Clues of Moving On

To help me validate the closure and end space between me and my most recent significant past relationship:

• Find myself sleeping in the middle of my bed.
• Feeling less angry and frustrated with it ending.  Moving towards acceptance.
• Having no interest in lurking on his fb page.
• Fewer instances of seeing things that remind me of him.  (Moving certainly helped.  But surprisingly, initially there was more around than I thought that reminded me of him.)
• Wanting to purge and clean out my closet.  I kind of started that before the move, but still find myself doing that a bit more.  It's kind of like shedding an old skin or old self.
• Reflecting on what I learned from the relationship.  Appreciating what was good about it and what I can apply going forward.
• Find myself shopping and eyeing up cute dresses and tops with thoughts of, "That would be cute for a date."  I'm kind of in a reinventing phase.
• Going on dates.  :)
• Adding more music to my current collection.  Always looking for good music, but it tends to increase when I'm looking for some good pick me ups to get pumped about the next adventure.
• Looking to do something new with my hair.  I trimmed my bangs a little different and I have been trying to grow it out a little more.  I'm thinking the new bangs go better with the length that I would like to grow it.
• Noticing men and picking up more on the vibe when there might be a little something there worth investigating.
• Going on a date and not comparing him to what I had with RJ.
• Feeling more free and excited to explore my new home and people around me.
• Being fully in the moment with a man and noticing and enjoying what is special about him.
• Seeking connection, engagement and satisfaction in my work, play and daily activities.
• Allowing myself to dream, considering new possibilities and itching to travel.
• Generally feeling happier and at peace within myself.

Yay, me!  Stay positive, build confidence and feel the strength within myself.  Let my true self shine and see what comes my way.

Ha! Like I Really Would Know What I Am Doing!

I have about a week left with my internship at the children's hospital in Columbus. I have been feeling so many emotions. There have been times I have felt frustrated and wondered if I will ever know all that I need to know about Child Life. Then I have had more moments in building new confidence in what I am doing at the hospital. I get excited as I can start to see the light at the end of the tunnel which is my journey through grad school. I can begin to see that I am almost there! Then I panic because I can feel a little scared about how I will do about getting a job. I question my abilities to make it on my own. I haven't worked full-time since leaving teaching in my own classroom in May 2006. It's a little scary. Then I dream about someday having a little house and knowing that I will support myself. I hope I will feel better once I do have my first job out of grad school.

I thought I would feel more settled and have more answers by the end of the summer--or at least more certainty. But I don't. However what I do have is a plan for what I will do this fall and I will just have to go with the flow with the rest. Just have to keep remembering to breathe, take one day at a time, and let go of expectations without giving up the dreaming.

In a Glass Case of Emotion

Thank you, Ron Burgundy.


I feel raw, exposed and vulnerable.


The day after, I woke up with a head ache and miserable with that feeling of, "Is this real?" I was feeling angry and betrayed. I wondered who attended the event and stood there to support that crap. And I don't want to hear, "Well, when it is your friend, you want to be happy for them." Well guess what? Some of those people were my friends, too, and it sucks.


On the second day, I was starting to feel better and felt like a cloud had lifted and I was regaining some focus. Okay, so let's get back to the business of my life. I kept reminding myself of those moments of dreaming during the yard sale and that RJ was coming to visit me this weekend.


By the fourth day, I was feeling over run with emotions again. And it was all just so painful. It was not that I was really thinking about him, but just feeling frustrated and wanting to already be in a place where I really have moved into that space of all on my own. Right now I am still going to school and I am depending on him for support. It ticks me off to feel stuck and feeling like he probably takes pleasure in it or feels sorry for me. Both are equally repugnant. It really stinks that on the surface it seems that his life has moved onward seamlessly and he gets to have his happy despite being the destructive force, while I am still struggling to get my life in order. I want a job and to be supporting myself. While I am grateful for this opportunity to be going back to school and redirecting my life towards what I feel I am supposed to be doing, there are times that I feel like my life continues to remain on hold. And it has felt like that since November 2006, for various reasons and most of which have been beyond my control. That is a really long time to feel like you are in a holding pattern.


And it gets old hearing the instant response to this crap as, "Be happy for what you have in your life right now." True. I am. It is what keeps me going. But don't gloss over what I am feeling right now. I am angry and sad and frustrated and betrayed and powerless and diffident and miserable...even if just for a moment. I need to acknowledge that to be able to move beyond and to carry forward. I need to cry every one of those tears. Thank you to the people who allowed me to do that with them. This news serves as another reminder of the feeling that I failed and wondering if I am just damaged goods. That is the hardest part, the failure.


Then there are times when I do not want to feel like I have to decide where I am going to focus the direction of my life because I don't know where things are going with RJ. I like being in a space of flexibility and just going with the flow. But what life has taught me is that there are no guarantees and life keeps moving. This recent news about my ex has shaken me. It has undermined the confidence I have been working so hard to rebuild and restabilize. And what I am about to say is not a reflection on RJ because I feel like our relationship is in a pretty good place right now.


