasions to remember to be patient and kind with myself during this time--as I am processing and coming to terms with the end of my relationship with RJ. For some reason coming to terms seems more bearable than accepting right now. My heart is sad and confused in not understanding why he walked away when we both still love each other.
Another wonderful friend wrote an email to me and shared...maybe it IS as simple as you want more than he is prepared to give. Or will ever be able to give. And he is letting you go so that you can find happiness and fulfillment.
However, I cannot wrap my head around how you can get so close to someone and then place a limit on it. That is not how I operate, and I am not sorry for that. So, I will stop trying to figure out that other kind of mentality.
The beauty of love is that there is always more to give. It does not run out. It does not hurt the person to receive that love if you are being authentic and genuine with your intentions at that moment in time. With the right amount of trust, patience and understanding, love can be nurtured exponentially and deepen the connection between two people and have great satisfaction and fulfillment. Our time in this world is fleeting and I would rather give--even if it does not result in a hoped or desired outcome--than to later question or regret not doing something more. I try to hold onto hope for myself that I will meet a man who is my match--in equally giving of his commitment, love and respect.
Most of the irritated stream of my thoughts stem from that RJ says he loves me, but did not want to hurt me if it were to end or when it did end. At some point he checked out and I have tried to figure out what was the tipping point. Did he first check out and then saw the end would have to come? Or did he put too much pressure and worry into the what if's and it took him out of the picture? Was it that he could not envision a future with me or is it that he is scared? I'm not sure if I want to know the answer to those questions. Or even if they matter.
So on that note, with the pendulum of all that are my feelings right now, I have another song that brings me a mixture of feelings. It is I Won't Give Up by Jason Mraz . I love the way the song just feels like that unabashed, got-to-give-it-your-all kind of love. There is also a patience in it, in knowing that sometimes timing may be off, but that special person is worth waiting to catch up in order to be ready and on equal grounding.
I first heard the song on the radio as I parked my car by RJ's house on the night that I reaffirmed my feelings for RJ and shared that I was ready for a deeper level of intimacy with him. I sat in the car and listened to the whole song. So, sometimes I feel sad when I hear the song because of all the potential that I saw in building and sharing a life with RJ. We shared many interests and he had many qualities that I loved about him.
Then other times more recently, I will listen to the words and think, that is how it should be and I do deserve more. I mean, it has to be out there if people write poems and songs about it all of the time. Right?
Today I discovered a few more words that struck me.
...at least we did intend for us to work...
And there it is--the wisdom and the acknowledgement of the risk that you have to stay open and positive if you want a relationship to have a chance to develop, grow and evolve. It speaks to the foundation of the relationship. Each person's heart is so delicate and you should be mindful in how you enter and stay their world, for them and yourself.
As I was flipping through my personal journal today, I came across an entry that was dated in the beginning of December. And it was then, that I realized was the large turning point in my readiness for a greater intimacy.
About three weeks ago I gathered up the courage to tell RJ how I felt about him. We were laying in bed and reading when I playfully put down my book and snuggled closer behind him. I looked at him peaking around his shoulder and said, "You know, RJ, I'm crazy about you." I told him that I was thinking about the saying that life happens while you plan it--and that I was ready for more. He asked me if it was because I was over my ex and I said yes, but it was more than that. I told him that I know it might sound a bit premature, especially not having a job yet, but that I didn't want to wait to tell him how I felt. He smiled and asked, "So, when did you decide this?" I cocked my head to the side with a pause and said, "I don't know. It just sort of happened." I told him that I loved him and he said it back as we turned off the light and cuddled up to sleep for the night.
I thought of RJ's question as odd and it has been lurking in my brain. I also didn't think that he really got fully what I was trying to say either. So when I was on the phone the next day, and somewhat against better judgement because I would rather be face to face with this kind of conversation, I revisited what I said because I loved RJ so much and I just did not want to keep it in any longer. I wanted no regret in having waited to tell him how I felt. So I clarified that what I was saying the night before was not about my past relationship and getting over my ex. It was about having that space in between to build that knowing and trust and confidence that I really loved him and that I was really ready for more and that I wanted more with him. It was about being future oriented, or more accurately present oriented. With getting as close to saying that I was finally ready to start thinking about marriage again, I asked RJ if he understood what I was trying to say. He said yes with a slight knowing laugh as I probably sounded a bit like a school girl trying to admit a crush.
