Spring in Fast Forward

Wow!  Where did April go, let alone half of May?!?

Tal and I have been busy working on the house.  We have our living room, dining room and kitchen painted.  The colors are a robin's egg blue, a storm deep blue and a terracotta orange throughout the spaces.  The first floor has come together nicely.  Our bedroom has a duvet cover that continues with the color theme, and the main bathroom flows with the color palette.  It makes me feel happy and more settled in our home.

Plus, we have enjoyed family and friends coming to visit with us.  A house feels more like a home with people in it.  It has been a pleasure hosting our loved ones.  Hope the trend continues through the summer with warm weather.

Next, we are shifting our attention to the outside.  We spent one weekend ripping up a bed of ivy.  Then we took to two spots that once had dead trees and filled up the soil to plant grass.  Most of what we are doing to the yard is in preparation to start new.  Someday we would like a garden.  Just have to work on getting all of the overgrowth cleared.

As for the late spring and summer, I have lots of travel plans.  One of the trips is a conference for work and most of the others are to visit family and friends.  I should have travel plans each month for the next six months!  But, the end of the travel blitz will be to celebrate my 40th birthday in Key West.  I'm so excited for that trip!

Life has been pretty good.

Microblog Mondays

Favorite Time of the Year

Fall!  I love fall and everything in it!  The weather is crisp and beautiful, the leaves change colors and it is sweater weather.  I love the smells of fall, especially pumpkin!  Pumpkin everything, yes please!

(Not pictured:  Pumpkin Beer)

I also make some awesome pumpkin chip cookies.  I love fall!

Microblog Mondays

Sticking to my New Year's Resolution Too Well

This year I made a resolution to not backdate my blog posts.  While I have been mostly successful, it has ended up with me posting less.  Not sure if it is really getting the result I intended.  Whoops!  Although, I think it has given me an opportunity to step back and think about my blog space.

Last year I had wedding planning to sprinkle into my rotation of posts.  It was nice to take some of the focus away from my past IF experiences or how IF pops up in my life here and there.

Maybe a shift set in motion.  This year there have been times where I may feel at a loss for what to write.  I have not been as inclined to write about IF, so I guess I have not been writing as much.  I've needed my life to be more, which it has.  It just may not be well reflected in my blog.  I should probably just write more about the everyday or what is current, rather than trying to make that connection to IF specifically.  Just write about life as it is.

Microblog Mondays

Twinsters

It is winter.  So, it is the perfect time of year to cozy up on the couch and peruse the Netflix cue or watch the things you have put on your list.  As soon as I saw the movie, Twinsters, I knew I wanted to watch it.  It is about two young women who find out about each other through happen stance on the internet.  They remarkably look alike and find out that they were born on the same day and had been adopted from Korea.  Their story unfolds as they get to know each other through Facebook, Skype and texting until they finally meet in person.

I thoroughly enjoyed the movie.  It was fun to watch the excitement as they were just learning about each other and taking steps to get to know each other more and more.  It is amazing how technology allows us to connect and get to know other people so intimately, especially when they are so far away.  In some ways it reminds me of the IF community, how strangers can become friends.  I had the opportunity to meet some of the women I met through an online group for IF support.  Watching the movie reminded me of the giddiness and excitement of meeting my IF sisters.  It was life changing, as it was for the twins in the movie (but much more likely life changing for the twins).

The movie was also very interesting because it is about adoption.  Without wanting to spoil the movie, I appreciated how it told the story of how each adoption story is different.  While these women are twins and their lives have paralleled experiences, there are also distinct differences, too.  It is beautiful how the sisters are intuitive, sensitive and thoughtful of each other as they share their past, build their relationship in the present and begin to navigate how they want to share their future.

Then, how T~ and I have loosely talked about adoption, I found the movie interesting in what it brings up in terms of the thoughts, worries, frustrations, blessings and world of an adoptee.  Food for thought.  Plus, I've always had some kind of gut feeling that maybe if I were to be a mom it would be to twins.  I don't know why.  Maybe it is a wish or a hope, but I feel there is some kind of connection, but not sure what exactly.

It is a very good story.  I definitely recommend it.

Microblog Mondays

In the Details

Working on the last details of the wedding, and T~ and I are researching music.  We found the processional song to begin our ceremony as the bridesmaids walk down the aisle.  It tingles with anticipation and excitement.  Love the energy of this song!

We Baught A Zoo by Jonsi

Microblog Mondays

Birthday Month

This year, my birthday was good.  And that made me feel great!  No feelings of doom or glum or anticipatory sadness.  It started as a pretty regular day.  Got to talk to my Mom and Dad on the phone.  Later, A~ was going to take me out to dinner or make me a fancy dinner, but my arm felt sore from a doctor's appointment and I wasn't really feeling it.  Instead, we went grocery shopping together and meandered through the aisles.  Picked out a fancy slice of cake from the bakery case and a bottle of wine.  He made me macaroni and cheese, and we curled up on the couch and watched an episode of Call the Midwife.  It was simple and lovely.

