I feel raw, exposed and vulnerable.
The day after, I woke up with a head ache and miserable with that feeling of, "Is this real?" I was feeling angry and betrayed. I wondered who attended the event and stood there to support that crap. And I don't want to hear, "Well, when it is your friend, you want to be happy for them." Well guess what? Some of those people were my friends, too, and it sucks.
On the second day, I was starting to feel better and felt like a cloud had lifted and I was regaining some focus. Okay, so let's get back to the business of my life. I kept reminding myself of those moments of dreaming during the yard sale and that RJ was coming to visit me this weekend.
By the fourth day, I was feeling over run with emotions again. And it was all just so painful. It was not that I was really thinking about him, but just feeling frustrated and wanting to already be in a place where I really have moved into that space of all on my own. Right now I am still going to school and I am depending on him for support. It ticks me off to feel stuck and feeling like he probably takes pleasure in it or feels sorry for me. Both are equally repugnant. It really stinks that on the surface it seems that his life has moved onward seamlessly and he gets to have his happy despite being the destructive force, while I am still struggling to get my life in order. I want a job and to be supporting myself. While I am grateful for this opportunity to be going back to school and redirecting my life towards what I feel I am supposed to be doing, there are times that I feel like my life continues to remain on hold. And it has felt like that since November 2006, for various reasons and most of which have been beyond my control. That is a really long time to feel like you are in a holding pattern.
And it gets old hearing the instant response to this crap as, "Be happy for what you have in your life right now." True. I am. It is what keeps me going. But don't gloss over what I am feeling right now. I am angry and sad and frustrated and betrayed and powerless and diffident and miserable...even if just for a moment. I need to acknowledge that to be able to move beyond and to carry forward. I need to cry every one of those tears. Thank you to the people who allowed me to do that with them. This news serves as another reminder of the feeling that I failed and wondering if I am just damaged goods. That is the hardest part, the failure.
Then there are times when I do not want to feel like I have to decide where I am going to focus the direction of my life because I don't know where things are going with RJ. I like being in a space of flexibility and just going with the flow. But what life has taught me is that there are no guarantees and life keeps moving. This recent news about my ex has shaken me. It has undermined the confidence I have been working so hard to rebuild and restabilize. And what I am about to say is not a reflection on RJ because I feel like our relationship is in a pretty good place right now.
It is just that I am afraid of building my life around another man only to be left disappointed and abandoned again. I do not want to find myself more invested than the other person. They have to want the relationship just as much as me and be willing to put in the effort.
But I am equally afraid of closing myself off because of these feelings and to miss what could be the best thing to be happening in my life. The resurfacing of self-doubt makes it difficult to trust myself in judging my experiences.
It has almost been a week and there are times when I feel shaky. But today is a new day and I need to get back to kicking arse! I will let Ron Burgundy's words resonate within me, "I'm kind of a big deal."
Top Image: http://www.rufkm.net/, note--appreicate the image and not their political views
Bottom Photo: by Melissa Moseley, http://www.towntopics.com/jul0704/cinema.html