There was a pause in the conversation with that feeling of "Aaaand?" But he did not say anything. I nervously changed the subject as I did not want to pressure him. We made plans that I was going to pick up some sushi as I was leaving from the gym and he had just missed his turn to go to the grocery store on his way home from tennis.
"So, when did you decide this?"
It kept floating in the air.
Today I reread the journal entry and where something small shifted inside of me to build the momentum of a large change within me.
Then I had a weird dream with A~ in it. It was a gray kind of day that was seeming to wait to rain but it never does. He was wearing jeans and a white t-shirt and a tan spring coat--like our sophomore year in college. Suddenly, we were kind of polka dancing side by side down the sidewalk of Woodstock by Surrey Lane--the path I took when walking to high school. It was a weird, kind-of-happy-to-see-each-other feeling, although happy is too strong of a word. It was distantly pleasant and somewhat reminiscent. But we could not keep a beat together. We kind of lightly laughed it off and continued to drift apart in our own separate dances. It was somewhat peaceful and somewhat sad.
Then later this evening, I sat in the car as a song came on the radio by Adele--Someone Like You, while also remembering the dream as I woke in the morning. Sometimes I cannot make up my mind if I like the song or if I hate it. It is like the song has a new twist of sadness or relief each time I hear it. This time was sad. I sat and cried because all of a sudden I just really missed the old A~. It was a sadness that runs along with distance. It was not a longing to want him back. Just a plain old, I miss him. I miss the good times we had. I miss the old, lighthearted A~ with almost not a care in the world--relaxed--with a boyish innocence.
The dream seemed to represent a final, peaceful good-bye--the one I did not get to have. There was no bitterness or anger in the dream. It just was. It was a good-bye to what I held close to my heart, the good part of what I had loved about him. And in the dream we could not make it work, but somehow it was okay. And I was okay--and I was freed.
Something was lifted and a new calmness, certainty and confidence began to grow inside of me. I was finally building towards the readiness of truly wanting to marry someone again. And I didn't want it to be just anyone. I told RJ I was ready for more with him. I did not define it or put a timeline on it or a request for details--just a signal to let him know I was ready if he was ready to maybe explore or consider the possibilities--whatever those may be.
And so I waited for his response.
I waited patiently for almost two weeks--not pushing, just waiting.
On Tuesday morning, RJ told me he feels badly because he feels that I am more invested in the relationship than he is and he feels guilty because he does not want to waste any more of my time. He feels that he should be wanting to put a ring on my finger and move in together, but for some reason those feelings are not there. He says he has doubts he cannot put into words and he cannot ignore them. He asked me twice, "You know that I love you, right?" I did not answer him, I could not answer him. He said he loved me to pieces and wished he felt differently in wanting something more. I wanted to ask, can't you nurture love? But it escaped me and I felt like it could be viewed as a desperate response to an unfair question.
I told him that my confidence was shaken when he started to question the relationship in the fall, but that I still loved him so very much even though I was afraid to fully admit it. I told him if he would have asked me to marry him before all of the questioning, I would have said yes. It was always yes, even when it took time to rebuild the confidence to be able to admit my feelings again.
RJ did not outright say it was over. But he did not want to have this conversation four months from now. He said you are never ready for it to be over. With tears, he left for work.
On Wednesday he went to Florida to visit his parents at their winter home. He hasn't called me or talked to me since Tuesday morning.
I am sad and disappointed and will miss him terribly--because it seems that it is over and it is really hard for me to admit it. There is so much that I could write here, but I am still taking it in and sorting it out. I don't think this break up was planned and in someways there were clues and in someways I was not prepared for such a stark change in direction. What makes this difficult is that I still have feelings for him and I am not sure what will happen next. There was no closure in how he left.