Microblog Mondays

A Passing Thought

While chatting with someone recently, I asked about their pregnancy and if they knew if they were going to have a boy or a girl or if they were going to wait to find out.  They said they did not know, but we're planning to find out.  She said she was really excited to have a gender reveal party.  Happy for her, really.

Then I thought about how if I were to have a child, I had always wanted it to be a surprise.  I don't know if I will be able to have a baby of my own.  If I can't, I will feel sad not being able to have that choice and experience.  I wonder, if you adopt do you have to find out the baby's gender ahead of time?

Microblog Mondays

Resiliency

Good words from a friend that can apply to many situations in life...

"Getting knocked down can happen to anyone.  That's easy.  It's what you do to get back up that shows your real character."  --  C. Brann

Microblog Mondays

At Home in the Midwest

Today was the first day of my new job.  It is the start of a new chapter.  I've returned to my home state of Ohio, and it makes me feel happy.  I have not lived in Ohio for nearly 16 years, and I have been longing to come back home.

I missed being closer to my family and long time friends, a car ride verses a plane ride.  Just doing everyday things together and not feeling like every visit is about trying to catch up.  Wanting to be there instead of living through pictures.  Feeling the hugs and hearing the laughs instead of remembering them or imagining them as we spoke on the phone or sent messages.

I missed the seasons, the snow and the fall.  I missed it being cool enough to enjoy hot tea or hot chocolate.  I missed the rich warm hues of fall leaves.  I missed having some gray days to hide away and curl up with a blanket.  I missed the quiet brightness of the snow.  I missed the tulips and daffodils.  I missed the rustle of leaves when the wind blows.  I missed the cool summer nights.  I missed the reduced humidity, so as not feeling like you need gills to breathe.  I missed the sweet corn.  I missed the richness of the varying shades of green and grass that feels soft beneath your feet.

T~ will follow once he secures a job.  Then he will come with all of our stuff.  I will be in temporary housing until then.  He is also excited to return to Ohio as his family live here, as well.  It will be nice to be closer to family.  And we have friends here and near by, too.

Something about home runs deep.  It feels good to be home at last.

Microblog Mondays

Kaleidoscope 2

Photo Credit:  H. Pellikka, March 2005, Link

"Life is like an ever-shifting kaleidoscope--a slight change, and all patterns alter." -- Sharon Salzberg

As of late, it seems best to follow my heart, to make the best decisions I can with what is known to me, and to go my own path.  It is a mindful balance of prioritization and living in the present.  Know that plans are just plans, and they will bend, evolve and change.  And for that which you cannot plan will somehow fall into place, that life has a way of making room and figuring it out as it comes.  One has to be brave to trust, and one has to be trusting to let go and see where it takes you.

Microblog Mondays

Ugly Day

Some years are better than others.  This was not one of them.  This year I felt angry leading into Mother's Day.  It is difficult to avoid social media.  Mother's Day related posts on fb are not just restricted to the day.  I feel that the trend on my feed this year was a bunch of "what moms really want for Mother's Day" memes.  These were not sweet sentiments.  These were gripey expressions of wanting more alone time, not wanting to wear crappy handmade jewelry and frustration about missteps in gift giving.  The memes screamed Mom Club.

The work of being a mother is difficult.  It is a job for life.  It is important to make time for yourself.  It is polite to accept gifts with grace.  However, if someone has been unintentionally hurt by someone's gift giving choice, there may be better tact to share this information.  As a person who has struggled with becoming a mother and who still dreams of one day becoming a mother, these memes feel ungrateful, insensitive and hurtful.

On the eve of Mother's Day, I wrote a brief comment on a few of the originator's memes, from where it seemed created.  Generally, it expressed validation that mothers work hard and need time for themselves.  But, it seems ungrateful to be complaining when there are women whom would love to have a child express their love for their mom, a person whom that child feels they are the most wonderful, loving and beautiful person in the world.  There was no response.

The next day was difficult getting out of bed.  I just wanted to crawl into a hole.  Lately, I have felt in a dark place about motherhood and feel like it may not happen.  I called my mom and wished her a Happy Mother's Day.  I wish I could be closer to home.  I was glad my sister was home to spend the afternoon with my parents.  The Cavs won, so that made my mom happy.  We sent texts back and forth about it.  I love my mom.

Microblog Mondays

Cake!

My favorite parts of a wedding:

• The groom and bride seeing each other for the first time.
• The bride's dress.
• Cake!!!

This weekend T~ and I went to Ohio for wedding planning, which included meeting our baker about the cake.  I love wedding cake.  I love the creativity in the decorating.  And even more so, I love eating wedding cake.  Honestly, when I go to some weddings, I look forward more to the cake than the appetizers or entree.  I'd almost put cake at the top of the list.  But the day really is about the bride and the groom, which I enjoy celebrating with them and feel it is an honor to be invited to share in their special day.