It is just that I am afraid of building my life around another man only to be left disappointed and abandoned again. I do not want to find myself more invested than the other person. They have to want the relationship just as much as me and be willing to put in the effort.


But I am equally afraid of closing myself off because of these feelings and to miss what could be the best thing to be happening in my life. The resurfacing of self-doubt makes it difficult to trust myself in judging my experiences.


It has almost been a week and there are times when I feel shaky. But today is a new day and I need to get back to kicking arse! I will let Ron Burgundy's words resonate within me, "I'm kind of a big deal."

Top Image: http://www.rufkm.net/, note--appreicate the image and not their political views

Bottom Photo: by Melissa Moseley, http://www.towntopics.com/jul0704/cinema.html

Sorting Out a Hot Mess

I don't even know where to begin.

Just when I felt like I was getting to that processing point in finding the words and discovering the reasons behind some very significant recent feelings, I am hit with a wall. Being in Columbus has allowed me to do some serious reflecting, for which I am thankful. But what the heck am I supposed to do with this information? Am I in some state of denial? Am I going to feel worse tomorrow morning, in the coming week or month? Will this tsunami of new information come back and test the strength and forgiveness that I have tried to build?

Enter the lovely Facebook...

My ex married the w----*.

Today as I happened across an old friend my ex and I shared, I noticed this friend looked happy and was dressed nicely in a suit. I was thinking, "He must have had a friend get married, how nice." I then thought I would see if his wife, also an old friend, was on his list of friends just to be nosey and to look at the profile pictures. (Honestly, I was curious to see if they were still together because it seemed like they might have been having relationship troubles around the time my relationship with my ex hit the fan. I am very happy they are still together.) As I was scrolling down the list, there popped up the wedding photo as her profile picture.

I was not expecting this. A few of the last words my ex said in my presence were, "I am NEVER getting married again."

I had never known what she had looked like. And I liked it that way.

Stupid, stupid, stupid. My intention was not to probe into his life. I was taking a walk down memory lane, just missing a few people who had been in my life for fourteen years.

It was weird. As I looked at the picture, they looked happy and had they been strangers to me I probably would have thought that they looked like two people who seemed to go together.

And it hurt because it is not easy to think of myself as so replaceable. My next thought was that he has definitely moved on with his life.

Argh! And just when I was getting to a place where I was not comparing the milestones in our lives as a measure of success in my life and letting go of feeling like it was less. I was (and am trying to hold onto) being better able to just let that all go. His life doesn't matter. Focus on myself and be thankful for all of the good in my life right now.

And despite all of the growth that I have made in the last few weeks**, I feel guilty for not being in a place to feel happy for him. I don't wish him harm or for bad things in his life. I have just been feeling at peace--just kind of neutral--you live your life and I will live mine. I don't know if I can feel happy for him. I'm not there yet. How could he have moved on so quickly? It's not about him. What's so wrong with me? And I don't want to hear that if this is what makes him happy that it was meant to be. Then why did I love him for all of those years?

Let it go.

(Important Note: When I originally created my Facebook page, I immediately blocked my ex. I wanted to minimize the chances of him knowing about my life and I had no interest in knowing about his. I knew her name and attempted to block her, but she did not have an account. Blocked a few other ex-in-laws and had not messed with the edits since.)

**Highlights from the previous weeks leading into learning this news...

So, in coming to Columbus for the summer, I have been reconnecting with some friends and getting back in touch with some old classmates. Feeling a bit nostalgic, I've been scoping out Facebook a bit more and it has been fun. And really, where it had sometimes been tough seeing people from my past with their families and children, in talking with them I am really happy for them. It is a very healthy thing.

Part of that I contribute to moving to a place where I can dream again--for myself and in my life. Last weekend, RJ and I went to a bunch of yard sales. I love roaming around a neighborhood yard sale with him. As we were out and about, we went into a couple of homes that were having open houses. RJ wanted to check one out to see how they were restoring the house, as it was in progress. It was fun to appreciate the workmanship. Then I was curious about another house, not wanting to lead the realtor on, but just a peek. It gave me a hint of what a house can cost in the area and how much home you can get and in what condition. It was the first time that I realized that I could really one day own a home again. I think given what I hope to have as an income when I get a job, I think I could one day swing getting a nice, little house. And I think it was important to view this as a possibility that I could potentially do on my own--in the way to know that I will be able to support myself and not rely on having to be with someone to do this. This is NOT a slight against RJ. If anything, I see this as me being able to have more to contribute if we consider more in sharing a future together.

It was refreshing to catch myself in that moment of dreaming and playfully considering the possibilities of my future, especially in such a positive way. It helps me to focus on me and to be thankful for what I have in my life and to not measure my life experiences with those of others. As my friend Karen said, "We each have to make our own happy." And that freedom to accept and appreciate my life allows me to enjoy more fully what others have in their lives for those who have meaning in my life. Again, a very good thing.