But I still have that strength and trust in myself from the turning point from that day of the dream in that I am ready--ready and wanting to take the risk in experiencing a greater intimacy with someone special again--and perhaps more fully. It may not be with RJ and I will need a bit of time to heal, but in many ways I am much more open to love.
It is official, official--I graduated and I now have a Master of Science in Applied Developmental Psychology. One-hundred five pages of my thesis project in program design proposing a preschool literacy program for a children's hospital setting is done. An executive summary of two pages highlighting the most important elements of my program and oral comps to present my project to a two person panel in the department is complete. With the final edits submitted, I can now say that I have accomplished my academic goal.
It was a lot of hard work and I had spent many long nights reading and writing to get it all done on time. Even though the class is for three credits, it is really six credits worth of work. Plus I was studying and preparing for the Child Life exam in November, which I passed. That was the equivalent of three credits. So, this fall was like going to school full-time, plus I have been working part-time with a temporary job at the children's hospital. Looking back, I don't know how I got it all done. But I am grateful for my friends and family who were patient and supportive as it took away much of my free time.
My mom and dad came into town for my graduation ceremony last week. I am so happy that they were able to come and share in my day. RJ and his parents also attended the event. And when the dean asked family and significant others to stand for recognition of their support, they took their turn. I was so happy to turn around and see their smiling faces.
These past few weeks have been especially emotional for me. As the deadline for my work was due, I waited with bated breath to see if I would really be able to get it all done. I was afraid to admit that I was going to graduate because I was afraid of the "what if's" and I did not want to disappoint myself or anyone else. But I kept working and pushing to get it done and to get it done well. I do not like to do anything half-heartedly.
But my emotions have also spilling over because graduation has a greater significance than just another degree. It is also part of my journey in taking back my life. Pouring myself into school is one thing that I have used to cope with the changes in my life in the midst and after the divorce. It was my chance to invest in myself and to have something good to work towards. And on the days when my mind would start running about what was going to happen to me, grad school allowed me to refocus on the smaller goals and to just take it one day at a time or one class at a time. With every passing assignment and every passing class, it helped to build my confidence.
On the days when it would be really tough, I had a song in the back of my mind urging me to keep going to keep doing my best. I was on my way to moving further and further beyond the heartbreak of my past. I kept telling myself to trust in myself and that everything would be worth it and the fresh start with independence was just around the corner. If I needed some inspiration before settling into writing my paper, I would play this song and remind myself to get back to the business of the task at hand. It is also heavily played on my iPod with the pounding of my feet along the pavement in the cool fall/winter air in those few times that I can squeeze in a run.
It is the end of one chapter and the beginning of a new one, which is both terrifying and freeing. During this last semester, especially towards the end as I got closer to finishing, I found there were moments that I could not help but cry. With frustration, I would also ask myself why I am feeling this way? But then in another moment, I would feel on top of the world, proud of myself, and bursting to show the world what I have to give. I should be feeling a more constant happy, but I often feel a mess of everything all at once. It ebbs and flows and in the moments of peace, I try to relax.
I had the school plan in place and now that it is done, I actually have some choices to make. I need to decide where I want to focus my job search. Where do I go from here? It is completely open and I am not entirely sure. I am hoping to steal away a little bit more time so that I can be still for just a moment and listen to my heart. While I do not want to rush, I do not want to miss any opportunities either.
But also, I want to get back to the business of living my life more freely--spending time with the people I care about and enjoying the simple fun in life--slow it down a bit to notice and to take pleasure in what I am thankful to have in my life. But I think what will help get me there are the wise words from one of the speakers at my graduation. She said let your faith be stronger than your fear. Have faith in yourself, have faith in what you are set out to do with accomplishing greatness, and have faith in God that He will lead you.
I miss listening to Retro Request Lunch as I am doing my thing in Pittsburgh. The music brings me back to a few of those youthful days of middle school and high school...
