Sunday, June 26, 2011

Staying the Course of my own Journey

Have you ever driven down a road where you can see that it runs parallel to another road by the traffic off in the distance? I'm thinking back to my days of college at Bowling Green in Ohio where it is pretty flat and you can see the semi-trucks or the occasional car across the spread of corn betweeen I-75 and state route 23. You sometimes notice the other vehicles in the corner of your eye and other times, even if you know they are there, you almost forget they are out there. Then eventually, a town interupts the view or a bend comes along one road and the other just fades away. It becomes no longer relevant because it has nothing to where you are now and where you are going.

I feel the two roads are a good visual representation in letting go of the dream. It is not at all that I long for that other life again, but that it is mourning what had been and more so a life of what could have been. Initially, it was something that loomed so heavily and I couldn't help but compare where I was and all that had been so carefully planned. Then slowly I began to notice it less as I focused on the new road that I was taking with all of its new adventures and challenges.

I've known that that dream has long died, but finding out that my ex has remarried serves as another reminder with another layer of grief with this whole process of regaining my life. It is forcing me to say good-bye to the dream yet again when I already thought I had done that. But then again, I carried a small fear of wondering how I would feel if I heard that he had married again, especially to that woman. I didn't dwell on it, but felt like I would deal with it if and when it came. That moment is now and all I can do is be honest and patient with myself in allowing me to feel what it is that I need to feel so that I can continue to move forward. I can better identify why I have felt so sad and angy, and now it is a matter of my heart catching up to my head. It is not easy watching a dream die, even if I know it really is for the better. I feel this undercurrent of emotions that just have to pass with time and acceptance. To borrow a familiar line from the children's book, Going on a Bear Hunt , and suggested by my friend, Julie, "Can't go over it. Can't go under it. Gotta go through it!"

And part of me is okay with him remarrying first because despite whoever would do it first, I imagine this process of grief would still take place. At least I get to digest it all on my own and separate from a day so special as a wedding day, a day that is supposed to be full of happiness and love. In facing this loss now, I hope that if/when I do get married that it will free me to focus in sharing my day of happiness entirely with the person I love. I am happy to gain more distance from that road that might have been before committing myself to share in a life with another person. I want to be in a place to fully embrace a new dream.

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