Anyways, we got to take home samples of cake and filling to try different combinations.  I got to savor sampling wedding cake all weekend long.  Cake!!  Favorite part of my weekend.

I  may ask my DJ to play this song at my wedding.  :)  It makes me want to dance whenever I hear it.

Microblog Mondays

NIAW--Quiet Observation

It is National Infertility Awareness week.  I am happy to see a few people have posted things on FB.  However, I am choosing to quietly sit on the sidelines.  Timing and privacy are important to me right now.  Maybe I'll post something another year.  But this week, my heart is thinking about all of those who have been touched by IF.  You are not alone.

Microblog Mondays

The Long and Short of It

Last week one of my favorite blogs (of the non-IF type), Wait But Why, posted an article on Facebook that highlighted them.  It was about how in a world heavy on brevity (i.e. Facebook, Twitter and Instagram), there is still an appreciation and a place for longer format writing.  Depth does matter, and their is an audience for it.

Yes, it may be a bit ironic to be sharing this article on a Microblog Monday.  However, from time to time, I have read that some in the blogging community wonder if blogging may be fading off or becoming less relevant.  I think this article points to no, and it encourages people to keep writing, keep the depth, and keep telling your story or writing about what you are passionate.

On the flip side, I also love Microblog Mondays.  It can serve many purposes.  It can offer flexibility and give permission for the writer to mix it up or stretch the space.  It can foster the habit of writing.  It also reminds me of poetry.  Poetry seems so powerful to me.  Most often in a poem a person can express depth in a condensed way and each of the words seems so carefully chosen.  It is not that long essays do not involve the laborious, critical eye of carefully selected words.  They involve different skills and I find it more challenging to cut out words (as evidenced by this post).

Depth and power can be found in the long and short.  There is room for all kinds of writing.  

Microblog Mondays

Organization Is My Middle Name

I've been very busy lately.  Planning our wedding has been at the top of my list.  A few people have asked if I've gotten a wedding planner.  No, I'm a teacher.  I've got this covered.  Some are surprised by how much we already have done, especially planning the wedding from Florida for it to be in Ohio.  More importantly is that I'm enjoying it.  T~ has been very supportive and helpful, too.

Things crossed off my list:

• Venue of ceremony & reception
• Officiant
• Wedding party
• Photographer
• DJ
• My dress
• My shoes

Things nearly crossed off my list:

• Save the dates (Thank you T~ for taking charge of this one!  He has nice printing, and it lets me focus on other things.)
• Flowers
• Hotel blocks
• Dinner food selection
• Cake

Current challenges:

• Groom's tuxedo (Just starting to look.)
• Bridesmaid dresses (Plans to shop in April.)
• Wedding hair place or person (No idea!!!  Help if you can!)

Microblog Mondays

Looking Forward

Peace...

It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work.  It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart.  --Unknown

I hope to find peace in 2015.

Wishing you the best in the New Year!

Microblog Mondays

Watching From the Sidelines

It's not just me who sits on the sidelines...

When my parents came to visit, we all spent a day at the pool.  Growing up, my dad was the big kid joining in the fun with me and my brother, cousins or neighborhood kids in the pool.  I think in part it comes from my dad's youthful, playful spirit.  He would toss us in the air, ending in a splash of giggles and asking him to do it again.  Or he would make big waves in the pool with his long arms.  Or we would shout our requests for him to do cannon balls or jack knives.  In part, I think it comes from him growing up in a family of one in thirteen with a large extended family.  There was always a mix of ages and always children around.  As he grew older, his older siblings started having children, so there had been a pretty steady flow of youth in the family.  And it was fun to play and laugh and enjoy each other.

There was a small group of boys in the pool with their rough and tumble play.  It could have been a scene from my dad's youth with him and his brothers.  Growing up, Dad would have joined in our silly fun for just a moment.  But, these were not his children or nieces or nephews.  Of course, he would not initiate any interaction; it would not be appropriate by any means.  But, I felt like I could see the twinkle in his eye as he smiled and chuckled at the boys on the edge of mischief as he stood along the side of the pool.  There also seemed a kind of hesitation or a faint sadness.  Maybe that is me projecting my feelings of loss. But, these were not even his grandchildren.  If I can't give him one, will he ever get to be in that moment again...to experience the joy of a child that is part of your family, your inner circle and play?  Has the moment passed?  Has it passed for me?  And for him?

Microblog Mondays

Back to School

Labor Day has come and gone.  The last of the flurry of pictures and posts of the first day of school pics has just about wrapped up from the last few weeks.  Lots of proud Moms and Dads.  I am happy for my friends and family.  But, I am tired of feeling sad.  It's not just the baby pictures.  But even more as of late, seeing my friends and family send their children off to school makes me feel like my dream of a child is shrinking and so far away.

The twins would have been in Kindergarten.

Microblog Mondays