Example 4 A woman with pipes and you just gotta sing along.
Example 5 Who doesn't like dancing around like a bee?
So today as I was driving to the hospital for my internship and flipping around the stations, a little Bon Jovi came on the radio. It wasn't from the days of the roller rink favorites, but certainly close enough to put a smile on my face. And it got me thinking about once again being thankful for what I have in my life in the present and to dream new dreams. That has to be my focus, my springboard moving forward. My life has its own path and I have to wake up and appreciate it before I miss its beauty, wonder and fortuity.
This morning over breakfast, RJ sang to me, "Now the first of December was covered with snow, And so was the turnpike from Stockbridge to Boston." For those of you who are music buffs, you probably already know the name of the song and who sings it before you even finish reading this sentence. I, unfortunately, am not well versed in music, but am healthfully envious of anyone who is. (Click here for the answer.)
But I can't think of a better way to start a new month and what I feel as the beginning of winter--the first snow. It was a steady fluttering of flakes with a whisper of accumulation. While the sky was a white gray, the reflected morning light from those snowflakes poured a cool warmth through the kitchen windows. I love the morning light when it is snowing. There is a fresh brightness and a hint of something clean and new.
And after coming in from the cold from an early errand, I settled into some reading with a hot cup of apple cider. That is another thing that I love on cold day, is to feel the warmth radiating from a nice, hot cup of something warm and comforting as I hold it in my hands. I love to take it all in--the way it smells with a full breath--and the way it feels tingly hot as the cup comes up to my lips. My usual is tea or hot chocolate, but I just picked up the apple cider the day before thinking that I needed one last fill of fall before the seasons fully change.
I feel as though I am in transition--a start of a new chapter--completely in my new space.
Taking a page from another blog, I wanted to share my new favorite song...
Glitter In The Air Songwriters: Mann, Billy; Moore, Alecia;
Have you ever fed a lover with just your hands? Close your eyes and trust it, just trust it Have you ever thrown a fist full of glitter in the air? Have you ever looked fear in the face And said I just don't care?
It's only half past the point of no return The tip of the iceberg, the sun before the burn The thunder before lightning, the breath before the phrase Have you ever felt this way?
Have you ever hated yourself for staring at the phone? Your whole life waiting on the ring to prove you're not alone Have you ever been touched so gently you had to cry? Have you ever invited a stranger to come inside?
It's only half past the point of oblivion The hourglass on the table, the walk before the run The breath before the kiss and the fear before the flames Have you ever felt this way?
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
There you are, sitting in the garden Clutching my coffee, calling me sugar You called me sugar
Have you ever wished for an endless night? Lassoed the moon and the stars and pulled that rope tight Have you ever held your breath and asked yourself Will it ever get better than tonight? Tonight
Over the weekend I took my wedding ring to the jewelry store to be cleaned. I have been contemplating selling it along with a few other things my ex had given me. The ring has been sitting in my closet for almost a year (and off of my finger for much longer) next to my wedding photos in a box.
Recently, I have asked myself what am I going to do with all of the photos? I am at a loss as far as what to do with my wedding photos and all of the other pictures of me with my ex. I just talked to my counselor about this recently. He said life is like a kaleidoscope and that your life is always rearranging and never stays the same. Some things that you may have may come to hold a different meaning for you or that you feel you no longer need some of that stuff. I told him that I get that, about the stuff. And I am glad that I did hold onto a few things until I was ready to let them go without any doubts. It is freeing in selling or giving some of the stuff away. But I told him that I struggle with the photos because those are different. I don't want them anymore, but I just don't want to throw them out either. I feel like it would be throwing a part of me away or leaving some kind of giant hole in my past. It was an investment in time and building a life that seems to have resulted in nothing. And I am grappling with how to tell my life history in moving forward. What do I want to keep? How do I put it in a context that doesn't seem like a big waste of time? How do I give that part of my life meaning or show its value? It is like I feel like I have to rationalize or explain that part of my life and that it wasn't a giant oops. I know there are lessons learned and all of my experiences build on who I am today. My life would not be where it is right now had not all of those events happened. I just find it difficult for those to understand who have not been through divorce. My life mattered, it all mattered--even if there is a lot of crap--it is still me in there somewhere--and I am tired of feeling like I have to justify it.