Then getting back to that nostalgic bug, Columbus has a lot of selection in music stations on the radio. There are several that play music that reminds me of high school and college. As much as I have tried to fight it, I have been thinking about my ex a bit more. Not in that way where I miss him or want to be with him, but just wandering thoughts of some of the good that we experienced together. I have felt very sad, but it has also been nice not to have vengeful or ugly thoughts related to him (*Oops, that one slipped.). In thinking about it, I wondered if I might be coming to a better place in reaching another level of forgiveness with him in letting go of the bad and the hurt. I am tired of feeling angry and maybe this was a sign that I am turning that corner or something has lifted. Many times I wondered if I could ever look back on the relationship with any kind of positive regard or if it had all been ruined in that my life during that period had been for nothing and a complete waste. But I decided that maybe how I was feeling recently was showing me that there was some good there and it was not all for naught, that there is meaning that I can positively take away for myself from that experience.

And with this new realization and acceptance I feel like I can better move forward in my life, especially in allowing my self to dream and in my relationship with RJ. Letting go helps me to be free and to have that space to enjoy more of life. It gives me better clarity as I work towards deeper resolve and acceptance. I am living my life for me! (Darn it!)

I just hope that I can hold onto that strength and level of forgiveness. I don't know how I will feel tomorrow or the coming days. I have a feeling that I may be in for experiencing a bit of an emotional hangover. Blughhhhh...

The Interviews Are Done

I have to keep reminding myself to take a few deep breaths. I just finished last interview for a Child Life internship on Friday (Although, one last program could still call, but I'm doubtful at this point.). Now is the waiting game to see who makes an offer. It is down to four programs and if I thought the interviews were stressful, the waiting is worse.

I think this has been worsened by my last interview. My last interview was very intimidating with seven people sitting at a table and asking me questions. I feel that I answered their questions well and seemed to get a lot of smiles and head nods. But then as the interview was wrapping up they said that they would be making their decision on Monday and calling me. I feel like that can be interpreted in one of two ways. One, they already know the two candidates they want and I am not one of them. Or two, they know one and were waiting for my interview (the last one) to see if I was what they were really hoping to see.

I could throw up. I am afraid to pick up my phone tomorrow.

Then I should be hearing back from one of the other programs early this week. And the other two programs said they would get in touch with me around the 22nd of February. But if any other program called to make an offer, to let them know right away.

So far I have handled some of the rejection letters and emails well. I applied to 12 programs and can't expect all of them to be making offers. But now that all of the interviews are done and it is out of my control, it is really scary. It is down to four and I am trying to remain positive, but trying not to set myself up for disappointment.

To add to this stress is that I have a high likilyhood of being away from Pittsburgh for about three months or so. This both excites me and worries me, and I have been trying very hard to push those feelings aside until the reality unfolds itself. I know RJ really wants me to stay in town, but he has also expressed that he will support me in whatever happens. The good thing in all of this is that he works from home and that maybe if I end up out of town, he will be able to have more flexibility to come and visit me. But the bottom line is that I have to make my decision as to what will be best for me and my career.

Please send me some good vibes or prayers or any positive energy my way!

I Broke My Finger

Yep, I broke my finger and I am not happy about it. I have always prided myself on not having broken any bones or needing stitches or fillings in my teeth. When the LPN told me that it is one of those days that everyone is breaking things, I said with surprise, "Really?" And then I realized he was including me--and my heart sank and I wanted to cry. Crap!

Well, it happened during pre-game warm-up with my co-ed football team. I've played the female QB (yes, I have an arm and I can throw a tight spiral). I thought I jammed it while catching the ball with some tossing around before the game. I still played not realizing it was broken, but had a feeling something was just not right. Fortunately, it is not a finger on my throwing hand or my dominate hand. But this really sucks! It was our first game and I will probably be out for the season. And I might not be able to play kickball or possibly run in the half-marathon! I have an appointment with the specialist tomorrow and will find out more. But I am so upset because I had a lot of fun plans for the spring.

So as I was sitting in the ER, I asked the doctor how long it would take to recover. He laughed because I was trying to negotiate to what extent I can continue my physical recreation activities. Then I was feeling overwhelmed by all of the other implications of my injury...papers to type, not getting it wet in the shower, what will be covered under my health insurance, how many more doctor visits I will have to have, how running evens out my beer consumption calorie in-take, how I will be able to blow dry my hair...you know, the important stuff. That is when the tears came and I felt silly because it is a finger, but it is my finger. And I suddenly felt very small and lonely and I realized I could really use a hug. But there was no one there to do that for me. My family is about two hours away. And I didn't feel like I could call one of my friends here to meet me at the hospital to give me a hug at 11:30 pm on a work night. I was all by myself and I was scared. The LPN told me it could be far worse, which is very true. That is a good perspective, but I needed to let myself feel a little sad and not skip over those feelings.

I texted a few people, but it was not the same as a hug. But I will be thankful for that!