Then on Saturday morning, I took my wedding ring to be cleaned. I figured I may as well get it looking its best before I hock it, well that is if I go through with it. As I was walking out of the store and out to my car, I was looking at the diamond's familiar brilliance and symbol of promise. It brought me right back to the night that he proposed, a chilly March night under the stars in a cornfield we would frequent when looking for a place to be alone away from campus. I started to get a little teary and wanted to push it away. I got into the car, turned the ignition and felt myself getting further distracted while still holding the ring. Someone wanted my parking spot, so I pulled out. In my fog I was starting to realize the song Wonderwall by Oasis was playing on the radio, a song that brings me back to the beginning of my college days and when I knew I was falling in love with my ex. That is when I decided to give into my feelings and I pulled into another spot at the end of the parking lot with no people around.
I sat there letting the music wash over me as I stared at my ring. I thought about the happiness we shared and what we were supposed to share forever. I slipped the ring onto my finger, wondering if it was a mistake. It was like a test to see if I could do this and not cry, that it may be a sign that I was ready to let it go without regret. I cried less than the last time that I had put it on.
And then in another moment if felt strangely familiar and like it was supposed to be there, but with a complete disconnect from my former husband. I sat there curious as to why I felt that way. I think it is because it represented the strong connection to my past identity as a married woman. I was comfortable being a married woman--I loved being married. So then I took the ring off from my finger, still puzzling. Another moment passed and I cried a little bit more as the song was ending. I put it back into its box and drove away.
Thinking on it throughout the weekend, I have realized my past marriage will always be a part of who I am. But I know that is a past me. I also don't think there will ever be a day that I will be able to look at that ring or that diamond and not cry, but that is okay. It doesn't stop me to hope that one day I will get married again, to a person who loves and respects me.
So, why do I hold onto the ring? What am I holding onto?
First, I've held onto the ring because I do not want to face feelings of regret or loss once it is out of my possession for good. There is some finality in once again having to admit that my marriage is over, it failed. But I know I do not want to keep the ring, this I am certain. I do not want to melt it down and make it into something new. I have no child with him that I would want to pass along the stone. I just want to come to a day that I feel brave enough to sell it.
Second, I think I am trying to hold onto my identity, my whole identity. For so long, I was a married woman. I don't want to throw that away. But I think there may be a way for me to reconcile it all with myself. I can hold onto that identity as it relates to my past me, but acknowledging it is not the current me. I should not be ashamed of my past. And I think the more that I am okay with the current me and allow the future me to dream, the more I will be ready to let it go. And it is okay to cry, knowing that there may always be a trace of hurt which only shows I am human and allow my heart to feel. And if my heart is still open to feel, it will be open to love once again.
Wonderwall by Oasis
Today is gonna be the day That they're gonna throw it back to you By now you should've somehow Realized what you gotta do I don't believe that anybody Feels the way I do about you now
Backbeat the word was on the street That the fire in your heart is out I'm sure you've heard it all before But you never really had a doubt I don't believe that anybody feels The way I do about you now
And all the roads we have to walk along are winding And all the lights that lead us there are blinding There are many things that I would Like to say to you I don't know how
Because maybe You're gonna be the one who saves me ? And after all You're my wonderwall
Today was gonna be the day? But they'll never throw it back to you By now you should've somehow Realized what you're not to do I don't believe that anybody Feels the way I do About you now
And all the roads that lead to you were winding And all the lights that light the way are blinding There are many things that I would like to say to you I don't know how
I said maybe You're gonna be the one who saves me ? And after all You're my wonderwall
I said maybe You're gonna be the one who saves me ? And after an You're my wonderwall
Said maybe You're gonna be the one that saves me You're gonna be the one that saves me You're gonna be the one that saves me
